A
Day in the Amyrlin's
Life Date:1999-02-22
13:17:09
Once
upon a time there
was a really nice
Aes Sedai, named
Kathana Justinia
Trevalaer. She was a
wonderful person,
the nicest and
kindest and sweetest
and prettiest and
not at all
delusional. She was
actually quite wacky
and probably should
have been locked up
awhile ago. Some how
this wacky Aes Sedai
was raised Amyrlin.
No one could figure
it out. Maybe it was
a slow day and the
Hall needed some
entertainment. Maybe
they thought she was
the most qualified.
Nah, they probably
were bored.
Anyways,
one day as she was
doing Amyrlinish
things in her study,
someone knocked on
her door. It was
Chissa, her Keeper.
Chissa sometimes
felt like more of a
Zoo Keeper than a
Keeper of the
Chronicles, because
of the shenanigans
she was forced to
deal with from
Kathana and some of
the other Aes Sedai.
"Mother,
there is some one
downstairs you need
to see."
The
Amyrlin looked up
from the game of
Cats Cradle she was
playing.
"Really? A
visitor? For me?
Wow!"
"Yes,
Mother." said
the long-suffering
Keeper. "He's
rather important, so
you might want to
hurry."
Going
downstairs to the
main Hall, the
Amyrlin saw a man
clutching a broken
bit of spear and
talking to himself.
"No!
We can't kill them
all right now. We
might need them. And
who's this Ilyena
chick anyways? She
sounds hot..."
"Um
Chissa, who's this
fruitcake?"
With
a heavy sigh, Chissa
said, "Mother,
I have the honor of
presenting to you
the Lord of the
Morning, the Prince
of the Dawn, the
Dragon Reborn, Who,
Hopefully, Has a
Good Sense of Humor
and Won't Balefire
You Out of the
Pattern for Writing
This. He says his
name is Phoenix.
"Hi
Phoenix. Nice
tattoos. I have one
too." Rolling
up her sleeve, she
presented him with a
peeling temporary
tattoo. "Only
mine's Tweety-bird,
not dragons."
"Who
are you supposed to
be? Where is this
place? I have to go
break the seals.
Must break the
seals. Yes, break
them all..."
The
Amyrlin leaned back
on her heels to
whisper to Chissa,
"Go get
Francesca. Tell her
we've got another
one. Oh and send
Lanfir and her
Warders out here
too." Chissa
nodded and left
quickly.
"Okay
Phoenix," she
said in a nice
soothing voice.
"Why don't you
give me that stick
before you poke out
your eye and I'll
send for some nice
mint tea? Or maybe
some yummy chocolate
pudding?"
"Witch!
Answer my
questions!"
"Fine,
I'm the Amyrlin Seat
and you're in the
White Tower."
"Oh
yeah? If this is the
White Tower, then
where are all the
novices and
Accepted?"
"Hey!
I have a perfectly
good system of
Sealed to the Ring,
Hall and Flame. It's
not my fault that
people don't pay
attention to
them!"
"Hi
Ms. Amyrlin. Can I
have a kiss?"
Darksmoon, one of
Lanfir's Warders
came into the Hall.
"No!
No kisses!"
Kathana said
automatically.
"Where's
Lanfir?"
"Oh,
she got into the
brandy again last
night. She's
upstairs sleeping it
off."
"Great,
just great. Where
are the rest of her
Warders?"
"Darkseid
and Fremen are gone
again. Dark Blight
went to go find
someone named GRAY
AVATAR and some
rope. Something
about 'another lynch
mob'." He
scratched at a flea.
"Anyways, can I
be Amyrlin?"
"What?
You can't be
Amyrlin. You're not
even Aes
Sedai." she
said.
"Well,
can I be Aes Sedai
then?"
"Can
you channel?"
the Amyrlin asked.
"You have to be
a woman who can
channel."
"That's
discrimination!"
he yelled.
Just
then, there was a
commotion behind
her. Turning, she
saw someone who
looked like a Warder
stride proudly into
the room.
"My
name is Roland
Broadclock. I am
desperately in love
with you. Can I be
your Warder?"
"Eww.
No, you have
cooties. Go
away."
"Please.
I brought my own
sword."
"No,
leave me
alone!" she
yelled at him.
"Hey,
Mommy! How are you?
Who are all these
people?" Ciara,
a Green sister came
into the room now.
She
was an old friend of
the Amyrlin's.
"Hi,
Ciara."
Darksmoon sidled up
to her. "Can I
have a kiss?"
"Go
away, you have
Lanfir for
that." Said the
blonde Aes Sedai.
"Ciara,
this is Phoenix, the
Dragon Reborn and
Roland, who wants to
be my Warder."
"Oh
goody! Can I give
them
makeovers?"
"Sure,
go right ahead and
ask."
Phoenix
was now pacing back
and forth muttering
under his breath
about killing
Demandred and all
the Forsaken.
"Must destroy
them all. Kill
Demandred. Then all
the rest. Yes, kill
them all. Except the
women. Can't kill
women..."
"Hi!
Can I give you a
makeover?" she
asked brightly.
"No!
I have to fight the
Dark One and then
die. I'm too
busy," he said
in a depressing
voice.
"Well,
do you want to be my
Warder? I can always
use another
Warder."
"Aren't
you listing? I'm
busy!". He
yelled and grabbed
saidin. He wove
something out of Air
and Fire that
exploded in mid-air
above the room.
Sparks rained down
on their heads.
"Protect
the Amyrlin!"
yelled Darksmoon.
"I'll
save you, my
precious."
Roland flung Kathana
down and shielded
her with his own
body.
"Ouch,
get off me, you big
oaf! I can't
breathe."
"Can
I give you mouth to
mouth?" said
Darksmoon eagerly.
"No!"
Shoving
Roland away from
her, the Amyrlin
rose to her feet.
She rarely lost her
temper, but she was
seriously annoyed
now. She stomped
over to Phoenix and
slapped him across
the face.
"Don't EVER do
that again, you
naughty boy!"
"You..you
struck me! Me! The
Dragon Reborn!"
he raged. "I'll
get you for this!
You and your little
Aes Sedai too!"
"Oh
knock it off. Or
I'll-"
"Mother..."
Chissa hurried back
into the Hall.
"There
you are! Where are
the Reds?" The
Amyrlin demanded.
"Hi
Chissa, can I have a
kiss?"
"Go
away, you have
fleas." To the
Amyrlin,
"Um...Well, I
don't think they are
going to come. I...
Um... accidentally
walked in on them
and..."
"Spit
it out!"
"Well
Francesca and Narell
were both wearing
these filmy dresses
and they were
feeding Ender
grapes." she
finished, blushing.
"Oh."
Kathana thought for
a moment. "That
explains a
lot."
"Yeah,
then Narell went
pale and almost
fainted and
Francesca began
cussing me out, so I
don't think they
will be coming
along."
"Excuse
me," said
Phoenix. "But I
was in the middle of
a good psychotic
rampage there."
"Yeah,
and I'm still
looking for a
Warder." Chimed
in Ciara.
"What
about me, my
lovely?" Roland
broke in. "The
Amyrlin needs a
Warder."
"Yes
that's a good
idea." Boomed a
voice. A very tan
and happy looking
Sam strolled in with
a giggling,
blushing, equally
tan Blackthorne on
his arm.
"Where
have you two
been?" asked
Darksmoon.
"Club
Med. It was very
nice. Anyways, I
think..."
"Ack!
Shut up! All of you!
I'm going back to
bed." The
Amyrlin interrupted
him.
"I
don't want a Warder
anymore. You are all
insane and you're
taking me with
you!" she
shriked and ran off
to her room.
"Wait
a minute, I have a
question."
"What
is it
Darksmoon?"
"Where
are all the novices
and Accepted?"
"Ahhhhhh!!!"
she yelled again.
"There
goes one really cool
Amyrlin", said
Stealth
"What?
Who are you? What
are you doing
here?" demanded
Ciara.
"Oh
I'm one of Kaleyra's
Warders. The Amyrlin
usually finishes her
humorous fanfics
with the line 'There
goes one f***ed up
Aes Sedai'. She
changed it because
she is Amyrlin now,
and she had me say
it because I said
she was cool the
other day." he
grinned.
"Oh
okay. Does this mean
the story's
done?" said
Ciara.
"Yup,
it's all done
now."
"Then
why hasn't she
stopped writing
yet?"
"I
think she is trying
to drag it out as
much as
possible."
They
all stood around the
Hall waiting for the
Amyrlin to get bored
and let them go.
Ciara sighed.
Phoenix checked his
watch. Darksmoon
scratched at a flea.
Finally a voice
called down from
upstairs.
"Fine, you can
go!!"
As
they all filed out,
Darksmoon muttered,
"She may be
Amyrlin now, but she
is still f***ed
up."
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