This is What a Retirement Post Looks Like
Late February 2006
Dr. Abortion, the NGPW commish (really), is walking through the hallways celebrating his last card victory (really). One thing you should note about him is that he is not delusional at all.
Dr. A: Hrm, well I better head back to the NGPW Infirmary to check up on things. I totally, absolutely am not avoiding going back to the commissioner’s office since I got kicked out of it or am not actually the commissioner. Anyone who spreads rumors of such is a filthy liar who ought to have their juevos cut off and fed to them.
And so he enters the medical center and notices the place smells a little funny.
Homeless J’s Body: *flies flying about it*
Dr. A: OH NO! Homeless J my inactive friend! What has become of you?!
Nurse Miscarriage / Anita Bath: He’s been like that for a while! Say Dr. A – you promised to make me your valet. Why don’t you ever use me?
Dr. A: Because you’re a dirty coke whore.
Nurse Miscarriage: Hrm. Well I suppose that’s a good idea.
Elisha Cuthbert: Ugh, I hate that chick. Let’s avoid her at all costs, my lover.
Dr. A: I agree.
Nurse Miscarriage: Who are you talking to?
Dr. Abortion then punches her in the face, because women talking back to men is totally unappreciated. The Japanese fans watching at home go into a furious uproar – OF EXCITEMENT! What a totally face move by Dr. Abortion! Dr. Abortion is the greatest Japanese face of all time. You see, Japan is a society where women and sexual objects. Japanese jail time for rape are usually 2-5 years. In other societies it is viewed akin to murder, in fact in the US it was still punishable by death in some states up until the later part of the 20th century. And it’s a society that craves and openly promotes sexual intercourse with minors. Isn’t Japan great?
Dr. A: Hrm… there seem to be piles and piles of money laying around here.
Elisha Cuthbert: I know! It’s Homeless J’s fortunes that he stole from Barrister! Remember at once you were going to have a plotline in regards to that money before you got lazy and forgot about it because you’re completely insane and have no clue what you’re doing?
Dr. A: Why yes, yes I do, The Girl Next Door. Hrm… if only me finding tons of money would somehow play into my current overriding plotline for this particular comeback which has now lasted 4 months.
Dr. A’s First Post Back, November 2005…Dr. A: …and that’s when I showed up in the UWF in order to make money so that I could pay off all my lawsuits and bankruptcy. I clearly don’t care about wrestling at all – hence why I never do it. I came back solely for money and to win the BRB. Not pride of a belief that I still had what it takes to play this game. But, you know, let’s just go with the money thing and pretend like the BRB thing never happened. *shifty eyes*A few days ago…
Dr. Abortion: Say what now?
Accountant: You heard me! You’re going to have to file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.
Dr. Abortion: Where did all my money go? DID YOU SWINDLE IT?
Accountant: I assume you spent it all on drugs and whores.
Dr. Abortion: PLEASE… I’ve been off of drugs for some time now, don’t insult my decent reputation.
Accountant: And let’s not forget the literally HUNDREDS of lawsuits that have been filed against you in your life.
Dr. Abortion: This is such crap, man. What’s going to happen to all my stuff?
Accountant: All of your assets are to be taken by the people you are in debt to. And you’ll have to generate a source of income to pay a certain percentage of the debt back.
Dr. Abortion: WHAT? You mean I have to get a job? Ugh, that’s totally queer.
Dr. A starts gathering up the piles of money and throws them in his wheelbarrow. By the way, Dr. Abortion is followed at all times by a wheelbarrow. He has throughout his entire career since October 20, 1999 back in CSlam’s iUIWA. I’ve just never mentioned it before because it really wasn’t relevant.
Dr. A: Why, with Homeless J’s stolen fortunes being re-stolen, I can pay off all my debts and finally retire once again and live the good life of not wrassling!
Elisha Cuthbert: Yes, let’s do that Dr. Abortion! Let’s get a house in the country where you can constantly have sex with me despite my somewhat unappealing cleft chin that is the only bad part of my entire hot ass body.
Dr. A: Indeed.
And that’s exactly what Dr. Abortion would do. He’d take all of the money and pay off his debts, settle the lawsuits in the courts against him, and use the remaining money to live it up in style with Elisha Cuthbert constantly giving him what I like to call “the BJs.” He would totally do this, if Batman didn’t show up.
*WHAM*SMASH*POW*
Dr. A: AGH! Batman!
Batman: You’re coming back to Arkham Asylum, Dr. Abortion!
Dr. A: You’ll never take me alive!
Batman: Fair enough. *pulls out gun*
Dr. A: Hrm. Perhaps you SHALL take me alive.
And so Batman escorts Dr. Abortion off to Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. As I think I have established well in my fueds with the Phenom – the DC Universe is obviously the only real one.
Dr. A: Curses! I’m sure now I’ll be locked up for the rest of my life, with no chance of escape! For if Arkham Asylum is famed for one thing – it is the fact that it is totally impenetrable and no one has ever broken out of it. Ever.
Batman: So true, Dr. Abortion. I think you’ll be safest under the watch of Dr. Harleen Quinzel, their noted psychologist with an obviously totally believable name. If there is anyone that Gotham can count on to avoid being slowly seduced by insanity, joining in on it, and eventually helping to break you out… it is her!
Dr. A: Ho ho! And I hear she’s a prime piece of ass too!
Batman: You bet!
The two high-five.
The end.