Copyright 2000, Susan S. McCrackin  Reprinted with permission of the author.

"…work is progressing and I am pleased with the results. The crew has done a remarkable job of repairing the damage in engineering, and we will be able to resume our journey after only ten days instead of the two weeks I first thought.

"The good news is the transwarp drive was not damaged and appears to be fully functional. 

"We still do not know what caused the warp core program to destabilize. Seven of Nine is now studying Borg data nodes to determine what might have caused the problem. 

"I have now prepared a full report to send to the Federation in the next data stream, informing them of our current status and of our transwarp coil. 

"End log." She took a breath, and started speaking again, "Kathryn Janeway, personal log. After much deliberation, I have decided to send an encoded, private message to Admiral Paris, informing him that Seven’s DNA contains Borg technology and that Kathryn B’Elanna is genetically Borg. They will need protection when we arrive home, and I trust him to provide it. 

"I am growing more and more anxious to get them to the safety of Earth. Each day in the Delta Quadrant causes a growing fear for them. 

"End personal log."

She sat, rubbing her tired eyes, then stretched her neck, trying to give her tense muscles some relief. She put her hands on the desk to push herself out of the chair when the doors opened, and Seven walked in.

"Captain."

"Come in, Seven." 

Seven approached, handed her a PADD and stood, uncomfortably, "Captain, I am responsible for the explosion in engineering."

"What?"

Seven took a deep breath and lowered her head slightly, "The energy field generated by the transwarp coil was incompatible with our own warp drive. While we had the transwarp coil engaged, our own warp drive should have been completely shut down. The energy field of the coil, when our shields are modulated to match the resonant vibration of the transwarp energy field, will fully protect Voyager. Having both drives functioning created the phase variance in our warp drive program. It also created the strange electrical field signal in engineering."

Janeway was trying to listen to her report and read the information on the PADD at the same time. Her face was twisted in concentration, "What you just said makes a lot of sense." She looked up into a distraught face, "But why does any of this make you responsible for the explosion?"

"It was my responsibility to understand how the transwarp coil functioned. I should have known this." She lifted her head and added, almost angrily, "I am Borg."

Janeway forced herself not to react to what Seven had said. She knew there was more to her last statement than what had happened in engineering. She slowly walked from behind her desk and reached out to take Seven by the elbow, "Come here." She pulled Seven with her toward the sofa under the observation windows. When Seven appeared hesitant to go, she looked up at her and allowed the corners of her mouth to turn up slightly, "You must comply."

She did not get the smile she hoped for, but Seven did allow herself to be pulled across the room. 

"Sit," Janeway indicated the sofa, and Seven reluctantly took a seat. Janeway joined her, "Seven, I can understand that you would be upset about what happened and why you might feel it appropriate to berate yourself for not knowing about the conflict between the two drives, but I don’t see how that makes you responsible."

"I failed to do my job."

"You did a good job. We knew there were risks in undertaking the journey we did. Even if we don’t use the transwarp coil again, we are much closer to home than we were before. We can give you a lot of thanks for that."

"But my failure almost cost B’Elanna her life and the life of her child."

"Seven, it was not your failure."

Seven turned to face Janeway, her eyes blazing, "I should have known. I am Borg!"

Janeway gave herself a moment, "You were Borg. You are more human now than Borg. The Borg took away a lot of your life with the Borg. How can you expect yourself to know things that were taken away from you? If you are going to blame anyone for the explosion, blame the Borg."

She waited, hoping for a response, but there was nothing. She watched as Seven closed her eyes, her head bowed slowly. Kathryn Janeway took a deep breath, "What is it, Seven?" When there was still no response, she continued, "I have been watching you these last few days, and I know something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?"

Looking down at Seven’s hands, she noticed she was…fidgeting. Her right hand was nervously playing at the metal exoskeleton of her left hand. Janeway did not remember ever seeing that before. Forcing her eyes upward, she was almost surprised at the look in the blue eyes.

"Seven?" 

She was facing straight ahead, but her eyes were darting quickly around the room, their look pained.

"Seven, talk to me. Tell me what is going on with you."

She watched as Seven straightened her back, fighting for control, "I cannot."

"I would think by now, you would know you can tell me anything."

"I…I.." She turned her head toward her Captain, then closed her eyes and stood, "No, I am sorry, Captain. I cannot." She quickly stepped around the table and started walking toward the door.

"Seven!" Janeway yelled after her, but Seven did not stop. Janeway watched in dismay and concern as she walked out of the door.

She managed to hold herself together until she reached her private quarters. Then, she gave into the panic that was pouring through her. She grabbed to the back of the sofa, grateful that the Doctor was in the sickbay and Kathryn B’Elanna was with B’Elanna on the Omarahns’ ship. She did not want them to see her like this.

It had started soon after the explosion. It was a panic that she had to fight almost constantly. The closer they came to finishing the repairs, the worse it became. It was taking a tremendous amount of energy just to get through the day.

She knew what it was. There was no comfort in knowing its cause. 

She put her shaking hands to her face, working hard to control her breathing. It was time for her to return to engineering. There was a job to do. They were counting on her. She was instrumental in them being able to return to Earth.

With that thought, the shaking in her hands increased, and she had to fight to still them. They wanted to get home. The Captain wanted to get her to the safety of Earth. The Doctor wanted them to get to their new home on Earth. 

She looked at her shaking hands, knowing there would be no safety and no home for her there. She took a number of deep breaths to calm herself, turned and left for engineering. 

"Mind if I join you?"

Harry looked up at Tom, "Since when do you wait for an invitation?"

"Since you look so deep in thought I thought you might want to be alone."

Harry grinned at him, "No, that’s fine. Please sit down."

Tom put his tray down and settled himself down in the seat, "So, what were you thinking about so hard?"

"Just work," Harry took a bite of food, "How is B’Elanna?"

"She’s doing…okay. She is getting a bit stir crazy, but she is handling her confinement better than I thought she would."

"I imagine it would be tough."

"Yes, but she knows she doesn’t really have a choice. Kahkar wants her in bed with her feet up most of the time." Tom took a sip of his drink, "Actually, Harry, she isn’t fighting this confinement at all. She doesn’t say anything, but I think what happened scared her a lot more than she let on. She almost seems content to be in the bed over there and concentrate on staying pregnant."

"Good for her." Harry gave Tom a serious look, "That was a frightening day for a lot of us."

Tom concentrated on his meal for a few moments, then asked, "How are you doing?"

Harry gave him a surprised look, "Me? I’m fine." When Tom just nodded, Harry lowered his head, "I’m not the one who died in there."

Tom looked around to see who was around, then leaned closer, "How is she, Harry?"

"You would never know anything happened. She is as cool and efficient as ever." Harry pushed his tray aside and put his arms on the table in front of him, "But I think it…messed her up. Something is wrong with her. I can tell."

"I know. B’Elanna has said pretty much the same thing. She won’t even talk to Ketaria about what happened. That’s pretty bad."

Harry started to respond when they became aware of someone walking up to their table. Turning his head, he greeted her, "Hi, Supala. Do you know Lieutenant Paris? Tom, this is Supala."

Tom reached out his hand, "Hi, Supala. It is nice to meet you."

"It is nice to meet you, Lieutenant."

"Please, just call me Tom."

She gave him a short nod and lowered the tray she was carrying, "I just made a special dessert and was wondering if you wanted to try it." 

She lowered the tray in front of Tom, but he noticed she was addressing Harry. Suppressing a grin, he said, "I’d love to try it. How about you, Harry?"

"Sure." He reached for a piece, placing it on the table in front of him and taking a bite. "It’s great, Supala. You really are a wonderful cook."

She blushed a bright pink as Tom added his words of praise, "This is some of the best I’ve had in a long time." Swallowing he added, "Won’t you join us?" He ignored the look Harry gave him and took the tray from Supala, placing it on the table. Nervously, she sat down, trying not to look at Harry. Tom picked up the conversation, "It says a lot about the Omarahns that you would give up your home to come back with Kahkar. They must mean a lot to you."

"They do," she said, grateful for something to talk about something that made her feel comfortable. "They are the only real family I have ever known."

"Really?" Tom glanced up at Harry, "What happened to your family?"

She shrugged, "I don’t know. I was raised in a home for abandoned children."

Harry’s head came up, a slight frown on his face, "You were orphaned?"

"I guess so. I really don’t know where I came from or who my parents were. I’m not even from Eutaria."

"How do you know that?"

She reached up and touched her hair, "No one on Eutaria has red hair." Then, she pointed to her eyes, "Or red eyes, either."

"So," Tom interjected, "you were an alien on Eutaria."

"I guess so." She cast her eyes down, "Whatever I was, I didn’t belong." She put her hands in her lap and scrunched up her shoulders, "But the people of Eutaria are a kind people, and they took good care of me."

"How did you meet the Omarahns?" Tom was getting interested in her story.

She started laughing, "We were trying to steal from his ship."

"Steal?" Harry’s voice was incredulous.

"Yes," she nodded, embarrassed, "Eloca, Rowin and I…"

Harry asked, "Eloca and Rowin?"

"The twins. They grew up in the home with me." When he nodded, she continued, "We ran away from the home and were living on the street." She cut her eyes away, "It wasn’t the greatest life. Then, we saw Kahkar’s ship and thought we would be able to steal enough supplies to make life easy for awhile. But, he caught us as soon as we got on the ship."

Tom looked at her, a grin on his face, "Don’t tell me. Ketaria?"

She nodded, "Yes, Ketaria. She sensed us. They were waiting for us as soon as we got on board. They offered us a home, and we’ve been with them ever since."

"You were lucky," Tom said.

‘We know," she agreed. "Life has been very different since then." 

"I understand you helped Harry save Seven the other day."

She tossed a look at Harry, "I guess I did."

"From what I hear, if it hadn’t been for you, both of them might have been lost in there." She blushed into a deep shade of red, and Tom grinned at her. "Kahkar is quite proud of you."

Her eyes went wide, "Really?"

Nodding, he replied, "You should hear him bragging about how you went in and found the emergency oxygen and got to Harry before he could pass out."

"He was bragging on me?"

"Absolutely."

She went quiet and looked down at the dessert, suddenly unable to look at either man. They gave each other a humorous look. Harry spoke up, "You never did tell me how you found those emergency oxygen masks in all that smoke."

She looked up at him, "I could see them hanging on the wall."

"You could see them?"

She nodded, "Yes, the same way I could see you. And then Seven."

"I couldn’t see anything in there."

"Well, it wasn’t clear, but I could see okay."

"You must have great eyesight."

"I guess so. I never thought about it."

"I hate to break this up, but I need to get back to work." Tom picked up his tray and started to stand.

"Me, too," Harry quickly got to his feet, "I’ll walk back with you."

Supala stood, her disappointment obvious, and picked up her tray, "It was nice meeting you, Tom. Goodbye, Harry."

"It was nice to meet you, also." Tom turned to leave. 

"Bye, Supala. See you later." Harry started around the table, following Tom.

Supala picked up her tray of desserts and turned, not realizing Harry was coming around the table on her side. When she turned, she turned right into him and her tray came up under his, knocking his back into his chest. 

"Oh, no!" She groaned, "I am so…"

"I know. You are sorry. It’s all right." He looked down at his chest, then at the tray in her hand, "At least most of your desserts survived."

She looked down at the desserts, then back to Harry, speechless. Tom bent over, picking up the fallen utensils, plates and glass, putting them on his tray.

"Thanks." 

"Your welcomed, buddy." Tom was working to hold his laughter back. He watched as Harry brushed at the stains caused by the food on his shirt and looked at Supala's’ distressed face. "Uh, we’d better go."

"Right." Harry looked at Supala, "I’ll see you around."

She dropped her head in a small nod, "I…I…. Bye."

They walked off, and Tom managed to get out of the mess hall before he burst into laughter. Harry threw him a disgusted look, "It wasn’t that funny."

"Oh, Harry, I thought it was…cute."

"Cute?"

"Yes, cute." He looked at his friend, then started laughing again.

"What?"

"You don’t see it."

"See what?"

"Harry, she’s interested in you."

"No way."

"Oh, yes she is."

"She’s a kid!"

"Kid or not, she is interested in you." Harry gave him a frustrated sigh and Tom laughed even louder, "Harry, you might not want to dismiss her."

"What?"

"Well, she isn’t a hologram, she isn’t dead, she isn’t out to kill you and she isn’t a married Borg. I’d say that definitely makes her one of your more attractive prospects."

"Great. How did I get so lucky?"

"Harry, she’s not that bad. Actually, she’s kind of pretty."

Harry looked down at his shirt, "I don’t think I could afford to be around her very much."

"Why not?"

"I don’t have enough clothes."

"Hello. Feel like some company?"

"Captain!" B’Elanna pushed herself into a sitting position in the bed, "Yes. Please come in." She pulled Kathryn B’Elanna closer to her, "It’s good to see you."

"You are really looking good." Kathryn Janeway sat in the chair next to her bed, "I think this rest is good for you." She looked down at the baby curled next to B’Elanna, "Hello, Kathryn B’Elanna. How are you today?"

Kathryn B’Elanna put her hand to her mouth and kicked her leg, laughing at the Captain. She pointed to B’Elanna, "Baby."

"Yes, there is a baby in there."

"She has gotten fixated on the baby. I have no idea why."

Janeway looked at the child, an odd expression on her face, "There is no telling when it comes to her."

"No, there isn’t." They fell silent, then B’Elanna asked, "How are the repairs coming?"

"Practically finished. We should be able to start our journey again in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours."

"Seven has done a good job."

"Yes, but she said it would have gone better if you could have been there."

B’Elanna smiled, hesitant to ask her question, "How is she, Captain?"

Janeway gave a short laugh, "I was hoping you would tell me."

B’Elanna shook her head, "She hasn’t talked to me about anything personal since the day after the accident. All she will talk about is the repairs."

"It’s about the same with me." She sighed, "I was hoping she would talk to you when she brought Kathryn B’Elanna over every day."

"I’ve tried to get her to talk to me. I know Ketaria has also, but neither of us have been able to get her to discuss anything."

"Something is going on with her. I have even checked subspace communication logs to see if I can pick up a signal of some kind."

"You think the Borg queen might be trying to communicate with her again?" B’Elanna did not try to keep the fear out of her voice.

"I didn’t know what to think." Janeway leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, "I was just trying to cover all the possibilities."

"I take it you didn’t find anything."

"No. I didn’t." She was looking at Kathryn B’Elanna, "Are you enjoying having her stay with you?"

"I certainly am. She is good entertainment." B’Elanna gave the child a hug, "She is very well behaved and so aware of my feelings."

"We have to remember, she is not a normal child."

B’Elanna’s face went still, and her head lowered, "I know. I think about that all the time." She concentrated on the child beside her. Taking a deep breath, she asked the question that had been on her mind, "Captain, what will happen to her when we get back to Earth?"

"I…don’t know, B’Elanna." She hesitated, "I have decided to send a private message to Admiral Paris, telling him about Seven and her."

B’Elanna’s eyes opened wide. She forced herself to pause before she spoke, carefully choosing her words, "Do you think it is wise to tell the Federation about them?"

"They will find out. I am hoping that, by telling Admiral Paris, I can provide them some protection. He will take care of them. I trust him to do that."

"Captain, it might not be appropriate for me to say this, but I don’t trust the Federation where Seven and Kathryn B’Elanna are concerned. I know you have said that Seven and the Doctor will have their marriage recognized and that their rights will be respected, but…." She paused, almost unwilling to put her thoughts into words. Finally, she took another breath, "Captain, Seven and Kathryn B’Elanna could be seen as valuable weapons against the Borg. Look at how powerful Kathryn B’Elanna is. Think about what that could mean in a battle against the Borg. And we are seeing her as a child. Think about who she will be as she grows."

"Believe me, B’Elanna. I have thought about that a lot. In all honesty, I don’t know that we are capable of dealing with her."

"What do you mean?"

"Just that I question whether we are equipped to deal with her as she grows. Especially as her powers develop, and she learns to control them."

"Captain, Seven works with her a lot. So does Ketaria. Between them, they are helping her manage." She leaned forward, "And Kathryn B’Elanna seems to understand she has to be careful."

"How can a child truly understand that, B’Elanna? No, children often behave quite irrationally when something upsets them. What would happen if she got upset about something and totally disrupted the program of the ship? I believe she could, you know. Look at what she had done to the Doctor’s program. She isn’t quite two years old, B’Elanna. Think about what she will be like in a year, in two years. Think about her as a teenager. No, she will need special guidance and careful watching. And, she will need special protection. That is why I think the best place for her is where the Federation can keep a careful watch over her. It will be the best for her. And the best for her mother."

B’Elanna stayed silent. She found no comfort in the Captain’s words, and she did not share her faith in the Federation. Kathryn B’Elanna moved slightly beside her and she turned her attention to the child, watching as she cuddled closer, her eyes started to close.

"She’s about to take another nap."

"Another nap?" Janeway’s forehead furrowed, "What do you mean by that?"

"She’s been sleeping a lot lately."

"Is that unusual for her?"

B’Elanna nodded, "Yes, it is."

"Any idea why?"

"Ketaria says she might be going through a growing spurt. She thinks that might make her sleep a little more."

"What does Seven say?"

"She hasn’t said anything."

"Have you asked her about her sleeping patterns at home?"

"Actually, no. I haven’t wanted to bother her or give her anything else to worry about. Ketaria doesn’t seem too worried about it. I guess I’m the worrier." B’Elanna gave her Captain a laugh, "You know how I am."

Kathryn Janeway gave a knowing nod of her head and focused her attention on the now sleeping child. The power of this child frightened her. It was another reason she knew she had to get the ship back to Earth as quickly as possible. 

Seven walked into her living quarters, and the Doctor stood to greet her.

"You look absolutely exhausted." 

She gave him a weary smile, "I am. It was a long day."

"When was the last time you regenerated in your alcove? Wasn’t it over a week ago?"

She nodded without speaking.

"Don’t you think you should regenerate there tonight?"

"Maybe." She walked over to the replicator, ordering something to eat, "I will consider your suggestion." Taking her plate to the table, she sat down to eat. When he joined her, she spoke, "Kathryn B’Elanna is already asleep."

"Yes. I guess she wore herself out playing with B’Elanna today. Ketaria also said she worked with her for a long time this afternoon."

"They are working on helping her mask herself from scans?"

He nodded, "According to Ketaria, she is getting very good." He shook his head, "I can’t believe she can do that."

"She is Borg."

He looked up, surprised at the bitterness in her voice. "Seven?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head, "I am sorry, Doctor. I should not have said that."

He moved closer to her, reaching out and placing his hand over hers, "Seven, are you okay?"

"Yes." She looked toward her daughter’s bedroom door, "I am just tired, Doctor."

"Why don’t you regenerate in your alcove tonight? I’ll tuck you in."

She looked at him for a long time, then slowly shook her head, "No. I will go to bed early tonight and set the bed here to maximum."

"But I think you need the full power of the alcove."

"What I need, Doctor, is not to be alone tonight."

He blinked at her, surprised. She had been so reserved since the explosion. She had pulled deep inside herself and had not even come to bed many nights, instead spending her time working here at the table. He had come out after those nights and often found her asleep, with her head on the table. He thought back to the first time that they had seen each other after the explosion. She had grabbed for him, clinging to him in quiet desperation. All he had been able to do was hold her and tell her he had not realized it had been her. She had tried to tell him she had understood; that B’Elanna and her baby needed him more than she had. 

He remembered the look on her face when she had said that, but did not ask her any questions in the room full of people. And she had not wanted to talk about it since. But he knew something was wrong.

How could she have said that, he thought? She had died. How could she have thought that B’Elanna needed him more than she had?

He was brought out of his reverie by her rising from her chair and taking her plate to the recycler. "I am going to get ready for bed." She looked toward her bedroom door, "Will you be joining me?"

He gave her a warm smile, "Of course."

Without responding, she turned and walked into their bedroom. Frowning, he followed her, changed into his pajamas and activated the headboard, making certain it was set to maximum. He was pulling down the covers when she walked in, pushing her hair back from her face. Without speaking, she got into the bed and pulled the covers over her. When he joined her, she finally spoke.

"Doctor."

"What, Seven?"

She slid closer to him in the bed, her back to him, "Hold me."

Without speaking, he turned on his side and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him. He leaned forward and kissed her shoulder next to her neck. She sighed deeply, and he felt her drift toward sleep. His mouth tightened, and he quietly monitored her while she slept. Everything seemed normal, but he knew it wasn’t.

Kathryn B’Elanna felt her mother drift into sleep. She immediately left awareness and entered her parents’ bedroom. She stood for a long time, watching Dada hold Mama; then she carefully reached out to touch her mother’s mind.

Mama was looking at that dark place again. Sighing, she stayed in the shadow of her mother’s mind, watching and waiting. Mama wasn’t walking toward the dark place, but she kept staring at it.

Kathryn B’Elanna settled herself to wait for wake up time. She had done this almost every night since Mama tried to leave the first time. She would not let Mama leave her. She would stay here and watch over her.

"So," Kathryn Janeway paced behind her chair, "we are ready to undertake our journey again?"

"Yes, Captain." Seven’s response was formal and clipped.

"Good. Excellent work, Seven." She looked around at the faces at the table, already feeling the excitement start to build. "We will start again at fourteen hundred hours." She put her hands on the back of her chair, "Until then, I want every system checked and rechecked. We will run at transwarp speed for twenty-four hours, stop and recheck our systems. If everything is normal, we will push on for home, running in forty-eight to seventy-two hour jumps. Dismissed."

She looked each member of her senior staff in the eye and could see her own excitement mirrored in theirs. As they stood, she said, "Seven, please stay."

She stood with her hands clasped behind her back as the staff filed out. Janeway stood behind her chair and looked carefully at her, noticing the dark circles under her eyes.

"You look tired, Seven." When she did not get a response, she continued, "You have done a remarkable job. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you have done." Seven held her eyes steady on the Captain, but remained silent. "I wish I could give you a couple of days off, but we need you monitoring the status of the transwarp coil as we make this jump. No one else can do it the way you can."

She waited, hoping for a response, but Seven stayed silent. Frowning, Janeway walked closer to her, "Talk to me, Seven. Tell me what is going on with you."

Seven finally spoke, "There is nothing going on with me."

"Is that why you are so reserved? Why you look like you haven’t sleep in days?"

"I have been sleeping."

"Really?"

"Yes." When Janeway continued to look hard at her, she stammered, "I…I…have been sleeping, but I..haven’t been sleeping well."

"I thought so." She wrapped her arms around the top of the chair between them, "Does this have anything to do with what happened to you in engineering?" 

Seven quickly turned her eyes away from her Captain, focusing her attention on the wall across the room.

Janeway gave her a small smile, "I thought so. I know that had to be unsettling for you. What you went through in there would be unsettling to anyone." She gave Seven a moment to talk. When there was only silence, she tried again, "Would you like to talk about it?"

Seven took a deep breath, "No. I would not like to talk about it."

Kathryn Janeway moved a hand to her face, rubbing her forehead, "Seven, I think you need to talk to someone about it. If you won’t talk to me, I think you should talk to Ketaria."

Seven’s eyes were blazing when she turned them to Janeway, "I told you I did not want to talk about it. Not with you. Not with Ketaria."

The force of her response surprised Janeway. She had to force back her anger in responding, "Seven, I need to know that what happened to you will not impact your ability to function as we undertake our journey. We need you."

She watched as the anger built in Seven’s face and then was quickly covered up. Seven took a controlled breath and responded, "Captain, you do not need to worry about me. I have already proven myself to you. You should know by now you can count on me to do my job. I will not let you or this crew down." She turned to face her Captain, "I have always shown my willingness to put the interest of you and this crew before my own. You should not expect anything less from me now. I will make certain you get home."

Janeway frowned, taken slightly aback at Seven’s response. She was trying to process what she had said when Seven spoke again, "With your permission, Captain, I need to return to engineering to prepare for our journey."

Not quite knowing what to say, Janeway nodded and Seven turned from her and started walking toward the door.

"Seven."

She stopped, took another deep breath and turned sideways, her head cocked toward her Captain, listening.

"I want you to know, I have complete trust in you. And," she moved around the table toward her, "I want you to also know I am concerned about you and only have your best interest at heart."

She watched as Seven’s eyes softened and cut away from her before replying, "I know that, Captain. And I want you to know I appreciate your concern."

Janeway felt some of the tension in the room dissipate, and she tried to give Seven an encouraging smile. Seven looked at her a moment, then turned and left.

Janeway stared at the doors a long time. Their exchange did not make her feel any better.