Playlets
Romeo
unt Juliet
Vonce upon A time in de fair city of Duelcildorf
dere lived two nice Bavarian families... De Capulets unt the Montagues.
They did not like each other, no vone knows vhy. Dey just vanted to cut
each other up unt make veinna schneizel out of each other . Rumour had
it, dat Hier Capulet stole Hier Montague's ravishing lepchin, frauline
Gretta avay from him. Dis got him very angry, so angry dat Hier Montague
snuck into Hier Capulat's vedding unt ran through it naked, showing Fraline
Gretta vat she vould be missing. After that, she never looked at Hier
Capulet vithout crying.
All the children vere still upset, dey thumb their noses and talked not
to anyvon associated vith the uther family. No talk, just fight each other
vhenwver dey come in contact.
Vell, tings started to get heavy vhen Hier Montague's son Romeo and his
goot friends Benvolio, Mercrucio and Ludwig decided to crash this big
gala given by the Capulets.
Den Vhat do you know, Romeo spots the Capulet fraulein, Juliet, unt says...
"Va-Va-Va -Voom, vat a frauline!
Unt She says..
Vow! Vhat a beefcake I vould like to prestadigitate vith him!
Vell, guess vhat happens, Ya Dat's right, the balcony scene and dey find
out it's more than just lust at first sight. Dey like each other! You
know vhat that means... You have trouble.! Vell, Dey don't know vhat to
do, but with the advice of Juliet's nurse, Frau Snoopermiser unt the local
priest, Friar Gustav Lawrence, who is incidently into dealing drugs.
Vould you like some snuff as he snorts
Come here Little Boy let me sell you magic dust!
You have to forgive the "Little Boy" part but he's a priest
after all.
It's a pure as the snow on the thighs of Swiss Virgins.
Vith his help and a little help from the snuff ... Dey figure out Vhat
they should do... get married.
Anyhow, right after the Vedding ceremony, Vhich was pretty cheesey like
limburger if you ask me, no flowers, no horse unt carriage, just the I
do's and dat's it. Romeo is valking on cloud sixty-nine , tinking of his
vedding night vhen he discovers his goot friend Mercrutio fightin with
Juliet's cousin vith an attitude, Tybalt. Also known as the Prince of
Cats.
Yeah, I'm The Prince of Pussy, Fraulines call me Tender Vittles.
Romeo snorts offers some snuff to Tybalt makes a peace sign
Peace, Brother Tybalt ve can be veel goot friends now.
Not a Got Idea. Tybalt vanted to cut up Romeo un tiny bits unt feed him
to his pet cat after he saw him flirtin' vith his cousin at the gala.
Unt Romeo, such a dunkoff, tries riddling vith him,
There vas an old man from Frankfort who like to play with his ...
Not that kind of riddle Dunkoff!
Oh, There ist no need for us to hate unt vant to pulverize each other
any more, Guess Vhy?
But Tybalt couldn't give cat's tuch. Anyvay, Mercutio ends up vorm's meat,
as he puts it because Mr. Smarty Pants Romeo gets in the vay trying to
break up the fight.
Vell, needless to say Romeo is bull because his comrade ist killed unt
he gets revenge. That's vight, he slices Tybalt to pieces. Then it dawns
on him that he just killed his beloved's cousin unt he gets pretty depressed.
But Benvolio unt Ludwig get him out of the picture so Hier Prince, who
I really think ist the gustapo makes his entrance.
Unt he says:
Heil! Dunkkoffs Papers! Have you your Papers? Vhat ist going on?
Unt Everybody says
"Nothing, I no Nothin, Absulutely Nothing!"
It did not work in Neuremburg it vill not vork here! Vhat are these things
dirtying up the fair streets of Dusseldorf. Pick them up unt throw dem
in the oven.
Two men approach
Ya, we will just follow your orders. Heil! Heir Prince!
They pick up the bodies and leave.
Achtung Capulet! Achtung Montague! Dis mess ist all your fault!
Heir Capulet unt Heir Montague play dumb
Duh! I didn't do anything
Duh! Ah! Me either.
But the Village people ...
They break into YMCA
Not those Village People! Dunkoffs! Go back to your places!
Oh sorry
The village people had vatched the fight intensely, nibbling on popcorn
unt peanuts unt vere able to give the Prince un idea of vant happened.
He decides to banish Romeo from Duelcildorph. No big deal, but vhen Romeo
and Juliet find out about dis dey get all bent out of shape. I mean if
it vere me I'd be happy be banished to Hamburg, it's a nice place unt
the next town over . But dey didn't see it that vay.
Anyhow, Juliet vas very bull at Romeo about slicing Tybalt to Friskies
Gourmet Delight.
You dirty bastard! (pound poundI, kiss kiss) I forgive you!
But she got over it unt they had a romantic Honeymoon night vith Romeo
in her bouidwa.
He departs to Hamburg unt the a.m. unt they agree to communicate through
the priest, vhich ended up being pretty stupid idea.
Then Juliets mamma comes unt tells her :
Listen, you spoiled little brat! You're now 14, you're moving out and
you vill marry Paris - tommorow.
Juliet says:
That vimp! I'm not marrying him! Because I'm already, oops!
(och she almost slipped)
Realising Dey don't know about lover boy Romeo. She knows vat Frau Capulet
says goes, unt bellyaches to the nurse who tells her
"Be a bigamist. You'll love it, I know I vould!
Den she sees the Priest who comes up vith dis genius plan to give her
a drug to put herself to sleep unt disguse herself as dead. He'll send
a messenger to tell Romeo vhere unt when to vake her up. The vere ist
in the family cript. So she has to lie around a bunch of died people,
Gross me out! Anyvay, von't you just know Ludwid, tells Romeo
"Juliets ist died."
So he gets dissapointed unt buys poison to do himself in, unt goes to
say " auf fetisane" to Juliet. He never gets the dunkoff priests
message. So after dey have a funeral for Juliet unt everyone goes home,
Heir Paris, the vinner her parents tried stick her vith, decides he vants
to say "auf fetisane" too. Vell, he unt Romeo meet. Romeo manages
to bump him off before he says "auf Fetisane" and bumps off
himself too. Den Juliet vakes up unt discovers Romeo unt Paris, her backup
in case Romeo dies, dead. She gets veal depressed unt gives Romeo a kiss,
dakes his dagger unt stabs herself right in the chest, needless to say
she dies. Den the priest returns vith the families unt dey all get depressed
unt say
"Vat a Bummer!"
Dey realize that if they hadn't fought all dis time maybe thier kids vould
have been normal and gotten tired of each other, like most teenagers.
But no, Puppy love! Anyvay, it vas too late for that, but dey decided
to bury the proverbial hatchet. Unt that's how it ends. So, its not veally
a happy ending but I don'tt know, maybe Shakespeare vas trying to say
something. I don't know, I know nothing!
Hamlet The Melancholy Dane Blues
There
vonce vas a Mate in old Denmark’s Time
whose life fell out of sorts
His Father had died und left his side
His Mother remarried Kinfolk
.
Now Hamlet’s Dad vas pretty mad
He was Murdered by His Brother
This made the melancholy dane
Insane and Mad as a Hatter
Now first he snubbed Ophelia
und then he killed her Pa-Pa
He put on a play to sleal a
Glimpse of old Uncle-Paw Claude.
He Chickened out at first to kill
His Uncle while he was prayin
He decided then to get his fill
When Ma and uncle were playin
Now Rosencranz und Gildenstern
were Hamlet’s tattling School chums
But Hamlet was to smart for dem
and they got killed the bums
And Ophelia, Poor Ophelia,
She ended up waterlogged
its hard to say what did her in
Dads death or Hamlets monolouges
Now Leartes her brother
vas pissed and should have been so
His dad had been killed by Hamlet
His sister had been Ham’s bethrothed
Now Hamlet really lost it
He talked to the skull of an old friend
And Laertes then said that’s it
I’ll get the bum in the end
Now Leartes und Claudius
Plotted a plan to poison Hamlet
They Lanced His sword and fixed his drink
and hoped he wouldn’t put up a stink
Now a duel is fought between the boys
in a nice fun-loving vay
The Queen in celebration
Drank all Hamlets poison avay
Then
Hamlet then killed Claudius
and Laertes dies as well
And Hamlet oh poor Hamlet
He dies saying I die oh Svell!
Here’s the moral of the story
Evertone dies in the end
So go and tell your kinfolk
Never steal a mother or lend
Da Da Da Da Da Da Da
Dat’s the story of Hamlet the Dane!
