My dearest John... 

I'm writing to tell you I'm moving on.  I sat on our balcony today and looked out over the city of Salem for the last time.  I stopped off at Salem Place for the last time on my way home from my last day at University Hospital and bought my last outfit at Ballstix and drank my last cup of coffee at Java Cafe.

I at at Tuscany for lunch and I just finished my last carry-out meal from Chez Vous.  Two of our favorites.  Funny how all the waiters there know us as a couple.  They all ask of you when I am there alone, or with friends, or colleagues.  They do not understand.  No one does, not even me.  So, I will not be surprised if you feel the same.  But we have all felt it was to come. 

Too much has happened that I can not forget.  I forgive you, John, but I shall never forget.  The sights of Salem dredge too many memories that I would rather let lie.  I do not really know where I am going, but it will not be near.  I will call my children and send for them when they can visit.  Now that they are all older, they do not require my guidance on a daily basis.  I know they still need me, and I will be there for them when that time comes.  But for now, I'm moving on.

I do not know what to say other than to say I've had a good life.  Even in spite of the bad.  It's ironic.  Stefano was the reason we met, and he tried his damnedest to tear us apart and failed time after time.  Yet your lies and betrayal were what broke us up.  I never imagined we would part by our own hands.  But we have and I must move on.

I would be lying if I said I never loved you.  I have loved you from the moment I first saw you.  And I probably will until I die.  I know you do not understand then why I must leave.  As I said before, neither do I.  My heart is leading me away from this place.  Away from you.  Maybe one day I shall return, but I do not imagine that time will come soon.  I know you would have preferred that I at least take the jet.  Well, I know it's partially mine, but it just doesn't seem right.  I need to start my journey on my own.  I have packed as much as I can carry alone on my journey and when I settle, I will send for the rest.  If that time seems to last forever and you grow tired of holding on to them, you have my permission to do with them as you wish. 

I hope you do not mind... I took our wedding picture.  The one that sat on the dresser.  I always liked it because of the image of our wedding bands that lit up the foreground.  It truly is a shame that those bands don't mean what they used to.  I hate what has happened to us.  I know that you had no control over sleeping with Hope.  But you had full control when you chose to lie to me.

There for a while, we had everything worked out, but you just could not let it go, John.  You could not let go of J.T.  I knew you wanted to be a father to him.  I know you, John.  I know that look in your eyes whenever you saw him.  It was the same look you bore whenever you saw Belle when she was a baby.  You wanted so badly for her to be yours because of your love for me.  I believe you when you say you do not love Hope, but I have grown tired of your yearning for her child.  That is something that you will never abandon.  Ironically, that is one of the many reasons why I love you so much.

It almost pains me to say this, but I have needs too.  And those needs have been put aside for far too long.  So, that is why I'm moving on.  I understand that with my leaving, I am leaving behind the best friend I've ever had.  And by extension, the best lover I've ever had.  There's no denying, we truly were our best when we were together.

But something inside me has changed, and I suspect something within you has changed, too.  We wouldn't be in this predicament if it hadn't.  Even now that we know J.T. is not your son, the damage has been done.  I'm sorry that I'm leaving without saying a last goodbye to you, but we both know where that would lead us.  I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking that if we did have one last goodbye, and I eventually stayed, then that is what was meant to be.  But I don't see it that way, John.  I only see that I would melt in your arms and in the blue of your eyes, and I would be lost.  Lost to you.  Lost to me.  I wouldn't be any good to either of us like that.  That is why I must go without saying goodbye.  We both know it could not be done any other way.  And who knows... if we don't get to say goodbye, is it really goodbye?

I love you, my dearest, John.  I love you with the depths of my soul to the core of my heart.  Till we meet again...

Marlena