Cookiemangler by Mbo


The Mudcat Forum	The Mudcat Resource Pages	The Mudcat Midi Page	The Digital Tradition Folk Song Server
Back to The Mudcat Songbook		Back to The Song Challenge Winners!
Anyone is welcome to perform these songs in public without royalties; however, if any of them are recorded or published for profit, the writers/composers expect the usual royalties.

The Song Challenge: The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread. A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket. That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000. Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique. Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods." A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread. "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies. The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints." Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior." Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Cookiemangler by Mbo
(Tune: "Acquiesce" by Oasis)

I don't know what is that makes it seem so fun
I don't know why I like to maul and mangle buns
I don't know why I smash fruit-centered cookies with my thumb

I do it all the time in every store I see
I can fondle, smash, and mash but no one catches me
It really gets me off and the best part is it's free

I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff
I love to squeeze all the baked stuff
From the apple pie to a cream puff
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff

The cookies aisle's empty and I'm all alone
I gotta dip my thumb into a buttered scone
And crumble English muffins until there's naught left but cornpone

I don't like when my wife comes to the store with me
So I smash behind her back so that she can't see
Oh squishing bread and cookies is such sweet ecstasy!

I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff
I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff

I love to squeeze....I love to squeeze
I need to squeeze....I love to squeeze
I want to squeeze....I love to squeeze