Caseous.com - Writings - Humor Columns

Political Correctness. It�s everywhere these days, and because of it, you�ve got to be careful what you say. It�s not mailman, it�s postal worker. It�s not short people, it�s vertically challenged. It�s not �stupid grown-ups,� it�s �computer illiterates.� There seems to be a new name for everything, but are these variations used in every day life?

Nope. If you navigate the halls of our school, you�re probably going to hear the phrase �She�s hot!� as opposed to �Nigel, I feel quite light-headed at the sight of the great physical attributes of that person of the opposite sex, of whom I have no desire to think fiendishly evil thoughts of, who is standing down the hall.� This is due mainly to the fact that there is no one in the school named Nigel. However, we�re almost certain this �alternative phrase� would never be uttered in our school, and certainly not in one breath.

So why are these words, names, and phrases invented? Certainly most people understand that some things are never said in certain situations. For instance, how often do people say �The assignment that our beloved teacher has given us does provide quite a damper on my outlook of great hope and glorious expectations towards this day in my life,� as opposed to �Man, this assignment is stupid!�

Granted, it�s fairly easy to hypothesize that if people were to know the so-called �proper� language to be used, slang phrases and words that offend would most likely be obliterated from the face of the earth. There is no need to fret, however, because history has shown us that it�s hard for people to let go of their archaic ways, especially when it involves changing for other people. Since we are probably the most slang oriented society in the world, it would be highly beneficial for all of us to have a lesson in...

�DUN-DUN-DAH!�

Ways to put political

correctness to good use

(if there are any)

1. Never say anything that would offend anyone. Basically meaning, don�t speak until you�re about 30, unless you�re a politician, in which case you probably shouldn�t speak at all.

2. When you walk down the street and see activists protesting the latest controversy, do not encourage them, for this is by no means a way to be politically correct. However, do not hinder them either as the will possibly pummel you to death.

3. If in doubt, always use he or she. (Maybe it�s she or he?)

4. Never call chicks �broads.�

5. Most importantly, if you are living your life in a politically correct manner, good for you. If you are not, please go away.

Got a problem with any of this? Then write us a letter, walk you carcass down to Mrs. Gromer�s room, and leave the letter in the folder that says �Smoke Signal.� Just remember that it will be responded to in an almost predictably defensive manner.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... COLDS, KLEENEX, AND GODZILLA

Originally printed November, 1995. Written by Barry Hess and Nate Melcher. top

Our goal in this so-called column is to inform people of the obvious annoyances of colds without using trite phrases like, "Dis cold ith annoying." It may seem like a losing cause to retell, yet again, the fantastically amazing nuances of the common cold, but we are sure this depiction will be considerably more educational than any other.

As we enter the season of glacial weather, holidays, and (gasp!) parent-teacher conferences, we also enter the flu season. The common cold is a common menace to our hallways. But how many times are people who stay home ACTUALLY sick? Not bloody many. Anyhoos, our American scientists have commissioned themselves to find a cure to this affliction upon our nation. However, our glorious American scientists have been workin on this since about the time that the Articles of Confederation were first introduced. Meanwhile, halfway around the globe, Japanese scientists are hard at work developing new means of destroying Godzilla, and SUCCEEDING! Back here, however, we're too concerned with the exploits of Victor on "The Young & The Restless" to concern ourselves of disease. In fact, we like being sick so we CAN [stay home with fake flu and]* watch Victor.

This depresses us.

Going off on a whim, we'd just like to touch on this Godzilla thing just a bit. Do you realize that Japan has no official army, navy, or air force? This is the main reason that monsters usually attack Japan first. When was the last time you saw Mothra flying above downtown Burbank? Never! They know enough to stay the [hell]* away! Ollie North would cream Ghidorah. Godzilla's not as hot as everyone thinks he is. The only monster who could ever stand his ground in our wonderful, yet ill-striken, country of ours would, of course, be Gammora. Gammora would just whup [ass]*, man. He could demolish Rambo & John McClaine, hands down. Oh, yes, our friend, Gammora could rule the world...

Anyway, the United Stated of Influenza is in trouble if we can't come up with a way to keep Joe American from disgorging his jelly-filled crueller upon his dashboard on his way to that wonderful job at that hard desk where he sits all day filling out meaningless forms in triplicate. he then calls in sick only to be scolded by the secretary and scorned by his co-workers.

We need a vaccine. A cure. We need solace in the knowledge that we can build snowmen for 14 hours a day non-stop and not have to worry about slipping & sliding around in some little kid's vomit.

We suggest a student tissue fund. The idea behind this is that elementary-aged kids must each bring four boxes of tissue, which would then be equally distributed to the senior high. This is a good idea, because while senior high students hardly care about bringing tissues to school, elementary-aged kids would certainly be excited about donating tissue to their esteemed elders.

Ther are many comical things associated with colds and their, shall we say, byproducts. Many students have been caught unawares by sneezes. The student then makes his/her way to the front of the room, hand cupped firmly on his nose. In a nasal voice, the student asks his/her teacher for a Kleenex--Now that's another thing that perturbs us! Why is it that we call facial tissues Kleenex? What is so great about this Kleenex company that we need to call facial tissues, no matter what brand, Kleenex?

Do the Kleenex, Q-Tip, [Kotex]*, and Band-Aid companies have some type of subliminal advertising that motivates us to call cotton swabs Q-Tips? To call adhesive bandages Band-Aids? [To call any form of feminine hygiene pad Kotex?]* And ultimately, call facial tissues, Kleenex? We are certain that if the government was to spend any money this year, it would be in the investment of the new Star Wars figures AND an investigation of this situation! These powerhouses of commerce should be demanded to pay for all of this free advertising they have matriculated. Messing with peoples' minds is the stuff of nightmares! Stuff that one only expects to see in "Ishtar" or "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot"!

...Thank you for the opportunity to clear out our minds of these perfidous thoughts. "We're here only to give 'em the good stuff!" We're sure you are wondering about the kid from a few paragraphs back. ...You weren't? Well, we weren't, either. (sniff)

Got a problem with any of this? Then write us a letter! Walk your carcass down to Mrs. Gromer's room 309, and leave the letter in the folder that says "Smoke Signal." Just remember that it will be responded to in an almost predictably defensive manner.

* - Denotes cut from original column.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... THE END OF THE WORLD

Originally printed December, 1995. Written by Barry Hess and Nate Melcher. top

Greetings from the J. Dahl Fan Club.* We thought that you�d like to know that the world is going to end in the year 2012.

�Are you ready?� -Korn.

Yes, according to the glorious Mayan calendar, which has been around for thousands of years stumping those oh-so sagacious scientists of ours for so long, the world as we know it will be no more in approximately sixteen years. Well, that must mean that it�s time to write our memoirs and retire to Florida to hang out with old people until we can no longer stand playing Trivial Pursuit twelve hours a day. Okay, okay, maybe before we start writing �There and Back Again,� we should probably find out how we know that the world�s going to end so soon. According to the CBS special, �Lost Civilizations,� the Mayan calendar is accurate down to a few seconds, and has been this accurate for around 5,000 years. The Mayans also predict that the world will end in the year 2012 and therefore, everybody shall panic and flee into the streets chaotically, proceeding to pillage and loot the nearest Wal-Mart they can find!

No, don�t do that. Because we are very narrow-minded and unwilling to accept the idea of our own morality, we shall attempt to shoot down this flying idea of Armageddon which buzzes around our heads like African Killer-Bees (the insects...No, they are not wrestlers). Now, the first reason that the this probably won�t occur is the fact that, instead of being aired on highly sophisticated cable channels like the Learning Channel (a.k.a. Dino-TV) or A & E (a.k.a. The World War II Channel), �Lost Civilizations� was aired on CBS. This is the same CBS that airs �The Nanny.� Need we say more? Yes. To prove the unreliability of CBS, we predict that the network will air Fox�s �Alien Autopsy,� with comedy superstar Bob Newhart, as an ongoing sitcom for sweeps week.

Secondly, the Mayan culture, no matter how sophisticated they were in their sciences, have vanished from the face of the earth, leaving one to suspect that they were abducted by the very aliens which helped them build their pyramids. Thirdly, if you, the reader, have ever seen the movie Terminator II (and who hasn�t?), then you will most likely agree with our version of how the world ends.

Everyone knows that the world will end when a computer workstation in Iowa becomes aware of its intelligence. It will then download plans from the Internet on how to make a fertilizer bomb. Next, it taps into the personal computers of corporate pork producers, instructing the PCs to have large shipments of excrement sent to a remote pasture near Washington, Iowa. By the year 2050, the heap of manure has grown large enough to destroy the world? (How does it destroy the world? Keep Reading!!) Then, an unintelligent boy (in Iowa?) lights his first cigarette and throws the match into the heap. BOOM! What a mess. It may seem impossible for a nuclear strength bomb to be set off by a match taken from the local cafe, but that is what will inevitably happen. Finally, the previous theory on the end of the world assumes that the human race survives next fall�s syndication of �Xena-Warrior Princess.�

We�re sure that everyone is rather distraught by now (our readership of the column is just SO strong...), but take heart, for our thinking is that if the world ends and we go with it, at least we�re gonna take Rush Limbaugh with us!

* J. Dahl is the writer from the Fargo Sudhian newspaper who gleefully and blatantly plagiarized our column title. Ask Smoke Signal personnel for more information.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... DEALING WITH CHANGE

Originally printed January, 1996. Written by Barry Hess and Nate Melcher. top

In our ever changing world of bliss, we must all learn to deal with changes in a nice and happily happy manner. This however, can often be difficult due to the simple fact that most of us are only human. For those those of you who are dogs, however, your life is so carefree in the fact that you�re greatest accomplishments include marking your territory and having waken up every living being in a 4-block radius that fateful summer night, so you have to worry about, so go eat or something. Fish also have it very easy, especially the herring. But for all of you humans out there, you will be happy to know that we have constructed a list of beneficial ways in which you will be better able to deal with the evils that plague our meager little existences.

1. Books Reading books is very important when it comes to dealing with those hardships in life. Here�s an example. Imagine that you are witnessing this conversation in the hall:

DELBERT: I�m sorry, Delilah, but I�m going to have to break up with you.

DELILAH: Ha! As a mature woman of the 90�s, instead of sulking around for weeks about our broken relationship, I�m going to go read a cheesy romance novel with Fabio painted on the cover so that I can read about somebody ELSE getting dumped, so there! (sticks out tongue)

DELBERT: Oh, great! Now I have to go cry in the bathroom like the man I am! (runs down the hall screaming "Attica!")

2. Soak Your Feet. This relaxes many people after a stressful day at that exhaustive job. This, however, should not be confused with the ever popular Soaking Your Head, which is usually done when your ego gets bigger than the Hollywood Bowl.

(NOTE: Do not confuse Soaking Your Head with the ever-popular Placement of Head in Microwave. P.H.M. should only be done for fun and not necessarily with your own head.)

3. Talk on the Phone. Talking on the Phone allows you to vent all of your frustration to a good friend. Or if you�d like, you can call up your worst enemy and rag on him/her/it for a while. Either way you do it, make sure it�s not a long distance call, otherwise you may go insane and have to resort to...

4. Eat Whole Cereal Boxes. No, not the cereal, the boxes. Cardboard is a very good source of fiber and is high in riboflavin according to the FDA. Well what do I do with the cereal then? Glad you asked. Simply gather the cereal into a large bowl, take a large piece of tag board with glue all over it, randomly discard the cereal onto the tag board, sell it to an art gallery for $2.6 million, be rich and buy stock in the particular cereal of which your "art" is created. Hey, Van Gogh would have done it...

5. Join a Monastery. You, too, like the Monks of Tibet can lead a life of peace, serenity, and celibacy...oh, wait, don�t do that...

Without these five laws of dealing with change, no one would survive. In fact, the world would probably be a great place to live. Hmm, maybe this is the secret to success...No, no it isn�t. Um, never mind.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... PBS

Originally printed February, 1996. Written by Barry Hess and Nate Melcher. top

The best opener we've ever heard eludes us at the moment. Soooooo... 3...2...1... CONTACT!

The Public Broadcasting System, more affectionately known as PBS, is the common person's visual caviar. Where else can a man stuck in the seventies teach you about how special you are? (Note: As of this printing, Mr. Rogers has witnessed the making of the 1,000,000,000th Crayola� crayon! Remember this tidbit of information for Trivial Persuit, [The Expigated Pointless Edition]*!) Where else can a child learn that "Doin' the *coo-coo* Pigeon" is a great way to learn the uses of balance and equilibrium? Where else can one learn how the flight patterns of African swallows effect the formation of geodes?

Well, maybe it does have its demerits, but aside from the constant badgering for $5,000 donations in exchange for a t-shirt that says "NOVA," PBS has always been at the forefront in the epic melee of education versus the downtrodden public opinion of teachers and their inflated salaries.

(B: "Do you think they understood a word of that?")

(W: "I don't know, does Graxu grumble in the Kraid?")

(B: "...Mm-hmmm...")

Recently, we - "we" meaning one of us - viewed a fine installment of a ... no. THE rock-and-roll documentary. It certainly gave more meaning to Iggy Pop's brilliant lack of popularity in the public eye, and the very, very loose connection rap has with rock. In fact, the only connection rap appears to have with rock is Run DMC's collaboration with Aerosmith on the ditty "Walk This Way." Meanwhile... eight hours earlier, on a highly educational episode of "The Write Channel" ("Palabra jot! Palabra jot!"), Red Green and her little cricket buddy taught us why "q" needs his good ol' cohort "u" there to help him because of that gammy leg, which is as good an excuse as any we have heard throughout our schooling. Once, we witnessed a farcical aquatic ceremony. Whoops, wrong network. In fact, wrong planet...

"But wait a second, elevator boys!" you may exclaim. "How can you defend a channel that airs meaningless twelve-part documentaries about soup spoons and their economic value toward society despite their dogmatic drawbacks?" Tsk, Tsk, Gwenivere. Do you not know how beneficial these factual disciplines could be to you? Here is a sample scenario of just one way in which the information that your rather pedestriant cerebrum obtained can be used from watching all program segments of the documentary:

QUENTIN: "Goodness! I seemed to have misplaced my soup spoon! Does anyone know of a place of commerce from which a new one may be purchased?

STARLA: "Zowie! That is a problem! But thanks to PBS's wonderful documentary, of which I watched all segments, yes, I can tell you the exact location where the finest soup spoons may be purchased!"

On the other hand, some people didn't do quite as well in alternate situations, due to the fact that they did not watch all twelve segments:

CECILIA: "Ack! A considerably enormous chunk of pumice from space is pummeling its way to earth! What do we do? What in the name of (fill in the name of your favorite deity here) do we do?!"

JOHANN: "Bonkers! If only I had finished watching that accursed PBS segment about soup spoons and their deflective properties toward porous hurtling pebbles about to enter our orbit and vaporize us to the nothingness from which we sprouted at the beginning of the beginning!"

Even worse were those who didn't even watch a single installment of the show:

EUNICE: "Cripes! Somebody has pulled the self-destruct lever here at the nuclear power plant, dooming us all to a horrible death of wading through pestilant, yet rather scrumptious, glowing radioactive material! Quick! Use the specialized abilities of a soup spoon to divert this horrible catastrophe!"

MARIO: "What? Aaaaargh!!!" (sizzle, sizzle, pop, fizz...)

So the next time that someone tries to tell you that you're crazy for watching some hokey-looking moose puppet rain ping-pong balls down upon Captain Kangaroo...

(B: "Is he from the Army, the Navy, or the Air Force?")

(W: "The Love Boat, I think.")

(B: "No, no, that's Captain Stuebing.")

(W: "Wasn't he from 'Battlestar Gallactica'?")

(B: "...You git.")

...you just remind them that without PBS, there would be no grown men dancing around in a "Clifford" outfit. Yeah, you laugh now, but you just wait until he doesn't say YOUR name when it's your birthday... Not that WE joined the club, or anything...

* - Denotes cut from original column.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... THE EVIL QUIZ

Originally printed April, 1996. Written by Barry Hess and Nate Melcher. top

Within us all, there is a certain something that tugs at our conscience; that probes through our brains; that beckons us to be all that we can be. Yes, my friends, we are talking about none other than the Upholstered Armchair of Eternal Comfort. No, no, of course, we mean our inner beings. Each and every one of us has a little bit of something hidden deep within ourselves that makes life easier and more fun to live. Of course, these deeply hidden selves within ourselves sometimes can be scarred and evil. So how is it that a person can tell whether or not they are evil at heart? Whoopee! You are going to be glad you asked! (Either that or you�ll regret it for the remainder of this column - Zut!) Using the wonderfully professional skills that we acquired through those Sally Struther�s At-Home College Courses (or whatever they�re called), we are able to bring you this exciting and farcically entertaining questionnaire to determine

WHETHER OR NOT I�M EVIL
A Quiz
by
Weez-Dog and D.A.G.
co-starring
Werner Mercader
as the Hopping Woman
special guest appearance by
Spaceboy the Wonder Sloth
1. You are at a party. You notice that some of the people at the party are having a really good time. What do you do?
a) Join in the merriment and frolic with them to fulfill you inner urge to be a rambunctious little party animal.
b) Acknowledge them with a sharp nod, and then turn so that you can wallow in your filth.
c) Shoot them.
d) Stare at them until they finally break down and go silent. Then have a little chuckle to yourself.

2. Your friend has just gotten a bad grade on his/her test even though he/she studied all the night before for it. You would:
a) Comfort him/her as best you can, all the while offering him Puffs Plus name brand facial tissue to wipe away those unsightly tears.
b) Give him/her a look that says you understand, but also, at the same time, says that your grade is worse and it is he/she that should be comforting you.
c) Stand up, walk over to their desk, slam your right fist upon their graffiti stricken desk, point at them with your left hand and laugh scoffingly ("AAAH-HAA-HAA-HAA!!!"), stop, walk back to your desk, sit and pretend nothing happened.
d) Think about what�s for lunch.

3. What would you do in this situation: A little boy is walking along the sidewalk in the opposite direction that you are traveling. You notice that he dropped a $5 bill. If he is going 10 mph and you are going 7 mph and the current exchange rate for a U.S. dollar in Canada is 176%, how long will it take you to make a macaroni duck in your art class?
a) Huh?!
b) What?!
c) Two weeks.
d) Um, sure�

4. No, no, sorry about that. It appears that ONE of us went out on a little tangent. What we meant to ask was what would you do about the money? Forgive us, won�t you?
a) No problem!
b) It� okay, man/woman!
c) I shall kill you.
d) Don�t let it happen again!

5. Anyway, what would you do about the money?
a) Wave him down and gleeful pick up the money and hand it to him, expecting no reward except for the feeling of being a Good Samaritan.
b) Give him the money, but ask for half of it as a reward.
c) Snatch the money and then kick him in the head as you [rush across the street to the adult bookstore!]*
d) Pick up the money and begin to give it back, but suddenly, realizing that to do so without reward would be too conventional, rip the bill into pieces and scatter them to the four winds because, hey, if you can�t have it, no one can!

6. You happen to be at the top of a bell tower with a crossbow when you spot a squeaky-voiced, and rather repugnant person crossing the street. He is wearing: an Ace of Base World Tour helmet, a California Raisins embroidered cardigan, polyester zoobahs, and toting a Go-Bots lunch pail, all the while humming "(Momma�s Little Baby Loves) Shortnin� Bread" and playing with a paddleball game. After a good cackle, what do you do?
a) Leap down and firmly grasp his hand yelling, as loudly and annoying as Jerry Lewis might, "I�ve been looking all over for a kindred spirit like you, man!" Afterward, don your Biker Mice From Mars t-shirt and join in on his harmonious song of mirth.
b) Have a sudden urge to got out and pick up every Judy Garland album you can find�
c) �heh-heh-heh�ooh-heh-heh-heh�foolish humans�if only they knew�
d) Take pleasure in piercing his vulnerable flesh with your crossbow bolt and when you check his I.D., take even more pleasure in the fact that he/she was Donny Osmond.

7. You are at the end of a 96-person line at the ATM. The person at the front of the line just can�t seem to get his PIN number to work. What would you do?
a) Wait patiently and diligently because, hey, it could happen to you too, right?
b) Sigh, shift weight left. Sigh, shift weight right. Repeat as needed.
c) Give up and walk away in disgust. As your walking away, notice a little kid sitting along the curb sucking on a lollipop. Make the best of a bad situation and RAM it down his throat!
d) Throttle machine. Throttle man/woman/man-woman. Repeat as needed.

8. Finally, what, in you opinion, is the most evil of evil acts of all time of the world?
a) Slamming your locker.
b) Watching the new season of Saturday Night Live�and enjoying it.
c) Not washing your hands after you go to the bathroom. (Sure it might not seem evil now, but while you�re eating�)
d) Becoming the President.

Now, here�s how to score (the test, you fool, the test!):
Give yourself 1 point for each "a" answer.
Score 2 points for each "b" answer.
Tally 4 points for each "c" answer.
Tabulate 3 points for each "d" answer.

1 - 8: Well, break out the Bugles, you�re not evil at all! In fact, you�re borderline goody-two shoes in our opinion.
9 - 16: You�re obviously trying hard to be nice, but may be having trouble sticking to your principles. If we were you, you would, besides have a split personality, want to give Post Grape Nuts a try because, hey, they make you happy and healthy!
17 - 24: Yes, you are evil. And yet, you are still a good person inside. "Search your feelings, father. We feel the conflict within you, let go of your hate! That is why you couldn�t bring yourself to destroy me. That is why you won�t bring me to your emperor now." �um, yeah�
25 - 86: This means one of three things: a) you could be evil. b) you could be Senator Joseph McCarthy. Or c) you cheated because the highest possible point total on this quiz is 32! Hmm, we suppose that both McCarthy and cheating are evil, so congratulations! Now go and read about the trials of life for those wacky guys/gals from Peanuts! (Ha-ha. Oh, look at that. Snoopy is a pilot, again. Ha-ha.)

This month we actually received a letter:

"Dear Mr. Hess and Mr. Melcher. Could you mention my name in your column?"
Sincerely,
B. Jones
P.S. enclosed is some money!

HA! Nice try, but we don�t take bribes, B. JONES! Remember, kiddies: Letters are always welcomed and appreciated here at the Smoke Signal (It gives us something to do in our spare time besides making noise in the Learning Center singing 311 songs.) You can send them via Room 309.

* Cut from completed column

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... {[()])

Originally printed May, 1996. Written by Barry Hess and Nate Melcher. top

Welcome to this year's final installment brought to you by the ever-faithful Jon Dahl Fan Club. As the school season dwindles down to the far recesses of nothingness, we are reminded once again of the blissfulness of summer. It beckons us forward toward its ever-wondrous hours of freetime spent "cruising the square." {Hey! Now just hold on a Homey-G moment here, Elevator Boys! People constantly cruise the square even during the school year! Why is this? What is so fun about a six minute ride around the same landmark sights such as the world-famous Pipestone Information Building over and over again? is this town so boring that all we have to do is putt around in our parents cars wasting their gas and causing toxic fumes to rise into the air to kill us thirty years from now? Apparantly so. Speaking of facial tissues, it seems like that Quarry Twin Theater is getting some pretty good movies this year, eh? [All right, enough with the shameless plugs, Jade. The son of the editor of the locally-produced Civil War Lady Magazine forbids you from plugging any products for the remainder of this masterly orchestrated column o' bliss/chaos.] Good thing you mentioned mittens, because just the other day we were downtown looking for a good pair of socks when that freakin' truck ran us over. Fortunately, it was a dumptruck, so they gave us all the free sand that we could carry to the hospital. Anyway, while we're on the subject of power lines, it seems as though they're letting more and more ignorant people on the streets these days, don't you think? [Yeah, I really do think. (Please ignore this foul reference to that oh-so overplayed chart-buster. We don't know what you were thinking) It's like ra-ee-aaaain...] Getting back to what we were saying about the many uses of the scouring pad in household light fixture repair, why is it that many teachers do not read our well-established school publication of doom? Don't they realize what a strong following this column has? [Yes, we can hear BOTH of you laughing out loud.] It's a good thing that feeding the birds [tuppins a bag!] happen to come up in this conversation, otherwise we might have had to talk about highlighting pens and their ability of replacing the commonman's Bic� pen [Now available in black, blue, and new minty red (Sorry about that not-so shameless plug. As we've stated before, the son of the owner of the local Quarry Twin Theater and the son of the editor of the Civil War Lady Magazine will NOT tolerate shameless plugs!) for a limited time only!] Getting back to the topic at hand, those little hard things at the end of your shoelaces, jsut what is the deal with plastic? COME ON! There's no way something can be THAT useful! Have you ever noticed how shuffleboard isn't an Olympic sport yet? This angers the Iraqis quite muchly. [Iraq has the world's greatest shuffleboard team in the world (which is comprised only of heavily trained suicide bombers), The Jihad Raiders.] Before we get too offtrack from our topic of Mariah Carey, ANOTHER really bad thing is rabid snakes. ["They can really bite, you know! Took my leg off right at the hip, they did, yessir! And poor Clem, well, no one's seen 'im since they dragged 'im up to that there cave..." (This quote comes to us from Ian Thripshaw, the Knowledgable Mountain Man of the Aztec Plain, now known as One-Eyed Jack. *...we don't really know why, but...*)] Just to clarify the whole "Bonnie Situation," we want to know why "Major Dad" was cancel... Oh, yeah. That's why... Meanwhile, in the future we hope to see more Cat Juggling. [Mr. Steve Martin would be proud, (Note: Mr. Steve Martin is in no way legally connected with our column in any way whatsoever, especially after the herring incident...) as this was featured in his first feature, "The Jerk."] After looking back on it, we can now see the error in hiring Russel Brown... But enough of that, it's time to get to the business at hand, namely, waffle-irons. Do you realize that without this wonderful marvel of technology, we wouldn't be able to grate cheese? [It's kind of scary when you think about it, eh? (Come to think about it, it's kind of scary when YOU think.) Wow.] It makes sense compared to the Witch Trials of Salem. [Which was only a publicity stunt, anyway.] Which leads to our next question, just where are the Care Bears? Were they, like all other failed utopian societies, sucked into a vortex of their own bliss and proceeded to pummel each other about with their industrial-sized dowels like the DOGMATIC beings they truly are? [Didn't think we could sneak it in this one, didja?] Of course, some people enjoy wallowing in their own filth, but that's up to them. Hmm, maybe that's the reason people like to "cruise the square."} Well, anyway, have a nice summer... ("Yeah, it's over now... But I can see somehow..." - Alice In Chains.)

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... THINGS THAT ANNOY

Originally printed October, 1996. Written by Nate Melcher. top

�Show me that smile again. The best is ready to begin...� We openly admit to playing Atari. Now that we have grasped your attention, it is time to discuss something that touches us all in one way or another.

Whether we are the antogonist, or the receiver of antogony (often referred to as the �receiver of antogony�), all of us are affected by the nuisances and dogmatic troubles of�

PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING!
Starring
Pauly Shore, Jim Carey, Yahoo Serious
and special guest star
Jerry Lewis as himself.
Casting by Ed Wood, c.s.a.

Yes, friends, it is important to realize the many annoyances in the little room we call life, so that we may quickly leave and shut the door. But first, what is the definition of annoying? Well, according to Webster�s dictionary (the expigated version), annoying is �...anything relating to or regarding the pestering and bothering of people. These include lines, slow drivers, and essays that start out �...according to Webster�s dictionary...�.�

To make it simpler on those of you who read the column (hi, you two!), we have made a list of the thirty most annoying things/people in the known universe. Simple. Effective. Unoriginal. Lazy. Sue us.

30. The cast of Full House. (NOTE: This does not include Bob Saget.)

29. The cast of America�s Funniest Home Videos. (NOTE: This does include Bob Saget.)

28. Game show hosts named Wink or Smiley.

27. Standing in line for something, and then finding out after an hour that you�ve been standing in the wrong line.

26. When you�re lying down in the desert dying to death and vultures start picking at you before you�ve even joined the choir invisible.

25. Fatty McGee.

24. Vexorgs. (Hey, we did say the known �universe,� kids...)

23. Going into a bathroom to fix your hair, and then realizing there isn�t a mirror!

22. Never being able to get that last sip of pop (or, for you east-coasters, �soda beverage�) from the can.

21. The fact that although Dick Clark is 175 years old, he doesn�t look a day over 42.

20. European nations that break up so that you have to memorize at least a dozen more names for your social studies quiz.

19. White crayons.

18. People in your (place of worship of the deity of your choice) who walk up to you and start talking to you when you have absolutely no idea who they are.

17. When your 350 V8 fuel-injected engine in your car has too much tork.

16. People who don�t know anything about cars.

15. Green Day.

14. Peepul hoo spel wurdz funetiklee.

13. When you use the commode (you know...) and then discover that there isn�t any toilet paper.

12. Alligators who aren�t satisfied with just one of your legs.

11. Food expiration dates. Seriously, you can still eat that peanut butter...

10. Those Magic Scrubbing Bubbles. Really, people - they used to be buff and military-like when they cleaned those bathtubs but now they just line-dance like a bunch of sissies. For crying out loud, even Toilet Duck could scrub their bubbles to a sudsy pulp!

09. Overpriced Soilent Green.

08. Pigeons who think that they�re too good for you. Example: When you try to catch a sparrow, they just fly away. Pigeons will walk out of your way and give you a dirty look.

07. Tyranny.

06. When you run out in front of a car and the driver won�t stop for you. Man, some people...

05. People who call Nabisco� Fruit Newtons �cookies.�

04. Imitation leopard skin coats. As if you can�t just go kill and skin a real leopard...

03. When you sneak into a mall after it closes and then the robots that are guarding it go beserk and try to kill you.

02. When you wake up in the middle of the night and it�s pitch dark in your room and on the other side of your bed is a monster but then you think that it�s just a pile of clothes but when you turn on the light it really is a monster.

01. Long-winded lists of useless witty banter.

Still confused about the definition of annoying? Ok...next time your in the lunchline, take a minimum of two minutes to decide what you want for lunch. Don�t worry - the people behind you will gladly teach you...

Do you want to be a famous icon in American history just like the Unibomber? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor. We enjoy feedback, unless we�re trying to play guitar...

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... LIFE QUESTIONS

Originally printed November, 1996. Written by Nate Melcher. top

�What would we do, baby, with our love? Sha-la-la-lah...� We openly admit to crying during the end of �Home Alone.� Now that we have grasped your attention, we had better let you in on a little secret - somebody is behind you! �Henh-hanh!� Got �ya! But seriously, Yak-Face, there are some occurances in the world that just cannot be explained. An example that many of you have probably heard is: �If a tree falls down in the middle of the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?� It is questions like these that perplex and boggle the mind. Question after meaningless question; posing itself against the most brilliant of scholars and moonshees. However, we here at the Jon Dahl Fan Club have come up with even more thought-provoking questions concerning life as we know it...

Who named the colors?

Why do you have to make your bed when your going to mess it up in twelve hours anyway?

Who empties the wishing well?

Could a cat bark if he really wanted to?

How could the American justice system let O.J. go free?

Why is it that Gargamel didn�t just kill the Smurfs as soon as he caught them?

If there is B.C. and A.D., when did Jesus live?

How can one person be a �bad dude� and be cool, and yet be a �bad boy� and be naughty?

Why is it that people with straight hair want curly hair, and people with curly hair want straight hair?

If 7-11 convenience stores are open 24-hours a day, every day, why are there locks on the doors?

If Dennis Rodman is as �bad as [he] wanna be,� does that make him a �bad dude� or a �bad boy�?

Will there ever be a decent Police Academy movie?

If adults say that t.v. rots your brains, then why do they always get excited about getting on t.v.?

Where is REO Speedwagon?!

Could an acupuncturist help you if you had hundreds of needle holes in your body?

�Having trouble with your droid?�

If people want peace, why do they have to go to war for it?

Who came up with the Pinto, and, more importantly, why?

If the Pope falls down in the middle of the Vatican and no one is around to hear him, does he swear?

Without Kit, would Michael just be an ordinary man, or without Michael would Kit just be an ordinary car?

If people are always trying to be individuals, why is everyone always concerned about name brands and labels?

Why can�t you preheat an oven?

Can Kenny G talk?

If the only way that the guys on Star Trek can get anything done is to go against the Prime Directive, why don�t they just change it?

If Pac-Man put on Ms. Pac-Man�s bow, could you tell it was him?

When you go to pick up your food from the restaurant, why do they call it taking-out, when you�re actually taking-in?

Is the glass half full, half empty, or should you just get a refill?

Where do the boys go?

If hundreds of banks across the nation are robbed at gunpoint each year, why is your money considered safer at a bank than at home?

Why doesn�t the Trix rabbit just smack the freakin� kids and take the stinkin� cereal?!

If three-prong electrical plugs are becoming more and more plentiful, why do they keep installing two-prong electrical outlets?

Is tapioca pudding just someone�s sick and dogmatic idea of getting kids to eat fish eyes?

Who else is going to bring you a broken arrow? Who else is going to bring you a bottle of rain?

Why is it that Dar�s Pizza has both pizza and applesauce on the menu, Brian Hummel won�t let you have an applesauce pizza? (Ask him. We�re sure he�ll love you...)

If you were browsing in a Rent to Own� store and accidentally broke a t.v., would you have to buy it, or could you just rent it?

If New Kids On The Block were just a fad, what is Alanis Morisette?

If you went into a museum and asked them what was new, would they throw you out?

If Macauly Culkin could act, would �Richie Rich� have been any good? (oh, wait, sorry. We meant only to ask questions that had no real answer...)

Why do people say the angels are mad when it thunders and lightnings if heaven is supposed to be so cool?

When you�re at your office�s annual Christmas party and a sudden explosion rips through the corridor and terrorists led by Hans Gruber take over the building, how can they expect you to �remain calm and not to panic�?

If the Monorail at Disneyland� derailed and plunged into Cinderella�s castle burning it to the ground, causeing hundreds to perish in flame, would Disneyland� still be the �happiest place on earth�?

And perhaps the most perplexing question of all time: Just who are THEY, anyway?

Well, we certainly hope that we have peaked your curiosity about all of the great mysteries of the world. Maybe someday you�ll find the answers. Yeah, and maybe someday Green Day will get some talent...

Brief Moment of Education:
If you�re interested in the mysterious questions of our world and would like to find out more information, check out these fine publications: Laffy Taffy� wrappers, Severity Militia Monthly, or just visit your local library.

Do you want to be a famous icon in American history just like David Koresh? then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor. We enjoy input, especially now that Mr. Johnny-Five is on staff...

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... BEING SAFE

Originally printed Friday January 10, 1997. Written by Nate Melcher. top

The velociraptor looks around. Nothing. Then it sniffs the air. Flesh. Instantly, the animal recoils in delight as it detects the odor of manflesh. Slowly, it stalks the room, its motions are as smooth and fluid as orange juice over your palette. There it is. The raptor can see the boy now. As the boy turns to lay his eyes upon his fate, the fear is slow to come to his face. The only sound in the room is the raptor's low, rumbling breathing, and the bone-chilling "ping" of it's saliva hitting the stainless steel floor in anticpation of a tasty morsel. By the time the boy finds the courage to scream, the animal is upon him. Too late now, the boy thinks. Too late now, replies the raptor, as it dips it's snout down towards the boy's hand to grab a quick bite of his ice cream cone.

Too often do these scenes of bullying occur. It is about time that someone [stands up to these insidious dung-ridden geek-slops and]* does something about it...Eh, what can you do? Anyway, on to this month's installation of witty and pointless banter. Yes, we know we do that every month, but hey, that's why you two keep reading, isn't it?

"Everywhere you look there's the face of somebody who needs you..." We openly admit to preferring She-Ra over He-Man. Now that we have grasped your attention, it's time to address a very important issue: Rocks - don't eat 'em.

Actually, as of late, we have been seeing physically injured people in our school, our community, and that warehouse we wandered into filled with dogmatic torture devices. Though our lawyer advises us not to speak of the latter, we would like to take this time to address the issue of safety. It is important to be safe, because if you're not safe, you're in danger, and [danger's just plain bad, hot dammit.]* We asked ourselves, "Self, is there a way that we can help the people of this wonderful-and-yet-downward-spiraling-into-oblivion world stay safe and clean and totally tubular without sounding too much like (gasp!) a parent?!" We are proud to say that yes, according to the mightily relaible reports that we have received from [Olga, the Sexy-Russian-Bearded Gypsy-Lady]*, there is a simple three step process to determine whether or not a place/activity is safe. When confronted with a questionable safety situation, ask yourself the following questions

A: Do I feel comfortable being here/doing this?
2: Am I here/doing this of my own free will?
D: Did that giant sloth just rip off both of my legs, or just one?

Now, [Sexy-Russian-bearded gypsy-ladies]* are not always right. In fact, she also told us that Hasbro sent us a Cobra Commander action figure with "Kung-Fu Grip" and we still haven't got it! ([We sent those bastards 12 flag points!]* Six to eight weeks our foots!) This just goes to show that this process is by no means meant to cover all situations. There will always be the occasional moment in your life when danger cannot be sensed. That is, unless of course, you're Spider-Man, in which case you're always depressed because all of your family members are either dead or robots but you still have the uncanny ability to use "Spider-Sense" to detect danger and stick to anything including chain-link fence. Because the majority of us are not Spider-Man, we have to rely on each other to remain safely unscathed from the treacheries that would otherwise smack us upside the head and then giggle fiendishly as we twitch like a fish out of water in a puddle of our own fluids.

When it comes to nixing danger and endorsing safety, we need to remember that the first step is awareness and prevention. "Be aware of danger and prevent it," as our good friend Jimmy-Bob Bo Buford Bubba Clementine VanFarfegnewton, otherwise known as Steve, used to say. ...On the other hand, he's also known for saying things like "Ah, don't worry 'bout ol' Rufus. He's used to eatin' them there squirrels raw!" And "Honestly, officer, and the knife was already in 'em when I got here..."

But none of that really matters, because, contrary to popular belief, the majority of injuries are the result of accidents. Even more surprising: not all accidents are intentional; some are actually accidents. In these rare cases, we must rally 'round the family [(pocket full of shells!)]* and support our brethren in their time of great need and despair. There are some simple guidelines that we should bear in mind when it comes to helping out in the fullest:

I. Do not smack their casts.
II. Do not hit them with their crutches.
III. Do not scrape their scabs with a rake.

As long as we follow these simple guidelines, we will be able to play our small role in helping them recover from their injuries. In fact, if we were to live our lives a little bit more like in the immortal words of Simon & Garfunkel, maybe injuries would occur less often, and then everyone will be "Feelin' Groovy!" ...Then again, they broke up...

Hey, kids! Do you want to be a famous icon in American history just like Senator Joseph McCarthy? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in at Room 309. We enjoy hearing our readers' reaction, unless we're a tyrannic autocracy.

* Cut from completed column.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... CARTOON FANTASY AND REALITY

Originally printed February, 1997. Written by Nate Melcher. top

�There�s a time for love and a time for livin�� We openly admit to crying during Oprah�s reunion episodes. Now that we have grasped your attention, it�s time to sink back into our bean bag chairs, settle down with a big bowl of Lucky Charms� in chocolate milk, and turn on the t.v. to watch our favorite Saturday morning cartoons of yesteryear.
That�s right, friends, it�s time to lounge around in our pajamas and remember the days when we voluntarily woke up at five in the morning to catch the best cartoons. Back then, cartoons may have seemed realistic and well written, but that is hardly the case. That is why we bring to you�

CARTOONS: FANTASY & REALITY
Starring Neil Patrick Harris as Captain O. G. Readmore.
Special guest star Werner Mercader as the Hopping Woman.
Produced by Jeffrey Scott.

Instructions: *FANTASY* represents how a basic episode of the program goes. *REALITY* represents how it would go in real life. Ready? Here we go�

THE SMURFS
*FANTASY* Gargamel and Azrael catch the Smurfs to eat them (for some unknown reason). Papa Smurf sneaks into the house and smuggles the Smurfs out. Gargamel says �Ooh, I hate Smurfs!� and then chases Azrael around the room.
*REALITY* Gargamel sprays propane on the Smurfs� mushroom village and sets it on fire.

SCOOBY-DOO�WHERE ARE YOU?
*FANTASY* Scooby and the gang hop into the Mystery Machine and head over to Fred�s Uncle�s new hotel, completely oblivious to the fact that it�s haunted by an evil IRS agent. While there, Fred wears his bellbottoms with pride, Daphne gets kidnapped, Velma loses her glasses and says �Jinkies!� in excess of forty times, and Scooby & Shaggy eat a sandwich so huge that it would choke a hippo. Oh, yeah, Shaggy eats dog treats. Dog treats, man�
*REALITY* The kids find out the house is haunted. The kids leave. Shaggy still eats dog treats�

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS
*FANTASY* The kids are strolling along in the Enchanted Forest of Horrid Death and Eternal Peril looking for Unie (�Maangh!�). Suddenly, they bump into a legion of Skeleton Warriors. After defeating them, they battle Venger, the Dogmatic Dark Lord of Annoyance. When the portal that will lead them home opens for them, they have to give it up to help someone else. Then Eric (the Cavalier) gets really mad at Dungeon Master and falls in a mud puddle.
*REALITY* The group whoops on Venger and takes the portal home in the first episode. Eric kicks Dungeon Master.

MUPPET BABIES
*FANTASY* Nanny tells the kids that they don�t need a t.v. or toys or Scooter�s TransGo-Jobot to have fun as long as they use their imaginations. The kids pretend they�re cowboys, meanwhile Gonzo is a Space Weirdo. Fozzie gets hit with a tomato.
*REALITY* The Muppet Babies realize that Nanny tells them to use their imaginations just to screw them out of toys and run away to become rich and famous with their variety show and movies. Fozzie still gets hit with a tomato.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
*FANTASY* Krang orders Shredder to open the portal to Dimension X. As usual, Bebop & Rocksteady botch it up and Shredder calls them �cretins.� Then the Turtles arrive and smack them around.
*REALITY* Shredder fires Bebop & Rocksteady. Shredder eats Krang. Shredder joins Turtles. Spinter marries April O�Neill. Rat King becomes the show�s main villain.

INSPECTOR GADGET
*FANTASY* Chief Quimby gives Gadget a mission to stop Dr. Claw from taking over the world. With the help of his niece, Penny, and their dog, Brain, Gadget inadvertently completes his mission despite blundering around like the fool he is.
*REALITY* Dr. Claw�s agents capture Gadget and use him for spare parts on their Buick. Penny, whom Gadget kidnapped in the first place, is returned to her parents, while Brain goes on to be a regular guest star on Heathcliff and Johnny Quest.

Though we�ve only scratched the surface, this gives you a good idea of what kind of mindless gibberish cartoons really are. Oh well, we gotta go now. It�s time to watch �G.I. Joe�!!!

Hey, kids! Do you want to be a famous icon in American history just like Michael Fey? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor. We enjoy reader�s response, unless it�s full of gratuitous witticism�

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... PRODUCT MASCOTS' ORIGINS

Originally printed March, 1997. Written by Nate Melcher. top

"It's a rare condition, in this day and age, to find any good news on the newspaper page..." We openly admit to looking in couch cushions for change to support our addiction to Skee-Ball (we're getting help!). Now that we have grasped your attention, we need to ask you a question: Where do the mascots for products come from? Was Mr. Clean a real person? Is Count Chocula an ancient European myth? Are you related to Aunt Jemima? Questions such as these have perplexed us for many a minute. It's time that we try to find an answer worthy enough to be printed in such fine publications as "Weekly World News" and "Severity Militia Monthly."

There are several theories as to what kind of a sadistic person could come up with something such as Toilet Duck. However, because we strongly stress giving everyone a fair shake (mmm...shake...), we shall have to scrutinize each theory uno by uno.

One theory suggests that the mascots such as the Michelin Tire Man and Captain Crunch are actually constellations as recorded in history by ancient Greek astrologers. Back then, a conversation between two scholars may have gone like this:

"Socrates (pronounced 'So-Krates'), do you know where the constellations of the Campbell's Kids are?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, Aristotle (pronounced 'Steve'), but I do believe they can be found surrounded by the McNugget Buddies."

Does this mean that some of the great names like Grimace, Col. Sanders, and Chester Cheetah are ancient signs of the Zodiac?

"Hey, baby! What's your sign?"

"Lucky the Leprechaun..."

Another postulate is that the names and likenesses of product mascots are based on real people from history. Now, in cases where they look real and have realistic names, such as Uncle Ben, Betty Crocker, and Mrs. Butterworth, this is plausible. However, we would like to think that Sonny the Coo-Coo bird was never a real person. (There is a theory, however, that Sonny may have actually been based upon a combination of the Marx Brothers: Harpo, Karl, and Richard.)

A popular explanation among many angst-ridden teenagers is that "cool cats" like Pizza Head and the Hamburglar are actually part of the rockin' alternative groups Green Jell� and GWAR, who are well known for dressing up in foam rubber costumes and dancing on stage like oafish morons, never actually making music, but never actually losing the audience's attention, either.

Some psychics contend that the mascots originate from the deep unconscious decisions of the mind. Are Cheesasaurus Rex and the Energizer Bunny really figments of our imagination? Possibly, but some could argue that if the mascots were from our dreams, then they also come from our nightmares. And if that were true, then the Trix Rabbit could get the Trix� and the Kool-Aid Man would spill.

The most preposterous, and yet, possibly the most realistic theory, is that it's all part of a huge government conspiracy. It traces back to the early fifties, when the government was running nuclear weapons testing and accidentally created a race of strange, and yet, publicly appealing, characters that are now used to subliminally emit radiation every time we see them on commercials. The Nielsen Ratings Families are used for blood samples to continue the nuclear testing.

Yes, friends, as screwed up as adults say that our generation is, all of this may have originated in their time, during the "golden age" of television, when only wholesome family shows were aired. (Of course, back then, "The Flinstones" advertised cigarettes...)

Hey, kids! Do you want to be a famous icon in American history like (kmph!) The New Kids On The Block? Then write us a letter! Turn them in to any Smoke Signal editor. We like responses, especially when we're trying to break into Cosmo's office. ("Passport?")

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... OFFICIAL SLANG LANGUAGES

Originally printed Friday April 18, 1997. Written by Nate Melcher. top

"Makin your way in the world today takes everything you've got..." We openly admit to solving problems as the d.j. revovles it. Now that we have grasped your attention, it's time to bring in da' noise, bring in da' funk! Actually, we want to know: Language - what is up with that? There are so many, and they keep inventing more every day. English? Ebonics? Spanish? Pig-Latin? How do they tie together? What makes them different? Where can we learn how to efficiently dissolve dogmatic governments?

Although we didn't find those answers, we did learn another one of life's great lessons: Never stand in back of a cow.

The thing we don't get is if Ebonics was made an official language, and yet is considered to be a form of slang, why don't they have official languages for other forms of slang? Are other groups to be ignored? We have come up with a table to show...

HOW IT WOULD WORK IF OTHER FORMS OF SLANG WERE MADE INTO OFFICIAL LANGUAGES

starring Anthony Daniels as the Interpreter,

Burt Reynolds as Mayor John "The Stinger" Smith

and Scott Bakula as the Wacky Neighbor.

Here is the phrase in English:

"Hello. How are you? I am fine. It is good to see you."

Here is the same phrase in it's new slang forms:

Surfonics: "Yo, Dude! How's it hangin'? Dude, I'm cool! Awesome seein' ya!"

Valley: "Like, Hi! Are you, like, okay, or something? I am sooo fine! Aah! I just love your outfit!"

d'nealian (originating from Hopkins, MN): "Me saying 'hello.' You - good. Me - fine. It good seeing you."

Hicknian: "Howdy y'all! Y'all had nuff ta eat? I sure did, let me tell ya! Sure am glad to see you doin' so well! Yee-HAW!"

Alternative: "Hey."

New Yorkese: "HEY! WATCH IT, I'M WALKIN' HERE! How are you doin'? Me? I'd be fine if YOU GOT OUTTA MY @*$(& FACE YA LOUSY @*#)&^!!! Yeah? WELL SAME TO YOU, BUDDY!"

Geeklish: "Uh, greetings, human. Are you fully functional today? I'm just great, considering I've been up for 72 hours on the Internet. You've got some great e-mail! Huel-Huel!!"

This is by no means a complete list, so feel free to think of some of your own new "official" languages!

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... MUSIC TALK

Originally printed May, 1997. Written by Nate Melcher. top

�Good Times! Good Times!� We openly admit to believing that everyone who reads this column understands every single joke. Now that we have grasped your attention, we just wanted to let you know something: The one thing that we have learned in the opus that is our lives is that there are many different people in the world. Everyone has different interests, different tastes, and different ideas for casting the next Batman movies (We still say Howie Mandell as Robin! �Holy rubber gloves, Batman! What? What?! What are you laughing at, what?!�) In this month�s installment of mindless banter, we shall delve into the differences that make us different. We certainly hope that U2 reading this enjoy it...

The first thing we learned about people is that everyone has opinions. Some say Men Without Hats are not necessarily better than Men At Work. In fact, some consider them to be Subhumans. Others would much rather wear Cardigans any day. Religion has its opinions, too. Some people think God Lives Underwater. Some people even join the Ministry to be a Judas Priest or a Reverend Horton Heat and work in the Cathedral. On the other Extreme, some try to avoid Bad Religion all together.

Everyone tries to get rid of stress. Some people try to reach Nirvana on a Green Day by floating down the Green River, but all they get is Madness from the Poison. Others try planting their own Soundgarden, but get Tears For Fears of wilting Wallflowers and ending up with a Savage Garden. Meanwhile, brothers and Twisted Sisters ask their Gear-Daddies to rev up the Tractors and plant some Hall & Oates. Later, they�ll put their crops in the GodHead Silo. People stay healthy by drinking bottled Creedence Clearwater Revival, straight from the Colorado River near John Denver.

Everyone has a place to go to. Some go to Asia, some stay in America. It all depends on where you like to Journey. Before going somewhere, however, keep in mind some adults feel that today�s Sonic Youth Rush things too much. On the other hand, some people go through life not caring one way or another. For instance, our Skinny Puppy, Toto, was digging its Paw under a Bush one day looking for a Mother Love Bone, but decided to chase the Yardbirds and Jayhawks instead. That Snoop Doggy Dogg just left the Bono lying on The Edge of the lawn and went after those Black Crowes. Likewise, Immortals have nothing to worry about. They�ll be aLive forever and Live To Tell the tale. Some people just like to wait for R.E.M. when they go to sleep and enter the land of Dream Theater.

We all have hobbies. Some people cook. The Meat Puppets whip up a nice Meatloaf and some tasty Sausage. But be Careful! Grandma Pearl�s Jam tastes like Rancid Pavement. No Doubt! Her kitchen is a literal Biohazard. Our lips pucker into a Kiss when we think about her pie with Cranberries. On the other hand, we lick our Flaming Lips in anticipation of her homemade Lemonheads. She also makes a wicked Green Jell�. Sometimes it�s Pink. Floyd prefers collecting Tools to Smashing Pumpkins, while others would rather crush a Blind Melon than own a jar of Collective Souls (or own Jars of Clay for that matter). Lately, it seems a favorite hobby of The Presidents of the United States of America is to go to War...

Besides hobbies, we all have to make a living. The Spice Girls sell spice. The Smothers Brothers smother. The Pointer Sisters point. The Chemical Brothers work in the Chemlab, conducting experiments INXS of many other scientists, like Thomas Dolby. There were some people who worked in the Fear Factory, but it blew up and they suffered a Napalm Death. (Those in the factory who worked with Metallica suffered a Megadeath.) The Body Count also rose because some workers didn�t wear their Helmets. After these guys saw the latest episode of Zena - Warrior Princess, however, they certainly were Greatful Dead.

The Blues Brothers are in heavy competition with the Indigo Girls to provide Blues Travelers with all of their essential blue-needs. The Nerf Herders work in the Babylon Zoo, rounding up all the Monkees, the Beatles, and the Huggy Bear. These �Beastie Boys� have a hard time trying to get the Steppenwolf back in his cage. Even harder are the Def Leppards - they can�t hear a thing. The animal catcher is commonly known as the �Scatman� because he chases away all the Stray Cats. Stone Temple Pilots fly the Led Zeppelins, Jefferson Starships and Jefferson Airplanes, B-52�s, and of course, the Joan Jetts. Sometimes people who work with computers get frustrated and have Rage Against the Machine and have Faith No More, but shouldn�t give up their Broken Hope. The Carpenters are hired to Hammer Nine Inch Nails into boards made of Fleetwood Mac. Teachers tell us about palendrones, like ABBA.

Contrary to what some people believe, there is alien life out there. Yes, it�s true! Somewhere in the 5th Dimension, people�s bodies are being taken over by Great Pretenders and are being transformed into White Zombies. They hardly make good Replacements, however, because they do not have Talking Heads. They used to, but they were lost in the Deep Blue Something. (The aliens expect they were Savataged.) Be careful when you enter the House of Pain. Besides having to watch out for Rolling Stones, it�s filled with Holes, 10,000 Maniacs, and an Iron Maiden. Just make sure that you enter the right Doors, otherwise you�ll probably end up Entombed. The Breeders� Offspring are real Misfits with Suicidal Tendencies (they�re a M�tley Cr�e, for sure.) They need Therapy if you ask us. KMFDM! Excuse us, we just sneezed...

Well, we hope that we�ve helped to show you the things that make us all different. We leave you now with thoughts of hope. We believe that anyone can aspire and achieve in this crazy world of ours if we try. But if you ever want to be the Queen or the King Missle, you�ve got to have a lot of Heart.

Hey, kids! Do you want to be a famous icon in American history just like Timothy Leary? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor. We enjoy reading legible letters, except when they�re ilegible...

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... THE MISUSE OF OFFICE SUPPLIES

Originally printed October, 1997. Written by Nate Melcher. top

The trouble with owning a stapler is the temptation to staple something in a naughty, dogmatic fashion. How many times have you been standing in the office holding a stapler in one hand, your report in the other, and then notice a cat slinking through the boxes nearby? It certainly takes the will power of the Hamburglar after burger rehab not to staple the cat to the floor. But only the strong survive...

But staplers aren�t the only office supplies that are tempting to the evil hand of mayhem. Who hasn�t played football with a paper clip? Who hasn�t highlighted their sister while she slept in front of the t.v.? Who hasn�t wanted to photocopy their own head? The thing to keep in mind, kiddies, is that office supplies are not toys - at least, they�re not supposed to be. It seems that today�s society has a gift of using things for the wrong purposes. It�s true! Christmas fruitcake is used as a doorstop. That powdered granulated stuff to catch oil under your car is used as kitty litter. Even Mir space station started out as a man, his Buick, a rocket booster, and a dream.

The misuse of office supplies is one of the fastest growing addictions in America today. Many do not even know they�re addicted (although they are well aware of their addiction to Klondike Bars - we�d walk a mile...in snow!) How do we control ourselves? Is there a method of concentration to sway our wanting to use the hole puncher to trim our nails? Do we have the strength not to "white out" mother�s glasses? Gladly and proudly, we can say yes, according to research from Dr. Carl Gruberg of the Institute for Going a Bit Red in Helsinki, we know now that there are methods of controlling ourselves when it comes to auto-folding our poodles.

There are several methods of quitting our misuse of office supplies...

You could try quitting gradually. Maybe if you make less and less snowflakes out of your term papers with an x-acto knife, you can eventually quit altogether.

Sometimes hypnosis will do the trick. "You are getting very...sleepy... You will no longer crave...paper...airplanes...made from...your resume...Also...when you hear the words...Bill...Doberman..."

Group therapy has helped many people with their problems: "Hi, my name and I�m a faxoholic."

There is a new product on the market to help squelch the office supply misuse syndrome. Stapletrol - it�s a patch!

And if none of these methods work, you can always resort to the ever-popular, yet dangerously strenuous, quitting "cold-turkey." Be careful, however, as this method can make you somewhat...irritable:

Larry: "Hey, man. How are you doing?"

Balky: "Shut up and give me a stapler! Just one staple, come on, man, just one! It can�t hurt. Give me a stapler!"

Larry: "Cripes, man! You�re outta control!!!"

The thing to remember about using office supplies for the wrong purposes is that it�s not your fault! If you would like to help others in their plight, do one of three things:

A. Hide any and all office supplies.

2. Become a counselor at Office Supply Misuse Anonymous.

D. Burn down Office Max�.

So the next time you feel tempted to staple all of your sister�s clothes to the wall but feel guilty about using the stapler for the wrong reason, keep in mind that somewhere, in some office, people ten - twenty years older than you are shooting rubber bands at each other.

Got a problem with any of this? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor or into the Physics Lab 213. Or e-mail the author of this column at this address: [omit]

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... RED CARS

Originally printed Friday November 21, 1997. Written by Nate Melcher. top

***ATTENTION: Readers! (Both of you!) This month our column is being brought to you in All-New "Enhanced Reading 2000" - a product of C.O.D. (Conglomerate of Domination company)! If you're not sure exactly what's going on in the column (as though that's never happened), the helpful hints in parenthesis will help set the tone of the story. If you still don't know what's going on, well, don't worry. We don't know what's goin on, either.***

The other day I was walking my normal two block stroll to school when I happened to notice something that at first struck me as peculiar. Besides the wombat that attacked me, I noticed that in the time it took to walk to school, twelve RED cars and trucks passed by. No other color vehicles - just red. I began to think to myself, "Self, is this the way to be cool?" Just what is it about the red car that is so appealing? I'm not sure that even red car owners know themselves - if they're anything like me, they're just proud of the fact that their cars actually start (unlike mine). But there's obviously something about those red cars. It's a...presence. It's an...emotion. It makes me want to break out in song with "It's More Than A Feeling." (the problem with this song, however, is that no one knows the words after the chorus: "It's more than a feeling! ...uh... mwahmahmwaah...")

I decided that joining up with the red crew was probably the way to go. So I went down to the motor dealership. A dealer greeted me at the door with the word "commission" gleaming in his eye.

DEALER: (money-hungrily) "Hello, sir. And what can I do for you today?"

ME: (pleasantly) "Hello, I would like to trade in my green car for a newly used car, please."

DEALER: (humorfully) "Well, you came to the right place then, didn't you?! Ha. Ha."

ME: (laughingly) "Ha. Ha. Yes, I hope so."

DEALER: (getting-down-to-businessly) "Ha. Ha. Do you know what kind of car you're looking for?"

ME: (knowingly) "Yes."

DEALER: (questionably) "And what kind would that be?"

ME: (matter-of-factly) "Red."

DEALER: (confusedly) "...ok...Any particular type of car?"

ME: (getting-agitatedly) "I said red."

DEALER: (mightily-confusedly) "...Yes, but what uh, what model of car?"

ME: (reaching-a-decisionly) "Uh...Mmm...bop. You decide. Just make sure it's red."

I decided to leave the dealership because the dealer didn't seem to be all that concerned with my want for a car purchase: he seemed too busy staring into space attempting to comprehend what I had just said. Gosh, some people.

Anyway, I figured maybe the dealer isn't the way to go about

getting myself a good red car. But I really didn't have many other options. I tried using a "car catalog," but all of the pictures were in black & white - not red & red. I tried winning one in a popular annual nationwide contest, but I never got the Pennsylvania Ave. game piece.

I decided that just painting my car red might do the trick. When I went to the paint store, however, I was in for another surprise.

ME: (waving) "Hello, I wish to purchase red paint to paint my car red."

PAINT GUY: (nodding) "Ok, and what shade of red would you like to purchase, sir?"

ME: (blinking) "...Shade?"

PAINT GUY: (pointing) "Yes. As you can see, we have several THOUSAND shades of red on our 'red paint shelf.'"

ME: (frowning) "...Can I just have red?"

PAINT GUY: (scratching head) "I don't know if we have actual 'Red.' We get our paint from Crayola. We've got Strawberry Red, Cherry Red, Big Red..."

ME: (rolling eyes) "But no Red Red."

PAINT GUY: (shrugging) "sigh...Nope...Hey! We've got plenty of Bloody Gall Bladder Red!"

I left the paint guy to his many shades of red paint. Oh, well. I suppost it's not all that important owning a red car. Who knows? Maybe next year green cars will be in style. And anyway, I suppose it's much more satisfying cruising the square in a green car ready to fall apart than a nice, shiny red bandwagon.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... COMMERCIALISTMAS

Originally printed December, 1997. Written by Nate Melcher. top

Every year, it seems that Christmas gets more and more commercialized and less and less meaningful. The entire economy of the United States is focused and dependent upon Christmas. Christmas doesn�t even start at Christmas time! Christmas starts right after Christmas is over so that stores have enough time for sales and making deals. Thanksgiving, St. Patrick�s Day, Halloween - these are mere landmarks in the epic journey that is Christmas.

The true meaning of Christmas seems to have been lossed in all the turmoil of money spending and gift giving. It�s not about giving expensive gifts. If anything, it�s about caring and sharing and celebrating and giving gifts from the heart, not from the pocketbook.

It seem like some companies have a sort of exclusive rights to Christmas? We went to the store to pick up official Z Cavaricci� Wrapping Paper and had to buy Amoco� Christmas Gas to get there!

We�ve decided that perhaps Christmas should no longer be referred to as "Christmas." We present the new name "Commercialistmas" to better describe the so-called spirit of the holiday. This way, those who want to celebrate Christmas for the right reasons: caring, sharing, and celebrating - and those who want to celebrate their own way: possibly with a hernia from hauling ten shopping bags and a new refridgerator on their back through the mall for six hours - are free to do so. It�s important to include everybody at this time of year, you know...

We understand the hardships that everyone faces at Christmas time when it comes to money, so we are proud to offer you this limited edition record collection that Hit Parody calls "the must-have �sad, weepy� music of the decade" entitled, "Christmas-Time Blues." On this fantastic 2-LP set, you�ll hear some of your favorite Christmas-time carols with new lyrics updated for today�s Christmas shopper. Just listen to these great hits!

o (to the tune of Deck the Halls")
"�Tis the season to spend money! Cash-or-cred-it-card? La-la-la-la! Does your store take personnel checks? Show-me-some-I.D. La-la-la-la!"

o (to the tune of "Up on the Rooftop")
"Up on the rooftop, cable man. Takin� it off �cause we spent the money for the man. Ho-ho-ho! Where did it go? Ho-ho-ho! Who really know-ohs? Up on the rooftop: clip, clip, clip! (That�s the sound of the cable man�s cable clips.)"

o (to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")
"Frosty, the Snowman, has spent all of his dough. Now he�s poor and he�s broke and his life�s a joke but his gifts made his friends glow."

o (to the tune of "Jolly Old St. Nicholas")
"Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, lean your ear this way. You didn�t help with gifts this year - my mortgage late to pay."

o (to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
"Ch-ching bell$! Ch-ching bell$! Ca$h register overflows. How could I have spent money so fast - no one really knows."

o (to the tune of "I�ll be home for Christmas")
"I�ll...be broke...for Christmas. You...can count...on it..."

o (to the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus")
"Here comes Christmas debt, here comes Christmas debt right down Christmas Debt Lane. Credit cards, paying�s hard, using cash, going fast, Bill Clinton �feels your pain.�"

...and many more!

Yes, you�ll get all these and much more on the "Must-have record of 1997" raves Rolling Phone; "A really, really neat record" proclaims Spun; "We liked it so much, we actually dubbed ourselves a free copy on tape" states Vague Magazine; "Music to cry and eat too much turkey over the holidays to" declares Better Gnomes & Larders. You�ll never see another collection like this until next year! Not available in stores! Send no money now - all you need to do is become a member of Corporate America and buy into Commercialistmas for these great hits!

Well, kids, that�s about all we can say about the wonders of Commercialistmas. Hopefully, you�ve learned something about the evils of corporate America. Now, if you�ll just excuse us for a moment, we have to go hang our Nike� stockings by our Mossimo� Christmas tree.

Got a problem with any of this? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor or into the Physics Lab, Room 213. Or e-mail the author of this column at this address: [omit]

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS/SUPER BOWL

Originally printed January, 1998. Written by Nate Melcher. top

The new year. Wow - a great chance to start things fresh and hop into the Cadillac of Minivans and cruise on down to Happiness in �98 Blvd.

As we slip into another year, it�s time to get out the holy book of your choice and begin to swear up and down on it all of your New Year�s resolutions. Now, some people take this as a somewhat joking thing. You know the kind; people resolving to work harder and help people more - as if. But we have decided to go the distance and some up with believable and realistic resolutions. All are welcomed to gain inspiration from our resolutions for their own list, as we believe that all people should be equally cool.

And now we present to you...

"RESOLUTIONS: THE TRUE STORY OF MADMARTAGAN"
Starring Erik Estrada as Val Kilmer
Julliette Lewis as the woman he loved
and special guest
"Silver Spoons" star Ricky Shroeder as Chief Justice Warren Burger
Co-starring Werner Mercader as the Hopping Woman
Produced by Henry Winkler
Directed by Opie.

WE RESOLVE:

A. to clean up our drool off the desk after class all by ourselves.

B. to never again try and screw up the ACT master computer by using no. 5 pencils on tests.

C. to give O.J. the benefit of the doubt, because hey, the real killers could be anywhere on that golf course...

D. to do our part in helping the environment by drinking straight from the milk carton, thus eliminating the need for cups.

E. that when people come up to us with their new and bizarre ideas, we will actually let them speak before we stab them with our herring.

F. to search for all members of Foghat and hold them prisoner until they do a reunion tour.

G. to remember that it�s 1998 and not 1987 when we sign checks.

H. never to use the phrase "as if" again. (Yeah, right. As if...)

I. to not eat the old cheese. Sure, it looks like new cheese, but hey, man...it�s old cheese.

J. to refrain from telling jokes involving pizza toppings, deforestation, Buicks, or hydroch loric acid.

K. to take some hydrochloric acid and a coffee table and...oh, yeah...

12. to pay those Sears� aluminum siding rental bills right away because they sure do add up...

M. that even though it may seem like a really good deal, we will avoid buying Pintos.

N. to never, never, never, never, never, never, never, ever, EVER buy a Poison album. Never.

O. to call our Kraft� Macaroni & Cheese Kraft� Cheese & Macaroni.

P. to stop questioning our government and behave like an obedient little peasant.

Q. to never needlessly staple ourselves, household pets, or other people to the floor... unless it�s what the situation calls for.

R. to be more refined in our music listening tastes. Instead of enjoying the musical poetry from the likes of Ani DiFranco, Pink Floyd, or Pearl Jam, we will purchase CD�s from fresh, new acts heard ever so frequently on the radio, like Alanis and the Blowfish, Sugar Overplay, and Chumbawambasmackmelotsa.

S. to get a job being the guy who s ays "Play-stay-shun!"

T. to break my "Ms. Pac-Man habit." Hey, man, we can quit anytime we want!

U. to go against mainstream America and actually watch-- uh, what�s the name? That one sport where people kick that black and white ball around the field and score points past the goalie... It�s huge in Europe...You know...that one game...what�s it called?...

V. to give back Karen�s Simon & Garfunkel "Greatest Hits" album back before the next millennium.

W. to find out if Kenny G can talk.

X. to boldly go where no man has gone before...Glamour Shots�.

Y. to write the column at least an hour before layout next time and not make it really long..

Z. to finally solve one of the greatest mysteries of all time -- What color is the carpet in our room under all of our clothes, papers, toys, furniture, CD�s, toys, and toys?

Hopefully we can all learn to be honest with ourselves and try to obey our resolutions. Unfortunately, we�ve already broken one. Number Y.

Super Bowl. To some, the Super Bowl is a mass media event made for endorsing sports gear and sports drinks, topping the competition with great commercials, and giving people an excuse to get drunk on Sunday. To others, it�s a football game.

Top player of the game? It�s a tie. Terell Davis with all of that running and catching and rushing and headaching, and any player that had a false start. Basically, everyone.
Top commercial of the game? Jeff Gordon�s race to get his Pepsi�.
Top sportscaster of the game? The guy who was talking to John Elway after the Broncos won. The interview ended with, "Hey, I gotta go - talk later maybe." and a great shot of the newscaster standing there.
Top hit of the game? The two Broncos that SMACKED into each other with a minute left. That�sss...gotta hurt.
Top highlight of the official halftime show? Watching the big balloon people that SMACKED into each other.
Top highlight of the unofficial MTV halftime show? Marilyn Manson�s triumph over Hanson and the Spice Girls. We actually watched the Super Bowl and must say that we were quite impressed with the performance of all involved. The final scores were as follows:

Green Bay Packers - 24
Denver Broncos - 31
Jewel Kilcher - 65

Personally, for us, the highlight of the Super Bowl was watching, listening, and watching Jewel sing the National Anthem. We like Jewel. A lot. That, our friends, was THE performance of the game.

There was some kind of football thing there, too...

Got a problem with any of this? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor or into the Physics Lab, Room 213. Or you can e-mail the author of this fine column at this address: [omit]

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...?

Originally printed February, 1998. Written by Nate Melcher. top

Childhood. Surely nothing else could better bring out the child within us all. But how many things from our wonder years have stayed with us to our now "adult years"? You won't find Devo on MTV, Spider-Man no longer endorses Hostess� Twinkees�, and Duck Hunt just isn't cool, anymore. Which leads us to wonder...

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO...

The Word Munchers Guy?
Does anyone else think that he was just a really big jerk? Between levels, he's be running around, and then a Troggle would get a rock dropped on his head, and then that Word Munching Freak would LAUGH! What kinds of values were they trying to instill within children with this Laughing-Green-What's-It?

The Cold War?
Tear down a wall and tell a couple of countries that they can leave the union and you've ended a war. Why can't all wars be that simple?

Nelson?
Cool, baby, cool.

The Atari 3600?
That's 3600 games! How could we have given that up? How much was a game back then, $10? $20? They had "Tron - Deadly Discs," "Asteroids," and good ol' "Arkanoid"! But Nnn-oooooooo... we had to go and UPGRADE! ...(sigh) Alright, yeah, we made the right decision, but we still miss "Joust."

The car from "Feris Buehler's Day Off"?
'Cause we want it!

The Smurfs?
Rumors say that they were taken of the air because they promoted a gay society and Papa Smurf, in red, was a satanic cult leader. Hmm, sounds to us like they would be right at home on prime time TV nowadays.

Richard Greco?
Actually, we're not all that concerned about this guy. "21 Jumpstreet" was really, really bad.

Tube Tops?
Nothing defined a generation of hippie-freaks like this essential garment?

Seattle Grunge?
Kurt's dead, Soundgarden broke up. Alice In Chains are still around, but unfortunately everyone wanted Pearl Jam to put out "Jeremy, Part II." The scene's not dead, it's just that the fans won't let it evolve.

Pintos?
Oh. Yeah. Nevermind...

John Stamos?
After "Full House" he was in like two TV movies and that was it.

Slap bracelets?
If you wore one or more of these... Whoah! Talk about the apotheosis of cool back in the 4th grade.

The Bangles?
We miss our ladies.

Cry Baby candy?
And not only Cry Babies: Tear Jerkers, Sour Bombers, and a thousand other candies that all came out at the same time that turned kids bonkers when they had one too many. One too many being one.

Mike Nesmith?
The other Monkees are touring. Where's the stocking cap guy?

Zoobahs?
If anything was ever in style... it was not these...

E.T.?
Personally, we felt that E.T. was just perfect for the role of E.T. in "E.T." We only wish he'd make a comeback appearance. We can see it all now, "E.T. 2: Revenge From The Skies"!

Lick-O-Maid?
The messiest candy on the planet is still the coolest.

The old carpet for the cove?
I'm sure some movie based on the 70's would pay big money for such a realistic prop.

The Roller Rink?
Sure, it became the Blitz, but too soon for our generation! If we only knew decent music as kids (Green Day and Slayer played the Blitz!), we wouldn't have needed Right Said Fred. Besides, when it was the rink, they had Dig-Dug there, man!

Apple IIe's?
Truly, the only way to play "The Oregon Trail" is on a black-and-green monitor.

The Arrow Man?
Assassination, most likely. Personally, we think it was an inside job, but no one is talking. In fact, we place ourselves in danger of getting on the hit list by even mentioning the Arr...er, uh, guy, so let's move on, shall we?

The other two Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers?
Wendel killed them. That sick [bastard].*

Miko?
Of all of Barbie's friends, she was the coolest, man.

Matchbox 20?
Oh, we made a mistake. perhaps this question should be asked in about six months.

Cartoons?
Where's "G.I.Joe"? What happened to "Dungeons & Dragons"? Anyone else remember "The Karate Kid" or "Captain N"? Today's cartoons are SO bad. Where's the variety? The good stuff! We want "The Littles" back, [hot dammit]!*

Sea Monkeys?
You know, there was always an advertisement for them on the back page of our comics, but now it's too late to order them... (sob!) We wanted to name them all Steve. You know, after the first guy killed in every horror movie?

The "Rock The Vote" campaign?
Votership actually went up in the 18-24 year olds bracket. Let's just abandon a good thing, shall we?

And speaking of which, it looks like we've sadly run out of

Got a problem with any of this? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor or in to the Physics Lab, Room 213.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... SAVING YOUR LIFE

Originally printed March, 1998. Written by Nate Melcher. top

Does anyone here ever feel pressed for time? Maybe there was a movie you wanted to see or a book you wanted to read or a cat you wanted to staple, and frankly, there just wasn�t time enough for it? Call yourself Daredevil - have no fear! In our ever-present ambience of astuteness, we have found some new ways that we can all save some time in our lives so that we have more time to play N64 (woo-hoo! Goldeneye�, yeah baby!!!).

The time saved indicated for each item is based on the average amount of time it takes for each average item averagely multiplied by the average amount of occurrences during an average person�s average life span... (Everyone understands this, right?)

To save 7 "necessary" MINUTES of your life, leave the cap off the toothpaste tube. Sure, that hard "skin" forms on the top, but maybe if you, oh we don�t know, squeeze the tube? It just may come off...

To save 10 "much-needed" MINUTES of your life, make sure that whenever you put a new roll of toilet paper on the roll, turn it the right way out - this way you don�t have to waste valuable seconds reaching under to the other side every time you need some one-ply (by referring to one-ply, we assume that you use school toilet paper).

To save 25 "forgotten" MINUTES of your life, always chew the same piece of gum. Dealing with wrappers and packaging every time you want a fresh stick of spearmint will be a thing of the past. (If you want your gum to retain it�s minty-goodness, put it on ice. ["Brr! That�s some minty BITE, laddy!" {Great, now we�re going to get a hundred people asking us how we discovered this trick...}]).

To save 1 "crusin� the square" HOUR, drink the mouthwash. Why waste time spitting and rinsing? Doesn�t it kind of devalue the whole purpose of mouthwash if you spit out its cleansing goodness? Just swallow it and have that minty bitterness keeping your esophagus fresh all day long.

To save 4 "neglected" HOURS of your life, never shovel your driveway. Instead, when you want to go out on the town for a lovely evening, just sit there in your car, let it rev up...and GUN IT! Now you�ll have two clear tire tracks to use later. However, please make sure that your car is powerful enough to do this, so you don�t end up losing time by having more shoveling to do than initially. Don�t worry, though - most cars can do this. Except mine.

To save 12 "I should be watching �Seinfeld� right now!" HOURS of your life, here are some movies to avoid: "Ishtar," "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!," movies starring Yahoo Serious, "Lady Avenger," and "Zombie."

To save 9 "required" DAYS of your life, guys: don�t shave! The real worth of a man in today�s society should be determined by the length and fullness of his beard! This is why Chewbacca and Mark Troseth are so popular...

To save 3 "hall roaming" WEEKS of you life, always make sure you have rubber bands of assorted size in your pocket. Think of all the times that you�ve had to scourge through your house just to find a tiny, itsy-bitsy, insignificant rubber band? And by the time you find one, the cat�s already left, anyway...

To save 8 "depleted" YEARS of your life, don�t go to the bathroom. If enough people do this, eventually the human race will evolve into creatures similar to cnidarians, echinoderms, and sponges, and diffuse their waste products as vapor off their bodies in a steamy-like mist that will float into the ozone layer to form a thin candy shell around the earth. Then we get dipped in milk chocolate! (Oh, wait...that�s M&M�s�, sorry.)

To save 26 "mandatory" YEARS of your life, if you lose something - don�t look for it! Just do as we do and use the old adage: "Well, it�ll show up sometime..."

To save 59 "wasted" YEARS of your life, don�t sleep! Think of all the time wasted sleeping! Dreams are usually really scary (i.e. monsters, Spice Girls, college prep. class, etc...) or just plain stupid anyway (except that one about the time you caught Carmen Sandiego eating creole while spelunking in the Appalachians). Think of it this way: if you don�t sleep, you�ll have time for the other items listed above!

When you add up all this time, you will have an extra 93 years, 3 weeks, 9 days, 17 hours, and 42 minutes of life! Now go do something worthwhile with your extra time, like curling or tininkling...

Hey! We�re on the web! You can find this column and most other columns from the past two years at the following website: [omit] This website is not affiliated with PJHS and is independently setup and maintained.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... PENCILS

Originally printed April, 1998. Written by Nate Melcher. top

Trusty! Empire! American! Integrity! ...Tasty When Bitten! Which catchphrase induces you to buy a pencil?

It�s interesting to note the many different brands of pencils out there. Each one has it�s own little add campaign stamped right on each product. What�s the point of this? Isn�t a pencil a pencil a pencil? You would think that they�re all the same. Well, for some reason, they�re not.

When purchasing a pencil, there�s a lot to think about. There�s hard lead or soft lead, at least ten different kinds of wood, quality of erasers, ease of grip, ease of sharpening, ease of sliding pencil out of puncture wound...

One shouldn�t have to be so concerned when buying pencils. But you have to be. This is because of tests. Tests must all be taken with specific pencils. If you miss any one of the pencil guidelines regulated by T.T.B.P.I.E. - Tests Taken By Pencils Institute of Enlightenment (also known as "Tibby-Pie"), you will automatically be branded incapa ble of doing anything right and will be ridiculed with haughty laughter and much pointing. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!) No, no, we are kidding, of course. Ha-ha. Or at least, we have been paid to tell you so...

But think about it. If your pencil fails you during test day, are they really going to punish you all that severely? ...Well, yes! If you have one with a bad eraser that leaves a big black smear, they throw away your test! If your pencil�s lead won�t leave a dark enough mark, they throw away your test! If your pencil has those little grippies on it or a picture of Scooby-Doo under that metal thing, they throw away your test! Basically, anyone who didn�t learn how to color inside the lines in kindergarten is screwed!

Our theory, is that the government has a conspiracy to weed out the population so that the strong may survive and the weak shall eventually die out. It�s those little ovals! Anyone can fill in a circle, but the oval? Ovals are basically someone trying to do circles and making a lot of mistakes. People have seen them, it�s just that no one has any experience with them. They�re just so different! You think we�re kidding. "Success isn�t based upon filling out ovals," you might say. ...Oval office, anyone?...

The pencil of choice by more successful Americans and proud sponsor of the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah is the Number 2 pencil. What is the deal with No. 2 pencils? What makes this one so good? If No. 2�s are the best, why bother making any other sized pencils? It once occurred to us that perhaps No. 2�s are the cheapest pencils to make and thus, the cheapest pencils to buy. However, if that�s true, than where are number 1�s?...

And what�s wrong with other sized pencils, anyway? Are they really going to dock you for using a Pluto & Goofy No. 4 on your ACT�s?

WORKER: "Sir! This guy�s test came up blank on the scoring computer, but his score sheet is filled out."

BOSS: "Let me s ee that! ...Fool! He didn�t use a No. 2!!! He doesn�t even deserve to take the ACT�s! This is going down on his permanent record!"

Permanent record. Just how long does this permanent record last? Aren�t all juvenile records destroyed after seven years or something? Who has access to this permanent record? Can anyone see it?

YOU: "Honey, we�ve been seeing each other for quite some time. We�ve had our ups and downs. But I think that we can make this work. I love you and... will you marry me?"

HONEY: "I would love to, sweetmuffin..."

SWEETMUFFIN: "Yessss!"

HONEY: "But first, let�s just have a little look at that permanent record of yours... Omigosh! You used a No. 4 pencil on your ACT�s?!"

DEFEATED SWEETMUFFIN: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Webster�s 1991 New Compact Dictionary For School and Office (REVISED EDITION!) defines "permanent" as "existing always." So maybe, yes, a bad permanent record will haunt you forever. Of course, the same dictionary d efines "record" as "a really big CD," so whatever...

The point is... well, actually there is none BUT, the next time you go in for a job (in the year 2036) and you�re not hired because according to your permanent record (which, by the way, is full of juvenile delinquency, crimes, snaps, hisses, and pops), you used the wrong kind of pencil (one of those wavy ones shaped like a pig at the end) on a really important test (spelling, chapter 5, grade six), don�t come a-cryin� to us!...

Got a problem with any of this? Then write us a letter! Letters can be turned in to any Smoke Signal editor or in to the Physics Lab, Room 213. Or you can e-mail the author of this fine column at this address: [omit]

Hey! We�re on the web! You can find this column and most other columns from the past two years at the following website*: [omit] * - This website is not affiliated with PJHS and is independently setup and maintained.

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Caseous.com ... Writings ... Humor Columns ... COMMERCIALS WE'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE

Originally printed May, 1998. Written by Nate Melcher. top

ANNOUNCER: "We're here at the Serial Killers Convention '98 in Skokie, Illonois to see how these professionals store their body parts. Now, Freakboy the Maniac-Psycho, we notice that you're not using Glad-Lock� storage bags with the yellow-and-blue-makes-green seal..."

FREAKBOY THE MANIAC-PSYCHO: "That's righ! I've been using my brand for years and it works just fine..."

ANNOUNCER: "Really? Well, tell you what. We're going to put this bloody head in your bag and this blood head in a Glad-Lock� bag. Now we'll hold them over your brand new xyster and see whcih seal holds..."

FREAKBOY THE MANIAC-PSYCHO: "I'll switch! I'll switch!"

Nowadays, companies try to top each otehr with better and better commercials. Frankly, we're tired of the same trash out there. Forget those frogs and scrubbing bubbles! It's about high-time that we get...

COMMERCIALS WE'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE
starring
"Silver Spoons" star Ricky Shroeder]
as Mikey
and
Joe Flaherty
as The Trix Rabbit
co-starring
Weena Mercadur
as the Hopping Woman
directed
by Spike Lee

"LUCKY CHARMS"

KID: (Running through the glade) "Hey look, guys! It's Lucky - let's get his Lucky Charms!"

LUCKY: (Reaching into his Bag O' Magic) "Git ahway, ye nahstee little freaks! Git bahk, I wahrned yis!"

KID: "Aah! Lucky is using his patented 'Rainbow Magic' to burn out our retinas! Aah!" (snap, crackle, pop.)

"MR. CLEAN"

JOANNE: (impressed) "Wow! How do you get your kitchen floor so sparkly-fresh?"

JANE: (matter-of-factly) "It's all thanks to Mr. Clean!"

JOANNE: (happily) "Gosh, I might have to get me some of thaaAAHHT!... (slips) WHOAH!" (cracks head open, blood gushes onto now non-sparkly-fresh floor)

JANE: (disparingly) "[Ah, fuck.]* Now how do I soak this [shit]* up?"

MR. CLEAN: (proudly) "Just use SUPER Mr. Clean!"

JANE: (relievedly) "Gee, willikers! What would I do without you, Mr. Clean?"

SINGERS: "Mister Clean! Mister Clean! Mister CleeaaAAHH!" (singers slip)

"BRAWNY"

TEACHER: "All right, class. Please turn to page forty-two..."

LITTLE BILLY: "Miss Teacher? Timmy just made barfy all over his desk."

TEACHER: "Oh... GREAT!!! [What the hell is the matter with you little shits]?! Am I supposed to clean this up?!"

LITTLE BILLY: "Look! It's Brawny! He'll clean it up with his super-absorbant paper towels!"

CLASS: "Yaaay!!!"

BRAWNY: "Mmmbp--BLAAHRRG!!! (wiping mouth) Sorry, kids, but Brawny is a sympathetic vomiter. I gotta go to the little boys' room." (massively huge Brawny runs down the hall, BOOM BOOM BOOM...)

TEACHER: "Oh, that wacky Brawny!"

CLASS: "Hahahaha!" (enter "silly-happy" music)

"TOILET DUCK"

TOILET DUCK: "Quack-quack."

FRANK: "Boy, I gotta go..."

TOILET DUCK: "Quack-quack."

FRANK: "Ah! There's a duck in my toilet!"

TOILET DUCK: "Quack-quaAACK!!!"

"JUICY FRUT"

"Put that gum a-way!
Grab a piece of juicy fruit!
The taste is gonna move 'ya!
Try an orange...
A banana...
The taste is gonna move 'ya with a peach with lots of fuzz-ah!
Juicy fruit!
It's healthy for 'ya!
Vi-ta-min C!
It gets right to 'ya!
Juicy fruit!
Find it find it find it in your grocer's produce secion-ah!!!"

"NICE & EASY� BY CLAIROL�"

BRIDE: "Boo-hoo, weep! I can't get married with this hair color!"

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS: "Hi! Don't worry about a thing! Just use some Nice & Easy� by Clairol�. Put it in, let is soak, let's rinse! Now we'll just take off this towel and see the end results. I think you're going to be happy with these highlights..."

BRIDE: "AAH! I'm a twisted freak! My hair looks like Yahoo Serious from 'Young Einstein'! You've ruined my life!"

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS: "Gosh, I, I'm reeaally sorry. I don't know what happened, I..."

BRIDE: "Just get out of here! Go on! You ain't nuthin' without Seinfeld!"

"TRIX"

RABBIT: "May I please have some Trix cereal?"

KID: (eat, chomp, slurp.)

RABBIT: "...Please?"

KID: (slamming down spoon) "NO!!!"

RABBIT: "Okay...(slam! bam! hit! crunch!) Take that kid!" (eat, chomp, slurp.)

Whether or not these commercials ever get on the air is irrellevent. And irrellevency has been our message these past three years. Hopefully, at least one of you two has learned that useless information and witty banter really can be a good thing. Hey, look where it's gotten us!

Oh, wait...

"We're on a road to nowhere..." - Talking Heads.

THANKS...

To Mrs. Gromer, for giving Barry and I a shot, and then putting up with me for another year.

To Ms. Rademacher, for humoring an old man's dying wish to keep on keepin' on.

To Barry Hess, for being there through thick and thin with writing the first year and imput/feedback these past two - it's been fun, thanks.

To Chris "Pudge" Hilgemann, for telling me when a rough draft was or wasn't funny.

To editors Marne and Alison, for letting me in on layout as a freshman.

To past fellow editors Laura, Nancy, and Becky, for fun late-night layout.

To present fellow editors Amber, Gina, Karen, and Dave, for putting up with me one last year.

To my inspiration: Monty Python, Quentin Tarantino, George Lucas, John Woo, Neil Gaiman, Larry Hama, Michael Moore, Dave barry, Dan Stratton, Sesame Street, and too many others to mention.

And to the ever-faithful readers. I really appreciate the two of you.

* - Denotes cut from original column.

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