SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again.   Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear.  OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices.   The new law is no laughing matter ... really.  "This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors.   "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime."  And by golly, said Takis, it should be.  She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it.   Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill:  "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment."  Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval.  Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices.  Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection.   Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.


The Ballad of the Sam Goody Shoplifter by mousethief
(Tune: Snoopy vs. the Red Baron)

(Chorus)
10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more
That shopliftin' fiend is rollin' up the score
80 CD's were the awful spree
Of the shoplifting champ of Sam Goody

After the turn of the century
In the North District Plaza Sam Goody
Came a steady trickle of unpaid CD's
Goin through the door in someone's BVD's

Down at the mall, a shoplifting chump
Reynolds Wrap plastered to her pale white rump
80 cd's walked out through that door
Of the hi-tech protected Sam Goody store

(Chorus)

Now Bob of the Mall Security Guard
Was a funny looking guy with an NRA card
He stuck to that store like a postage stamp
But the lifter nicked another (curses foiled again!)

(Chorus)

Now Bob he swore he'd get a foolproof plan
So he asked the high-tech geeks 'bout the door-guard scan
They told him about the tin-foil trick
While Bob was laughin, another CD was nicked

(Chorus)

Then the Colorado Legislature made a fix
And allowed Bob to apprehend all crinkle-rumped chicks
The lifter lifted once and then she lifted twice
Then Bob heard that tin-foil rustle in her panties, out o' sight!

(Chorus)

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

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