Brief Screen by Hyperabid


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Brit Flits Nix Knicks! London (August 2001) -- Female athletes competing for Britain in the World Championships say their official team knickers are too skimpy. The runners are worried they will be flashing their bottoms at spectators. Officials say they don't want athletes to feel uncomfortable and have allowed them to wear last year's Olympic kit. Kathy Butler, who is competing in the 5000m at the championships in Canada, says the small knickers have left athletes with a dilemma. "If you pull them up you can see your bum and when you pull them down you can see your hips. They just don't fit properly," she said. She added: "I can't find my old Olympic ones, so I'll be wearing the hipsters." A spokesman for UK Athletics said that officials have given the all-clear for runners to wear last year's design. "Something had to be done. We can't ask our top athletes to run 25 laps wearing something they feel uncomfortable in," he said.

Brief Screen by Hyperabid
(To "Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrmann)

Children of the class of 2002
"Always wear knickers"
Be proud of your tight butt
Because in later years few will remember what you had then
– and many will laugh at what you have now
Remember that your fans are divided into equal thirds
Those who are proud of and thrilled by your prowess
Couch potatoes who watch sports because they are afraid of the sunlight
– and those who find female sports titillating but are afraid to buy even a lingerie catalogue
Be aware that sad people existed before you
They also exist around you
And they certainly will exist after you
Perhaps more humbling is the fact that they would and could exist without you
Enjoy the Power of your Prime
Because if an Englishman like me can weep tears of mixed joy and pain
When Mohammed Ali lights the Olympic flame
He who knocked "our Henry" Cooper down again
You'll miss it when it's gone
Remember that even though Sir Steve Redgrave won 5 consecutive Olympic golds in an endurance sport
Matthew Pinsent might have helped a bit
Focus your mind on winning

(This next less humorous bit to be mumbled quickly as it always is in our history text books)

Like Jessie Owens did in Munich
A black man in front of Hitler
And don't remember our war as you run harder
Try a 6 million Jews – was that in Germany alone?
Or 30 million Russians defending their home?

(The loud finale)

So next time your knickers might ride up your crack
Just run for the line
– and give the team pants some slack