Copyright 2000, Susan S. McCrackin  Reprinted with permission of the author.

Ketaria felt it with an incredible intensity. She turned quickly to look at Kathryn B’Elanna and knew she had felt it also. She watched the child closely, reaching out to try to protect her from the intensity of the feeling. But she felt Kathryn B’Elanna holding the feeling away, guarding herself from its power. She sat down slowly in the chair, waiting.

Kathryn B’Elanna stood, her small body straight and Ketaria saw her take a deep breath and let it out slowly in a heavy sigh. She watched the little lips twitch, absorbing and feeling the emotions. After a few minutes, Kathryn B’Elanna walked over to Ketaria and patted her on the knee, "Up, Keta."

Ketaria reached down and lifted her, and Kathryn B’Elanna settled into their familiar position, and Ketaria felt her leave awareness. She followed.

Kathryn B’Elanna was already moving by the time Ketaria joined her, and she knew they were going to her home. They entered the small bedroom, this time without going through the familiar path through the corridors of Voyager. It was the first time Kathryn B’Elanna had taken a straight path.

She stopped. Ketaria could see the Doctor sitting in a chair pulled up next to the bed, watching his wife sleep. Ketaria saw that the headboard was not activated and knew that Seven had been medicated. She stood quietly, watching Kathryn B’Elanna carefully.

The child was staring at her mother. Ketaria could feel that she was protecting herself from her mother’s mind. Then, she felt Kathryn B’Elanna reach slowly toward her mother’s mind, holding tight to the edges, ready to retreat. Ketaria followed carefully, afraid herself to go into Seven’s mind too deeply.

It was a horrifying place. They stood at the edge and watched vague figures, most drones, moving stiffly though the haze. In the distance, they saw her, almost hidden by a mass of drones around her. They could tell she was trapped by them, with no means of escape. They could feel her fear. Every time she moved, she was stopped as if by a force field, but she reacted as if moving caused her pain. Kathryn B’Elanna’s eyes were locked on her mother’s face. Finally, she turned to Ketaria.

"Mama hurt."

"Yes, your mother is hurt."

"Keta help."

Ketaria lifted her head and looked at Seven in the distance, "No, Kathryn B’Elanna," she lowered her head back to the child, "I cannot help your mother. You must help your mother."

Kathryn B’Elanna turned from her to look at her mother. Then, she turned back, "Keta help." Her voice was insistent."

"No," she made her voice as insistent, "Keta not help. Kathryn B’Elanna help."

Kathryn B’Elanna sighed and looked somewhere between Ketaria and Seven. After a while, she turned and led them back to awareness. Ketaria could not hide her surprise. When she opened her eyes, she looked at the child, shocked at what had just happened.

Kathryn B’Elanna slipped from Ketaria’s lap and moved to sit in the middle of the floor, her eyes locked on the door. Ketaria carefully reached out to touch her mind but felt herself completely blocked out. She pulled herself back and tried to relax into the chair, keeping her eyes on the still body of the child, trying to figure out what was happening.

The twins were playing Velocity, a game they had learned on Voyager, and Supala was there as referee. The twins always needed a referee. It was not that they did not love each other. It was just that neither could stand to be bested by the other. 

"Score!" Supala yelled out her decision, her voice firm and without doubt. She had learned a long time ago never to show any doubt where the twins were concerned, even if she was not sure. 

"No way," Rowin screamed back at her. "It never touched me!"

"Of course it did," Eloca yelled back, "it deflected off of you."

"It did not!"

"It did, too."

"You were seeing things."

"I saw it hit you and go off at a right angle."

"It did not."

"Yes it did."

"It was a score," Supala’s voice was sharp and loud. "Eloca, it is your advantage. Play, or I am leaving."

They glared at her, knowing that if she left they would never be able to finish the game. Neither would concede a point to the other, and the game would dissolve into a hopeless yelling match, or worse. They took their positions and resumed their play.

Thirty minutes later, they were walking out of the game room, Rowin grinning and Eloca sulking. Rowin had managed to come back, regain the advantage and finally take the game. They were so equally matched, most of their games ended in ties, with neither able to gain a distinct advantage. Even with the games in which one was able to best the other, their win/loss records were practically even.

Supala walked between the two, again aware of how they towered over her. It had not always been like that, but in the last couple of years, they had grown tall and broad shouldered. They reminded her more and more of Kahkar. As Eutarian males, she knew they would be large and physically powerful. She also knew they would be brilliant.

They were already proving their scientific prowess, Rowin in astrometrics and Eloca in engineering. She tightened her lips and sighed. She had yet to find her talents in anything. She was not as physically talented as they were, nor did she share their mental powers. But then, she was not Eutarian. She did not know what she was.

It was not that the Omarahns had not tried to determine her xeneology. Once she had joined their ship, they had worked to help her find out something about her history, but there were no clues. There was very little history about her at all. She had been found abandoned outside a merchant’s place in the city were the Omarahns lived and had been placed in a home for such children. She had been a baby when she had been found. Her red hair and red eyes marked her as an alien, and she never found a home. She was five when Rowin and Eloca came to the home. The three had immediately bonded, probably because her red hair attracted her to them. No one on Eutaria had red hair. 

They lived at the home until she was twelve and they were thirteen. Then, they ran away, thinking themselves embarking on a great adventure. Instead, they found themselves fighting to stay alive and to feed themselves. Even the streets of a Eutarian city were not kind to wayward children. Rowin and Eloca felt a deep responsibility for her, and she toward them. They learned to steal and hide and live in the night. It was a miserable existence.

Their lives changed the night they tried to steal from Kahkar.

He had been working on the new ship he was getting ready to launch. It was a beautiful, artistic work as well as being on the leading edge of Eutarian technology. They had watched the work of loading the ship for the last week and knew that a successful raid would keep them in food and supplies for a month. They planned their assault carefully, not realizing that they had been monitored the entire time they had reconnoitered the ship.

He captured them as soon as they entered the ship.

She remembered his size and the fear she felt the first time that he approached her. Then, she remembered his voice as he spoke.

"The three of you look hungry."

They had looked at each other, each afraid and unable to speak.

"Come. We will share a meal."

He had turned and walked away from them. For some reason, they had followed him without protest. He entered a room that they immediately recognized as private living quarters. He stood and pointed to a table that was already set.

"Please, take a seat." 

"They should clean first, Kahkar." The woman entered from their right. She was as petit as he was large, with long, black hair. But the first thing Supala noticed about her were her eyes. They were ice blue and looked at them with a kindness none of them had ever known. "The meal will wait."

"Of course. Rowin, Eloca, you come with me. Supala, you will go with Ketaria."

They had looked at each other, their eyes wide with surprise. How could he know their names? They had been too shocked to question. They did as they were told.

Within an hour, the three of them sat at the table with the Omarahns, eating the best meal they had had in months. Probably the best meal any of them could ever remember. Ketaria’s laughter melted their fears. It was not until later they realized that she had been helping ease them through the transition to their new lives. Or that she was the one who had been monitoring them as they planned their raid. They had been discovered immediately. Moreover, Ketaria had known they were lost souls.

Kahkar pushed his chair back from the table and leveled his eyes on them one at a time, "You are invited to join this ship."

They had cut their eyes at each other, each afraid of what the other was thinking and each afraid to be the first to speak. Kahkar continued.

"You will each be given a fair pay and a place to stay. You will be expected to work as members of the crew. But, you will be expected to attend classes and be educated. I will not have uneducated people working with me on this ship."

Supala had swallowed, suddenly afraid that Rowin and Eloca would reject the offer. She would not leave them, but she knew she really wanted to stay on this ship. Later, she would learn that they had been afraid of the same thing. Not one of them said anything.

Ketaria smiled, "I think, Kahkar, they accept your invitation." She stood, "Come, we will show you to your quarters."

For the first time since they had run away from the home, Supala slept in a soft bed, covered in clean blankets and slept dream free and soundly. It had been the same for Rowin and Eloca.

Their lives had never been the same. Their lives had never been better.

Her eyes had taken on a dream-like look as she remembered. Rowin glanced down at her, "Thinking about him again."

"What?" She looked up at him.

"Come on," this time it was Eloca, his voice light and laughing, "admit it. You were thinking about him."

Her face reddened when she realized what they were thinking. "No, I was not!"

"Yes you were," Rowin bumped her lightly into Eloca and he bumped her back into Rowin. "Admit it. You were thinking about being able to see him again."

She stopped, mad and embarrassed, "No I was not! I wish you two would stop talking about that." She turned and stomped away, hearing them laugh behind her. She ignored them, walking as straight and tall as she could. 

They were being ridiculous. She had not been thinking about him. But, she admitted to herself, she was excited about seeing him again.

She sighed. Even if he didn’t realize she was alive.

B’Elanna entered the sickbay, looking around for the Doctor.

"He is not here."

She turned to see Meloka standing near Otoro’s biobed. "Oh?"

"He has not returned since he took her to their quarters."

B’Elanna was not certain she understood what Meloka was saying, "What?"

"He has not returned since he took her to their quarters."

B’Elanna narrowed her eyes, "Who is her?"

"The Borg."

B’Elanna heard it in her voice immediately. There was a different quality to it. The response had almost been an…emotional one. It was obvious Meloka was not happy.

"Oh, I see." B’Elanna crossed her arms, forcing a smile, "She is his wife, Meloka."

"She does not love him."

The vehemence in her voice was obvious. B’Elanna dropped her eyes, trying to figure out what was happening. She was not that familiar with Meloka’s programming, but she had not been aware that the hologram’s program contained emotional subroutines. She conceded to herself that it was possible, however. 

Regardless, it was obvious that Meloka’s feelings for the Doctor had grown stronger, and she found that fact worrisome.

"Actually," B’Elanna looked back into Meloka’s face, "Seven loves the Doctor very much. It might not look as if that is the case right now, but Seven is not well. You did not know her before. When she regains her memories, she will remember her love for the Doctor."

Meloka did not respond, but continued to hold B’Elanna’s eyes in an intense stare. Then, they heard the doors of the sickbay slide open and heard the Doctor’s voice.

"Good afternoon." When they turned to look at him, he frowned, "What’s wrong?"

B’Elanna glanced over at Meloka, then turned her attention back to the Doctor, "Nothing, Doctor. I just came in for my check up."

"Good. I am impressed you remembered." He walked over and picked up his medical tricorder, "How does your back feel today?"

"It is a little sore but, other than that, it feels fine."

He nodded, studying his scans, then smiling at her, "Looking good, B’Elanna. How are you feeling otherwise?"

"Great. No problems."

"Wonderful. Still, I would like for you to come in for regular visits."

She frowned, "Did you find something, Doctor?"

"No, B’Elanna, it is just a precaution." He looked at his scans again, then grinned at her, "I just want to be a good family doctor."

She laughed, "Family. That sounds so strange."

"It will be wonderful for you. Trust me."

She returned his smile, "I will, Doctor."

He glanced over at Meloka, then lowered his voice, "B’Elanna, do you have a few minutes?"

"Certainly."

He indicated his office and she led the way in. "Please, take a seat." He walked over to sit behind his desk, keyed in a few commands and turned the computer so they both could see, "I have something I need your help with."

She glanced at the computer screen and saw the results of a medical diagnostic’s scan on it. She gave him a questioning look, "I don’t now if I can help you with that. What is it?"

"It is a scan I took of Seven this morning." When she looked up at him, he continued, "I don’t know if there is anything in there to find, but I would appreciate it if you would examine it."

"Any particular reason?"

"I don’t know. Call it a hunch. But today, we had a long talk, and I thought she was struggling to remember, but was…blocked from doing so."

"Blocked?"

"I know that sounds strange." He leaned back in his chair, "And maybe I am just looking for an excuse." He fell silent and she waited, "But, every time she remembers something or tries to remember something, she experiences pain. That is not symptomatic of any brain trauma that I know of."

"We knew she would not have any memories of her life on Voyager."

"But trying to remember should not cause her physical pain."

B’Elanna studied the screen for a few minutes, "I’ll look at it, Doctor." Then, she turned her eyes to meet his, "But don’t expect too much."

"You looking at it is all I ask."

"Send your file to engineering, and I’ll look at it there."

He hit a key, "It’s waiting on you."

"I’ll let you know what I find."

"Thank you, B’Elanna."

She glanced out of the window of his office, "How are things going with Otoro?"

"He is ready to be released from sickbay, but he won’t leave because of Meloka."

She was quiet a moment, "Maybe I should ask the Captain about installing holo-emitters in the guest quarters for them."

"That would be wonderful. I know they would appreciated it." He gave her an appreciative smile.

"I am sure they would." She smiled back, but she thought to herself she was sure that Otoro would appreciate it. But she was pretty sure Meloka would not. She pushed out of the chair, "I’ll be back in touch soon." With that, she walked out of the sickbay.

The Doctor sat at his desk for a few minutes, deep in thought. Then, he became aware of someone standing in front of his desk. He looked up, "Oh, Meloka. I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you come in."

"You were studying something. Perhaps I can help you analyze it."

"No. But thank you for offering." He exited his work and closed the computer, standing. "How is Otoro doing?"

"He is fine, Doctor."

"Good. Shall we check him?"

He got up and walked toward her. As he started to walk through the door, she moved, and he bumped into her. He quickly reached for her to help her balance herself, grabbing her by the shoulders. She looked up at him and reached to wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him to her in a passionate kiss.

He was so shocked, at first he just stood there, holding her shoulders and letting her kiss him. Then, he regained his senses and broke the kiss, pushing her away from him.

"Meloka!"

"What?"

"That was…" he was searching for what to say to her, "inappropriate. I am a married man!"

"She is not a wife to you."

He looked at her in shock. He let go of her shoulders and stepped back, "Meloka, that is none of your business. Besides, she is si…no, I am not going to make any excuses for her." He straightened, "Our life is our business. The only thing you need to know is that I love her dearly. And I know that she loves me."

"I do not believe she does."

"You do not know the Seven I know."

"I do not care to know her." She moved toward him, "I only care to know you. Doctor, I love you."

He stood, mouth agape. She reached for him again, but this time, he caught her by her arms and held her away from him, "Meloka, you are very nice and I like you, but, I love Seven. I know she does not feel anything for me right now, but I know she will again. I believe in her. I believe in our marriage." He tried as much as he could to give her a kind look, "I do not love you, Meloka. I love Seven."

She back away from him, and he saw hurt in her eyes. He studied them for a moment, "Meloka, you did not have these feelings when you came on Voyager. Something has changed." He narrowed his eyes, noticing the look in her hers, "What have you done?"

"I copied your emotional subroutines into my program."

"Meloka, that could have been dangerous," he was immediately concerned for her, "how could you be certain our programs were compatible?"

"I tested it before I did it. I knew there would not be a problem."

"And you do not think this is a problem?"

"I do not understand."

He gently turned her around and pushed her into his office, sitting her down in one of the chairs in front of his desk and pulled another chair up to sit in front of her, "Meloka, you just kissed me. That was an impetuous act. Your…new emotions took over control. That is not how it should work." He took her hands in his and smiled at her, "You should be more in control of your emotions, not the other way around."

"I do not feel out of control."

"Meloka, you have not had emotions long enough to know what you feel. You need to give yourself time to adapt to the new subroutines."

"But they work."

"I know they work, but emotional subroutines are different. You need to give yourself time to…work with them. You need to allow them to be activated slowly. It takes a little while to understand how and when they can be executed. It also takes a while to get used to them executing themselves. Emotions can run away from you." He gave her a sympathetic look, "Like they did a few minutes ago." He moved a little closer to her, "Meloka, my emotional subroutines were added slowly, over time, and very carefully. B’Elanna would test each routine completely before she would add it to my program." He looked at her, "You added them all at once, didn’t you?"

She nodded.

"I thought so. We need to have B’Elanna work with you. She can check your program and look to see if inserting my emotional subroutines have created any anomalies in it." He gave her an encouraging look, "Having emotions in your program might be a good thing."

She had an odd look on her face, "I do not like what I am experiencing right now. It is…disturbing."

"When you have emotional subroutines, you experience many such things. But disturbing feelings can be offset by feelings of happiness." He glanced over his shoulder at Otoro sleeping on the biobed, "And of love."

"But you said you do not love me."

"I was not talking about me."

"I do not understand."

"Meloka," he squeezed her hands, "I know you will probably find this hard to believe, but there is someone in your life who loves you."

She frowned and repeated herself, "I do not understand."

He smiled and spoke gently, "Otoro loves you."

She was genuinely shocked, "How is that? And how do you know?"

"Love cannot be explained, Meloka. I just know. I can see it in his eyes and in the way he is around you. He loves you dearly. He risked his life for you."

"But I love you."

"We share something. We are both holograms. That gives us a common base and a familiarity with each other that we cannot share with others. Sometimes, that leads to love. In our case, it can only lead to friendship. A special friendship, but that is all. I love Seven. I will always love Seven." He looked away from her, a sad look coming into his eyes, "Regardless of what happens with us, even if she never remembers me, I will never give up on our love for each other."

She sat, looking at his face, trying to understand everything she was feeling. It was so…confusing. Confusing. She knew what it meant, but she had never experienced it before. Now, she understood the word, and it was not comfortable. Comfortable. There was another word that meant something different to her. It was as if her program was looping and then abending. 

She looked over his shoulder toward the still figure of Otoro. Could it be possible? Could he truly love her? He had just always been there. What did she feel for him? She had never looked at him as anything other than the captain of the ship. But, she realized, he had always acted differently toward her. He spent time with her. She thought about their hours together, and she suddenly realized he had not treated her like a computer program. He had treated her like an equal. Like another being.

Then, he saw the look on her face, and he understood immediately. Standing, he pulled her up with him, "Come on, Meloka. Let’s go find B’Elanna. I think the two of you need to work on your program a little bit. She can help you. She is a wizard with hologram programs." He looked back at Otoro for a moment before continuing, "You might even have a few…personal questions you want to ask her."

"Personal questions?"

"Yes." He chuckled at the look on her face, "Just work with B’Elanna. I think you will figure things out."

Seven of Nine was pacing in circles in the cargo bay. She was absolutely furious. 

She had seen them.

She had been on her way into the sickbay for him to run another diagnostic. He had told her to come. As soon as the doors opened, she saw them, but they had been so engrossed in each other they had not even heard the doors swish open.

They were kissing.

At the memory of them kissing, she felt physically ill. 

How could he kiss that hologram and still claim he loved her? Was it a lie? Was everything he had told her a lie? She stopped. There was one person who would tell her the truth. She walked out of the cargo bay.

It only took her a few minutes to get to his quarters. She did not wait to be invited in. She accessed the control panel, overrode the security codes and let herself in. She stood in the center of the empty room, her eyes searching for him. Then, she heard the sonic shower. She walked into the bathroom and opened the door to the shower.

"I must talk to you."

Harry Kim looked at her in absolute shock. It took him a moment to realize it was her – and that he was naked. 

"Seven!" He reached past her for his towel and quickly wrapped it around him, "What are you doing here? How did you get in?"

"I let myself in. I must talk with you."

He finally saw the look on her face and knew something was terribly wrong. He reached out with one hand and placed it on her shoulder, pushing her back enough to give himself room to get out of the shower. With the other hand, he was holding tightly to the towel. "What’s wrong, Seven?"

He watched as a number of emotions crossed her face and saw that she was fighting for control, "Is it all a lie?"

"What?"

"Is my marriage to the Doctor a lie? Has everyone been lying to me?"

"A lie? No. You are married to the Doctor."

"But he does not really love me."

"What?" Harry was totally confused. 

"The Doctor does not really love me."

"No, he loves you. Why are you questioning that?" She looked deeply into his eyes, and he could see that she was confused, angry and hurt. Still holding tightly to his towel, he turned her around and walked her into the living area. "Let’s sit down here and talk." He sat down next to her on the sofa, "Now tell me what is going on."

She took a deep breath, "I went to the sickbay for my checkup…."

When she paused, he encouraged her, "And?"

"And, they were kissing."

"Who was kissing?"

"The Doctor and Meloka."

It took him a second to comprehend what she had just said. "The Doctor and Meloka were kissing?"

"Yes." Her voice was furious.

"Are you sure?"

"I know what I saw."

"Maybe you misunderstood what you saw."

"She had her arms around his neck and he was holding her. They were kissing." She saw the look in his eyes, "On the mouth." She added for emphasis. "They did not even hear the doors of the sickbay open." She took another deep breath, "He does not love me. He loves her. Everything I have been told is a lie. That is why I cannot remember."

"Seven, no." He took her hand, "No one has lied to you. The Doctor loves you. I don’t know what you saw, but you should not doubt the Doctor’s love for you." He saw the look in her eyes. What she had seen had hurt her deeply and he had to fight to control his anger. She had been through so much. How could the Doctor do this to her? He closed his eyes for a moment, the look in her face causing him pain. He wanted so much to reach out to her.

She saw it. She needed…comfort. At this moment, she felt such an emptiness. She reached for him.

But, he grabbed her arms, stopping her, "No, Seven. It cannot be like that right now. We are both too emotional. You are angry and I would not be able to stop myself. It would be something we would both regret."

Her eyes went vacant, "You are rejecting me?"

"No. I would never reject you. But I have to stop you. I have to stop us."

She looked away from him, "This is a lie. It is all a lie."

"No. It is not a lie."

She looked back at him, her eyes confused, "Then love me."

He smiled at her, "I do, Seven. I do love you. And that is why I will not allow you to act out of anger and pain. That would not be an act of love."

She looked at him, and he watched as she seemed to deflate, her hand going to her forehead. "I cannot understand this."

"Seven, you stay here. Let me go see if I can find out what is going on." He put his hand to her face and pulled it up to look at him, "Promise me you will stay here."

She nodded and he stood, holding carefully to his towel. Giving her a smile, he walked into his bedroom to dress. She watched him go, noticing the curve of the small of his back, something in her stirring, almost compelling her to follow him. The picture of him in the shower, the power of his shoulders, came back to her. A desire for him started to grow strong in her. But something in her was fighting back.

Her head started to pound, and she dropped it into her hands.