Trollop Air

Episode 3

Episode 3

Scene 1

Every one is in their rooms. Most are watching TV but Sam is trying to comfort poor fragile Lilly.

Paul: So, you know any good places to go in New York?

Ricardo: Not likely!

Paul: Why not? Have you never been here before?

Ricardo: No, I only ever go to Texas in the states.

Paul: …..Why?

Ricardo (smiling): No reason.

From the next room came horrific screams of pain.

Russel: Somebody help!

The door in between the two rooms opened. Bob ran in screaming holding what looked like his hand.

Ricardo: What the hell?

Paul started to cry.

Russel: Help him! He had an accident with the washing machine!

All they could see was a mass of red liquid spotted with whitish specks.

Ricardo: Calm down! Quick, come over here!

Bob ran to Ricardo, but didn’t stop. He hit him and Ricardo was covered in the blood.

Ricardo: Help! Aaaaargh!

Bob scooped up some of the blood on his hand and slapped it into Ricardo’s face.

Ricardo: !

Paul was still crying.

Lilly: So what should I do? I’ve never been alone like this.

Sam: Come on, we’ll go down to dinner and then come back up here.

Lilly: Thanks Samantier!

Sam: Just call me Sam.

Russsel (laughing): That was brilliant! You should have seen your faces! Actually you will! I got it all on video!

Russ holds up a digital video camera.

Ricardo: What?

Bob: HAHAHAHA shmeee shmoo, pop. Tickly smickly shpoo!

Paul: Eeeeeeek!

Russel: It’s just tomato sauce and shortbread pieces!

Ricardo: That wasn’t funny!

Russel: It was the best!

Bob came back from the bathroom with both hands intact.

Ryan: So what airline are you from?

Stewardess: United airlines!

Ryan: Cool!

Rini was reprogramming her TV to her preferences.

Ricardo: Die scum! I will kill you!

Ricardo was on top of Russel smothering him with a pillow.

Paul: Move Ricardo!

Ricardo rolled off Russel.

Paul: Argh!

Paul jumped off the bed and landed on the floor next to Russel.

Bob: Plicky shmoo!

Ricardo: You fool! You missed!

Ricardo then started to beat Paul. Bob dragged Russel into their room.

Stewardess: How long have you been a pilot?

Ryan: A long time.

Stewardess: Cool!

As Rini reached the next chanel, she was shocked by the views of half naked women.

Rini: How terrible!

Ryan: So which airline do you work for?

2^nd Stewardess: United, same as Cindy.

Ryan: Cool.

Rini bursts through the door.

Rini: Get out! This behaviour is not allowed! You are disg…

Rini looks to see that they were playing cards.

Rini: …Oh…excuse..me…

She turns and runs out the door.

Ryan: Good thing she doesn’t know its strip poker!

Lilly: So we are allowed to talk to guys that we don’t know?

Sam: Yes!

Lilly: I don’t think I could do that! My parents wouldn’t like it. I usually have my brother with me.

Sam: ?

Russel: Bob and I would like to apologise for our joke! However we are still keeping the tape!

Paul: OK. I want to see Ricardo’s face!

He starts to laugh.

Ricardo: I’m not the one who was screaming like a girl!

Paul: Shut up!

Russel: Anyway, we would like to offer you a drink as a piece offering.

He carries a bag through to their room. He tips it upside down. Hundreds of little bottles pour out.

Ricardo: ?

Paul: I’ll have some gin for my G&T.

Bob opened a bottle and downed it’s contents.

Ricardo: You fool! That was my new cologne!

Bob opened another bottle and downed it.

Ricardo: ?

Russel: What do you want?

Ricardo: I’ll have a brandy.

Russel: Good choice. I’ll have a rum.

Russel drank three bottles.

Paul: Let’s go downstairs.

Bob dfrank some more and followed them.

Scene 2

Downstairs in the lobby Ryan is talking to Rini. No one else is around.

Ryan: So where are we going for dinner? There are three restaurants here.

Rini: I think we should go to the one over there. It looks nice.

Ryan: Excuse me, what is the name of that restaurant over there?

Usher: The ceremonial palace of the dragon’s nest with the third green egg portrayed in an upside position with the brown stick curled….

Ricardo: Oh, hello. You changed your mind?

The rest of the crew were waiting for the lift.

Lilly: No. We’re having a girls night in.

Russel: Why don’t you come with us?

Sam: Leave us alone you grotesque freak!

Russel looked hurt yet again.

Paul (quietly to Russ): You don’t learn do you?

Russel just looked hurt.

Usher: …when the stalk flew overhead with a rat squealing in the owl’s beak as the shark attacks his seal brother…

Ryan’s mouth was open as he stared at the usher

Usher: …when the octopus wrapped it’s tentacles around the elephant princess…

Paul: There they are.

Paul waved to Ryan and Rini.

Usher: …and the human hand in it’s own soup.

Rini: That’s the name?

Usher: That’s the translation. In Cantonese it’s Xiao Feng Tsu Lui.

Ryan just laughed uncontrollably.

Rini: We are going to that restaurant over there.

Sam: Thank goodness! It’s not pink.

Usher: Would you like to know the name in English?

Ryan flies through the air, ploughing into the usher.

Ryan: Run! All of you!

They were all sitting at a large table.

Waitress: Herro! Can I shake your porder?

Paul: You can shake my porder any time!

Bob started to eat the salt on the table.

Rini: Can we have a selection of everything?

Waitress: Ya! But of shores!

Ryan: Damn gook can’t even speak properly.

The waitress’s smile disappeared.

Waitress: Look! I don’t want to talk like that but that is what the American people want! Cut me some slack!

Russel: Could I have some wine?

Waitress: Smure! Fed or rite?

Russel: White.

Waitress: Ish zat it?

Lilly: Is this going to be spicy coz I can’t eat spicy food as it burns and I start to cough and it hurts then I don’t feel so well and I start to cry and then everyone sees that and it makes me cry even more and then I have to go and hide…

Waitress (shouting): NO! IT ISN”T SPICY! SHUT UP!

Lilly starts to cry.

Samantier: Lets go for a walk.

Waitress: Anything else?

Paul: Can I have a bowl of spicy Lee Lock Fat Hua soup?

Waitress: Are you sure? I don’t think anyone has ordered that here before.

Paul: Sure.

Ryan: So have we decided where we are going yet?

Ricardo: Bob knows this really good club. He says it isn’t far. Also he can get discounts on drinks there.

Rini: Why is that?

Russel: Because he’s a spaz!

Bob smiles, then eats the pepper.

Lilly and Sam return.

Lilly: What are you guys talking about.

Paul: All the fun we’re going to have when you’re not…

Russel covers his mouth and then quickly lets go as he didn’t want to touch Paul.

Scene 3

Rini: What time do we have to be at the airport tomorrow?

Paul: I think it was 12:00 at the latest.

Ryan: We’ll try for 11:00.

A tall and muscular looking waiter arrives at the table. Lilly, Sam and Rini stare with their mouths open.

Waiter: This is the Trollop party?

Ryan: Yes.

The waiter starts to pour the wine out for everyone.

Samantier (smiling): Thank you so very much!

Lilly (whispering to Sam): Leave him! He’s mine!

Sam: ?

Lilly: Thank you!

The waiter just continued the penis pouring.

Sam: Do you recommend this wine?

Waiter: I think it’s supposed to be very nice. It’s European, from somewhere called Melbourne.

Lilly glared at Sam’s talkativeness.

The waiter finished pouring and left.

Sam: Wasn’t he cute? I could just eat him up…Oooooow!

Sam looked at Lilly.

Lilly’s eyes turned dark.

Lilly (in a low, rumbling voice): He was mine!

Sam: Eeeeeew! That’s scary.

Lilly placed her knife back on the table and started reading the wine list.

Sam (To Ricardo): Lilly is kind of weird, isn’t she?

Ricardo: HAHAHAHAHA!

Sam: ?

Waiter: Here is your soup, sir.

He hands the soup to Paul.

Waiter: The rest of the courses should be around soon.

Sam (smiling): THANK you! You are soooo good to us!

Waiter (Smiling at Paul): I try my best.

Nobody except Paul saw this

Paul: Did you see that?!?

Ryan: What?

Paul: That guy was smiling at me!

Rini: If he were smiling at anyone, it would have been me!

Sam: Please! He obviously likes m.. OUCH!

Lilly: I think he smiled at me.

All of the male crew except Bob laughed.

Bob: Bleeergh!

Russel: What exactly are you doing to that soup?

Paul took out a small vile from his pocket. He emptied the container into the soup. It started to smoke.

Rini: What was that?

Paul: A Thai concoction I picked up to go with this soup.

He then took a sip of the soup.

Ten minutes later the main courses arrived.

Rini: Oh! Hello again!

The waiter started to look annoyed.

Waiter (smiling at Paul): Was your soup satisfactory?

Paul: Tee hee hee!

Paul then got up an started to chase an invisible rooster around the restaurant.

Paul: Charelle! Charelle!

Russel: As you can see, he has a thing for soups!

Ryan: I thought he was kidding about that.

Sam: What? What was he kidding about?

Ricardo: Nothing…

Rini: Tell us!

Russel: It’s nothing. Don’t worry.

Sam (to Russel): Tell us…

She strokes his face.

Russel (without pausing): He is a member of Hallucinogenics Anonymous Group of London!

Sam removes her hand and looks towards Paul. Russel looks dejected.

Ricardo: We should stop him! He might hurt someone.

Russel What are we going to do? He looks like he’s insane!

Bob: Follow me

Bob reaches into his bag and pulls out a broad-brimmed hat with one end bent up.

Rini: ?

Russel: Let’s go!

Bob pulls out a small and shiny metal object with a small barrel. He places a feathered needle in it.

Samantier: What do you…what are you…what the…?

Bob gets up and crawls behind numerous Chinese plants.

Paul was running around and had started to foam at the mouth.

Russel: Look! We can make a run for it! Over there towards the deserts trolley!

Bob: No we can’t!

Russel: Why not?

Bob: Because we’re being hunted!…Over there, behind that bush…don’t worry…I’ve got her!

A small pot plant falls onto Russel.

Russel: Aaarg!

Sam: Sorry, I didn’t see it there.

Bob: Run, run for the trolley. Don’t look back.

Scary music plays: Deedley deedley deedley! Boom boom boom boom!

Russel runs towards the trolley, dives and makes it.

Sam: What about me?

Bob: You can’t go!

Sam: Why not?

Bob: Because we’re being hunted! Over there behind that bush…

Sam: You said that before! Who is hunting us?

Bob: Look!

Sam looks and sees the head waitress watching them.

Sam: What are you going to do?

Bob lifts up his gun and fires the dart at the head waitress. She falls to the ground.

Ryan: Now!

Ricardo lifts the waitress’s legs while Ryan lifts her arms.

Ryan: Put her in this box.

They do.

Paul: Fluffy bunny!

Russel: Aaaaargh! Get away from my nipples!

Paul is trying to tweak Russel’s nipples.

Paul: Icky flicky!

Phoot!

Paul collapses on the floor.

Waiter: Look, I’m sorry I have to do this, but...well…er…I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Rini: Why?

Samantier: What have we done.

She smiles seductively.

Waiter (Looking annoyed): You damaged restaurant property, tranquillised our head waitress and scared the hell out of our patrons! That little guy is carrying a tranquilliser gun! GUN!

Rini (Smiling): Are you sure you couldn’t make a teency weency little exception?

Waiter: NO!

Russel: By the way, we’re from Trollop Air and that’s Paul.

Waiter (smiling): Thanks. I’ll remember that.

Waiter leaves.

Rini: Why did you tell him that?

Samantier: Yeah!

Ryan: He’s GAY!

Rini: Paul? Yeah we know…

Ricardo: No! The waiter!

Sam: I don’t believe you!

Rini: Don’t be so stupid.

Ryan: Where’s Lilly?

Sam: Haven’t seen her for quite some time.

Bob: Do you want a sweety?

Rini: No!

Bob: Sweety!

Paul: Uuurgh! What happened?

Ryan: We’re leaving because of your fit.

Paul turns red.

Bob (Very close to Rini):                Aaaaargh!

Bob starts to drool.

Rini:        Fine, you can get something!  Hurry up!

Bob smiles, drags her over to the dessert trolley.

Rini:        Look!  I don’t want…WHAT IS SHE DOING?

Lilly is inside the dessert trolley hammering on the glass.

Lilly (smothered):                Help!

Rini yanks the trolley top off and frees Lilly.

Outside the restaurant.

Ryan:      What do we do now?

Russel:   Let’s drink!

Ryan:      Sounds good!

Rini:        What if we don’t want to get drunk?

Ryan:      Don’t come along!

Sam (looking unhappy):                I’ll stay here with Lilly…

Lilly:       No, I want to come too!

Bob:        Ecky ecky thawing zip bong day blwblmlml

Ricardo: A night on the town!  How fitting!

Paul:       I don’t feel too good!

Rini:        Don’t throw up on me

He proceeds to throw up on Rini.

Rini:                Aaaaaaaaaaargh! (screams of horror)

Ricardo: I give you…my pity!  Ha!

Rini starts to cry.

Russ:      How about we just go up to our rooms and meet back here in half an hour.

Ryan (to Russ, whispering):                I’ll see you in the bar in ten minutes.

Russ:      Sure.

End of Episode 3