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What Happens When A Bird Brain . . .A part-time inventor who went for a woodland stroll to test out his latest contraption - a bird-feeding hat - suffered whiplash after he was knocked over by a hungry squirrel.  Mike Madden, 48, was walking through woods near his house in Huddersfield, northern England, when a large grey squirrel spied the nuts on a feeding tray mounted on top of his headgear.  The squirrel leaped from the top of a tree and landed with such force that Mr Madden was knocked to the ground and suffered whiplash injuries.  He said: "I was out walking through the woods with my friend Craig Bailey.  We had only just started the walk when 'kaboom' - I was on the floor.  I didn't see much of what happened, but Craig told me he saw the squirrel flying through the air and land right on my head."  Mr Madden designed the hat so birds could use it while he was walking because he was concerned about their winter food supplies.  He said: "Someone told me afterwards that with it coming up to winter and food being so short, squirrels can be quite aggressive and opportunistic.  I wish I had known that before.  I've always liked squirrels - but once you've had one land on your head travelling about 30 mph you can easily go off them."  Mr Madden says his bird feeder was destroyed in the assault and he has vowed not to build another.  . . . Meets A Bird Woman?  A woman found living up a tree in Italy told police she had been kicked out of her home by her husband.  The 41-year-old woman was arrested when she started throwing chestnuts at the policemen who spotted her.  Tania Dasilva told officers she had been kicked out of her house in Teramo after a quarrel with her husband.  She said she had "no intention whatsoever to leave the tree."  The woman, who would not say when she was kicked out of the house, started throwing chestnuts at the policeman after they asked her to come down.  She is currently being held at the local police station and has been charged with aggression.  Police say they haven't been able to find her husband yet.


The Big "Ef'n" Squirrel by Gutsy

Gutsy's Comments: Must be some humongus f---ing squirrels over there, yeah? Jeez! Hmmmm. This reminds me of something. Anyone every heard The Big Effen Bee by Matt McGill? Keep that in mind as you read on...

A Huddersfield man called Mike Madden
Was strolling along with his pal
He had his new bird-feeder hat on, you see
And was struck by this big "ef'n" squirrel

He'd invented his hat to feed birdies
Whenever he walked through the wood
As winter was coming, he worried they'd starve
The poor man's intentions were good.

But that huge "ef'n" squirrel in the treetop
Spied the nuts that Mike had in his cap
It launched itself off the tree branch it sat on
And landed on Mike with a WHAP.

Poor Mike never saw the thing coming
It hit him right square in the head
He was knocked to his ass, and his nuts went all over
His first thought was that he was dead.

The impact had given him whiplash
He sat there, his head all a'whirl
Craig Bailey, his buddy, explained what had happened
You were struck by this "ef'n" BIG squirrel.

Someone told Mike a short while later
That squirrels get quite bold in late Fall
When the food source grows scarce, they will go to extremes
Now Mike no longer likes squirrel at all.

There's a moral to Mikes little story
So take heed, all you boys and you girls
Don't put nuts in your hat in the north English wood
Or you'll be attacked by these massive bloody "ef'n" squirrels!

Big enough to knock a grown man on his arse, they are!

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