SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread.  A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket.  That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.  Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique.  Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods."  A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread.  "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies.  The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."   Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior."  Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Bread and Retribution by Micca
(Tune:  Bread and Roses)

As we went shopping ,shopping
In the hypermart shed
I was alarmed and startled
by the sudden call for bread
and there upon the shelving
as the supermarket clos-ed
there was nothing left but mangled
Cookies, cakes and bread lo—oves

As we go shopping, shopping 
We're shopping too for cakes
And they are being broken
And let there be no mistake
they're setting hidden cameras 
And when the market closes
Then they'll have coloured pictures
Of the man mangling the lo---oves

Now he is sitting, sitting
In the sad courtroom line 
And he expects probation
Or a large and nasty fine
For he's been caught red handed 
As the supermarket closes
A fondling others buns 
And of mangling the lo-oves

Back to Top