"Firstly, I hate the fact that so many games mags - by the necessity of survival, admittedly - are too spineless to say what they want to say.

"Actually, it's more a complaint over the heavy-handed, games-out-of-the-pram fashion in which certain games firms think the relationship between critics and product should work. Scumflaps."

Page 2
"Online gaming? Hate it. Hate the way the majority of the saps on there behave. Hate the whole process of getting online. Hate playing online.

"Plus, I hate guff-junkies who continue to insist that online gaming is the future of the gaming industry, when it's clearly apparent the mass market couldn't give a fist of figs for it.

"Stop investing in it, idiots. Even the majority of Xbox Live users will only use it to download new levels."

Page 3
"Oh, how I hate the console zealots; the blinkered immature saps who can't see beyond a brand name.

"Let's face it, regardless of what games machine you've got, you're being ripped of by both the manufacturer, and the software companies who support the format.

"These people deserve your scorn, not your loyalty. You think your machine is the best one ever? You're wrong, and you're stupid. They're all the same."

Page 4
"I hate the way the industry is structured so the smaller, more innovative companies are forced to go under, or sell out, while the bigger firms churn out endless heavily-hyped dog mess.

"It sickens me to my tubes that people with a real passion for making games are sidelined by corporate robots who are programmed only to make money.

"For that reason, licensed games should be outlawed. The major companies would need the industry's real artists."

Page 5
"I hate the games industry's obsession with statistics, and figures, and numbers. So what if such and such has 1.435Mb of something? So what if console Y sold 456,053 what ever last year? SO WHAT? It's very, very boring.

"If you're a gamer, just play the games you want to pay and don't worry about it. If you're a games company, just shut-up with your numbers, or I'll pierce your uvula with a heated fork.

"It just isn't important, idiots."

Page 6
"Look, for all that bile on the preceding pages, this pig has come to realise something of late; there's not all that much left to hate in the games industry any more. Or, at least, very little left to hate that I haven't ranted on about dozens of times before.

"Maybe I'm getting soft around the teats in my old age, but this pig is all but out of bile. We, the gamers, have never had it so good.

"There's just one thing left to do..."

Page 7
"This pig wouldn't feel as if she's done her job without putting a few noses out of joint, and lighting the touch paper on a couple of libel cases with one made-up fact, before she leaves.

"So, what do Peter Molyneux, Ian Livingstone, Jon Romero and Nolan Bushnell all have in common.

"That's right: they're all members of a sinister cabal established to encourage amoral relationships between human males and drakes. Goodbye, idiots!"