SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

No Room On The Xerox For Virgin Berths -- Bosses at Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Mobile scuppered plans to have photocopiers at their Christmas party so staff could scan their bottoms.  The idea was to recreate a television advertisement for the firm featuring former All Saints star Melanie Blatt, in which she does the same.  But the stunt was dropped after the company's legal advisers stepped in and ruled it unsafe.  More than 1,000 Virgin Mobile employees attended the firm's Christmas party on Tuesday at a nightclub in the Wiltshire town of Trowbridge.  It featured performances from the pop group Liberty and DJ Boy George.  A spokeswoman for the firm said she had heard about the idea to install reinforced photocopiers in the club as a gag after the success of the advertisement.  She said she understood it had come from someone else in their communications department, but was rejected by legal experts.  "Somebody had been talking about it early on, but it wouldn't have been allowed for legal reasons," the spokeswoman said. "It's unfortunate because it would be a good laugh."  And it appears that the ban-the-bums barristers might have an ally in the form of Officials at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, who say workers risk cutting themselves on broken copier glass.  They say the Virgin mobile phone ad of Melanie Blatt photocopying her backside is "daft and irresponsible".  Spokesman Roger Vincent is warning office workers not to be tempted to make photocopied backsides "this year's festive trend".  He told The Sun: "Inhibitions are loosened after a few drinks and people show off. We don't want copying backsides to become this year's festive trend.  "Someone could find themselves in a hospital casualty ward this Christmas instead of at home with their families.  "Sitting on a photocopier is very dangerous. We don't want to be killjoys but advise people to stick to good old-fashioned mistletoe."


The Christmas Thong by Genie
(Tune:  The Christmas Song by Mel Tormé & Robert Wells, 1946)

Chester's perching on the copier;
Jackson's ripping off his clothes;
You'll find Carol being done by a buyer,*
And folks act up like pesky shmoes.

Ev'rybody knows that turkey with his mistletoe
Guarantees a raunchy time;
Fanny Scott (hers already exposed)
Is in the fax-your-fanny line.

We know there's gonna be horseplay,
We're loaded girls and boys with booty to display.
But Virgin's legal team is gonna spy
For fear that some dear cuts her butt here and cries.

And so they're offering this silly rule:
"You kids, no copies in the nude.
You know it's been said many years, many days,
'Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas –
You're sued!'"

*Alternative lines (if the setting is altered a bit):
Jewel's tied Carroll to a hunk from the choir
You'll find Carol being done by the choir.
Jewel's tied Carroll to a bunk by the fire.
**Alternative line:
And Boy George dressed up like a 'ho.'

Copyright 2001 Jeanene Pratt

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