Trollop Air
Episode 3
Episode 3
Scene 1
Every one is in their rooms.
Most are watching TV but Sam is trying to comfort poor fragile Lilly.
Paul: So, you know any good places to
go in New York?
Ricardo:
Not likely!
Paul: Why not?
Have you never been here before?
Ricardo:
No, I only ever go to Texas in the states.
Paul:
…..Why?
Ricardo (smiling):
No reason.
From the next room came
horrific screams of pain.
Russel:
Somebody help!
The door in between the two
rooms opened. Bob ran in screaming
holding what looked like his hand.
Ricardo:
What the hell?
Paul started to cry.
Russel:
Help him! He had an accident
with the washing machine!
All they could see was a
mass of red liquid spotted with whitish specks.
Ricardo:
Calm down! Quick, come over
here!
Bob ran to Ricardo, but
didn’t stop. He hit him and
Ricardo was covered in the blood.
Ricardo:
Help! Aaaaargh!
Bob scooped up some of the
blood on his hand and slapped it into Ricardo’s face.
Ricardo:
!
Paul was still crying.
Lilly: So what should I do?
I’ve never been alone like this.
Sam: Come on, we’ll go down to
dinner and then come back up here.
Lilly: Thanks Samantier!
Sam: Just call me Sam.
Russsel (laughing):
That was brilliant! You
should have seen your faces! Actually
you will! I got it all on video!
Russ holds up a digital
video camera.
Ricardo:
What?
Bob:
HAHAHAHA shmeee shmoo, pop.
Tickly smickly shpoo!
Paul:
Eeeeeeek!
Russel:
It’s just tomato sauce and shortbread pieces!
Ricardo:
That wasn’t funny!
Russel:
It was the best!
Bob came back from the
bathroom with both hands intact.
Ryan: So what airline are you from?
Stewardess:
United airlines!
Ryan: Cool!
Rini was reprogramming her
TV to her preferences.
Ricardo:
Die scum! I will kill you!
Ricardo was on top of Russel
smothering him with a pillow.
Paul: Move Ricardo!
Ricardo rolled off Russel.
Paul: Argh!
Paul jumped off the bed and
landed on the floor next to Russel.
Bob: Plicky shmoo!
Ricardo:
You fool! You missed!
Ricardo then started to beat
Paul. Bob dragged Russel into their
room.
Stewardess:
How long have you been a pilot?
Ryan: A long time.
Stewardess:
Cool!
As Rini reached the next
chanel, she was shocked by the views of half naked women.
Rini: How terrible!
Ryan: So which airline do you work for?
2nd Stewardess:
United, same as Cindy.
Ryan: Cool.
Rini bursts through the
door.
Rini: Get out!
This behaviour is not allowed! You
are disg…
Rini looks to see that they
were playing cards.
Rini:
…Oh…excuse..me…
She turns and runs out the
door.
Ryan: Good thing she doesn’t know its strip
poker!
Lilly: So we are allowed to talk to guys
that we don’t know?
Sam: Yes!
Lilly: I don’t think I could do that! My parents wouldn’t like it.
I usually have my brother with me.
Sam: ?
Russel:
Bob and I would like to apologise for our joke!
However we are still keeping the tape!
Paul: OK.
I want to see Ricardo’s face!
He starts to laugh.
Ricardo:
I’m not the one who was screaming like a girl!
Paul: Shut up!
Russel:
Anyway, we would like to offer you a drink as a piece offering.
He carries a bag through to
their room. He tips it upside down.
Hundreds of little bottles pour out.
Ricardo:
?
Paul: I’ll have some gin for my
G&T.
Bob opened a bottle and
downed it’s contents.
Ricardo:
You fool! That was my new
cologne!
Bob opened another bottle
and downed it.
Ricardo:
?
Russel:
What do you want?
Ricardo:
I’ll have a brandy.
Russel:
Good choice. I’ll have a
rum.
Russel drank three bottles.
Paul: Let’s go downstairs.
Bob dfrank some more and
followed them.
Downstairs in the lobby Ryan
is talking to Rini. No one else is
around.
Ryan: So where are we going for dinner? There are three restaurants here.
Rini: I think we should go to the
one over there. It looks nice.
Ryan: Excuse me, what is the name of that
restaurant over there?
Usher: The ceremonial palace of the dragon’s nest with
the third green egg portrayed in an upside position with the brown stick
curled….
Ricardo:
Oh, hello. You changed your
mind?
The rest of the crew were
waiting for the lift.
Lilly: No.
We’re having a girls night in.
Russel:
Why don’t you come with us?
Sam: Leave us alone you
grotesque freak!
Russel looked hurt yet
again.
Paul (quietly to Russ):
You don’t learn do you?
Russel just looked hurt.
Usher: …when the stalk flew overhead with a rat
squealing in the owl’s beak as the shark attacks his seal brother…
Ryan’s mouth was open as
he stared at the usher
Usher: …when the octopus wrapped it’s tentacles around
the elephant princess…
Paul: There they are.
Paul waved to Ryan and Rini.
Usher: …and the human hand in it’s own soup.
Rini: That’s the name?
Usher: That’s the translation.
In Cantonese it’s Xiao Feng Tsu Lui.
Ryan just laughed
uncontrollably.
Rini: We are going to that
restaurant over there.
Sam: Thank goodness!
It’s not pink.
Usher: Would you like to know the name in English?
Ryan flies through the air,
ploughing into the usher.
Ryan: Run!
All of you!
They were all sitting at a
large table.
Waitress:
Herro! Can I shake your porder?
Paul: You can shake my porder any time!
Bob started to eat the salt
on the table.
Rini: Can we have a selection of
everything?
Waitress:
Ya! But of shores!
Ryan: Damn gook can’t even speak properly.
The waitress’s smile
disappeared.
Waitress:
Look! I don’t want to talk like that but that is what the
American people want! Cut me some
slack!
Russel:
Could I have some wine?
Waitress:
Smure! Fed or rite?
Russel:
White.
Waitress:
Ish zat it?
Lilly: Is this going to be spicy coz I
can’t eat spicy food as it burns and I start to cough and it hurts then I
don’t feel so well and I start to cry and then everyone sees that and it makes
me cry even more and then I have to go and hide…
Waitress (shouting):
NO! IT ISN”T SPICY! SHUT
UP!
Lilly starts to cry.
Samantier:
Lets go for a walk.
Waitress:
Anything else?
Paul: Can I have a bowl of spicy Lee
Lock Fat Hua soup?
Waitress:
Are you sure? I don’t
think anyone has ordered that here before.
Paul: Sure.
Ryan: So have we decided where we are going
yet?
Ricardo:
Bob knows this really good club. He
says it isn’t far. Also he can
get discounts on drinks there.
Rini: Why is that?
Russel:
Because he’s a spaz!
Bob smiles, then eats the
pepper.
Lilly and Sam return.
Lilly: What are you guys talking about.
Paul: All the fun we’re going to have
when you’re not…
Russel covers his mouth and
then quickly lets go as he didn’t want to touch Paul.
Rini: What time do we have to be
at the airport tomorrow?
Paul: I think it was 12:00 at the
latest.
Ryan: We’ll try for 11:00.
A tall and muscular looking
waiter arrives at the table. Lilly,
Sam and Rini stare with their mouths open.
Waiter:
This is the Trollop party?
Ryan: Yes.
The waiter starts to pour
the wine out for everyone.
Samantier (smiling):
Thank you so very much!
Lilly (whispering to Sam):
Leave him! He’s mine!
Sam: ?
Lilly: Thank you!
The waiter just continued
the penis pouring.
Sam: Do you recommend this wine?
Waiter:
I think it’s supposed to be very nice.
It’s European, from somewhere called Melbourne.
Lilly glared at Sam’s
talkativeness.
The waiter finished pouring
and left.
Sam: Wasn’t he cute?
I could just eat him up…Oooooow!
Sam looked at Lilly.
Lilly’s eyes turned dark.
Lilly (in a low, rumbling
voice):
He was mine!
Sam:
Eeeeeew! That’s scary.
Lilly placed her knife back
on the table and started reading the wine list.
Sam (To Ricardo):
Lilly is kind of weird, isn’t she?
Ricardo:
HAHAHAHAHA!
Sam: ?
Waiter:
Here is your soup, sir.
He hands the soup to Paul.
Waiter:
The rest of the courses should be around soon.
Sam (smiling):
THANK you! You are soooo
good to us!
Waiter (Smiling at Paul):
I try my best.
Nobody except Paul saw this
Paul: Did you see that?!?
Ryan: What?
Paul: That guy was smiling at me!
Rini: If he were smiling at
anyone, it would have been me!
Sam: Please!
He obviously likes m.. OUCH!
Lilly: I think he smiled at me.
All of the male crew except
Bob laughed.
Bob:
Bleeergh!
Russel:
What exactly are you doing to that soup?
Paul took out a small vile
from his pocket. He emptied the
container into the soup. It started
to smoke.
Rini: What was that?
Paul: A Thai concoction I picked up to
go with this soup.
He then took a sip of the
soup.
Ten minutes later the main
courses arrived.
Rini: Oh!
Hello again!
The waiter started to look
annoyed.
Waiter (smiling at Paul):
Was your soup satisfactory?
Paul: Tee hee hee!
Paul then got up an started
to chase an invisible rooster around the restaurant.
Paul: Charelle!
Charelle!
Russel:
As you can see, he has a thing for soups!
Ryan: I thought he was kidding about that.
Sam: What?
What was he kidding about?
Ricardo:
Nothing…
Rini: Tell us!
Russel:
It’s nothing. Don’t worry.
Sam (to Russel):
Tell us…
She strokes his face.
Russel (without pausing):
He is a member of Hallucinogenics Anonymous Group of London!
Sam removes her hand and
looks towards Paul. Russel looks
dejected.
Ricardo:
We should stop him! He might hurt someone.
Russel What are we going to do?
He looks like he’s insane!
Bob: Follow me
Bob reaches into his bag and
pulls out a broad-brimmed hat with one end bent up.
Rini: ?
Russel:
Let’s go!
Bob pulls out a small and
shiny metal object with a small barrel. He
places a feathered needle in it.
Samantier:
What do you…what are you…what the…?
Bob gets up and crawls
behind numerous Chinese plants.
Paul was running around and
had started to foam at the mouth.
Russel:
Look! We can make a run for
it! Over there towards the deserts
trolley!
Bob: No we can’t!
Russel:
Why not?
Bob: Because we’re being
hunted!…Over there, behind that bush…don’t worry…I’ve got her!
A small pot plant falls onto
Russel.
Russel:
Aaarg!
Sam: Sorry, I didn’t see it
there.
Bob: Run, run for the trolley.
Don’t look back.
Scary music plays:
Deedley deedley deedley! Boom boom boom boom!
Russel runs towards the
trolley, dives and makes it.
Sam: What about me?
Bob: You can’t go!
Sam: Why not?
Bob: Because we’re being
hunted! Over there behind that
bush…
Sam: You said that before!
Who is hunting us?
Bob: Look!
Sam looks and sees the head
waitress watching them.
Sam: What are you going to do?
Bob lifts up his gun and
fires the dart at the head waitress. She
falls to the ground.
Ryan: Now!
Ricardo lifts the
waitress’s legs while Ryan lifts her arms.
Ryan: Put her in this box.
They do.
Paul: Fluffy bunny!
Russel:
Aaaaargh! Get away from my
nipples!
Paul is trying to tweak
Russel’s nipples.
Paul: Icky flicky!
Phoot!
Paul collapses
on the floor.
Waiter:
Look, I’m sorry I have to do this, but...well…er…I’m going to
have to ask you to leave.
Rini: Why?
Samantier:
What have we done.
She smiles seductively.
Waiter (Looking annoyed):
You damaged restaurant property, tranquillised our head waitress and
scared the hell out of our patrons! That
little guy is carrying a tranquilliser gun!
GUN!
Rini (Smiling):
Are you sure you couldn’t make a teency weency little exception?
Waiter:
NO!
Russel:
By the way, we’re from Trollop Air and that’s Paul.
Waiter (smiling):
Thanks. I’ll remember
that.
Waiter leaves.
Rini: Why did you tell him that?
Samantier:
Yeah!
Ryan: He’s GAY!
Rini: Paul?
Yeah we know…
Ricardo:
No! The waiter!
Sam: I don’t believe you!
Rini: Don’t be so stupid.
Ryan: Where’s Lilly?
Sam: Haven’t seen her for
quite some time.
Bob: Do you want a sweety?
Rini: No!
Bob: Sweety!
Paul: Uuurgh!
What happened?
Ryan: We’re leaving because of your fit.
Paul turns red.