| DOCTOR PASTRY'S PAGE OF CERTAIN WISDOM. |
| WHY YOU SHOULD KILL : Reason Two : Revenge. |
| HOROSCOPES ARIES - You will be killed by a Taurus GEMINI - You will be killed by a Taurus LEO - You will be shot in the legs and then killed by a Taurus LIBRA - You will be killed by a Taurus SCORPIO - You will be killed by a Taurus SAGGITARIUS - You will be killed by a walrus VIRGO - You will be diced in the crossfire as the others fight for their lives against the crazed Taurus. CAPRICORN -You will be forced into a game of strip-poker with a goat. You lose. AQUARIUS - You were killed by a Taurus last month. TAURUS - You will be leaving home for a while. |
BLANK (HONESTLY) |
| COMPETITION TIME :This week, you tell us what is wrong with the following sentence : "h" And we'll hit you. |
| ASK ELVIS - PROBLEMS SOLVED! Dear Elvis, as I write this, I am in the midst of some domestic unpleasantness. My wife has flown into a rage and says she's going to kill me. At the moment, she's rummaging around in a drawer and...yes, she's found a gun. Help me. Yours sincerely, Arthur Wobble-wobble. ELVIS SAYS : Well, Bill. Looks like you're going to need some good advice here. Call her a bitch. |
| WHY YOU SHOULD KILL : Reason Three - You stand to make a sizeable profit |
| READERS' LETTERS : Mr Ape writes : "Mmm, Chiquita banana." Mr Benjamin writes : "That ape's days are numbered, you mark my words." Mr Livingroom writes : "Fuck you all!" |
RECIPE OF THE WEEK : CAKE Mmm, cake. Cake tastes nice. Here's how to make a cake : STEP ONE : Burn your kitchen to show how little you care for materialism. The Gods will be pleased. STEP TWO : Crack an egg over your head and commit Hara Kiri in the kitchen sink. |
| WEATHER: I'm afraid that we're all going to die due to freak weather conditions. Say goodbye to your friends and family. And if you have time, spare a thought for the lonely old weatherman who's never had it off. |