| The Digital Tradition Folk Song Server | |||
|
|||
SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!
The Song Challenge: Beelzebub Bytes!
Forget about viruses and malicious hackers; the real threat these days is far more insidious. Your home computer may have the Devil in its data, say Reverend Jim Peasboro of Georgia. "... the Computer Age has ... opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls."
Rev. Jim says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers. "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," ... "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic Web sites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations."
"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally," he declared ... One woman ... confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.'"
The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his horror, an artificial-intelligence program started spontaneously. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he said. Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.
"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" The minister estimates that one in ten computers in America now hosts some type of evil spirit. The Reverend advises anyone suspecting that their computer is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer is still under warranty, to take it in for servicing.
" Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently," he says.
However, there is some good news -- Only a PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit, the minister explained.
Courting Disaster by Amos
(Tune: Courting In the Kitchen [Click to
Play])
Come you Windows users all, and to me pay attention
Don't touch the Wintel box for it's the devils own invention;
Oh, once I fell quite hard for its features so bewitching
And I paid for it with tears, and years, of rebooting and of glitching
To ma tooralooriay, and me tooralooraladdie
And me toorallorilay, and a toorilooriladdie!
By the age of seventeen, I was a super power user
With me own 586, sir, and I knew just how to cruise her
I could tap her til she screamed, and her CPU was smoking!
And she filled my heart with joy, til the night that she got broken!
To ma tooralooriay, and me tooralooraladdie
And me toorallorilay, and a toorilooriladdie!
It was early early day, I had left my T-1 hauling,
From a gateway in Seatle, Sir, an evil force came crawling
He hopped across the line, like a TCP/IP packet,
And through the UART came, having conned a way to hack it!
Well the bus within my box, was soon with pizen spitting
And where once I studied code and such, with porno I was smitten
This evil force came o'er me, my will I had no longer
And though I fought and twisted, sir, The Divil proved the stronger!
To ma tooralooriay, and me tooralooraladdie
And me toorallorilay, and a toorilooriladdie!
Well he had me in his grip, Sir, and I felt such thrills within me
I never stopped to think that this new lust would turn agin me,
I ordered up new parts, new hard drives and a laser,
My credit cards ran down to nought as fast as any phaser!
To ma tooralooriay, and me tooralooraladdie
And me toorallorilay, and a toorilooriladdie!
I was in the devils hands, Sir, and fresh all out of lolly.
To the door in dreadful haste then came my lovely, anxious Molly!
She saw what 'twas about! She pulled that cord directly!
And all at once with her, I began to think correctly!
To ma tooralooriay, and me tooralooraladdie
And me toorallorilay, and a toorilooriladdie!
I quickly gained my senses, sir, and canceled all them orders
And went myself by foot down to the hardware house at Border's
I went to seek redemption, friend, and ne'er shall turn back!
I have thrown the Devil's WIndows out and I bought a Holy Mac!
To ma tooralooriay, and me tooralooraladdie
And me toorallorilay, and a toorilooriladdie!