When's the last time you've seen inside of a mimes mouth.
Down in Antarctica, there is a place known as New Schwabenland. Here there was once a great civilization, as well as a great war. Now you've probably never heard of a place called New Schwabenland, but if you have, good for you. My guess is that the French found the place. Doesn't that sound like something some medieval French people would do. Run around with their pointless metal helmets founding places that are desert wastelands and have no practical purposes what so ever, and then simply forget that they did so. Well, this may not be true, but if it was, would you be surprised?
You may not know it, but New Schwabenland actually has a strong history of African Orangutans with British accents, but that comes later on in the story, well, not really.
This story is about those great civilizations and the great war that took place on New Schwabenland, and it all takes place on a cold stormy winter day.
�Could you pass me the ice tea Verne, it sure is hot out today.�
�You mean water?�
�Yeah, whatever.�
Meanwhile, far far away from Minnesota.
� Buuurrrrrrrr� said a random actor to indicate a cold, stormy, winter day.
� � ( The king, the king is dead! ) said the mime jester, he continued, � � ( He was in his throne when he just started making all of these SOUNDS! And then he just sort of keeled over! What has happened? )
Little do the mimes know that the king was lying about his age, and his expiration date was actually the 11th of February and not the 17th. With the king dead they must dub another one quickly for without one they are defenseless. The mime named Richard quickly stepped in to explain what has happened and takes command.
� � ( Today is the mime kings expiration date. )
Audience : � � ( Huuhhhhh )
� � ( We must dub a new king at once, and I, Richard announce my candidacy )
� � ( There is no time for an election, anyone that objects to Richard being the king speak now. )
� � ( Then bow down to leader, I , Richard��..Nixon!!!
That same day one of the people from a village had sneaked over to the third forest of the mimes as a spy.
�Popeye ! Popeye ! The mime king is dead, and that one mime named Richard doesn�t remember if the dubbed a new mime king.� said Bob Villa to Popeye.
� How do you know that Richard wasn�t lying and the mimes haven�t already dubbed a new king?�
� He told me he wasn�t lying.�
� Well then I suppose he wasn�t lying now was he.�
Then Popeye gave the order to siege war on the mimes:
� Men, disband all of the Ketchup Factory workers� and suit them for war.�
Note: you may be wondering how the village people found out that the mime king is dead, seeing that mimes don�t exactly strike up conversations and all, but lets not worry about that right now, besides, thinking causes stress, and stress causes anger, and anger is a bad thing �
That following Sunday at the annual chess meet between the Dodos and the �Village People��
� Ahh, the Danish opening, I see the Bob Villa has taught you well � said the Dodo.
� Yes, I learned how to do this in Vietnam.�
� Well, � started the Dodo, � How have you been these last cou-� �WHACK!�
� Looks like I win again����� � Cue � ���.� oh, yeah�..opponent!�
Dodo: � The�.mime�.king��is���
Village Person: � Hey, that�s my line!� �BAM�
Other Dodo: �You kil-seriously hurt my friend!� �BAM�
Village Person: � The�mime�..king�.is�..dead.�
�
That exact same night, the Dodos had met with the Gnomes for their daily game of Twister. When they were done playing after about four hours later, one of the Dodos had just noted how he had seen a person from the village fall over. The gnomes, being ultimately paranoid, had instantly wanted to know more. After the discussion had went on for quite some while, one of the Dodos had noted what the person had said. When the Gnomes had found out that the mime king is dead, they sent over scouts to the third forest at once.
Note: Why the third forest, and not just a forest, or, the forest you may be asking? Well, no reason in particular.
As the two gnomes were talking on the way to the third forest they could see the gate keeper in sight.
Note: The gate keeper, Peter Piper, protects invaders between the third forest and North Dakota. The gate is not actually a gate, but a bridge. This bridge goes over the Misisipi river. Peter Piper actually had previously worked at the NYSE ( New York Stock Exchange ) before his prized toothpaste stocks had plummeted, but now is forced to work the government job as gatekeeper.
�Morning Peter.� said on of the gnome scouts.
�Are you crazy, it�s 4:00 in the afternoon.�
�I�m sorry, I forgot to use my Russian accent.�
�Well are you ready for your riddle?�
�What! You never used to have us answer a riddle to cross the bridge.�
�Don�t sweat it, it�s an easy one, besides it builds character.�
�All right.�
�O.K., here it is, pick a number between 1 and 400,000.�
�Three.�
�Close enough, it was four.�
While the two gnomes were crossing the Misisipi river, they saw many things floating down the river, dead fish, live moose, thirty year old Christmas lights, just the typical kind of stuff that you find floating down a river. As the two went on they could see the forests edge. At the end of the bridge there was a speaker phone built into the red nose of a porcelain clown. It looked like something you would find in a dump after some cheap fast food place trashed it.
�Who goes there.� The red nose beckoned.
�Mary Poppins, is that you?� said one of the gnomes.
� No�No�I am not Mary Poppins�..she�s�..on vacation. Yeah, that�s it, she�s on vacation.�
� Are you sure?�
�Yes�I mean no! � wait, yes. I am not Mary Poppins!�
� Do we have permission to enter your forest?�
� Only if you can answer this riddle.�
� Mary, Peter had already given us the riddle, your reading the wrong part of the script.�
� O.K., lets se here�..christmas lights��.clown nose��.ah yes. State your business.�
� We�re here to see the mime king.�
� Umm�.. He doesn�t wish to be disturbed.�
�Is there even a mime king right now!�
� What! How did you know - I mean, where would you get that idea!�
� The dodo was right!� said one of the gnomes.
� The mime king is dead!�
� I can�t believe I blew it again.�
�
As the two scouts had entered the forest, they had encountered a number of things which had appeared to be traps. Well, not actually traps, but alarms, giving the mimes just enough time to go hide in the bushes. Then the smaller of the two gnomes had stepped on something causing bells to ring. Instantly you could hear yelping and rustling in the leaves. They continued to explore the third forest, but all of the mimes had hidden. Except for one. This mime was hiding in a corner with a bucket over his head. One of the gnomes had tapped it on its shoulder, the mime had instantly jumped up and ran around in a couple of circles until it ran under a branch and knocked himself out cold. About seventy-eight seconds later, the mime had regained consciousness. �What happened?� the mime asked.
�Gasp.� said one of the gnome scouts.
� He�s lost his voice.�
� Where are you?�
� Aren�t you supposed to ask where you are?�
� Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot�.Where am I?�
�Here.�
� CHARGE!�
� The village people are invading your forest, quickly, we must escape.� said a gnome scout.
� Yes, two sugar cubes please.� replied the mime.
� Hurry up!�
�
About half an hour later, the third forest was scorched by disgruntled ketchup factory workers. Now there was nothing left but a burnt wasteland.
Later on, with the mime and his lost voice, the gnomes had questioned him after his safe return.
� What is your name?� said one of the gnomes questioning the mime.
� Charles.�
� Where are all of the mimes.�
Charles started with confidence, �Well, our plan was that if incase of any emergency we would all fly to safety.�
�But mimes can�t fly.�
� No�.but�.. they�. Wow, I guess plan A wasn�t completely worked out.�
� Well did you have a plan B?�
� Plan B was to live in the Misisipi until the dust blows over.�
� Plan C?�
� Nope.�
� Wait just one minute Charles.�
The two questioners went in the corner to talk.
� I never knew these mimes were so stupid!�
� No kidding, how have they managed to survive for so long.�
� We can pretty much assume that all the other mimes are dead.�
�
Note: This is were the Dingo and Lobsters come in. But be careful, these elephants-I mean Lobsters are not what they seem.
� � ( Help us ) the mime whimpered.
� What are you doing here?� a Dingo asked.
� � ( The village people had burnt our forest and we managed to reach your home of northern New Hampshire by hitch hiking)
� But you can't hitch hike over water.� said one of the Dingo.
� � ( Of course not, everybody knows you can't hitch hike over water)
� Then how'd you get here.�
� � ( Hitch hiking )
Editors note: hitch�hike \'hich-h�ke\ vi : to travel by assistance 2: To travel with vehicle other than own. 3: to obtain a passing vehicle. 4: to get terribly lost and end up in place of unknown origin.
�We had better gather together all of the mimes and bring them to a secure area.� said one of the Dingo.
Moments later:
�Sir, there are only eight mimes.�
�What is the means of this?� asked Dingo chairman Officer Bill.
� � ( The mime king is dead. )
CRASH
Mary Poppins barges into the room.
�Yes, that�s right, the mime king is dead!�
� We know, one of the mimes just told us.�
� Oh�Sorry.�
� It's been a hard day.� says Mary Poppins to a rock at one of the local pubs.
Note: when referring to the word �rock� , I am referring to the hard stone object you can find on the ground.
� What went wrong?� the rock replies.
� Well I told the gnomes the mime king was dead, and made a fool out of myself in front of the Dingo.�
� What! The mime king is dead!� said the bar tender like rock.
� No!!! No!!! He isn't dead!!! I was just making it up!!! I -�
� Everyone! The mime king is dead!� says the rock
� Stupid!.. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!�
� How could this day get any worse than it alrea-�
CLANG ( heavy inanimate object falling at rapid speed )
�
Now all of New Schwabenland knows that the mime king is dead. But the thing is, he isn't! With the Village People already at war, there are still the allied gnomes and Dodos, as well as the Dingo with the mimes, and the rocks who just found out. Don�t forget about Mary Poppins and Peter Piper.
�
With the rocks left with the knowledge of the mime king, they also prepare for war and break their treaty with the Dingo to avoid any conflict. Obviously these rocks don't fight with themselves as rocks, but themselves, as lobsters. You see a very long time ago, the lobsters had so unusually lived underwater in the misisipi. They were so lonely and annoyed by their separation from everything else living, that on night, the lobsters had invaded the civilization of the pet rocks. The cleverly used their outer bodies as disguises and have been disguised ever since. With this sense of freedom they have developed a quench for ultimate power of the land. And with the mime king dead, it is expected to cause havoc, and the plan is to have the lobsters, or, pet rocks invade the rest of the known world.
Meanwhile, the Mimes are talking with the Dingo in attempt to create a treaty, after hours of consulting, a decision is made.
�Well mimes,� begins dingo chairman Officer Bill.
�With the knowledge that we are obviously the only left people to turn to, we�ve come upon an agreement. We secure you to the best of our abilities, and in return, you give us the golden teeth.�
� � (What golden teeth!?)
� You know perfectly well what golden teeth we�re talking about.�
� � (Sigh��It�s a deal)
� Men, secure these mimes in the Rubix cube storage area.�
�Yes sir.�
Note: The golden teeth are the prized artifact that has been owned by the mimes for all of time. The misfortune it has brought them is considered to be prized.
�
�I Bobbinfobbin of the gnomes, request assistance in a war against the mimes.� Bobbinfobbin directed to Gilmore, king of the dodos.
� War! You never told me of a war.�
� We had decided upon it this morning over poached eggs�
Note: literally
�Why?�
� Because everyone in the entire kingdom of North Dakota including your own people have been wanting to slaughter the mimes, and with their king dead, and their forest burnt down, there hasn�t been a better time to attack.�
� So be it. We shall assist in your attack under one condition.�
� And what would that be?�
� That you give us all new alarm clocks and teach us how to play bridge.�
�Done.�
�
�Lobsters!!! Hear me speak!!! The mime king is dead.�
APPLAUSE
�Now is the time to strike!!!�
APPLAUSE
� Today is the first day we begin to conquer the world.�
APPLAUSE
� Prepare for war, we shall dominate the rest of the known world!!!�
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
That evening Peter Piper had sneaked his way into northern New Hampshire. He had talked to the Lobster who was in charge of the invasion. It had been arranged that Peter Piper would distract the gnomes and dodos by telling them that we�re attacking them, when we�re really invading the mimes.
Once Peter Piper had done so he radioed back to the lobster and they began their invasion. They had crossed the misisipi river by catapults. And come back by boats that in the meantime will be sent over. Moments later�
�What�s happened?�
�Where is the forest?�
� We burned it down.� said a village person.
� Well were did they go?�
� We�Um�.Well we don�t exactly know.�
�You fool.�
�Let me consult with the rest of my people� said one of the Lobsters.
� We should destroy the village people right now while we have the chance to retreat back to South Dakota.�
�YEEEAAAHHHHH!!!� they all replied in excitement.
One of the lobsters went back to continue to talk to the village people.
�Hey, you. Do you really want to know where the mimes went� said the lobster
�Yeah, did you see where they went?�
�Yes, they went to China.�
�China? Where�s China?�
� You see, China is on the other side of the world. To get there, you can simply dig a hole and end up on the other side of the world.�
� Really! It�s that easy! Come on guys start diggin�.� said the obviously not so intelligent village person.
Hours later, the gnomes had arrived, ready and prepared for war.
�You, one of the lobster folk� said the leader
The lobster was enraged.
� Me!�
�Yeah you, were are the mimes.�
� Arrrgghhh�.oh wait a minute�..Um� their in China�
� Yes�I know of that place�.could you direct me to where it is�I um�forgot.�
� Down in the hole, with the village people. Dig to the other side of the world and you�ll be in china.�
After all of village people, gnomes, and all of the dodos that were there were in the hole, the lobster went back to consult with the others.
� Wow! That was amazing! How did you pull it of? And where is China?�
� Oh, that�s just some silly non-sense place I made up. Now, let us go to question the remaining dodos.�
As they were passing the huge hole that was dug:
�Um�could you help me up?� said one of the village people down in the deep hole they dug themselves into.
� Dig your self out� said one of the lobsters
� Thanks! That�s a great idea!�
The lobsters had brought the boats around and loaded up the rest of the lobsters. Soon they had reached shore, only to be greeted by Gilmore himself, the king of the dodos.
�I demand to see the mimes.� The commanding lobster said.
�No, I demand to see the mimes.� He replied
� Well, if you don�t have the mimes, I suppose the only people left to have them would to be the Dingo.�
NOTE: The Dingo were once part of the dodos but were banned from society from segregation and both communities have been waiting to strike for quite some while.
�Shall you need help in destroying the Dingo?� asked Gilmore to the Lobsters
�If you wish, were all in this together�right?�
The lobsters had shared their boats with the dodos as they go to invade the Dingo. After quite some while they arrive on the foreign shores. When everybody is unloading, the lobster commander signaled to stay in the boats. When all of the dodos were off, they backed away from the beach a bit. On the way there, the dodos had individually gotten enraged by the Dingo with the large amount of time to think.
� What are you doing commander?! We have to fight!�
� Oh no we don�t. I figure by the time those two are done fighting, we�ll finish of the last of the few of them.�
�Ohhhhh, clever.�
Hours later, the lobsters had landed their boats on shore to see what was left. They were gone all of them were simply gone. Then the lobsters could hear wheels in the background. Out from behind some barren buildings came eight mimes with meat hooks, all rolling cages full of the Dingo and dodos. In the front was the king, Richard Nixon, with his own cage carrying Mary Poppins.
� Why can�t you understand!!! If all you did was play Yahtzee, you would all get along!� Mary Poppins shouted out.
The representing lobster went forward to talk with the king.
� On behalf of the lobster civilization as a whole, we apologize. We are sorry we were not here sooner to save you. Let us share our boats and go back to your once been home to rebuild our future.�
The mime king was quite confused, but had followed the lobsters.
When they were all back on the island, the first thing that was done was that when the mimes found the hole, they dumped there prisoners into it. After this was finished at on end of the island, the lobsters at the other end had begun their attack.
� CHAARRGE�
The lobsters were shouting as loud as they could. The only thing between them and world domination were the simple minded mimes who could be easily overtaken, and they were right there in front of them. As the mimes retreated, they quickly waded into the water, although they could not swim, they had no where else to go. Just as the lobsters were about to collide against the mimes, a voice beckoned.
� DALLAS POLICE DEPARTMENT, STOP WERE YOU ARE, I REPEAT, STOP WERE YOU ARE, THIS IS A BUST.�
�RUN!!!� said one of the lobsters
As this was said the Lobsters had scattered. The mimes following their actions, being they have nothing better to go upon. Out of the darkness came dozens of men in bullet proof vests, wearing masks, and carrying their nightsticks. It was chaos. Mimes flopping in the water for their life with police piling on top of them as they fight for a breath at the same time. Lobsters were everywhere. On land, in water, on the mimes, on the police. They were running for their lives and battling of the police in the scurry. These lobsters were using their one and only means of defense as well. Snapping left and right in the darkness. The worst thing of all was the hole that was dug. The cops that fell in packed a punch, and any lobster that would somehow enter this hole, would panic in the darkness. You could hear the village people yelping:
�Hey�Hey...Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey�
When it was all over, they were arrested, and taken to a place called �The United States�, which to everybody seemed to be some fantasy nonsense dreamland.
After five years in prison, they were available for bail. They were then all bailed out by a man who to the Dallas Police Department was an anonymous man using the cover up name of Peter Piper.
After this they had all started new lives:
Peter Piper changed his name and founded a company known as Microsoft, and pursued his dream in the stock market.
The Dodos and the Dingo had reunited to become an organization known as the Republicans.
The Lobsters had discovered coffee, and opened their own business branch known as Starbucks Coffee.
The Gnomes were promised government jobs as being architects and created the well known lawn gnome.
Mary Poppins had gotten the popularity she always wanted and became an actress for American films.
The Village People found their hidden talent of singing and founded the YMCA (Yodeling Mariachi Club of America).
Note:
Vichyssoise : a thick creamy potato soup, flavored with leeks or onions, usually served cold.