Disclaimer: The
characters in the following fan fiction do not belong to me. They belong to CBS and Viacom
and other powers that be. I am only using them for the purpose ofwriting this story. No
money is being made from this writing it is for entertainment purposes only. And now on
with the show...
August 15, 1994
Lake Tahoe, California
Dearest Jessica,
I know when you get this letter you will not understand its purpose. Do me a favor baby
girl and put it away in a safe place for several years until my memory doesn't cause you
pain. I love you Jessica Elizabeth Hawkes. I love you so much more than you can understand
or believe.
Don't give up Jess, please whatever else you do: don't give up. Your father and your
stepfather will be there for you. Lean on them and lend them your strength when you need
to. I have gone too far this time and there is no one left for me to lean on. I don't want
to hurt your stepfather any longer and seeing me hurts him.
Promise me you will take care of yourself. Remember sweetheart that I love you.
~Momma
Sam signed the note with tears welling in her tired green eyes. She wished briefly for the
strength to reach out one more time and ask for help, but she brushed it away. She
couldn't ask for help again. There was no one left to ask.
There was a shifting deep within her and Sam looked down to rub the bulge of her unborn
child feeling the smooth contour of her son's skull beneath her hand. According to Dr.
Tonsen the baby had moved into position and it was a matter of days before she went into
labor. Sam smiled and caressed her abdomen thinking it would not be a matter of days
before her son was born, but a matter of hours.
When the sun set that evening Samantha Elizabeth Jensen was determined not to be among the
living. She had lived well past the point in time that her presence was a help to anyone.
Pulling an envelope from a basket on her kitchen counter Sam went back to the table and
folded the five handwritten pages she was leaving for her daughter. Jessica would probably
never understand why she was going to do what she was, but that was no longer her problem.
She had explained her reasons in the letter and she hoped someday Jessica would be able to
read it. She taped the note to the front and then turned to her final communication with
her husband. For Tim there was a blue leather journal. She had made an entry every day of
her pregnancy and had finished the final entry the night before after he had left.
Samantha lifted the book and pressed a kiss to its cover before she slipped it into a
manila envelope. She sealed the envelope and addressed reading softly as she wrote.
"Officer Tim Jensen, 487 Wild Valley Road Lake Tahoe, California."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile
Jessica Hawkes pulled her car to a stop as soon as she had successfully parallel parked,
proud of her accomplishment. She would have to remember to tell her father about it as
soon as she got home. She glanced up at the third floor window of her mother's apartment
happy to note that the curtain was open this morning. Maybe her mother was finally
starting to snap out of her depression; it was getting hard to spend time with Momma when
all she did was cry.
Whistling cheerfully Jessica got out of her car and closed the door before racing into the
building and up the stairs. She knocked on the door her gaze once again taking in the
dingy hallway. He mother didn't belong here. She belonged in her own sunny home with her
family around her. "Mornin' Momma," Jessica smiled as the door opened. Her
mother looked somewhat less troubled than she had the day before and Jessica's hopes
soared. Maybe things would be okay given time.
"Hello sweetheart. How are you today?" Sam asked reaching out to stroke her
daughter's long silky blonde hair.
"I'm fine. I'm glad to see you finally opened the curtains. It was way too dark in
here. Have you set up a place for the baby to sleep yet?"
Sam stepped back and watched her daughter walk around the apartment. Maybe she could reach
out just one more time maybe Jessica would throw her a lifeline. "I'm tired
Jess."
"Of course you are Momma, you're 8 and a half months pregnant."
"I mean emotionally tired Jess. It is so hard to get up day after day and know that
I'm alone...I don't want to be alone anymore," Sam answered softly her eyes searching
Jessica's face for some sign of hope and help.
Her daughter was staring at her with a look of shock and disbelief that broke Sam's
battered heart. She should have known better than to think she deserved help and
compassion.
Forcing her disappointment down Sam smiled at Jessica and walked back to the kitchen
table. "Do you mind if we go by the post office and my lawyer's office?"
"Of course not Momma. Why your lawyers?"
"I have some papers to file with him," Sam answered lifting them from the table.
"I have decided to grant your stepfather a divorce."
"Momma!" Jessica said in shock. "What are you talking about?"
"Your stepfather served me with divorce papers about three months ago and I'm going
to grant him the divorce. I really don't think we can work out our differences and it
isn't fair to keep anyone holding on to the hope that we will." Sam answered
brightly. She knew what she had to do and she was going to do it. She only hoped that
someday Jessica would understand.
Deciding that now wasn't the time to talk her mother out of a divorce Jessica followed her
to the door and chattered about going to college in a week's time as they descended the
stairs to her car.
While Jessica was busy pulling out of her parking spot, Sam tucked the letter she had
written her daughter in between the passenger's side seat and the console.
"You must be so excited Jess," Sam said mustering as much enthusiasm as she
could. She didn't want her daughter to suspect that something was wrong until it was over.
If she knew Jessica would never get over the guilt, she was too much like her father that
way.
"I am...it's going to be great. Sarah Green and I are going to be roommates."
"That sounds wonderful, I'm so proud of you Jess...class valedictorian."
"It comes from good genes Momma...you and Dad are really smart," Jessica
answered with a smile as she glanced at her mother. She looked happy enough at the moment,
maybe letting her file the divorce papers would be okay. Momma and Daddy could always get
remarried later.
Sam nodded and reached over to rub Jessica's cheek gently. She could still remember
bringing her baby home from the hospital, how Matt had hovered around her as she moved
from the car to the house his face a mix of nerves and joy.
Matt had been head over heels in love with his daughter from the first and Sam knew he
would always take care of her. Matt would find a way to help their baby through the pain
and grief she was counting on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An hour later
Downtown Tahoe crosswalk...
"Let me press the walk button Momma," Jessica scolded as her mother stepped from
the curb and onto the crosswalk.
"Oops, sorry," Sam answered absently as she watched the flow of traffic. Her
eyes focused on the car a spark of life actually flaring in her weary gaze: this was it,
this was her chance. "Oh my...he's going much too fast."
Thinking the words were odd Jessica turned from her perusal of the fashion display in a
shop window to see her mother step off the curb. "MOMMA!" She shrieked in terror
trying to reach for her hand.
"Just let me die Jess, promise me," Sam said with a smile as she pushed her
daughter's hand away. Sensing that Jessica was about to lunge for her Sam took one step
forward putting herself directly in the path of the oncoming Lincoln.
Henry watched horrified as the body of a pregnant woman slammed into his windshield and
then continued over the roof. "OH SH-!!!"
"MOMMA!!! MOMMA!!" Jessica shrieked in terror as she watched her mother's body
fly over the roof of the car and land in the road.
The gold Lincoln jerked to a stop and Henry Wilkins got out of his car watching the
beautiful young woman who was sobbing hysterically as she raced to the body of the woman
he had hit. "Ca..can I help?"
"Get me a blanket for her!" Jessica screamed not turning her face from her
mother. She didn't dare.
The left side of Samantha's face was badly abraded and rivulets of blood ran through the
grit and raw skin. Her breathing was labored as her lungs tried to expand around ribs that
had been shattered on impact. She was not aware of it fully, but her spinal cord had
nearly been severed and most of the vertebrae in her back were crushed. All Sam knew was
that breathing was excruciating and the corners of her vision were darkening.
Jessica reached for her cell phone knowing she needed to call an ambulance and then her
father. Her mother had to live she just had to.
"Noooo...too...late...ambulance," Sam pleaded weakly her eyes focusing briefly
on Jessica's face. She was such a beautiful young woman. She truly regretted that she
would never be able to see her grow into adulthood, but it was over now. The pain was
intense, but even that was fading as the moments passed.
She was dying and she knew it. Her thoughts turned to Tim and Sam wondered how he would
take the news. Would he be upset or would life for him go on as it had ever since she had
attacked him? Would he provide their son with everything the newborn would need? And what
of the people she had always considered friends: would they even miss her?
"Momma I have to call an ambulance. You need help. Oh Momma, please hang on,"
Jessica begged her eyes welling with a fresh round of tears. She was going to lose her
mother she was sure of it. It was her fault that this had happened and she was sure that
everyone would know that and blame her.
Henry rushed to the woman's side with an armload of blankets and dropped them. "Here
they are? Whata we do now?"
Jessica grabbed one and draped it over her mother's body before she dialed 911, completely
ignoring Henry Wilkins and her mother's frail pleas to allow her to die.
As she spoke to the dispatcher, Jessica took her mother's hand, squeezing it gently. She
wanted her to have the physical contact that would let her know that she was loved and
needed here on earth. Heaven could do without her for a little while longer.
Just as she was hanging up Jessica felt the light pressure of her mother's fingers
clutching at her hand. "Momma?"
"...love...you..." Sam choked with a painful cough as a rib finally punctured
her lung. The blackness at the edges of her vision thickened and she blinked wanting to
see her daughter just one more time before she died.
"No...Momma, please no. I need you right here! I really do need you," Jessica
begged reaching down to touch her mother's face with trembling fingers.
"...sorry...too...late...love...y...Jess..." Sam breathed forcing a smile to her
lips. She forced her fingers to curl around Jessica's hand one final time and then she
died slipping quietly away from the pain she had caused, leaving her family behind to find
a way to carry on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRESENT
Community General Hospital
"Miss Hawkes?"
Jessica blinked the memory away shaking her head slightly to clear the last vestiges away.
She had built a sturdy wall around her heart in the last seven years refusing to let
anyone or anything in after her mother's suicide.
Most days it was easy to keep those memories away, but nothing about this day was turning
out to be normal, Jessica thought to herself brushing her long blonde hair impatiently
over her shoulder while she studied the doctor before her intently.
Dr. Jesse Travis just stared at the woman before him whose green eyes were watching him so
closely.
"I'muhI'm Dr. Traviswhy- what seems to be the trouble?" He stumbled over his
words blushing slightly as he flipped her chart open and took a seat on the exam stool
wheeling slightly closer as he pulled a pen from his lab coat.
"I don't feel wellI'm exhausted all the time, constantly bloatedand" Jessica bit
her lip, swallowing hard before she could say the words "my mother and grandmother
had Cervical CancerI want to be sure I don't."
"I can set up some tests for you Miss Hawkes, but this would be something best dealt
with by your Ob/Gyn," Jesse commented looking up into those intelligent green eyes
again.
"I just moved here from Lake TahoeI don't have another doctor yet. I know it's not
really an emergency" Jessica bit her lip looking down at her feet.
"Okaywell, let me get a nurse in here to give you a Johnnie and then I'll do a Pelvic
exam and a Pap smear," Jesse said as he wrote some notes on the chart and stood.
"I'll be back in about 5 minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that evening
Barbecue Bob's
"She had the most incredible eyesso green and soI don't know intelligent, I guess. It
was like she was seeing right into the deepest part of me," Jesse told his partner as
he wiped down the counter for the third time.
"Something about her must have caught your attentionyou've washed the counter at
least 3 times," Steve Sloan answered dryly as he totaled the night's receipts.
"Jessica Hawkes, huh?"
"Yupfrom Lake Tahoe."
Steve smiled as he watched Jesse go back into the kitchen, the young man was in serious
lust with his patient. Whether it was ethical or not, Steve found himself hoping that
Jesse would pursue a relationship with the woman he hadn't stopped talking about all
night. One of them might as well have a personal life and it didn't seem like he was going
to find one anytime soon.
"Did I mention her hair?"
Steve groaned and rolled his eyes. "A million times! It looked like spun gold."
"Oh yeah," Jesse answered sheepishly as he looked around the corner of the
swinging door.
"Sorry."
"Let's just get the place cleaned up and get out of here."
Jesse nodded and went back to his inventory more than half of his mind on the pretty woman
he had met earlier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Next Morning
Steve's Precinct
Captain Newman studied the young woman across the desk from him as he looked through her
file. "Impressive Miss Hawkesthough with your skills in mountaineering and survival I
wonder why you're here in LA. Tahoe seems more the place for you."
"I want to expand my capabilities and skills," Jessica answered evenly trying to
keep the belligerence out of her voice.
"I see your father and grandfather were in law enforcement as well."
"Yesand my stepfather and Uncle were officers as well."
"I'm certainly not turning down the help Officer Hawkeslord knows I get few enough
people who want to work homicide. I'm just rather surprised. You're young and obviously
very bright."
"I like to think so, Sir," Jessica answered in a tight tone of voice leaving no
doubt that she was annoyed with the questions.
Newman studied her calmly for several long seconds noting with surprise that her eyes
never left his and she never seemed to blink. She wasn't going to be intimidated. Good
enough for him, Sloan would be able to train this one with few problems. "Let me just
call in your Lieutenant."
Newman placed the call finding out that Steve was out at the moment and decided to show
Jessica her desk and let her get started tracking down information.
Jessica was studying a file writing notes on a legal pad beside her when a shadow blocked
the light. She looked up a faintly annoyed frown on her lips. "May I help you?"
"I'm Lieutenant Sloan, Captain Newman assigned you to me."
"OhsorryI'm Jessica Hawkes," Jessica held out her hand as she rose from her
chair one eyebrow shooting up when the man started to chuckle as he took her hand.
"Is something funny?"
"Noit's just outside of this place I run a little rib place with a friend, a doctor
and he had this patient yesterday he couldn't stop talking aboutnow it turns out that I'm
supposed to train that very same woman."
A light blush crept up Jessica's cheeks and she bit her lip. "Oh dear"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A week later
Community General
"Hi Jessica, come on in," Jesse said perking up the instant the young officer
walked into the waiting room. He didn't have the best news in the world to give her, but
he was seeing her again.
"So?"
"The results were abnormallooks like pretty advanced dysplasia from the sample I sent
to the lab. I'd like to do a colposcopy as soon as possible to check and see the extent to
which the abnormal cells have spread through your pelvis."
"I think I want another doctor," Jessica said pursing her lips thoughtfully.
"UhsureIcan I askI mean, would you tell me why?"
"It's not ethical for you to treat me if I'm planning on asking you out to
dinner," Jessica answered her eyes sparkling with mischief. She was breaking her own
rule not to get involved with anyone else, but just for a little bit Jessica wanted to let
someone in. Life was too short and time too precious to be alone all the time.
"I can get you a list of doctors and how about dinner tonight? I know some great
places."
"Surethat would be great."
Jesse floated through the rest of his day the post-it note with Jessica's address and
phone number in it tucked safely in his pocket. He found himself patting the pocket or
reaching in it to feel the corner of the piece of paper smiling as he thought of Jessica.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jessica's Apartment
Later that evening
"I guess this is where we do the goodnight thing," Jesse laughed wondering if it
would be too forward of him to kiss her.
"You're right" Jessica smiled reaching for his hand. "I had a lovely
timethough I never thought bowling could be fun."
"Depends on the partner," Jesse answered softly leaning forward to press his
lips gently against Jessica's.
The kiss ended and the couple stared into each other's eyes. Jesse saw something lurking
in the depths of Jessica's amazing green eyes, but when he tried to study it more closely
and figure it out Jessica stepped away and the moment was broken.
"Can I call you?"
"Sure," Jessica smiled unlocking her door and stepping inside the small
apartment she was calling home.
She closed and locked the door before slipping out of her shoes and padding barefoot to
the sofa where she sat down and reached for the journal she had left lying on the coffee
table. She opened it and lifted out the page her mother had left for her seven years ago
the day she had decided to step in front of the moving car and end it all.
"Oh Momma" she sighed flipping to a page where she had glued a picture of her 7
year old half-brother Trevor. The boy had miraculously survived the accident that had
claimed his mother's life with no ill effects.
Lifting her pen, Jessica chewed thoughtfully on the end of it as she thought about the
words she wanted to write.
Finally they came and as usual began to flow in a torrent from her mind through the pen
onto paper:
I did itI rejoined the living today, at least for a bit. I had an actual,
honest-to-goodness date tonight. With the doctor I went to see: Jesse Travis. He is so
nice, so kindI don't know why I told him I was worried I might have Cervical Cancer when I
saw himthere's no might about it.
It was probably stupid of me to lie about it, but I just am not ready to face the
diagnosis yet. I left Tahoe and all my family and friends to get away from it. Stage
IIBI'm only 25 this isn't supposed to happen to me, but then I wasn't supposed to lose my
mother when I was 18 either.
Life is so oddjust when you think you have it figured out and things are finally working
out it all falls apart again. I don't agree with what Momma did, but I am beginning to see
that it might be the best solution. I don't want radiation and chemotherapy. I want a
life.
"Enough of that for one night," Jessica sighed to herself pulling the clip from
her hair letting the long sheet of it fall around her shoulders while she leaned her head
back wearily against the sofa wondering how her body could feel so normal while so many
cancer cells were living in it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several weeks later
Jesse whistled softly to himself as he reviewed orders on patient charts. He and Jessica
had just come back from a weekend trip to Santa Barbara and he had never felt happier.
"Dr. Travis, may I have a word with you?"
Jesse looked up surprised to see Emily Lathman, the chief Oncologist standing beside him
with Mark hovering behind her. "Surejust let me finish with this chart."
"My office is free, let's do it there," Mark suggested when Jesse had turned his
attention to them.
"What's up?"
"Jesse, I shouldn't even be telling you this, it violates patient confidentiality
laws and ethical ones as well, but I felt I needed to talk with you about Jessica
Hawkes."
Jesse's grin faded and his happy mood evaporated at the serious look on Mark's face.
"It's bad?"
"It wouldn't be if she would agree to treatment, but I have just come from speaking
with her and read a faxed copy of her medical records from Tahoe. Jessica was diagnosed
with stage IIB Cervical Cancer about a month before she moved here. She refused treatment
there and just refused it again in Dr. White's office. Needless to say this is not a
joking matter."
"Cancerbut she said" Jesse sputtered trying to make sense of Dr. Lathman's
words.
"Jesse, we don't know why Jessica is refusing treatment, but someone needs to talk to
her. Someone she trusts and cares for and according to Steve you're the only person she's
let in since she arrived. She keeps everyone else at arm's length," Mark said folding
his hands over the top of his desk.
"I'll talk to her I guess, but she's gonna be mad," Jesse sighed deeply running
his hands through his hair.
"Let her be madbut find out why she doesn't want help" Mark counseled wishing he
could have done something to save his friend this pain. Jesse had been so happy with
Jessica it killed him to have to bring reality in.
"I'll do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jessica's Apartment
Jesse pressed the buzzer for Jessica's apartment wondering if she was in. He hadn't seen
her car, but then she often used the underground parking structure.
"Hello?"
"Hey Jessit's mebuzz me in okay?"
"Sure."
Her voice sounded puzzled on the surface, worried underneath Jesse thought to himself as
he took off his sunglasses and opened the front door as the buzzer sounded. Jessica was
waiting for him on the third floor landing, leaning on the railing.
She looked lovely and young, her blonde hair loose around her shoulders framing her tan
face and piercing green eyes. She was wearing a short black flowered sundress that
accented her athletic frame.
"Hey, I wasn't expecting to see you."
"I needed to see you Jesswe have to talk," Jesse answered putting an arm around
her waist as he led her back toward her open door.
"You sound so serious" Jessica said before a mocking smile flitted across her
lips. "Sowhich of my wonderful doctors should I sue for violating my rights to
confidentiality?"
"Jessit's not like thatthey're just worried about you," Jesse answered
soothingly pulling her to his side when she tried to walk away. "I'm worried tooStage
IIB cervical cancer is nothing to mess around with. You need to get treatment."
"Why? So I can feel like hell all the time? Pleasemy mother had a much better answer
to problems!" Jessica spat pushing out of his arms.
"Jess, pleasedon't be like that. I care about youradiation and Chemo aren't that
badthey've improved a lot." Jesse watched helplessly as she paced around the living
room her eyes cold and hard as she glared at him deciding, he was sure, whether or not to
toss him out.
"You need to leave now"
"Jess, honeycome onI care about youI'll support you no matter what, but please just
think about this."
She looked at him searchingly for several minutes then smiled softly. "Let's go for a
walk."
"Surethat would be great," Jesse was a little confused by Jessica's sudden
change in mood, but happy that she hadn't tossed him out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was like seven years ago all over again in Jessica's mind as she walked down the
street, only this time she was the one who was going to do the leaving. She would not be
left behind again. She held Jesse's hand sorry that she was going to be hurting him, but
the journal she had mailed to him at Community General earlier in the day would explain it
all. He could read about her mother and what she had done. Her stepfather's cruel words to
her and her own father's inability to comfort her and help her with her grief.
When asked later by Steve to give an account of what happened all Jesse could say for
certain was that it had happened in the blink of an eye. One minute Jessica was holding
his hand and walking by his side, the next the horrifying sound of screeching brakes and a
thud as the car struck her body.
"Jessicaoh godhoneydon't movedon't try to talkjust be stillit's going to be
okay," Jesse promised in a low voice as he knelt by her twisted, broken form stroking
her blood soaked hair back as he dialed 911.
"S-s-sorryJe-Jesse" Jessica coughed smiling weakly at him before letting herself
drift into the comforting blackness that had crept over her in the minutes since she had
bolted in front of the car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several Weeks Later
Beach House
"You okay Jess?" Steve asked as he walked out onto the deck noting his friend
staring out over the ocean.
"I think soI'm just so angry that Jess didn't talk to meI mean, it's all here in this
journal, but she couldn't tell me?"
"She did tell you palin the only way she could. I talked to her father after the
funeral. He said her mother's death changed Jess, she was never the same again and when
she left a month ago he said he knewhe knew she was never coming home again," Steve
answered wondering how long it would be before he could erase the image of Matt Hawkes'
pale, worn face from his memory.
Jesse sighed and shrugged looking at the small book in his hands. "She could have
been the oneI sure wanted her to be."
"I know," Steve answered quietly squeezing Jesse's shoulder. "Come on
inAmanda's cheating at Scrabble and I need some help."
"If it's all the same to you I'd rather stay hereI want to read this. I owe Jess that
much. She told me she loved me and she was sorry she hadn't met me before."
"We'll be inside if you change your mind. You're never alone buddy, remember that
much."
Jesse watched the waves break on the shoreline until he heard the sliding glass door open
and close.
"We could have worked through it JessI would have helped youI'm so sorry I never got
the chance." Jesse whispered to the horizon as a tear wound down his cheek.
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