| Title: My Touchstone Author: DM E-Mail: [email protected] Distribution: I would be honored. (I would love to know so I can come and visit it.) Spoiler Warning: Some spoilers for Two Fathers/One Son, Amor Fati, Fire, and The End Rating: PG Classification: V R Key Words: Mulder/Scully Romance Disclaimer: Nope, they do not belong to me. Please excuse my apologies Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and 20th Century FOX. I just borrowed them for a little while. I'll give 'em back, I promise. Summary: Scully ponders why she has stayed with Mulder after all these years. Notes: This style of fan fiction, I will admit, is not my favorite to read but I love writing it. This one is a companion piece to My Constant. You don't need to read My Constant to understand, but I would love it if you would. Just send me a quick e-mail and I'll send you the story that inspired this one. Oh, and feedback is more than welcome! Let me know what you think! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Why do I stay? It is a good question, considering all that has happened, but one that honestly never entered my mind. In the beginning I stayed out of duty toward my job, out of a conviction I have to never give up. I don't know when it changed. I don't know when I began to stay because I wanted to. No, because I needed to. It became personal and is no longer a choice. I can't leave him. I can't leave Mulder; his quest, his search for the truth, has now become my quest, my search. And, I wouldn�t want it any other way. If someone had asked me, even eight years ago, where I thought I might end up, the possibility of where I am now would have never entered my mind. I am miles off course from where I saw myself. That fact does not disturb me. In the seven years that I have known Fox Mulder, I have witnessed and experienced ten times the amount any one person will experience in a lifetime. Although bad things have happened to me, I can't imagine leading my life in any other way. There have been moments, I'll admit, where I would have given anything for a "normal life," to live in a house, with a husband, a couple of children, maybe a dog or a cat. But, those feelings fade. Eight years ago I might have thought that these simple things were the keys to my happiness. But, my life is more complicated now and such mundane things would not be enough. My life with out Mulder would not be enough. I did not always feel that way about my partner. In the beginning there were times where I couldn't leave the dungeon he calls an office fast enough at the end of the day. Now, I spend more time there than I do in my own home. I remember when I first knocked on his door with only rumors to prepare me for what I might find. All was pretty much as I had expected, except my visual of Fox Mulder was somewhat altered. With all the talk of "Spooky Mulder" I had been led to think that he would be a measly, odd looking, middle aged man who thought of nothing but chasing little green men and anything supernatural. I was half right. I would have to say I was pleasantly surprised, and somewhat shocked. Mulder was, is, a very attractive man, but a man with many talents. If it were not for the path he chose to follow, he would have been an Assistant Director at the very least by now. In a way I am thankful that he never amounted to anything more than he is right now. If he had, I would have never met him; I would have never become his partner. And, I might very well be living the "happy" life I thought I wanted. I would not have a clue what I was missing. I have a feeling, however, that there would always be a missing piece of my heart, a feeling of emptiness that would remain in my subconscious. I have no doubt that I am where I am meant to be and with whom I am meant to be with. It took me a while to understand my partner. It took time to realize that every time he "ditched" me was only an attempt to protect me. I could lie and tell you that after seven years of working with this man, of friendship with this man, I understand him fully. Everyday, it seems he continues to surprise me. Every case he sets before me sends us on a new and different adventure. Sometimes, I admit, I act annoyed at his wild theories, at his tendency to jump to conclusions- conclusions which are most always correct. I don't truly feel annoyed, it's just an action that is expected from me, part of a game we play. He knows it and I know it. It works well that way. The way I've been speaking of my partner might lead one to think that we are somewhat more than platonic. I admit we have a kind of friendship that is unexplainable, but we have not been together that way. I cannot say that the thought has not entered my mind; it has entered my mind constantly for that matter. I suppose that I have known that I've loved him, but how can I fully allow myself to fall in love with someone who will not return the sentiment. I know Mulder loves me, he has told me as much with his actions. One day that love will deepen, just as my love for him did. I believe the first time I felt a change of feelings for my partner was when I found him kissing the woman who had hurt him badly years before. I was not so much hurt as I was confused and depressed. I tried to make light of it to help disguise how I truly felt. It worked and ever since I have managed to hide my feelings well, perhaps too well. There have been several women since then who have infiltrated our world, but none that have hurt as much as Diana Fowley's unexpected arrival. Diana was not just another fling of Mulder's that would disappear after a case ended. She was here to stay, which was something I had to fight very hard to accept. I've always been a good judge of character, and from the very beginning I knew her intentions were not what Mulder thought them to be. It hurt the most because Mulder did not trust me when I informed him of my concerns. After all that we had been through together, he trusted Diana above myself. I would be lying if I said I did not feel threatened by Diana. I was, although I knew in my heart that the feeling was irrational. Mulder and I had been together too long, and traveled too far for someone, such as Diana, to come between us. I had faith in Mulder, and that faith is what carried me through and kept me from giving up. And, giving up was one thing I knew I would never, could never do. When the news of Diana's death reached me, I was devastated. I was devastated for Mulder. She, despite her intentions, was a part of Mulder, a part of his past. She was his friend. For that reason alone I mourned her passing. One might think that I was relieved, and in a twisted way, happy that she was gone. I was not. Mulder was hurting, so I hurt as well. Standing on his doorstep and uttering the words of her murder was one of the most challenging moments of my life. I wanted to take all the hurt away from him, take away all his pain for forever. I knew I could not do that, but I could be there for him. I could hold him and let him know that I would always be there, no matter what the circumstances, no matter how hard things became. I was a little surprised when Mulder chose that moment to put aside his pain and tell me how much I meant to him. He was so open and honest that I could not keep on playing the card of indifference. I needed to be honest, and I was. Mulder is my constant, my touchstone. And I am his. At that moment, I believe, we both understood. We understood something we had known in our hearts for almost seven years. We realized that neither of us alone was whole, and without the other, neither of us ever would be. ~ The End Feedback, again, would be more than welcome! Let me know what you guys think! |