November 7 - In a closely contested battle for the Presidency Tuesday, voters selected a white male heterosexual Christian. The next President, winning on a narrow margin, will continue the remarkable run of consecutive Presidential elections won by straight white Christian men.

The white, pro-death-penalty, pro-military candidate edged out his opponent by very few percentage points. Campaign spokesmen were "happy and relieved" that the white man won.

According to Northeastern Unviersity political scientist Herb Pollak, this is the 43rd U.S. Presidential election won by a white man - a record surpassing South Africa. "Clearly, white men have had an incredible run of good fortune winning elections. You'd almost think the elections were tilted in their favor, except that in our system of representative democracy the people's choices are sovereign, and there is no institutional obstacle to someone other than a white Christian man being elected."

Pollak was hesitant to confirm whether all 43 white male Presidents have been heterosexual, noting presistent rumors about Woodrow Wilson.

The non-white, non-heterosexual, non-Christian, anti-death-penalty anti-military buildup vote is estimated to have been 0.0002%, down from 0.00035% in 1996. Final vote tallies could revise these estimates as much as +/- 4%, (to a range of 0.000192% to a high of 0.000208%).

Delores Trumble, spokesperson of Citizens Committee to Elect Black Lesbian Communists, said she was "heartened" by the results. "The trend towards white heterosexual pro-capitalist male Presidents has continued, but the voters are clearly showing their openness to a wide range of policies and candidates."

Trumble's sentiments were echoed by many observers. George F. Will noted, during ABC's live election coverage, that the 2000 election reaffirms that America represents "the last, best hope for the world's white men and other people." On CBS, James Carville noted that the election of a 43rd white male President is "good for white guys and good for you other guys too. The last thing we need is some division of our society between straight white guys and everybody else."

Indeed, the only groups that voiced negative reactions to the results were America's weak-willed, vicious, cowardly enemies. In a press release, the Organization of Rogue Nations decried the President-elect as "a threat" to their existence. According to the ORN statement, "Now that America has re-asserted its virility in this election, we can only cower in fear. Please don't kill us."

The American Heritage Society noted that the ORN's reaction was typical of "the immoral and gutless regimes that are not led by godfearing white men." Their statement went on to accuse Saddam Hussein's mustache of being "fruity."

The President-elect was circumspect regarding the numerous details to be worked out in the transition to the next Administration. But he added that before the work, it was time to enjoy the moment and celebrate, though "certainly not in some gay way."

The Election was held November 7.