Trollop Air
Introduction & Episode 1
Cast Description:
Ricardo Penite
Steward who doesn’t care about passengers, economy class
Rini Pockskakievsma
Head hostess likes to be in control, first class
Lilly Jiunt
Highly weak hostess in business class who has trouble pushing the
trolleys and frequently gets lost
Paul Ponseson
Copilot with an addiction to odd hallucinogenic soups
Russel Shake
First class steward, drunkard, has an unhealthy obsession with dangerous
practical jokes
Captain Ryan Sheep
Pilot, likes to live life on the edge
Samantier Selmer
Hostess with weight problem, has trouble getting to be allowed on the
plane, economy class
Special Steward Bob
Bob has recently been employed by Trollop air due to continuous
anti-discrimination appeals. He is
rather heavily mentally handicapped and is usually given a simple menial task to
do.
Trollop Air is a reasonable
airline from a small, Eastern European country. It has been well established using the money from it’s
founder, Mr. Thomas Jackson, and has recently opened one of the busiest routes,
London to New York. This is the
story of the aircrew from this route.
Episode 1
Scene 1
In the Trollop Air staff
lounge, two hours before the first flight on the London to New York trip.
There are numerous people sitting in different uniforms around the room.
Paul: Well, Ryan, have you done this
route before? I mean flown that
distance.
Ryan: Yeah, I did it as a copilot a couple of
years ago, (In a low voice and smiling) lots of turbulence.
Paul (With a worried look on
his face):
OK… Do you know anybody here?
Ryan: I don’t think so, wait, I think
I’ve seen the head hostess before. She
looks pushy.
Ryan then let out a brief
laugh and seemed to fall asleep.
Paul: ???
Russel (Slightly slurred):
Hi! What’s your name?
I’m Russ, Russ Shake. You
know, as in shaken, not stirred…. Actually I don’t really care…
Rini: Shut up!
Go drink some coffee! Smarten
yourself up!
Russel just gave her a blank
expression and passed out on her shoulder.
Rini (With a look of
horror):
Eeeewww! Someone help me!
Samantier:
Who is that woman?
Ricardo:
The big cheese! Who cares, she looks like a battle axe!
A muffled sound from under
their seats.
Samantier:
What was that? It sounded
like it was coming from below the seats!
Ricardo:
It was probably a rat! This
is a hellhole! I think I may have
the plague…
Samantier tried to look
under the seat as Ricardo kept on talking.
She could not reach that far.
Russel:
Hell-llo!
Ryan was shocked as he had
not noticed Russel sit next to him.
Ryan: Argh!
You shocked me!
Russel:
Look at that woman! She is the definition of beauty!
What I wouldn’t give!
Ryan: She is built like a whale!
She can’t even reach her feet!
Russel just stared at
Samantier.
Paul approached Samantier.
Paul: What are you trying to do?
Samantier:
I heard something under this chair.
Paul: I’ll try to see what it is.
Paul looked under the seat.
He then reached under and pulled out a small woman.
Lilly: Thank you.
I fell over and got caught under the seat.
Paul:
OK…What are you doing here? Where are your parents?
Lilly: I’m one of the new business
class stewards.
Paul:
?…Sorry…
He then got up very quickly
and headed over to Russel.
Russel (Calmly whispering
with wide scary eyes):
There is a bomb in the ceiling above us…
Paul: Eeeeek!
Oh my God!
Russel (smiling):
Just kidding!
Paul: …You’re weird!…
Russel just laughed.
The crew has boarded the
plane and is preparing to start welcoming the passengers.
Ryan and Paul are in the cockpit briefing Rini on the flight.
Lilly has not been seen for quite some time.
Russel is quietly reading a magazine.
Samantier is trying to get into the kitchen area through the small door.
Ricardo is sitting and muttering to himself.
Ryan: So it can get quite bumpy with the
turbulence. (to himself) Ha! Ha! (To Rini) So
I might have to give you the warning on short notice.
Rini: Don’t worry!
I can cope!
Paul: We should get by alright.
Paul was thinking about the
time. Was there enough time?
Paul: How long till we let the victims
on?
Rini: I disapprove of your choice
of vocabulary!
Paul:
…Sorry…
Rini looked at her watch.
Rini: Three minutes, forty seven
seconds.
Ryan suddenly started to
laugh.
Rini: Stand at your posts!
Ready…Attention!
Disgruntled looks at Rini.
Rini: Here they come!
The first class passengers
started to arrive on board. They
were mainly grumpy looking grey haired men and young blond women.
Rini:
Hello!…Hello!…Welcome!…Hello!…
Russel:
Howdy!…
Rini shot him an evil look.
Russel stood up straight.
Russel:
…Hello!…Welcome…
After the business class
passengers boarded, the staff greeted the economy class passengers.
Ricardo (Un-amused):
…Hello…Hello…Hello…Hello…Goodbye, just kidding, Hello…
Samantier:
Hello…Hello!…Hello!…HELLO!!!!!
The last hello was at an
athletic looking man who turned and laughed at her.
Samantier just looked
rejected.
Bob:
Aaaaarrrrr! Aaaallo!
He then proceeded to excrete
saliva onto a passing child.
Child: Aaaarg! (Crying)
As the passengers placed
their luggage in the overhead compartments, one man realised his would not open.
Man: Excuse me!
Could you give me a hand?
Ricardo:
No!
Ricardo then walked away.
Man: ???
Russel:
I’ll help.
Man: Thanks.
Russel (Seriously):
You know we like to keep bodies in these.
Those ones who are going overseas to be buried.
Man: You what?
Russel hit the compartment
hard with his fist. It opened and
Lilly fell out on to the floor.
Man:
Aaaaaaargh! A body!
Lilly: Sorry!
I don’t know how I got in there. I
think I was checking for left over luggage.
Russel just laughed.
All the passengers are
sitting in their seats waiting for takeoff.
The intercom crackles and then comes to life.
Ryan: This is your pilot, Pilot Sheep,
speaking. We are just about ready
for commencing takeoff.
At the name “Sheep” a
sound of shock past through the aeroplane.
Was it a joke?
Ryan: Please watch the routine safety
demonstration and enjoy your flight.
Recorded message:
…You place the life jacket over your head and secure the jacket with
the straps…
Samantier embarrassingly
could not fit into her life jacket and Bob just fell over trying to put it on
his head.
Paul: Crew to takeoff positions.
The crew took their
positions. Samantier had to take
two seats. Russel downed a swig of
some amber liquid. Lilly strapped
herself into a cot as she wouldn’t fit in the chair.
The engines rumbled and the plane was projected forward at a great speed.
Bob fell over and landed on his face.
He just stayed there.
Rini: Would you like a
refreshment?
First class passenger:
Yes please. What is there?
Rini:
Champagne, wine, both red and white.
We also have croissants or shrimps.
First class passenger:
I wouldn’t mind some white and a shrimp.
Bob: Can I give…give…
Bob takes out a piece of
paper, reads and says,
Bob: Give you a refremshnent?
Bus. class passenger:
What do you have?
Bob: This and this!
Bob holds up a bottle of
wine and a platter of cheeses.
Bus. class passenger:
I won’t have anything now.
Bob hands her a piece of
cheese and moves on.
Econ. class passenger:
Can I get something?
Ricardo:
Do I look like I’m your slave?
Econ. class passenger:
Isn’t that your job.
Just then a scream could be
heard from the front of the plane. A
trolley hurtled down the aisle.
Samantier:
Do you want a beer?
Econ. class passenger:
Sure! What was that?
Samantier:
I don’t know.
She bent over to get a beer
from a shelf in her trolley. She
got stuck and could not get up.
Samantier:
Could you give me a hand…I’m stuck.
At the back of the plane the
trolley had stopped.
Passenger in toilet:
Could someone help? I’m
stuck in here!
At the stewards station.
Rini: Are you all right?
Russ: Sure, why?
Rini: You look a bit weird.
Russ just laughed.
“Bing, bing, bing.”
Rini: That’s in business class!
Isn’t anyone going to get it?
Russ: I’ll go.
Russ: Can I help you?
Passenger:
Can you not see this thing on me?
Russ: What you do in your own time is not my
business.
A slumped Bob was covering
the thin man.
Passenger:
Just get it off me!
Russ lifted Bob up just as
Rini arrived.
Rini: Is there a problem here?
Passenger:
Just that retard collapsed on me!
Russ glared and lurched
towards the passenger.
Russ: Who are you calling a retard!
Rini restrained him.
As Russ had let go of Bob, Bob fell over backwards onto the floor.
Rini: I would ask you to refrain
from that language while on board this flight.
Passenger:
Yeah, whatever.
Rini: And you can come with me!
Russ: Yes Miss Pockskakievsma.
Bob stood up and walked
away.
Ricardo:
What do you want?
Passenger in toilet:
I’ve been in here for the last two hours!
Ricardo:
What do you want me to do then?
Passenger in toilet:
Get me out!
Ricardo:
OK.
As Ricardo started to move
the trolley, a sound like a mouse squeaking came from inside.
He pulled out a tray.
Ricardo:
How on EARTH did you get in there?
Lilly: I fell in!
Ricardo:
I don’t believe you!
Ryan: Turn the lights off, will you.
Paul: Sure.
He flicked the switch.
Ryan: Can you take over for a bit?
I want some rest.
Paul: No worries.
Ryan headed for the captains
sleeping rack. As he lay down a
horrible figure appeared from under his sheets. Lightning struck outside.
Ryan:
Aaaaargh!
Bob:
Memememememem!
Ryan: What the….?
Bob: Gibbley dibbley shmoo!
Ryan: Are you all right?
Bob stated in a posh English
accent.
Bob:
Perfectly! Carry on, old
man!
Ryan: ?
Samantier:
Could any one help me? I’m
stuck here.
She was half in and half out
of the kitchen door.
Ricardo:
What’s wrong?
Samantier:
I’m stuck!
Ricardo:
I’m very sorry!
He then walked away.