The Bare Bums Of Meldorf by Áine


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'I See Your Future Growing Bigger And Bigger' (Hamburg, Germany) A German clairvoyant is reading his clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms. Ulf Buck says buttocks have similar lines to those on the hand, which can be read. The 39-year-old, who's been blind since he was three, says the bottom is more 'intense' than the hand. He says a reading can give information about his clients' personalities as well as their future wealth, happiness and health. Mr Buck from Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says he's attracting all kinds of clients including a soap star and a stockbroker. He also says being blind helps to relax his customers as they know they'll remain anonymous and that he doesn't get a thrill from the buttock reading, adding he's happily married.

The Bare Bums Of Meldorf by Áine
(Tune: The Streets Of Laredo)

As I herded my sheep down the streets of old Meldorf,
I spied a small sign, 'Buck Reads Bare Bums,' it said,
My red, trail-worn cheeks, they parted in laughter,
A bright idea shooting straight up to my head.

For years I'd been dealing with the Miser of Mencken,
A burg just a few twists and turns down the road,
And tired of his cheatin' and beatin' my price down,
I thought of a way to drain his motherlode.

The dogs heard my whistle, and going to work,
They halted the flock just outside the Bucks' door,
With a ewe in each arm, I bravely strode forward,
And soon we were standing on the living room floor.

I have to say here, that old Ulf is a nice man,
With smooth and warm hands, and a beautiful wife,
Though laughed at by some, his fervant endeavour,
Is to help all his clients lead a well and full life.

In the space of an hour, three bums bared and well read,
Myself and my flock, we were back on the trail,
And as we traversed up the mountain to Mencken,
I tried to ponder my fate, but to no avail.

No more did that miser cheat me out of money,
That Ulf Buck of Meldorf, he changed my whole life,
Of all of the futures he's read, mine's the strangest,
For now I am rich with a be-ewe-ti-ful wife!