SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

E-E-E-E-EEK! The Elves Are Armed And Claus Is Wearing Kevlar! -- Santas will be feeling oh-so-secure from rowdy children at shopping malls this year, now that the Freeport Leisure company is employing personal bodyguards for their costumed St. Nicks at their six factory outlet sites.  The company is also telling their red-clad employees to wear extra padding.  A company spokesman told the Evening Gazette: "Last year Santa received a number of tugs and pulls from over-exuberant children, which led to him getting a bit roughed up."  "And there was an incident at one of the centres last year where there was a bit more to it than that.  So this year we have decided to give Santa a bit of extra protection."  Tindi Sorber, group marketing manager for Freeport Leisure, said children would still be encouraged to tug Santa's beard as part of the Christmas tradition.  "We don't mind a tug - in fact we encourage it.  It's all part of the Christmas tradition.  However, last year Santa reported the odd bruise, so we've heeded his call and left nothing to chance," he said.


The Ballad of Elf Number Two by Áine
(Tune: 'I Want A Girl' (Just Like the Girl that Married Dear Old Dad) Click here to play tune)

Áine's Comments:  Well, it must be the boeuf, but I've got another one . . . This time, I took the side of the poor frustrated security guard . . .

When I was a boy
My mother often said to me
'When you grow up, we'll see
How useful you can be.'

I have looked all over,
But no position can I find,
That seems to be just like
The job I have in mind.

I will have to look around
Until the right one I have found . . .

Chorus:
I guard the guy who thinks he can fly
Just like Peter Pan
I frisk all the boys, before they ask for toys
And slap their sticky hands.
Old fashioned Santas are so out of date
They all think they need cops to 'mediate'
I want a job where they call me 'Bob'
And not Elf Number Two!

By the stacks of Potter books
There sits a winsome lass
Who thinks that I am crass
With my knuckles made of brass

Her mother dear looks up at me
With tears upon her face
And if she makes a move at me
I'll stop her with my Mace

The kids are pissed off as can be
But they will never get through me!

Chorus:
I guard the guy who thinks he can fly
Just like Peter Pan
I frisk all the boys, before they ask for toys
And slap their sticky hands.
Old fashioned Santas are so out of date
They all think they need cops to 'mediate'
I want a job where they call me 'Bob'
And not Elf Number Two!

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