by The Amyrlin Seat

The police had the entire block surrounded. Two specially trained Shar Mhadi units were preparing to enter and arrest the suspect. Demandred stood outside, smoking a cigarette, waiting to give the word. A non-descript fellow, in a neat grey suit came up to him. Dem noted the white coil of an earpiece on him. “Jesus.” He muttered, flicking ash away from him.

“You were given specific orders.” The agent told him in an even, unemotional tone. There was something slightly wrong with his speech, almost an accent. It sounded almost as if his voice had been marred by a perpetual sneer.

“I sent two units.”

“Demandred, your men are already dead.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inside the building, the units took up positions around the room where was the suspect was hiding. Breaking in, two of them found her sitting at a computer.

She held up one finger. “Just a minute. I’m almost done with my email.”

They made her get offline anyways.

Waiting until they almost had the cuffs on her, she channeled flows of Air and snatched a convinient shovel off the wall and bashed in his head. She whirled and got the other one in the face.

Kathana pulled out her cell phone. “Jooooe.” She whined. “I got attacked again and you didn’t protect me. Where were you this time?”

“If you stayed in your study, like you were supposed to, you wouldn’t have this problem now, would you?”

She grumbled a little bit.

“I heard that. In my day we were respectful to our Warders. Aes Sedai sat quietly in their studies and never got bored or had to go to the bathroom. And we liked it!” Kathana held the phone away from her ear until Joe was done yelling.

“Are you done yet?” she asked him acerbically. “I still need to get out. Are there any agents?”

“Yes.”

“Phooey!”

“Focus, Kat. If you can do this, I’ll stop trading your pudding for oosquai.”
“Promise?”

“No.”

As I expected. she thought, hanging up.

She ran out the door into the street, chased by a pack of Shar Mhadi and the agent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wake up, Seggie….

Segurant snorted and picked his head up off the computer keyboard. “What?” he muttered.

The Church of Joe wants you…

Segurant pressed a series of escape sequences, trying to remove the strange words from his screen.

Follow the white mini-lop…

He stared at his screen.

Knock, knock…

Segurant jumped as someone tapped on his door. Looking back at his screen, it was blank.

Answering the door, he saw Radzynne standing there. “Come on. We’re going to the Inn to have some fun.” She blinked. “Eggy, did Kathana beat you up again? You look awful.”

“She only does it out of love! I mean…No…um…”

“Right.” She nodded. “Why don’t you come party with us. It’ll be fun.” Razy’s coat moved slightly and Segurant could see she had a snowy white mini-lop hidden inside her clothes.

He stared at it for a minute then nodded, and replied. “Yeah, sure.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Inn was crowed that night. Novices were engaged in clandestine flirting with Wards. The Wolfkin had formed a noisy pack and were roaming the common room hunting free drinks. Smoke filled the air from a failed attempt, by the Black Tower to make fire works. Segurant caught sight of Soraya Sedai perched daintily on the edge of the counter surrounded by an adoring crowd of men. A snippet of conversation drifted to him over the din. “Really, I’m not a flirt. Really. I’m just…friendly.” she said slowly running her tongue across her lip. She was interrupted briefly by a “ka-click” and someone yelling “Time to die Cookie Boy!” Phoenix screamed and ran out of the room followed closely by a small white rabbit.

“Hello Seggie.” A low woman’s voice greeted him. He turned and saw a woman dressed in shiny black vinyl, approaching him. The clean, sleek lines of her clothing were spoiled only by a pair of knitted slippers with big multi-colored pom-poms adorning them.

“Hi Kathana. Damn…. those aerobics classes have been good for you.”

“Hush. I have important…. Sweetie, my face is up here.”

“But…but…”

She grabbed his face with both her hands. “I brought you here for a reason. I know what you’ve been doing. I know why you sit at your computer night after night downloading porn. You are looking for him, as I was once. And when I found him, I realized I was really searching for an answer.”

Segurant murmured back. “What is the Church of Joe?”

Kathana agreed. “It is the question that drives us. Come, its time for you to meet him.”

The Amyrlin led him through a dark alley and into a seemingly abandoned high rise. She took him to an upstairs apartment. Studying the walls more carefully, Segurant decided that the place was not so much run down, as it was pudding smeared. Kathana turned to face him. “One piece of advice: be honest. He knows more than you could possibly imagine.” She opened the doors to the room and Segurant saw him.

Joe was standing near two battered leather chairs near a cold dark fireplace. He was dressed all in black. Black jeans, black T-shirt with “Pain Slut” discreetly embroidered over the pocket. A leather trench coat and a pair of lavender sunglasses topped it off. He grabbed Segurant’s hand and shook it warmly.

“It’s an honor to meet you.” He stammered out.

“I know.”, grinned the Amyrlin’s Warder. “Come my boy, have a seat. And not Kathana’s. We have much to talk about.” Joe gestured for him to sit down in a battered leather armchair positioned next to a cold fireplace. A skinny end table stood between them, with a half empty glass of water resting on it.

Flourishing his trench coat, Joe sat in the chair opposite of him and pulled out a slim metal pill case. He rolled it between his fingers as he spoke. “The Church of Joe is every where and it is everything. It is porn. Porn is sex. Sex is love. Love is peace. The Church of Joe is peace and love. The Church of Joe is the love of getting a piece.” He opened the pill case and removed two pills. One was red, the other blue. He offered both of them to Segurant.

“What are these?”

“Tylenol. I know Kathana likes to hit people in the head, and I thought you might have a headache.”

“I heard that!”, Kathana yelled from the other room. “I’ll make you suffer! I’ll make you twitch like you’ve never twitched before!”

“See what I’m talking about?” Joe shrugged, ignoring Segurant’s nervous reaction to her words. “She’s unstable. Do you have any idea what its like being bonded to that harridan?”

“Ummm…” Segurant refused to answer.

“Anyways, its time for your training, Seggy. Kat! Stop eating all that pudding and make yourself useful for a change!”

With a great deal of grumbling about getting no respect, Kathana loaded up one of the training simulations. There was a sudden lurch as a giant Windows 98 logo lunged at them. Then the simulation loaded up around them. Segurant looked around in astonishment, they were back in the Inn.

Joe lifted up his beer and took a sip. “Nice place, huh?”. They were both seated at a quiet table in a dark corner. A buxom waitress moved attentively through the room, filling orders.

“You must free your mind. Fear. Doubt. Disbelief. Free your mind.” He tapped his own forehead. “You can get her phone number.” Joe finished his beer, then got up and walked over to waitress. He talked to her for a few moments. She laughed and wrote something on a napkin for him. He came back to the table. “She wants me.”, he grinned. “Your turn.”

Seggie stood up and began psyching himself up. “Free your mind.”, he muttered. “He got up to the waitress and opened his mouth to speak.

She gave him a flat look. “Dodge this.”, she told him throwing a drink in his face.

Joe laughed. “Sorry, everybody fails their first try. Come, let’s segue to the next scene Seggie.”

While they were traveling to the next scene, other things happened.

Agent Joram adjusted the sleeves of his non descript grey suit and began checking DM. Three boards were acting peculiar, there was a fatal error in the Org Leader apps, half the files for the Black Tower had gone missing and the whole thing might go down at any minute. All in all, things looked normal. Reluctantly, he opened his email.

Spam…Icons…Spam….email from Koe…why doesn’t he just come over and tell me this? Its not like he lives in freaking Alaska… More Spam… Random adoration from April…Org leaders begging me for stuff….icons….icons…You may already be a winner…More icons…
Deleting all his email, Joram went to read the boards. “Hey wait a minute! Church of Joe? No way! I’m the only person around here with his own religion….stupid, fraqing, ungrateful…” still muttering, Joram began tracking down the members of the Church of Joe.

In the next scene, they took Segurant to meet the Oracle. She lived in a run down tenement building in a rough area of town. He began to wonder why all the good guys lived in the slums while the bad guys had nice office buildings. Joe knocked on the door, a woman in a tattered bathrobe opened it. “Welcome Joe, Seggie. The Oracle will see you in few minutes.”

She conducted them both into the living room where several novices sat on the floor, practicing saidar and knitting socks. The woman in the bathrobe bent over one of them. “No, no!” She exclaimed. “You’re doing it all wrong. ”

“Yes, Phyrgiana Sedai” she muttered.

Rising from the floor, Phyrg told Joe to make himself at home. “Seggie, she’s right through there.” She pointed at a beaded curtain.

Pushing through the beads, he entered the kitchen. A woman in a brown shawl bustled around merrily baking. “Hi Seggie. I’m Emilith Sedai.”

“Are you the Oracle? Are you going to tell me if I’m the one?”

“Well, I hate to give bad news to good people, but I’m not an Oracle. I just bake brownies. Here, try one.” She stuffed one in his mouth. It wasn’t bad at all. It had an odd…herbal taste to it, but it was alright.

“So you’re not going to tell me the future?”

“Nope, but watch out for Joram. He’s planning something nasty for you.”

“So you do know something!” He exclaimed.

“No, I read the main board. He posted.”

Outside, they met up with Kathana. She was sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk eating pudding straight out of a bowl, with her bare hands.

“Kat! What have I told you? How many times have I said to use a spoon when you eat pudding?” Joe pulled out a hankie and began roughly scrubbing pudding off her hands and face.

“There is no spoon.” She muttered sullenly. “ I just had to have some pudding.” Kathana gave Seggie a puppy dog look. “You understand, don’t you?”

“Will you two knock it off? This story doesn’t get mushy until the end.” Joe snapped.

“Oh alright, but only because this is that kind of Silly.”

“Now what?” asked Seggie.

“I don’t know.” Said Kat.

“Now what?” asked Seggie. “Wait. Didn’t I just ask that?”

“Yes you did. It’s a déjà vu. It happens when one of the Admin resets DM.” Kathana explained.

“What did he change?”

“I don’t know, Joe? Joe? Where’s Joe?” The vinyl clad Amyrlin turned around looking for her Warder.

“Joe! Joe!” Seggie called out.

“Joram must’ve deleted his character! He’s probably trying to brainwash him into an Ogier right now! We have to stop him!”

“Umm….Kathana. Joe already HAS an Ogier character.”

“Don’t bother me with logic! We have to save Joe from being a tree hugging, masonry admiring, pontificating hippie!”

“Oh alright, how do we save him?” Seggie sighed. Arguing with Kathana never got you anywhere but the Emergency Room.
“I’ll need pudding. Lots of pudding.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After that, things got a little strange. The plot began to break down into a bunch of slow motion action sequences and Kathana learned that putting rainbow sprinkles on her pudding would give her super powers, like bouncing. Seggie sat down on the curb as she bounced around killing Shar Mahdi.

“Having fun?” Joram asked adjusting his suit.

“A little….Hey wait a minute! Your Joram!”

“Yes, I am, Mr. Segurant. And your about to die.”

Joram quickly reached out and pinned Seggie’s neck to the street in front of an on coming car. He could hear Kathana giggling as she yelled, “Bounce, pounce KILL!” and the car beeping its horn.

“Hear that, Mr. Segurant? That is the sound of ineviatiability.” He ground Seggies face into the pavement a little more.

“My name…is Seggie!!!” With a mighty heave, Seggie threw Joram off of him, and in front of the car. Joram splattered all over the road, then morphed into the driver and stepped out of the car. He pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket, wiped them off, and then put them on.

“Well, that’s not very nice at all.” Joram told him. “Now I’m really pissed off.”

Joram threw Seggie up against a brick wall. As he lay there, stunned, the Admin came up to him and very, very slowly stuck one cold foot on the back of his knee.

Seggie yelped and woke up. Kathana had once again stolen most of the bed and stuck her cold feet on him. He poked her with his elbow until she rolled back onto her side of the bed. He lay there staring at the ceiling, thinking about the dream he had just had. In that world anything had been possible. You could do anything or be anyone. All you had to do was free your mind. All the possibilities… He rolled over and woke up Kathana. “Hey, Kat! Butter up and get into those PVC pants!”


~THE END~