Fair reader, be forewarned: this ad review contains references to penises.

Arguably the most revolting ads on television lately are those for penis-growth products. Now, they never refer to penises, and rarely make a claim about growth, but they are, in a word, suggestive. They are suggestive in the way that being hit in the head with a two-by-four is suggestive.

Their shared feature is painfully see-through euphemism. The ad inspiring my title never elaborates on what the "special part" may be, but the woman who says it in a head shot increasingly raises her eyebrows at you. She wants to make sure you're in on the joke, I guess. It's nasty, but the others are uglier.

The ads for Encyte (I believe that's the one) featuring the anachronistically marked "Bob" are practically self-parodying. The continuous series of bad puns, cheap sight gags and transparent euphemisms might be meant to be humorous, especially in the context of "Bob" and the missus and their friends coming directly from Leave it to Beaver (presumably another of the producers' coy allusions). But I can't see these things without feeling queasy.

First, there's the fact that none of the people in them is the slightest bit sexually attractive. This again is part of the design - cuz, ya see, anybody can benefit from the product.

There's also the idiotic grins on the faces of "Bob" and the missus. They're symbolic, you know, of, you know, you know? How cute.

Then there's the implication that the only thing separating heterosexual couples from connubial bliss is the size of poor Willy. Well, that's obvious, isn't it? Years of little injuries and insults matter not; being insensitive or insensate is no obstacle, nor is plain mechanical ineptitude. Sexuality, marital happiness, life accomplishment are reduced to one dimension. (Additionally, from the ads one might infer that gay men are indifferent toward or perfectly satisfied with the general run of penis sizes - a claim I know from several trustworthy sources to be entirely false.)

While on a psychoanalytic level this could have a certain satisfying ring to it, the producers of these ads are approaching the symbolism with astonishing gracelessness and absence of wit. One feels sure that if they could have gotten away with it on prime time, the ads would be indistinguishable from present-day "gross out" teen sex comedies. That says something rather unpleasant about what the producers think of most American adults' sexual maturity. I suppose they could be right, but I hope not.

But I think what most irritates me about them is the phrase "natural male enhancement." Like the imagery, it's an elbow-jab-to-the-ribs of a hint. Perhaps it's the only way they can make the claim. "This makes your penis bigger" is an objectively (if intimately) verifiable proposition that could obligate the corporation to live up to their dubious claims. But I suspect the choice of words is to follow through with their insipid euphemizing and their reduction of male endeavor to (pardon a euphemism of my own, but I think it's funny) swordsmanship.

It's also really terribly sad to me to imagine - I don't know, millions? - of men out there, suffering from either vague or quite specific feelings of inadequacy, being fed this cheap tawdry come-on. There's a worldful of hopeless despair and bruised, bent, and broken souls. I don't think I've met a man with any sense at all who didn't harbor a deep lack of self-confidence. Upon this do these ads prey - gnawing on bloodied egos.

Addendum. Jim "The Most Optimistic Man in America" Williams has noted that, in his view, I've neglected a most salient aspect of the Encyte ads, namely, that it could also be an ad for methamphetamine. Well, the don't look like any of our local cranksters (the folks in the ads have teeth, e.g.), but perhaps.