Surely the worst ad campaign on the tube today (since the long-hoped-for
demise of the Clear Eyes ads) is the series for the Fox Family Channel.
Its failings are legion, which brings us to today's offering:
How Not To Advertise
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For a spokesperson, choose someone either unattractive physically or who
has a mousy, whiny, screechy (or inarticulate, mumbling, monotonous) voice.
Make sure this spokesperson absolutely dominates the ad, especially if
he or she gives an unwatchably frantic (or dull) performance. One possibility
is to have your spokesperson appear so ecstatic about the product that
she can't sit still or say what it is. Then she'll have to correct herself,
begin again, frustrate herself once more, then finally give up any hope
of explaining herself - all this while leaping from place to place, with
the crazed energy of a trapped animal. (Alternative method: have your spokesman
stand in place while reciting with the passionlessness of the catatonic.)
-
Emphasize this horrible audiovisual spectacle by voiding the background.
For instance, put nothing in the shot except the flitting, flopping (or
stock still) creature and a single piece of furniture, such as an upholstered
chair or a chalkboard.
-
Further emphasize these qualities with clever camera work. Shoot the spokesperson
from multiple angles; mix tight close-ups with distant shots; scramble
together 70 or 80 brief cuts in a 30-second ad. Brighten the colors and
flood the shot with waaaaaay too much light. More than that. No, even more,
I don't care if you're already wearing sunglasses. (Alternatively, use
only one not particularly good camera angle, and make it dim and colorless.)
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Marshall McLuhan said, "the medium is the message." Your message is: gjkn^*5Bjjjjjj.
Make sure you get that across, by having the spokesperson say an awful
lot about &24jk*nbsdfa+. One option is to repeat, ad nauseum, the words
"gjkn^*5Bjjjjjj" and "&24jk*nbsdfa+." Another is to insist that &24jk*nbsdfa+
m,cvbw&%sd90) ~jqfsdL{[sdf*9 Mksa)^b3425.
-
Buy air time when your target audience is bound to be watching, or better
yet, bound and gagged and under threat of extreme mayhem. TV news time,
during the Letterman show, between segments of Montel, halftime at the
Arenabowl, Dateline Monday, Dateline Thursday, Dateline Sunday, Dateline
Tuesday, Dateline Friday, Dateline Wednesday, Dateline Saturday, 20/20.
The purpose of flooding the airwaves with your ads is to build up an attitude
towards your product; in the usual case, the goal is to create good will
and to reinforce your ad's theme.
In this way, you will indelibly stain the minds of millions, who will be
overwhelmed by your campaign, entranced by its entertainment value and
pointed message, and will become powerless to stop themselves from doing
your bidding. We'll gjkn^*5Bjjjjjj ourselves silly.
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