SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread.  A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket.  That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.  Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique.  Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods."  A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread.  "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies.  The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."   Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior."  Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

The Baker Boys Lament by Dharmabum

I'm little Sammy Feldman,
And my story's to be told,
I hang out in the market,
Where the bread and cakes are sold.

I am a little scary,
Even by my own admission,
I feel that I am going through,
A rather strange transition.

I cannot pass a pastry,
Without giving it a punch,
The same goes for the cookies,
I just have to hear them crunch.

My mother said it started,
When I was just a boy,
I wasn't like the others,
Who were playing with their toys.

I had a strange desire,
A call I had to heed,
I never could control it,
Call it a need to knead.

When I became a young man,
I thought a baker I could be,
It made a lot of sense,
It fit my strange activity.

And so I joined the college,
Of cullinary arts,
Where I learned to bake all kinds of bread,
And pies ,& cakes , & tarts.

While there I met a young girl,
She stole my heart in a big way,
And we planned to wed each other,
Until our wedding day.

You see I had to tell her,
Of my rather strange desire,
To feel the warmth of bread dough,
Than to feel her inner fire.

She took the news quite poorly,
I knew it wouldn't work,
As she ran off I heard her say,
"You're just a kneady jerk"!

Now I lament my lost love,
In this supermarket isle,
Squeezing all the pastry,
With a slightly evil smile.

And so you see this is the way,
I fulfill my fantasy,
Cause there is no better way,
To please a weirdo just like me.

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