Dr. Abortion is DEAD

Dr. Abortion’s Locker Room is quiet… extremely quiet. A little too quiet. Usually there is some racket going on.

Not tonight. Surprisingly things have cooled down at the CRF arena… because we know how hot things usually are… hahaha, yeah right.

Ed, the friendly Janitor: “Dum-dee-dumm-dumm… hmm, what room do I have to go sweep next? Hmm, lets see.”

Ed leans his mop up against the wall and starts fumbling through his papers.

Ed: “Oh God… not Dr. Abortion. That guy is always making a mess. Midget puke… toxic chemicals, 2 pints of blood, tampons. *eech* Lord only knows why he keeps tampons in his room.”

4 months ago:

Dr. A: ‘Quick! Quick! Ed the Janitor is coming! Get the dirty tampons and throw them on the floor!”

Wade: “Haha, we’ll get him this time. Man, that janitor is going to get so sick! Hahaha.”

Roe: “Yeah, hide in the closets and turn the lights off. We’ll peek through the crack in the door.”

Dr. A: “That guy is going to be soooo confused.

Back to modern day…

Ed: “Oh well, they always are filthy. I’ll see what is lying there this time.”

Ed the friendly CRF janitor takes a step into the room. He flicks the lights on, nothing happens. He waves his arm around to set off the room’s motion-detector light (the CRF is energy efficient).

Ed is whistling to himself and mopping as he turns his head and sees it… suddenly… It is the body of Dr. Abortion.

He lay on the floor, silent and cold. Drool has run out of his mouth and formed a small puddle, but that was quite a while ago. His eyes hang open, dilated. Some blood is dried up all around his nose.

Skin… pale white. It has sort of a blue tone to it. His arms have needle-puncture holes in them; a mixture of milk colored liquid and blood stains them. His medical scrubs are unclean; his arms lay out, and in one hand… a needle.

Ed: “Dr. Abortion… STOP SCREWING WITH ME! You always do that. ALWAYS. Just cut it out man, its not funny. Dr. A… Dr. A…?!”

Dr. Abortion: …

Ed: “Yo man, are you okay?”

Dr. A: …

Ed: “OH MY GOD! DR. ABORTION IS DEAD!!!”

Suddenly, he drops to his knees and a thought comes to his head.

Ed: “…wait a minute. Dr. Abortion was a big asshole. I don’t care about him!”

Ed stands up and begins whistling to himself. He quietly sweeps up around the body and moves on to another room… but not before…

Ed: “Ooo… look, a 2 Dollar Bill. These things sure are rare. Must be my lucky day, haha!”

Ed walks out the door, slamming it shut.

WHAM!!!

And the moral of the story is… Dr. Abortion was a big a-hole. Didn’t you already read that? No… seriously. Tragic Events like this serve to teach lessons to us all. I think you already know the obvious lesson,

If you go to John Hopkins, get a degree in medicine, become an abortion doctor in Washington DC, become a slammer, hang out with midgets and a beautiful woman who will not give you any because of a horrible screwdriver accident that left you impotent, do drugs and act like a total little dickweed… THEN YOU WILL OVERDOSE ON DRUGS AND DIE.

So kids, don’t be like Dr. Abortion, because damnit… that’s my gimmick! if you read this secret line then you get the message that you suck.

Dr. A: “I am the Doc from DC, I am Maniacal Medic, I am the Practical Practitioner… and I am the Physician on a Mission!”