SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread.  A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket.  That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.  Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique.  Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods."  A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread.  "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies.  The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."   Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior."  Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Big Bad Sam by mousethief
(Tune:  Big Bad John -- with apologies to Jimmy Dean) 

Every morning at the store when the bread arrived
You could smell it from the meat section to aisle five
It was soft and yeasty and smelled so fine
But something was unhinged in the so-called mind of big Sam
Chorus: Big Sam, Big Sam -- Big, bad Sam (repeat after each verse) 

Now Sam came to the Giant every day or two
With his wife, Mrs. Feldman, who loved him true
She walked around with Sammy through the aisles so wide
Never knowing he was contemplating loaficide, that Sam 

But after the Feldmans had checked out and gone
The manager noticed that something was wrong
In the bread aisle, the loaves were mangled black and blue
And they wondered if this had something to do with big Sam 

So they set up a camera to tape record
What happened to the bread at the Giant store
And what did they catch on that 18-hour tape
But Sam getting fresh with Little Debbie's cakes, bad Sam 

Yes the tape showed Sam taking liberties
With the baked goods he ought to have gently squeezed
He stood like a thief, and when wifey looked away
He fondled the buns in a brutal way, bad Sam. 

They brought him into court and the judge cried "Foul!"
And Sammy's wife let out a mournful howl
They cuffed him up and drug him off to cell #9
And everybody knew it was the end of the line for big Sam. 

Now Sam's in treatment for his fetish so strange
And his wife is praying his obsession will change
As she said to the press in a tearful whine,
"He squeezed the store's buns, but he never squeezed mine." Bad Sam.
Big Sam, big Sam, big bad Sam. 

© 2000 Alex E. Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

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