WASAHINGTON - According to a report released by a special Federal Election Commission Advisory Board on Senate Hearings, hearings held by Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) and the Commerce Committee into marketing practices of entertainment companies are "clearly meant to appeal to mid-to-upper income white suburbanites."

The report was commissioned by President Clinton in response to concerns that the Senate had failed to respond to the post-Columbine demands of suburban Americans that their white children be made safe at school. In a study of multiple Senate hearings taking place in the 17 months since the shooting on April 20, 1999, the Board found that the Senate had met and exceeded the demand for public expressions of outrage, consternation, and scapegoating.

"I wish to commend the Senate on its fine record of casting blame and anger at widely mistrusted organizations, both public and private," said President Clinton at a White House press conference after the report was released. "It goes to show what we can accomplish when we work together - Congress and the Administration."

The Board's report noted the successful results of Senate hearings on guns, violent movies and video games, goth music, school safety, social cliques, school uniforms, and corporal punishment. "No significant policy changes were made in light of literally tons of Senate testimony. After some 7,100 hours of hearings, Senators emerged with a plausible record of pursuing the desires of constituents for quick, decisive, futile action." Senators were able to gain political stature without having to achieve any measureable change in social or economic conditions or meaningfully address issues of juvenile crime or public safety.

One significant finding, noted in section six of the report, "Adhering to Knee-Jerk Reactions of Suburbanites," was that the Senate hearings offered no rational analysis of any of their putative subjects. In a hearing on School Violence, for instance, the report finds "the Committee entered into its record statistics showing a dramatic overall decrease in on-campus violence over the last decade, yet maintained through testimony that violence was on the rise." The board called this finding "a model for parroting the uninformed opinions and prejudices of a powerful constituency."

According to Ron Kraft, head of the Advisory Board, the committee hearings "consistently maintained the preconceptions of suburb-dwellers that the social problems they experience are caused by some kind of invading force. Reinforcing these beliefs is necessary to preserving the suburban quality of life." Kraft said that the Board based its definition of suburban life on the work of several prominent academic social researchers. That definition included grossly exaggerated assessments of risks and rates of crime, abject fear of anything unlike themselves, and nearly perfect ignorance of democratic processes and principles. "And they're mostly white," Kraft added, drawing a chuckle from the press.

Recent Commerce Committee hearings on marketing R-rated movies to teens won special praise from the Board. "Since any law restricting movie makers and advertisers would be challenged on First Amendment grounds, this hearing could never have had any practical upshot for legislation or policy."

McCain was pleased at the report. "It's good to know our efforts are making an impact. But we shouldn't allow ourselves to rest until we've nailed (Motion Picture Association of America President) Jack Valenti's balls to a chair."