SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread.  A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket.  That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.  Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique.  Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods."  A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread.  "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies.  The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."   Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior."  Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Bread Loaf, Bread Loaf, Why Sit You There by Naemanson
(Tune:  The Sailor's Grace)

Bread loaf, Bread loaf, why sit you there,
Safe on the shelf without a care,
All wrapped up and stacked so neat
The white bread, rye bread, bran and wheat.

Then you know who comes along
Old Sam Feldman with fingers strong
When his wife has turned around,
He crushes you and puts you down.

Even cookies feel his grip,
He grabs them quick and his thumb he slips,
Under the cellophane and into the goo
The thumb presses fast and your crumbs too.

The managers at the Giant store,
Put up with this for 3 years or more,
Video cameras they then installed
To jail the criminal to haul.

Feldman's fetish runs so deep
That baked goods into his dreams they creep,
Rack on rack of bread and cakes
He crushes them as quick as they're baked.

They caught Sam in the act they did,
Caught him bread handed just like a kid.
They arrested him and hauled him to jail,
I'm innocent they heard him wail.

I squeeze bread just like everyone,
Never been arrested though I've squeezed a ton.
I've squeezed bread on a mermaid boat,
And at the wake of circus bloke.

When Uncle Harry left the cops perplexed,
I squeezed their donuts and left them vexed,
The dungmeister's sandwich I did too
Though I cringed to see it held brown goo.

In Sperlonga I went to drink
Coffee black and in a wink,
When she wasn't looking I reached out
And crumbled the biscuits all about.

But now my crumbing days are o'er
They took me to jail and closed the door.
My only friend in this lousy bitch
Thinks M&M's will make him rich.

There's one batch of cookies almost done me in,
They were setting in the window of a kitchen
Catrin's cookies were easy to crack,
But I tasted my fingers and almost went back

Lucky Charms I did crunch 'em too,
In the box it was one hard job to do
But I foiled the Mudcatters in their toil,
When they looked inside their songs were spoiled.

And so the judge he says to me,
You're sentenced to the penitentiary
A court psychologist you must meet
After they pry him from the outhouse seat.

But now I'm out in cyberspace,
You'll find I'm very hard to trace,
I flit about from place to place,
Your Mudcat cookies I'll erase.

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