Baby
I get so scared inside, and I don't really understand
Is it love that's on my mind, or is it fantasy?

She still loved John, but could no longer differentiate between her love for him and her desire for revenge.  Marlena had gone out in search of someone to help with her revenge.  Unbeknownst to her, she would find comfort in the arms of her boss, Dr. Craig Wesley.  Craig had been infatuated with the blonde beauty since the day he first met her, although his attraction did not fully develop until he and his wife divorced and Marlena began working later hours trying to distance herself from John.

At first it was smiles in the hallway.  Those led to pop-in visits in each other's offices.  Next, came lunch dates.  Then John's worst nightmare came true.  She stopped by Craig's office one evening when they were both working late.  Attractions could no longer be fought.  They gave in to their sexual desires as he took her on his desk.  It was ravenous and sleazy.  Their relationship, although purely sexual, ended after their first encounter.  Marlena had gotten what she set out to achieve; John was devastated.

Heaven
Is in the palm of my hand, and it's waiting here for you
What am I supposed to do with a childhood tragedy?

John had been fighting Stefano for as long as he could remember, for the reason that he couldn't remember.  Stefano had stolen John's childhood, his life, his parents, his memories.  And his dream was to one day defeat him.  Weeks after Marlena's sexual rendezvous, John found a diary that belonged to a doctor that worked for Stefano.  In it, were the details to Stefano's latest plan to tear their families apart.  John and Hope had never been together.  The memories of the events on the submarine were implanted in John and Hope's minds by a Dr. Rolf.  John had found the evidence he needed to save his family and beat Stefano.  Or did he?

Marlena couldn't breathe.  They stood only feet apart in their bedroom as he delivered this news to her.  Under any other circumstances, they would have been thrilled.  And in a way, they were.  But the reality of the situation she found herself in was beating her down.  For she now had to live with the guilt of giving herself willingly to another man.  Now only one of them had been unfaithful.

The angry words had begun and John and Marlena stood helplessly looking at each other.  Neither of them knowing what else to say, and neither of them wanting to say it.  The air had never felt so cold.  John could no longer gauge his anger and Marlena had cried enough tears to last a lifetime.  Her eyes were swollen and red and drained of the life that once dwelled there.

If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?

"I want you out," John so coldly stated.  More tears streamed down Marlena's face as she shook her head in disbelief.  Disbelief that her life had spun so out of control.  Disbelief that her husband was throwing her out of their home.  A home they had made together.  Many passionate nights had been shared there.  Nights when John and Marlena knew no one else existed.

The fighting seemed to last a thousand lifetimes.  Thank goodness Belle and Brady were out for the evening.  No child should have to witness the things John yelled at his wife.  And their children should not have to know what their mother thought next.  After the vivid images of their time together elapsed, Marlena reached into John's bedside table and pulled from it a shiny object.

Sometimes
It's hard to hold on
So hard to hold on to my dreams
It isn't always what it seems
When you're face to face with me

John pleaded with his wife to put the gun down; to not threaten him with her life.  He was at fault for loving her.  He had no real memory of who he was and that was a gamble that he had taken too lightly with her.  He was a risk to her well being.  He had always feared it, and now the moment had come.  The moment when he caused her so much pain that she would snap.  So much had been asked of her.  It was her who had to accept her husband with another woman.  And yet it was her who could not.  Instead, she found herself trading in her understanding for the warmth of another man's body.  It gave her self-made satisfaction.  An illusionist, she was not.

"I have never deserved your love, Marlena, but yet you gave it to me.  You made me believe that I was worthy enough to have the love of a woman.  To be able to not only hold her in a sexual embrace, but to really feel her in my soul.  You've always been that woman to me, Doc.  But I let you down.  Not Stefano.  I did it," he begged.

You're like a dagger
And stick me in the heart
And taste the blood from my blade
And when we sleep, would you shelter me
In your warm and darkened grave?

She lifted the gun to him, "I should waste your sorry ass right now instead of pulling my own trigger," she spat.  "Tell me... do you think soul mates are allowed to be together when one of them decides their fate?"  She stared down the barrel, seeing John staring right back at her holding his ground.

"You have on more than one occasion caused me pain, John Black.  I never thought you had the power to push me to such lengths.  I was unfaithful, not you.  I was.  I could end it all right here in the blink of an eye.  Whose eyes will it be that close, John?" 

If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?

John felt his gut twist as he looked into the bottomless pit of the barrel.  He could not believe his eyes.  The woman whose heart he broke had become so bitter.  She no longer turned to him with her dreams and desires.  The need for another man's arms was what drove her.  That drive led her to willingly betray her husband, her best friend. 

Will you ever take me?
No, I just can't take the pain

"You said you could not forgive me, John.  Is that still true while this gun is in my hand?"  Marlena demanded an answer that John could not give.  The way he saw it, was his wife had fucked another man in her desire to level the playing field.  The images of that man's hands on her body as he thrust into his wife made John's muscles tense and his heart ache.  The prideful man within him wondered if her sordid lover satisfied her.

But would you ever trust me?
No, I'll never feel the same, Oh

Marlena was cold and almost unfeeling, "You would be a hypocrite if you took me back now.  And if you lie to me, I may still blow your head off."  John knew he had to think fast if he was going to get through to her.  And what he had to say to save her was something that up till this point, he had not been able to admit to himself. 

"Doc... I know Craig Wesley meant nothing to you.  I know you do not love him.  I know that he was merely a pawn in your scheme to make me feel like shit for what happened.  I understand why you did what you did," he could barely get the words out, not because he was scared for himself, but because he was scared for her.  Even at this moment, he was concerned for her emotions and how she would feel if she had to live with his death on her hands.

"Don't lie to me, John Black.  Is that really how you feel?"  "Yes, it is.  And I also understand that you love me.  And I love you with every bit of my being," he pleaded.  "You obviously didn't love me enough to work things out, to forgive me.  You just told me to get the hell out of our home!  So I'm supposed to believe that... what?... you've... come around?  Yeah, I'll say.  It's fucking amazing what a gun to your head will do."

I know I've been so hard on you
I know I've told you lies
If I could have just one more wish
I'd wipe the cobwebs from my eyes

She spoke softly, "I was blinded by my anger.  That I know.  But you will never love me the same again.  And that I can not live with."  "So you would rather die?  You are willing to give up your life?  Your children will grow up without their mother and you're okay with it?  That is not the Marlena I know," he stated.

"Yeah well, that Marlena died when you fucked another woman!"  John yelled out forgetting he was in point blank range, "But it didn't really happen!"  "Which is why we're standing here in the goddamn situation we're in now!  But we all thought it was true, John.  We all thought that you and Hope had betrayed your true loves," her voice then lowered to an unnerving tone, "Revenge is bitter sweet.  I don't recommend it."

"Doc, sweetheart... just give me the gun and this nightmare will be over.  We will learn to accept what happened together.  I am speaking from my heart when I tell you... I forgive you.  You were hurt, you were angry, and you were  betrayed, not just by my infidelity, but by my lies.  I won't minimize the pain that I caused you.  I only wish you had had faith in me, in our marriage."

He continued, "But you're human, just like the rest of us.  And I fucked up royally enough to screw up everyone's train of thought.  I lied to you.  I know that is what ultimately hurt you.  That I was with another woman and I fucking kept it from you!  But it's all over now.  The truth is out.  And you got your wish.  I'm feeling the betrayal that you carried for so long.  And yet... I do not blame you for it.  I forgive you, Doc.  Give me the gun," he said as he carefully outstretched his hand.

If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?

He stopped any advances he was planing to make when she turned the gun to her head, "But if I just pull the trigger... all of this mess will no longer exist for me."  John's stomach tightened as he heard the hollow echo of a bullet.  Blinded by the smoke and dizzying feeling, he could not tell who had received the dreaded shot.  Had she taken her own breath, or turned the gun on John once again? 

Close your eyes
Close your eyes
You gotta close your eyes for me