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The Song Challenge:   He's A Long, Tall Surgeon -- (Indianapolis, IN) A spokesperson for the MidWest Medical Center announced today that the hospital would remove all spittoons from its surgical intensive care unit, following complaints by patients. "This has all been a colossal misunderstanding, and we want to put it behind us", said hospital spokesman Henry O'Toole. According to O'Toole, the 19th century-style saliva receptacles had been placed in the intensive care unit by Dr. Nick Testa, a staff surgeon. Anonymous sources within the hospital described Dr. Testa's reputation as a surgical "cowboy", a part he had increasingly tried to play to the maximum. "First people were just referring to him as a 'cowboy' because he basically took anyone to the OR, no matter what their problem was", said the source. "Then about five years ago, he started wearing hand-tooled cowboy boots...OK, lots of surgeons do that." Apparently several staff were upset when Dr. Testa tried last month to operate on a patient wearing a Lone Ranger style mask, after earlier wearing a bandana pulled up over his handlebar moustache, instead of a standard surgical mask. "He was just yelling: 'This IS my mask, this IS my mask', when they tried to get him out of the OR", according to Sally Stevens, a MidWestern scrub nurse. Many staff members regarded as amusing Testa's practice of carrying his stethoscope in a holster, drawing it with a rapid motion when he intended to examine a patient. However, when Testa brought three large brass spittoons into the surgical intensive care unit, patients and their families began to complain. Testa's habit of chewing tobacco and spitting towards the spittoons reportedly became increasingly disruptive to intensive care unit staff, who frequently had to change intravenous lines and dressings when Testa missed his mark. According to O'Toole, Dr. Testa is currently on vacation in Montana, and so is unavailable for comment.


Cowboy Medic by derrymacash
(To the tune of that scurrilous classic by Shane MacGowan and the Popes "Ceilidh Cowboy")

I'm a cowboy medic
I wear hand-tooled cowboy boots
And I sneer at all my colleagues
Who turn up for work in suits
I've got spurs and I wear stetsons
When I'm asked to save your life
I curl my lip at scalpels
I prefer a Bowie knife

My name is Dr Testa
I speak in a languid drawl
I squint into the sun a lot
And whenever there's a brawl
I punch and kick but never sweat
And never take a blow
And when the dust has settled down
I say, "Set 'em up, please, Joe"

Yippee-yi-yo
Yippee-yi-yay
Yodel-odel-o-dee
Yodel-odel-o-dee
Yodel-odel-o-deedle-ay

I'm a connoisseur of 'baccy
I chew it and I spit
You'd better stay away from me
Or else you might get hit
I've got myself diplomas
I got letters by my name
But they don't matter shit to me
When I'm riding on the range

My name is Dr Testa
Some doctors disagree
With my style and my comportment
And they're out to ruin me
They mock my chaps and lariat
They laugh at my spittoon
But they pale when I suggest to them
A duel at High Noon

Yippee-yi-yo
Yippee-yi-yay
Yodel-odel-o-dee
Yodel-odel-o-dee
Yodel-odel-o-deedle-ay

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