| MUNCHY MUNCHY STATISTICS SHOW that almost everyone in Britain has, at one time or another, eaten their best friend, and almost always with chips and brown sauce. We asked two people in the street what they thought� �I think the figures they�ve told us are preposterous�. But yes, I have eaten my best friend�with chips and brown sauce, yes.� Thomas Bumbum �I�ve never eaten anyone, but my best friend did try to eat me once. I woke up in the middle of the night covered in chips and brown sauce and there she was nibbling away at my liver.� Louisa Mantovani So there you have it � It�s true. All true. Lawd have mercy on our worthless souls. BISCUIT BANKING Biscuits, not Euros are to replace the current currency of Great Britain (that�s the pound by the way, for all you poor people). The change of direction happened when the PM, Mr Blair, leapt on top of a desk in the House of Commons and shouted, �You know � I really love biscuits!� Such was his enthusiasm that everyone cheered a great cheer and ran over to hug him. Tears of joy ran down his face as he proclaimed, �Yes � and Chocolate Hob-Nobs are my favourite!� It was one of those rare moments when everyone was united by a common love � the love of biscuits. At that moment too, a lady backbencher, overcome with emotion, gave birth to what turned out to be the loveliest baby ever born. She gave no hesitation before christening it Biscuitface, and everyone lit a big fire and danced and sang and ate biscuits and wafers and crisps until they all fell asleep in each other�s arms. The PM was the last to drift off, singing to the others soothingly and playing his acoustic guitar. That night, the gentle melody of his beautiful lullaby brought crowds of people to the doors of the House of Commons where they stood, holding candles, �til the dawn. |
| The Town Cryer |
| News to Make You Weep |