Clubs & Diamonds, by Chevalier.

 

Chevalier stands in the Malibu Country Club pro shop and takes a couple practice swings with a new graphite lob wedge. Squire looks around at the sweaters and thinks about perhaps picking up a couple for Christmas gifts... that is till he looks at the pro shop price tags. The loyal valet walks over to Chevs and....

Squire: Sir? Don't you think we should be getting back to the arena. Something might be going on you know.

Chevalier: I have my doubts about that Squire. I have my PDA on me and it will buzz me when the Washdown match ups are out. Till then I plan to try out some clubs so I know which ones to get for my vacation. Travel... golf... exotic places.... golf. I must admit I am looking forward to the down time in January.

Squire: Aren't you concerned about the Doctor or perhaps what Liv said yesterday in the SNS?

Chevalier: Heh.... poor misguided Liv. The pressure to live up to what she did in July is pretty hard on her. She's talking out of her derriere and she knows it. The fact is Barrister and Geno right now are the heart and soul of the SNS! I never said the SHOW would be better off without them. After all it's tough to find people even close to taking me on. Barrister and Geno were close.

Squire: Do you really think we'll have to deal with half-full arenas?

Chevalier: Perhaps.

Chevalier changes to a 5 iron as he continues.

I did like Liv's comment about not trying to get the spotlight. HA! Like she could with real main eventers in the fed. But we did lose our heart in Barry and Geno. At least we lost people that could compete with me on a regular basis.

However, I would still be the soul of the fed.

Squire: What do you think will happen when we go on vacation next month?

Chevalier: *sigh* I honestly don't want to think about that. I did a lot, maybe I could have done more. The feuds with MMG and HE brought in the ratings. But let's face it. The midcarders couldn't have managed what they did without the imported SHOW talent. Geno and Barry are ripping that palce up. You knew they would without me to hold them down.

Squire: You know we could slip over there for a bit. It would be interesting and you could show this Liv lady the light on some subjects.

Chevalier: Maybe someday. But you're right about Doc. That battle is probably coming up next week and I'll have to take some measures to make sure he doesn't get half the stuff he got in last match. I beat him in the middle of the month! He lost...I won! People don't even mention that match. He didn't get a bag full of weapons past the ref and had his derriere kicked! No mon ami, thoughts of going elsewhere will have to wait till after vacation. It will be good to have some time off, take it easy and travel. Maybe do a match here and there out of the US.

Squire: Can we stop by England so I can see the family?

Chevalier: Well you know we're going to be in France sometime next month, so England wouldn't be a problem. Till then I will just take care of business here. After Doc falls I'll have to make sure all my affairs are in order.

I plan on leaving no loose ends.

SPXL not invited to Chevy’s Country Club, by Dr. Abortion.

 

A gentleman picks up the phone.

Gentleman: Hello, Malibu Country Club.

SPX: Ah yes, hello. My name is SPX, and I had heard good things about your club.

Gentleman recognizes the voice not of Caucasian persuasion.

Gentleman: Err… go on.

SPX: Well… you know… recently I’ve been building a lot of muscle. I am totally stacked. Oh… wait… excuse me for a second. The microwave just went “ding.”

…

…

Anyway, are you still there?

Gentleman: *dial tone*

SPX: Hmm. Strange. I guess I’ll call again.

He does so.

Gentleman: Hello, Malibu Country Club.

SPX: Yeah. It’s me again. I think you accidentally hung up.

Gentleman: Uhhh…

SPX: So like I was saying, with all this muscle I was thinking I should join some sort of club so I could sport and socialize some more in my spare time. Maybe work off a pound or two of winter weight that I likely don’t even have. And I hear golf is the happening thing now.

Gentleman: I’m terribly sorry. We just don’t have room for any Bla- I mean, any more members.

SPX: No way, I know a guy who’s a member. I bet he’d recommend me-

Gentleman: I’m sorry. We’re just not looking for any non whi- errr… I mean, people. We’re not looking for people.

SPX: But I… hello? Hello?

Gentleman: *dial tone*

SPX: Man, this phone line is really bad. Let me call again.

He does.

Fuzzy Zoeller: Hello?

SPX: Yes, I-

Fuzzy: Go eat fried chicken.

*click*

SPX: WHAT THE? But I… hmm… wait… fried chicken. That’s not a bad idea. I have a coupon for Popeye’s here somewhere.

 

 

 

Chevalier: Friend to Minorities(Black Knight Line), by Chevalier.

 

Chevalier sits in the Knights' Skybox and enjoys morning coffee and a croissant. He kicks his feet up and begins reading the LA Times. He scans the paper and spies a column entitled "Local Wrassler Barred from Golf Course" . Chevs begins to read the story....

In a story leaked about an upcoming 60 Minutes piece, anonymous sources have said SHOW wrassler SPXL was recently refused membership to an all white country club in the LA area.

Chevs thinks to himself... "That's just not right!" Even if it is the SPX he once knew in a more bulked up package. Chevs continues to read....

The country club in question , the Malibu Golf and Country Club , has an impressive list of Caucasian members from the LA area and around the country. They include Rip Torn, Fuzzy Zoeller, Mark Furman, Lenny Dykstra, Jean Claude Chevalier, John Rocker .....

Reading anymore of the story is pointless AND impossible and Chevalier spits most of the coffee in his mouth all over the paper. The rest goes through his nose... EWWWW!

Chevalier: OH *****!

Squire looks out from behind the bar/kitchen area.

Squire: Did you just cuss sir?

Chevalier: Oui Squire, I'm afraid I did in my native tongue. Would you please bring me a towel?

Squire: Of course sir.

Squire does...

Squire: What could make YOU cuss?

Chevalier: This story in the times. Apparently the Country Club I joined does not allow minorities to join. SPXL included apparently. Just don't answer the phone and I'll cancel my membership. Call Vic at the NAACP. I made a $10,000 donation to them last year. MON DIEU! I can't believe this. After all we've had minorities in the Knights before. Just look at Kave!

Squire: Well he was in a way stereotypical sir.

Chevalier: What about Sky Dragon? He was oriental.

Squire: I believe the proper term is Asian sir.

Chevalier: Oh... I see. But the fact of the matter is Squire I have LOTS of black friends.

Squire: You know how that one will go over in the media sir.

Chevalier: Hmmm... I see your point. I need to do something drastic.

Squire: You could try to play it off as you were joining another club sir. These people from Aryan Links set you a flyer. They mention welcoming most central and western Europeans.

Chevalier: No, something else Squire. Something drastic. Get Ice on the horn. I have an idea. And if that doesn't work.... well if that doesn't work I'll have to do something totally over the top!

Fade...

 

Chevalier, Super-non-racist-man?, by Neoprene.

 

Chevalier walks out of his dressing room, robbed in bright ornate authentic african clothing, including a leopard skin throw.

Chevy:What do you think?

Squire:The throw may not agree with member of the EPA...

Chevy:Oui, I thought so too.

Squire:And the shoes, leather...

Chevy:Oui, oui, of course, how perseptive.

Squire:And you know how the elderly populations finds piercings objectionable.

Chevy:They're clip-ons!

Squire:Even so, I think that wooden stick through your nose may be too excessive. And the danlging wooden earings.

Chevy:Oui, they keep getting caught on this authentic African carpet I have on my shoulders.

Squire:I don't know how they would react to you calling their ethnic versions of cotton parkas "carpet", sire, I'm sure they have a particular name.

Chevy:Oui, it is obvious now. I need a Black-translator.

Squire:African-American, sire.

Chevy:AH, good job catching that one. This is going to take more work than I thought...

Squire:You shouldn't have to prove that you're NOT a racist, sire, I don't know if it can be done.

Chevy:Nonesense, I am Chevalier, I can do anything I set my mind to.

Squire:You might be trying too hard, sire.

Chevy:Whatever do you mean? No matter, now Squire, tell me about this holiday, this...Kwanza.

Squire:Kwanza?

Chevy:Yes, tell me everything you know about it.

Squire:Uhm...it's celebrated by black people...

Chevy:IS THAT IT?

Squire:And it takes place sometime around Christmas...

Chevy:It seems ve have a lot of work to do...

TBC

Squire:Well...

 

 

 

SPX doing what he does so well, by SPX.

 

SPX and Dr. A are still eating Popeye's chicken and Whitey is there too. He's always in SPX's posts but SPX just never got around to mentioning it.

SPX: You gonna finish those red beans and rice doc?

Dr. A: I'll trade you for the rest of that baby.

SPX: Baby, the other other white meat! God, where do I come up with this stuff?

Whitey: It's from Austin Powers!

SPX looks around nervously.

SPX: Really! I never saw that movie!

Dr. A: You have it right there in your gym bag.

SPX: That's not mine baby!

Whitey: Shut up and eat your chicken.

SPX: If I wasn't so hungry I'd kick your ass.

SPX resumes trying to get the last little bit off the chicken leg and then starts eating the crumbs off his t-shirt. A commercial for 60 Minutes comes on....

Voice of Ed Bradley: He once was a superstar in film in wrestling. A hero to the black ghetto youth in America and holder of hundreds of millions of dollars. He retired from the sport, seemingly to live a nice calm life with him wife and children, but now he has resurfaced in the wrestling world as a poor, fat, absent minded and lonely shadow of a man....

SPX: Hey, that's harsh.

Ed Bradley: This week on 60 Minutes I'll be conducting a special report on what happened to SPX, including an interview with his estranged wife Queen Booty.

SPX: This is not gonna be good.

Whitey: You even made the papers SPX. Something about being turned down for country club membership because of your race.

SPX: I didn't even care. I just wanted access to the buffet, lousy racist country club folk. I don't wanna play golf, I'm more of a bowling kind of guy.

Whitey: It says even Chevs is coming to your defense.

SPX: That's nice of him. I don't know why people say he is so fat, he is so trim and muscular!

Dr. A: Are you gay?

SPX: No.

Dr. A: Just checking.

SPX: Well, I'm fired up now, I'm gonna get into that country club and eat that lovely buffet spread if it's the last thing I do! Quick Bernard, to the SPX mobile!

Whitey: The 87 Cavalier?

SPX:......yes.......

SPX kicks Bernard the dog to wake him up and they head off to the SPX mobile.....which is an 87 Cavalier with bald tires.

 

Chevy Personally Apologizes to SPXL, by Dr. A

 

SPXL kicks his new valet, Bernard the Dog, and the two get ready to head out to the 87 Cavalier.

Dr. A: Don’t drive over any babies on the way out in the SPX mobile… fatty.

SPX: What? I mean… oh.

Whitey: Wait… why would you not want him to kill babies?

SPX opens the door… not to find a Cavalier… he finds a Chevalier.

God. I knew that was lame before I even said it. Why did I go there?

Chevalier: Ah! Bonjor! I am glad I caught you before you left!

Chevalier says in his Zulu Warrior Outfit.

SPX: HOLY CRAP… what the hell are you weari-

Chevy: Oh? This little thing. Why its nothing. I just happened to be watching the “Shaka” miniseries on the History Channel the other day when they were using as a promo for their History International station. It inspired me.

Squire: *Pssst*… sir… get to the point.

Chevy: Ah yes. Sorry. I just wanted to personally apologize to you about that whole ‘Country Club’ thing. I had no idea that it was whites-only when I joined.

SPX: Why that’s okay. I was just thinking…

Meanwhile… on the other side of the room…

Dr. A: Who is SPX talking to at the door?

Whitey: I can’t see. It sounds like Chevalier.

Dr. A: WHAT?!

Dr. A jumps up and rushes over.

Dr. A: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Are you trying to start something here, Frenchy? I knew it… I got you. My promos hurt you so bad you had to come over here and beg for my mercy in the Dedication Title Match. It will never work, Chevy. NEVER. Take your crying, whining and general Frenchness away.

Chevy: Oh… I did not know he would be here.

SPX: Please, Doc. It’s okay.

Dr. A: You mean you don’t want to gang up and jump him?

SPX: Of course not. Why, I was going to go off and see this kind, trim and muscular man myself anyway!

Dr. A: Wait… are you talking about the same “Beyond the Fat” Chevalier I’m talking about?

SPX: Huh?

Chevy: Look… doc. Get lost. Our problems will be solved in the ring later. I just wanted to give these gifts to SPX to show him how sorry I was.

SPX: Gosh, well isn’t that swell. I hope its some delicious food… like candy!

Chevy: Close… but not quite. Here.

Chevy pulls his hands from behind his back, and takes out a platter with two items on it.

Chevy: Watermelon and Collard Greens! Just for you!

SPX: …

Chevy: What?

SPX: …

Squire: (mumbling) … I told you it was a bad idea.

Dr. A: Hehehe.

Whitey: What? I can’t see? What does Chevy have? Man, if I’d get off this couch every once and a while I’d be involved in what was going on.

 

 

 

Executive SPXL, by Chevalier.

 

Chevalier, in his normal street clothes consisting of tan Slates and a blue polo, walks across the parking lot towards his Tahoe. He looks from sid to side thinking this would probably be a poor time for an interview with everything that happened the last couple days. To the right nothing, to the left nothing.... but right in front of him walks up IP Freely and his camera person Judith. Chevalier smiles politely. Never one to pass an interview up, and thinking it would look bad if he did, Chevalier agrees. In just a few minutes....

IP Freely: This is IP Freely LIVE from the SHOW Studio Arena parking lot with STAR Heat Champion Chevalier. Chevs in the last couple days we've heard stories come out about you being a part of a racist country club. What do you have to say to those charges?

Chevalier: IP I was a member of that country club, I am no longer. In this day and age you don't even think about people even considering race or creed when in their membership policies. I quit when I heard about those policies.

IP Freely: Well, they were very public charges and you didn't quit before they were made public.

Chevalier: As I said I didn't know! Such things were never even talked about with me and my work for minority charities is well documented. I tried to make a private gesture to SPXL myself, I have my doubts how well it went, but he did accept my peace offerings.

IP Freely: Well SPXL has been out spoken on the subject in the past. You yourself called him a panhandler when he was last in the federation.

Chevalier: Well he was going out of his way to get bonuses I didn't feel he deserved. But that, as you said, is in the past. I have spoken with some of the top brass of the W-feds and mentioned that SPXL would give a rather unique perspective on the Executive Committee. I have voiced my support for such a move and it would happen if SPXL is interested.

IP Freely: SPXL? On the EC? Really???

Chevalier: Oui, really. I was thinking about such a move even before all this as other on the EC will attest to. But at the time the offer can only help nurture the racial harmony that has always been a central theme of the SHOW.

IP Freely: This isn't just to cover your *** is it?

Chevalier: Oh no, that's just an added benefit.

 

Tag TSOB Looms...., by Chevalier.

 

IP Freely continues his interview with Chevalier from the Studio parking lot.

IP Freely: Chevs you spoke earlier in the month about tag teams in terms of Tickford and Natch. The premiere TSOB tag tourney is right around the corner. Surly you're looking for some one to join you in unseating I3TA.

Chevalier: It has crossed my mind. Nature Boy hasn't shown interest in such a move since we first talked and Tickford hasn't even responded to my words to him while I was working the food drive. My options seem rather slim.

IP Freely: Well right now there doesn't even seem to be many tag teams in the SHOW.

Chevalier: That is true. I have had thoughts of even talking to SPXL about it, but I doubt or style would mesh well. I3TA is ripe for the picking with the fed only being a shell of what it once was. Doc will be hard pressed to mount much of an effort in the tag TSOB were they to stay the champs after our meeting on the 14th. WL...well...Whitelight hasn't been much involved so far this month. I know he can get his act together quickly if need be and he'll have to if a tag team rises up to challenge for the belts. Any of the three mentioned bring some strong qualities to a tag team.

Tickford is the most intriguing. He's young and has a lot of raw skill. While he might fall victim to some savvy veteran moves by opponents he'll at least give it his all if he were my partner.

Nature Boy is experienced and knows all the tricks of the trade. when he doesn't fight dirty he's at his best in my eyes. If he were to be my partner he knows such tactics would be straight out. He's forgotten more about wrassling than most will ever know.

SPXL.... well, his style has changed drastically since I last saw him. He's mellowed with the bulk he's put on. As of right now he hasn't seemed to use that bulk to it's fullest advantage. But big bulky wrasslers don't have to be slow. I mean look at me at 6'2" 240. Even with the muscle my reactions are still quick, even if my foot speed is slowed by my lingering left knee injury. If it were 100% I would like to think I would have the lateral movement of my friend Ray Lewis, Ravens middle linebacker. He's 6'2" 250 and can charge and strike with sudden impact.

IP Freely: RAY LEWIS? The guy that stabbed that guy to death after the Superbowl a couple years ago?

Chevalier: He was accused of that crime IP. I have been accused of many things... and acquitted like Ray was. The US legal system says a man is innocent until proven guilty. The media should remember that fact.

Ip Freely: *ahem* Of course Chevs. Now you and Ray Lewis.... THAT would be a tag team.

Chevalier: Heh, it would at that IP. But I feel SPXL can make use of his bulk in the ring and still use some of the signature moves that made him a force in the past.

In any event IP I have plans for this evening. I thank you for the time.

IP Freely: Thank you Chevs, I hope things turn out well for you this month.

Chevalier: Merci.

Fade...

 

Want my other belt now too, huh Chevy?

 

Dr. A: Everything I have. My Dedication Title. My Tag Team Title. You want it. Its so sad. You just want to be like me. Your hero. Everyone’s hero. Dr. Abortion.

Bubba: Actually… he has the World Title, which you-

Dr. A: Silence! …Ah, now… where was I? Oh yes. Me. Chevs, you do not even have a Tag Team partner – yet you talk about beating me. It is not going to happen. Me and Whitelight are the Tag Team Champions. The Undefeated Champs. Not once have we lost since this gold has touched our glorious hands. We have had these things forever… and we will continue to. So don’t get a tag partner… don’t even make an effort. The title is ours now. It will be ours at the turn of the year. It will be ours forever.

He looks at Baby Bubba. Baby Bubba looks back.

The Dedication Title Glistens.

Dr. A: See. Look at that. This belt has never been so well treated. This belt loves me, look how well polished it is. See? I had to clean it up, wipe all the wine and cheese off of it after I got it from you. And see… I have a Dedication Title Carrying Lackey. Did you have a Dedication Title Carrying Lackey? A man so useless that his sole job and employment was to carry the Dedication Title?

Bubba: HEY! Useless?

Dr. A: Shut up kid. I’m on a roll here. Look… Chevalier. I know I’m great and all. And I know I humiliated you to get your title. But you don’t have to make it your life’s work to try to destroy everything I have because your unquenchable jealousy.

You will not get my tag title. You will be lucky to even get a partner. Face it. I3TA is a team. A real team. He work together. We are stronger and closer than ever. Nothing says “on the same page” and “team” more than Dr. Abortion and … uhh… damn… what's that guy’s name? … uhh… Umm… Wh… Whi… damn…

Bubba: Whitelight?

Dr. A: Yeah. That’s it. Whitelight. We’re a team. And we interact and keep up with each other a lot these days. So sit on that and twirl, racist.

Bubba: Oooooo….

Dr. A: No. Really. I mean it. He was pretending like he knew Ray Lewis. A total lie. Really. I bet you if I go over to his home in Owings Mills, Maryland he will say he has never heard of him. Chevs doesn’t have any African American buddies.

Bubba: Say, somebody told me you know Ray Caruth.

Dr. A: That’s a total lie.

Bubba: He did try to knock off his girlfriend so he could kill his baby. Eh? Eh? Baby killing. I see a connection.

Dr. A: Please. If he knew me the job would have been done right. And semi-legally. But just very semi. I kill babies.

Bubba: But not Baby Bubba’s though… right? Hehe.

Dr. A: The verdict’s still out on that one.

Bubba: Hehe… *gulp*

Dr. A: Oh, and Chevy… I know you and SPX are starting to have a “budding” relationship… I have some suggestions for possible Christmas presents you can get him:

1) His very own seat on the back of the SHOW bus.

2) A bathroom, so he doesn’t have to use the bathroom the rest of us do.

3) Some tickets to a basketball game.

4) A get-out-of-jail-free card from monopoly.

5) A stereo system.

And lastly…

6) A toaster. Everybody loves toasters.

Bubba: Ooohhh… a toaster. Sounds awesome. I bet he could make bread and everything.

Dr. A: No kidding.

 

 

 

Filling a role....with butter.....mmmmmm, by SPX.

 

SPX is getting a tour from Icehawg of the Wrassle offices because he is being considered for the Executive Committee.

Icehawg: That over there SPX is where Burnt sits....and you see that spot at the end of the table.

SPX: Uh yeah.

Icehawg: Read the little name plate....

It reads,

SatansPimpX

African American

SPX wipes a tear from his eye...

SPX: It's beautiful!

Icehawg: So will you do it?

SPX: Do I get a check?

Icehawg: Yes.

SPX: Is there food?

Icehawg: Yeah, and it's pretty damn good.

SPX: You had me at Yeah.

Icehawg: You know Jean Claude suggested your presence here right? I hope you didn't get too upset about his chitlins gift, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.

SPX: Well, at first I felt a little insulted, but then my pride was overtaken by my hunger.......for life, yeah, hunger for life.

Icehawg: You know, he implied he might be willing to tag with you. I think the whole world would drop a load in their pants to see you two tagging up.

SPX: Are you implying ratings?

Icehawg: Well, I wasn't trying to, but yes.

SPX: Ratings mean money.

Icehawg: So do belts.

SPX: Well, I haven't exactly been tearing it up lately. All my added muscle has proven quite hard to maneuver. I'm still adjusting.

Icehawg: Muscle my ass.....

SPX: Huh?

Icehawg: Nothing.....but think of it this way SPX. You may be struggling, but is Chev?

SPX: No....

SPX has a mental picture of Chevs in the ring beating the hell out of two men and then holding up title belts while SPX sits on the edge of the ring apron eating pie.

SPX: I think I might see what you're saying now. Basically, ride Chevalier's gravy train to ratings and tag team title success.....

Icehawg: Well, kind of.

SPX: You mean like how I'm getting to be on the E.C. just because you guys need a black guy for P.R.

Icehawg: Uh....

SPX: You have a good point.

Icehawg: You're not just going to swerve him are you?

SPX: Nah, swerves are a lot of work. I'm gonna milk this thing as long as possible.

Icehawg: Yeah, and it's not like you're going to join the Knights or anything.

SPX slowly turns to Hawg with an intruiged look on his face.

SPX: Never say never.....do you think the Knights have any pie?

Tradedy and Tag Titles, by Chevalier.

 

The scene opens with Chevalier in a black suit and tie with Kim standing next to him outside the SHOW Studio Arena. The audio comes up and....

Kim McCrea: This is Kim McCrea LIVE with STAR Heat Champion Chevalier. Jean Claude before we get into any topics in the fed the death of young Tickford must be brought up. Any idea what happened?

Chevalier: All I know at this point is that Tickford took his own life. I haven't been in contact with Tekno yet, but I'm sure I'll be in contact with him shortly. All I can think is "what a waste". I didn't know the lad well or what issues he was dealing with, but it never has to end this way.

Kim McCrea: The SHOW staff of course sends it condolences to Tekno and his family. Will you take some time off to go see Tekno in Canada?

Chevalier: If that's what he needs, but as I said we haven't spoken. I plan on trying to contact him again by phone tonight.

Kim McCrea: With this tragedy I'm sure issues in the fed will take a back seat for you for a while.

Chevalier: To an extent Kim. I'd prefer just not to bring it up and be there if Tekno needs to talk about it. While I might not be available tomorrow I will be at the arena Tuesday for Trashin.

Kim McCrea: Will you be in contact with Bez to announce who your tag partner will be?

Chevalier: As things stand right now my tag partner going into Tuesday will be SPXL. I want to get with him and discuss strategy for out team up. One of the provisos will of course be that I get to choose the team name and another being he fights above board. I don't think that will be a problem with what I have seen of his recent work. I honestly think he's turned a new leaf.

Kim McCrea: I am rather shocked that you would team with SPXL. The two of you have been at each other's throats in the past.

Chevalier: That's the past. People change Kim... well, I don't, but others do.

Kim McCrea: Do you think you'll get a shot at Doc and his partner.... his partner... ummm....

Chevalier: Whitelight. Oui, I do.

Kim McCrea: Why didn't you go with a former Knight Nature Boy or a strong young wrassler like Neo?

Chevalier: I know what Neo is about and his no show against me last month rules him out before we even get into his questionable tactics. Nature Boy has had any and everything else on his mind besides what the federation needs and teaming with me. SPXL is interested and I think he can be a benefit should we advance.

Kim McCrea: Any idea on the team name?

Chevalier: I'm still debating... perhaps Urban Justice or Executive Power. I'm not sure. I plan to meet with SPXL after I try and get a hold of Tekno again.

Kim McCrea: Jean I have to ask. Is this all about taking Doc down from every belt he holds?

Chevalier: No Kim, just two of them. It would be a disservice to the SHOW and it's fan to have Doc and his partner go to the tag TSOB. When it's all said and done there will be no doubt who the top star of the SHOW is after I defeat Doc and his minions at every turn.

I do need to go Kim. Merci for the time.

Kim McCrea: My pleasure Jean Claude, I just wish it were under better circumstances.

Fade....

 

The Doc goes to Red Lobster, by Dr. Abortion.

 

Dr. Abortion and Ms. Contraceptive are sitting at a table at the local Red Lobster. It’s sort of dim in the room, but a proper lighting for the semi-romantic situation.

They look at the menus.

Ms. C: Ooh! Look at the wine!

Dr. A: No wine. I can’t afford it. Remember? I only have $34.26.

Ms. C: You cheapass. Why don’t you spend more?

Dr. A: Damnit, don’t you remember anything? This isn’t even my money, remember?

Flashback to a reply.

Ms. C: Hey look... a bloody dead guy. Missing a face.

Dr. A: Hm. Not a baby? Shucks. Better make the best of the situation.

Dr. A goes through his pants pockets. He whips out a wallet and makes $34.26.

Dr. A: Boo-ya! Guess what two people are going to Red Lobster tonight?

Ms. C: Me and you?

Dr. A: Bingo.

CK: Where?

Dr. A: Go away Ceekay.

Dr. A and Ms. C depart.

Ms. C: Oh yeah. I remember now. Tickford blew his brains out and you stole his wallet. But don’t you have any more money than that? You had to have had some on your own.

Dr. A: Bez is paying me diddly-poo. Heh. But at least there is one less candidate for that pathetic Chevalier to try to team up with. Hehehe- HUH??!

Dr. A looks across the room. Guess who else he sees in the Red Lobster. Go on. Just guess.

No. Not SPX.

Ms. C: Holy crap, is Chevalier.

Dr. A: He follows me everywhere.

The doc’s eyes squint. His teeth clench. He tries to listen across the room.

Black Waiter: So, you’d like the rest of that in a to-go box then, sir?

Chevalier: Oui. I would appreciate that very much. In Europe, that is not usually done and is thought to be rude. But here in Amer-

Black Waiter: -Yeah, that’s great. I’ll be right back.

Dr. A: What is he saying? I can’t hear him!

Ms. C: Does it matter what he is saying? He’s obviously not talking about you. This is a restaurant. He’s just being polite. He doesn’t even know we’re here.

Dr. A: Should I make a scene?

Ms. C: No. We’re outside of the SHOW arena… we can’t do anything harsh. Remember… outside of the SHOW arena we don’t have that special deal with the police.

Dr. A: Damn.

Black Waiter: Here you go sir. Your to-go box. I’ll just pick up the bill.

He picks it up with the money on it.

Black Waiter: I’ll get your change for you, sir.

Chevalier: No, no… I insist. Keep the tip.

Black Waiter: KEEP IT?! Hot damn! This is almost like a %30 tip! Thank you sir!

Chevalier: No problem, my African American friend. I know you probably need it.

Black Waiter: What?

Chevalier: I mean. Feeding your many children… saving it to get out of the crime-infested ghetto… buying some jewelry… whatever you need it for.

Black Waiter: …

Dr. A: Damn. I wish I could hear what they were talking about.

Ms. C: Just forget it. Our waiter is here.

 

 

 

Stand Back and Watch my Greatness, by Dr. A.

 

Tony: Well fans, we’re just one day away from Trashin’ Tuesday.

Harry: Brought to you by the letter, “S.”

Tony: Wait. Are you Harry or Big Bird? You should really-

“Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi cuts him off, as the doc from DC comes out with Ms. Contraceptive and… hey… Whitelight?!

Tony: Geez… haven’t those two broken up yet?

Harry: No. They just went to Red Lobster with each other last night.

Tony: I mean Dr. Abortion and Whitelight.

Harry: Oh.

The three stand on the entrance ramp, because they are too good to go to the ring or come any closer to the filthy, filthy fans.

Dr. A: I tell you. Things just couldn’t be happier in Abortoworld. Myself and Whitelight still have over half the gold in this fed. I am the Dedication Champ and a Tag Champ. Whitey is the Transcontinental Champ and the other Tag Champ.

*perspective belts glisten*

Whitey: -And I’d just like to add, Abortoworld is a fabulous theme park. With many good rides. You’ve got to go on the dead baby waterslide and-

Dr. A sticks his hand over Whitey’s mouth.

Dr. A: Pay no attention to him. He is not goofy. He is evil. Pure evil. Why else would he team up with a baby killer, like moi?

Tony: I wonder if the doc has come out to brag about his belts again, or if he has a point.

Harry: Give him a minute, Tony!

Dr. A: Wait… wait… oh… look at this. I have a crystal ball. No. Wait. I don’t. But I have a cartridge for the 8-Bit Nintendo Game, Marble Madness, so that is close enough.

He pulls out the gray cartridge and stares into the balls on it, waving his fingers.

Dr. A: Ooo..oo…. I can see the future. I can see… an image… it looks like… tomorrow. Yes. It is tomorrow. I can see me. I can see Nature Boy. Yes. I can see a… a… I think it’s a “wooo.” Yes. It is a woo… but then it is silenced… silenced by… a… a… perhaps is that a hypodermic needle I see?

Whitey looks at the Marble Madness game.

Whitey: Those just look like marbles to me.

Dr. A: Shhhh!… yes… it is clear. I see me beating Nature Boy and becoming the (allcaps) star heat (/allcaps) #1 contender…. Beyond that… I see… I see myself winning that particular belt… and having a glorious triumvirate of titles again. Yes. This is my certain future.

Ms. C: Gee doc, does it say anything about the Dedication Title?

Dr. A: Why yes…Yes, it does. I can see me… in a ring… Chevalier… in that same ring… Chevalier… looking at me… Chevalier… turning… Chevalier… Running Away… Chevalier… Crying… Chevalier… boarding a bus… Chevalier… trying to take that bus back to France… Chevalier… drowning in the Atlantic Ocean… Chevalier… body being eaten by a shark. Chevalier-

Ms. C: Okay. Stop.

Dr. A: I got carried away. The point is, he will turn and run. I am awesome. But more than that, I am the Doc from DC, I am the Maniacal Medic, I am the Practical Practitioner, and I am the Physician on a Mission.

He holds out the mic, allowing for someone else to grab it. Or perhaps, for someone to interrupt the promo. Whatever.

 

 

 

Sea Monkeys are cool, by SPX.

 

SPX is looking at the card for Tuesday.

SPX: Oh boy Bernard! They named the card after trash, you should love that!

Bernard doesn't respond so SPX takes off his shoe and throws it at him. It hits Bernard in the head and he looks around before he notices the show and starts chewing on it.

SPX: I need to get a new manager. Maybe Vacant the security guard is available. Lets see....SPX vs Babybubba for the Primetime Championship....they're giving me a title shot? What am I? 4-3000 or something? SPX and Chevalier in tag team action against Nature Boy and Mystery Man X. Aren't they good?

Just then Kim McCrea walks up with a microphone to interview SPXL.

SPX: Damn Kim, you are looking appetizing today.

Kim: Go to hell fat ass...

SPX: Damn, turn around girl, you got dumps like a truck and a face like an angel.

Kim: Lets just get this over with Tubby.

SPX: Hey, I'm all for skipping foreplay.

Kim: You're disgusting.

SPX: You're foxy.

Kim: Alright roll it.....SPX, what do you think about your shot at the Primetime title.

SPX: Well you know somethin Mean McCrea, me and little Pimpsters have been back at headquarters planning a run at some sort of title. Why not the Primetime brother! So only Babybubba stands in the way of our goals. We've been saying our prayers, taking our vitamins, and having sex three times a day, and the 54 inch waistline is pumped and ready for action. So what you gonna do Bubba when the largest arms in the world destroy YOU?!?

Kim McCrea: Was that supposed to be a joke?

SPX: Yes. Wasn't it funny?

Kim McCrea: No. Are you going to give me a serious answer now?

SPX: Yes, I guess. Babybubba was inactive, then he showed up broke his silence and I didn't understand anything he was talking about. Kandi looks yummy though. I'd like to cover her in Farmer John lard and eat her up.

Kim McCrea: So, do you like your chances?

SPX: Yeah, sure, why the hell not.

Kim McCrea: What about tagging with Chevalier?

SPX: Well, I find it interesting that I never formally agreed to tag up with him, but we were just sort of placed together.

Kim McCrea: So you weren't planning on forming a tag team?

SPX: Yes I was planning on forming a tag team but I need something to bitch about OK?

Kim McCrea: What about his demands?

SPX: Well, he says I have to wrassle up on the ladder. I had just been wrassling whoever. On my way out to the ring I just hit the Old School Match button and hope that my random opponent is taking a dump or something so I win by forfeit. But if he wants me to be a little more selective, so be it. SPX will offer the same excellent performance against any opponent. As for naming our team, whatever. I would like to make a suggestion though. "Don't call us Froggy and Blackie!" Yeah....that was a good one.

Kim McCrea: It looks like most of your "excellent" performances are losses.

SPX: Yeah, and you just had to point that out didn't you?

Kim McCrea: What do you think of your opponents?

SPX: They're good guys, I have nothing against them, but when that bell rings and the moment of truth comes, I'm gonna take great joy from watching them get beat by Chevalier while I stand on the apron and flex my tender buttocks for the viewing pleasure of the audience.

Kim McCrea: You two would seem to be on a collision course with Dr. Abortion and Whitelight. The last time I checked those two were your friends.

SPX: Not anymore. Whitelight scares me. He turned into a voyeur or something. He just hangs around me all the time and never says anything. See, there he is over there.

Whitelight is standing in the corner and waves to the camera.

SPX: I don't know, maybe he has jungle fever.

Kim McCrea: And Doc?

SPX: He went to Red Lobster without me, I hope he contracts a sexually transmitted disease and his organ falls off.

Kim McCrea: Any other goals?

SPX: By the end of the month, SPX promises the SHOW that he is going to bring back quite someone who might possibly be the biggest star in the fed's history. Also, I'm trying to track down Alvarado and that foolish moor of his. I miss those guys.

Kim McCrea: Any comment on the 60 Minutes piece on you that is supposed to be run in the next week or so?

SPX: Yeah, I better get paid for it.

Kim: That will do it, this is Kim McCrea with SPX, who has a big night at Trashin Tuesday......and cut.

SPX: Hey Kim, you wanna go to Hometown Buffet with me now? I'll let you treat.

Kim: Uh....no.

SPX: Fine then......I'll go without you anyway!!!!! But can you loan me some money?

 

What Familiarity Breeds, by Chevalier.

IP Freely concludes his interview with Chevalier from the Knights' Skybox.

IP Freely: In the other match you're in tonight you team with SPXL against MMX and Nature Boy. You teaming with SPXL, I think I've seen it all. Did you see the picketers on your way in?

Chevalier: Picketers? I thought they were some religious group.

IP Freely: Religious group? Why do you say that?

Chevalier: Well they were working on erecting a cross when I passed by.

*shrug*

I am not worried about what people say on the issue of my membership to the Malibu Country Club. I didn't know about their policies before hand and I left as soon as I did. Anyone claims of me being a racist are unsubstantiated rumors and are without basis in fact.

IP Freely: Well the people outside are mad because you left the Country Club in the manner you did. They object to being put under a spot light over this issue.

Chevalier: *sigh* Another example of not being able to keep everyone happy. I have many ties to the ethnic communities I've lived and worked in. The Club needs to review their membership policies. If they have a problem with that they need to get their act together and join us in the year 2001.

Ip Freely: I had faith that you would come down on the right side of all of this Chevs. But what about the match? You commented on MMX and the STAR Heat battle. What about Nature Boy? He's a former Knight and you both should be familiar with one another's tactics.

Chevalier: I am. I spoke with Ric early in the month and he showed interest in working with me. But he is easily distracted and always has been. Too many times he substitutes weapons where skill is needed. He never took to my wise words of advice. He could be on the same level I am if he would have. Instead he finds himself hooked up with a masked man he knows little about. I look forward to meeting him in the ring and teaching him a lesson he will not soon forget.

IP Freely: What about SPXL? The two of you couldn't have had much time to work together.

Chevalier: We haven't. But I KNOW he has skill even if at times SPXL doesn't acknowledge that fact himself. All I need is for SPXL to hold his own and the two of us can take the next step. But I am counting on more from SPXL. In fact if we win I plan to treat him to a victory dinner at Westshire. They have some of the best steak in town.

IP Freely: Hmmm... sounds like an attempt to motivate SPXL to me. What about the name? Have you decided on a name?

Chevalier: SPXL's name of "Don't Call Us Blackie and Froggie" did amuse me. With the added bulk SPXL does sound a bit like Barry White, but to call his voice froggie would be off base. And me...I am not black of heart, so the irony does appeal to me. In any event IP SPXL should be here soon and we'll go down to the ring for the match. In the very least it should be interesting IP.

IP Freely: I'm SURE it will be Chevs. Thanks for the time. Back to you Tony.

Cuts ...

 

Arriving at the Arena, by SPX.

SPX pulls up in the SPX-mobile with Bernard the Dog. He is instantly greeted by boos, racial slurs and trash being tossed at him. He quickly runs for the cover of the locker room area while Bernard stays back to eat some garbage. I.P. Freely is there to greet him.

I.P.: SPX, these people have been waiting out here for you all day, any comment?

SPX: Yeah, Vacant the security guard isn't doing his job! I'm going to have a talk with Bez. I know Chevalier has some enemies, but this is ridiculous! I command respect! Why are they calling me bunny, and why are they building that "t" out there?

I.P.: You don't get it, do you?

SPX: Get what?

I.P.: Anyway, are you really prepared for today, I mean, you haven't exactly been in the best shape since you're return.

SPX: I beg to differ and don't you worry, I shall do my best!

I.P.: Prediction?

SPX: Both my matches will be exciting and to the victor go the baby back ribs....I mean spoils!

I.P.: Chevalier promised you a steak dinner if you guys can pull off a victory.

SPX's face suddenly turns more serious and he starts licking his lips.

SPX: I think our chances just got a whole lot better.

Bernard the Dog slowly walks in from outside and he has a racial slur very visibly sprayed on his back. SPX looks down with anger.

SPX: Dammit Bernard, stop rolling around in wet paint!

SPX kicks the dog about ten feet across the hallway and heads directly for the ring entrance for his first match against Babybubba.

 

Before the Tag Contendership, by Dr. Abortion.

 

Nature Boy and Mystery Man X, whom is still a big mystery I might add, stand in the ring.

Tony: Well fans, we await the arrival of the newest of the SHOW Tag Team of Chevalier and SPX. An unusual pairing to say the least. Who would have thought that team possible?

Harry: Yeah, and their music should be up next… because there is no way any other music could possibly play, right? I mean. Its not like someone else could-

“Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi begins to play.

Tony: Dr. Abortion?! What the hell is he doing out here?

Harry: Well Tony, I think it would be obvious. Nature Boy is double booked tonight, and after this match he faces Dr. Abortion for the number one contendership at the Star Heat title, currently held by Chevalier.

Tony: He’s out to interfere in some way. That’s what he’s out to do.

Harry: What? Don’t just assume that. The doc is a great guy I’m sure. Full of character and pride and… stuff. He’s not here for a run-in.

The Doc from DC walks towards the announcer’s table. He picks up a headset.

Dr. A: Hey Nabisco, hey other guy.

Tony: Actually. I am “that guy” and he is “other guy.”

Harry: So what do we owe the pleasure of your presence at ringside in this all important tag match?

Dr. A: Well. Its all so obvious, isn’t it? I’m the Tag Champion. See?

He points at his belt. It glistens.

Dr. A: One of these teams me and Whitey will likely have to face. And I’ve also got to face Natch here later today and Chevy on Friday in a giant Dedication Title match, the likes of which will forever change the face of Wrassle, and such.

Tony: Really? So you’re out here to just do a scouting report. See your opponents?

Dr. A: Well, now that you mention it I was kind of planning to do a run-in type thing.

Tony: “Type-Thing?!”

Dr. A: Okay. No type-thing. Just a plain run-in.

Tony: I told you Harry!

Harry: Geez, Tony. Stop bragging.

Dr. A: I mean. SPX has gone insane, teaming up with Chevalier. I guess the two fat cows just have decided to herd together. That’s okay with me though. I don’t have a problem taking either out. As for Nature Boy. Well, I’d like to injure him before our bout; it would make it a lot easier for me. MMX, he annoys me in the same way Canadian Kid annoys me. You know what I mean. I don’t know why he doesn’t take the stupid mask off. Its getting old. Real old. If there is one thing the Doc from DC hates, it’s a repetitive angle.

Harry: So you’re out here on no one’s side? You just wanna hurt anyone you can get near.

Dr. A: Preferably Chevalier or Natch… but if that slob SPX waddles over my way, I’d consider giving him a knuckle sandwich, that is, if he doesn’t try to eat it. Enough talk. Where the heck is that other tag team?

The doc taps his fingers nervously on the desk.

 

 

 

Its going to get Ugly, by Chevalier.

 

*From the bad Doc*

Doctor Abortion stands at announcers table strumming his fingers waiting for SPXL and Chevs to enter. He doesn't have to wait long! The pyrotechnics fire as SPXL and Chevalier stand together at the wrasslers' entrance! The crowd lets out a cheer as the two men walk down the ramp to the chorus of "Ugly" by Bubba Sparxxx. Chevs glance over at SPXL as the two men make their way down the aisle followed by SPXL's dog/valet Bernard. SPXL is oblivious to Chevalier's motions as he gets into Sparxxx's rhymes. The Frenchman decides just to go with the flow and raises his fist in the air as he moves to the music as the two make their way to the ring. For the most part the crowd is cool with it. Once the duo arrives at ringside they both slide in and talk for a moment. Chevs go out to center ring as Nature Boy comes out to meet him. Ref Dean Lamont stands ready for the bell. Tony Jabronie and Harry Nabisco pick it up from here.

Harry Nabisco: The hell kind of entrance music is that?

Tony Jabronie: Appropriate as I think it is going to get "ugly" in here. Neither man paid much attention to Doc as they entered. Lamont is about to get this one going. OH! What is Doc doing? He goes up and yells something at SPXL as the bell rings and Natch and Chevs lock up.

Harry Nabisco: HAHAHAHAA! Doc as his own problems as SPXL's dog Bernard has taken an interest in his leg. Looks like Bernard is practicing safe sex on the Doc's calf. No business potential from Doc's end on this one as Doc tries to detach the amorous canine.

 

Wonderful Match Action! By SPX.

Dr. Abortion is still having his leg humped while Chevs and Nature Boy grunt and beat each other in the ring. Dr. Abortion produces an Xacto Knife and gives Bernard a quick and messy neutering job before SPX can come to Bernard's defense.

Tony: Well, now we've seen everything.

Harry: Uh.....

SPX looks around hopelessly while Bernard lays in great pain, whimpering like a wounded dog, probably because he is a wounded dog. Dr. Abortion runs to the back at a pretty high speed that the new and much more muscular SPX could never dream of matching. Chevalier sees what happens and knows that between SPX being fat, out of shape, and now visibly shaken, he must win this match by himself. For 15 minutes Chevalier fights two men while SPX stands on the apron crying like a bitch. Finally, Chevalier can take no more and tags out to SPX!!!!!!

SPX comes in like a house of fire, bouncing off the ropes, going crazy! Suddenly, he is bouncing off the ropes slower....and slower.................and slower...........................Nature Boy hits SPX with a knife edge chop, SPX teeters to the ground, Nature Boy slaps on the Figure Four Leg Lock. SPX's shoulders are down, 1, 2, 3......Nature Boy and Mystery Man X score an impressive win. Chevalier put on an incredible one man show....and SPX needs oxygen.

Chevalier: Well, there will be no steak dinners for you tonight partner. I think maybe it's time we go to the back and talk about a conditioning program.

SPX: What are you talking about, I'm just a little rusty, but I'm in the best shape of my life!

Chevalier: Well...then, I think it would better suit our team if we worked on less power and more speed on your part, ok?

SPX: I'll think about it, in the meantime, I have to go save Bernard, get revenge on Dr. Abortion, and go finish my leftover chicken breast pieces!

Random Fan: Go eat some pie fatty! Your dog has no balls fatty! Fat Fat Fat!

 

SNS Tips the scales, by Chevalier.

Harry Nabisco and Tony Jabronie conclude their call of the tag team contenders match.

Tony Jabornie: The crowd is cheering. . and no one in the ring is moving.

Harry Nabisco: What? What's this? Commissioner Bez is coming down from the back! He rolls in the ring and SHAKES HANDS with Slick Nick Silver! What is this all about? ON MY gOD! Bez picks up Nature Boy and slings him on top of Chevalier's chest!!! He DEMANS Dean Lamont makes the count. 1...2...3!!! I don't believe this! Bez has helped Natch and MMX win the tag contenders match. DAMN , I knew Bez was WAY to involved with the goings on in the SHOW.

Tony Jabornie: Well Natch and MMX couldn't have done it without SNS, Slick Nick Silver. What is this all about? He takes down Natch and then teams with Bez to makes sure they win.

Harry Nabisco: Oh my! I think Bez is sending a message that Nature Boy and MMX can't get it done without him. For my money Bez has been way too involved with the day to day inter workings of the SHOW wrasslers. There's going to be a backlash. I see people yelling about where they get placed on cards and feeling that Bez is pushing Natch and MMX above anyone else.

Tony Jabronie: I agree 100% Harry...for once. I can see people threatening to leave for other feds even those that have shown true loyalty to Bez for months.

Harry Nabisco: Where does it end? What's next? A relative of Bez comes into the fed and books all his cards? Good grief people. This could be the end of the old SHOW as we knew it and the start of something much more nasty!

Fade...

 

When Bad Weeks get worse (Chevy), By Dr. A

Dr. Abortion stands next to Baby Bubba and Whitelight, who has not swerved him yet. The Doc has his tag title on one shoulder; Bubba has the Dedication Title and the Primetime Title; Whitey has the other tag title.

Soliloquy begineth.

Dr. A: You know, I was watching the TV. Heard the announcers call the STAR HEAT Match. Why not? After all, the winner of that match is the one who drops the Fed title to me? Because, in addition to you defending Dedication and Tag Champion – I am also your Number One contender to be Champ.

So. You win. Real Lucky. I hear the announcers say it wasn’t your best work… it wasn’t your best week. A double DQ. Heh. Well you know what, Chevy? Your week is going to get a lot worse.

Finally, without further adieu, that ones for you Frenchie, we face each other tomorrow, Friday, for the Dedication Title. I will retain. I believe I’ve made all the points I have to make. Further talk would be repetition, exhaustion. So, I fully expect you to talk more. Because that’s what you do… say the same thing over and over… over and over. [Copy]…. [Paste]… [Delete “Mightymark”]… [Type “Dr. Abortion”]… etc… etc.

The doc reaches over and sips some lemonade. Ahh. Lemonade.

Dr. A: *ahem*… Speaking about repetition. Me… you. AGAIN? I mean, even after I crush you Friday, its certain that me and you will have another bout. I mean, how many times can one poor, unfortunate sap like myself get forced into matches with you? Your face is making me sick. Now I know why Holyevil left the CCW. Not because you ran him out, not because he was scared of your “justice,” but because he got tired of ol’ man Lars booking him against you EVERY card. Now I know how Holyevil feels. Well, I know how he “felt,” that is. All he feels now are worms eating his tasty flesh.

Let me tell you, worms eating my flesh sounds about just as good as having to be in another match with you. Chevy, I don’t like fighting you. Once I’ve retain my Dedication Title, and won your Star Heat Title, I would like you to never, ever come near me again. Really. Go away. Go stomp some grapes.

In a month, you will be a memory. A memory like the stupid French Embassy angle. Who ended it? Me. Who took your gold? Me. Who’s the Doc from DC, the Practical Practitioner, the Maniacal Medic, The Physician on a Mission, The Big Bad Baby Butcher? Me.

Hope you do better tomorrow than you did Tuesday. Wait. No I don’t.

BACK.