Bread Does Something To Me by Áine


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The Song Challenge: The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread. A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket. That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000. Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique. Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods." A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread. "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies. The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints." Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior." Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Bread Does Something To Me by Áine
(Tune: You Do Something To Me, with abject apologies to Cole Porter)

Áine's Comments: Alrightey then, Challenge!rs, put on your top hats, tails and tap shoes -- It's time for putting on the Ritz (cracker, that is!)

Bread does something to me,
Something that makes me feel so squishy,
Yeast has a pull over me,
Watching it rise can hypnotize me.
I'm totally under its spell,
Let dough do that voodoo that dough does so well,
For bread does something to me,
That nobody else can do.

When I cram my thumb into jam,
It's better than any slam, bam, thanks ma'am,
I feel like a full charging ram,
Even though many call me 'Mad Sam',
When I choke a croissant,
I change from depressive to a bon vivant,
For bread does something to me,
That nobody else can do.

(Orchestral bridge with plenty of violins . . . Solo tap dance with single pink cell spot on center stage . . . that's it, step-ball-change, step-ball-change, slide, slide, wash the windows, wash the windows, slow turn tipping top hat and pointing cane to the four corners . . . Orchestra gently flows back into the melody for song . . .)

But when I was caught in the act,
Exposed, I had to face the fact that,
Buns, bread and bagels so fat,
Could bring me too soon to requiescat,
So I've got a new tune,
Playing Elvis in Vegas at weddings 'till noon,
For bread does something to me,
(Orchestra builds...) That nobody else can do!
(Down on one knee, holding top hat and cane out to each side)

Thunderous applause and a standing ovation!!!