With less than a week remaining in the 2000 Presidential Election, Vice President Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush are working almost around the clock. Both candidates have narrowed their campaigns to swing states and to key issues.

Campaigning in Illinois, Governor Bush told a crowd of supporters he is "up-peat and confidenth" that he would win at the polls. "I've been in all the impordant states," Bush said, "Ohio, Inebriation, California."

In response to nagging concerns that the Bush campaign is short on substance, the GOP candidate responded scornfully. "Don't you question my record of achievement in the State of Texas." The Governor defended his Texas record, which includes achieving a patient's bill of rights by allowing it to become law without his signature, reforming Texas education by requiring testing, and assuring that only justifiably convicted capital criminals will be executed by sharply limiting appeals.

Bush replied to more questions about the veracity of his claims about his Social Security plan. Reporters asked how the amount in the fund could remain the same if, as per Bush's plan, workers did not pay into the fund. Bush scoffed at the issue, "that's just fuzzy math! Don't you question my record of adding and subtracting in the State of Texas!"

Bush continues to assert that the campaign is really not about issues, but about "character." When reporters asked him to show the superiority of his character or integrity compared to Al Gore, the candidate shot back, "Don't you question my character in the State of Texas!"

Left without any evidence that Bush is qualified for the job of President, or that his policies would benefit most Americans, or would even be practicable, reporters turned to the Gore campaign. Gore has been hampered from the beginning of the race by lingering voter dismay over President Clinton's ethical blunders. Speaking to a group of supporters in Michigan, Gore seemed to be introducing a new effort to distance himself from Clinton.

"My opponent, whose name is such vile treachery even to speak that I dare not, and which I prevent anyone on my staff from even whispering, lest I smite them - and then, they shall feel my wrath!" Gore said. Calming himself, he continued: "My opponent has made this campaign a referendum on the last 8 years. Well, tell me this, folks, have you seen your President get more tail in the last 8 years?!"

The crowd seemed visibly deflated by Gore's outburst, but the candidate pressed onward. "In a Gore administration, you can be sure of one thing. Now I know this is a sensitive topic, so I'm going to try to use sensitive language - though perhaps my opponent wouldn't understand it." Gore paused 4 seconds for the crowd to laugh before continuing. "What I'm talking about is fellatio. Now, we've heard a lot of numbers and a lot of talk from that other guy, but let me be perfectly clear. A vote for Al Gore is a vote for fellatio!"

As the crowd began to disperse, Gore shouted again. "And let me tell you something else - a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote against fellatio!"

Officials of the Gore campaign claimed not to be disappointed by the rally, even though the crowd left before a scheduled appearance by Tipper Gore.

Meanwhile, in Oakland, Green Party candidate Ralph Nader spoke to a sold-out auditorium full of 12,000 supporters. Nader spoke for 2 hours without notes and only sipping water once. During his speech, Nader claimed the election was a fraud, and that voters were being "hoodwinked by the major party candidates." Nader urged the crowd to vote their "consciences, rather than for the lesser of two evils."

In press interviews later, however, Nader was forced to admit that he has virtually no chance of winning the election. "But I don't care about that," Nader claimed. "I'm only doing this because Nike promised me a $60,000 endorsement deal. You see, I'm not just running for President, I'm actually running for President!" With that, Nader lifted the leg of his off-the-rack $70 suit to reveal a brand-new Nike basketball shoe. "Air Naders," he explained.

The Election will be held November 7.