| Title: My Constant Author: DM E-Mail: [email protected] Distribution: I would be honored. (I would love to know so I can visit it.) Spoiler Warning: Yes, The Pilot, Duane Barry (abduction myth arc), Momento Mori, Redux II, The End, Two Fathers, The Sixth Extinction, Amor Fati, and Millenium. Rating: PG Classification: V R Key Words: Mulder/Scully Romance Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine� They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and all the people at 20th Century FOX. Oh, and Mulder and Scully belong to each other. Summary: Diana Fowley, the truth be told! And, when exactly Mulder began to love his partner� Notes: I wrote this because I always strongly disliked Diana Fowley, and when she died I actually was one of the nuts that screamed in pure joy. I wanted to give some closure as to how Mulder truly felt about her, and why he did some of the things he did. Rean on� I swear its not just about Fowley, I would never do something like that. I would, however, love to hear what you guys think about this one� I really had fun writing it. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Before I begin, I would like to clarify that I am merely a man. I have the same, normal weaknesses that most men have. Although I realize that the word "normal" does not, by any means, describe me, but I assure you I am most definitely normal in the aspect that I am speaking of. Let me begin with the beginning. I met Diana Fowley when I first got out of the Academy. I suspect that the main reason I was drawn to her was the fact she understood me. She believed, and appeared to be driven by a similar force that had driven me for most of my life. Together we discovered the X-Files; she stood behind me and supported me more than any person ever had before. Until I met Scully. In the beginning, that simple fact disturbed me. How could somebody, a non-believer at that, help me and be the one to keep me going? At first I thought that my feelings towards Scully were a reaction due to the fact I had been alone for so long. Alone ever since Diana left. But I knew deep down inside that just was not true. In fact, my need for Scully surpassed any need that I had ever felt for Diana. When Diana left, my heart felt as if it had broken. I honestly did love her; she almost completed my missing half. It's ironic, actually, that her absence almost made me miss the chance to create a relationship with the only person who could ever complete me fully. When I was informed by Section Chief Blevens that I was to be assigned a partner, a female partner at that, I was resentful. I did not want anybody trying to fulfil the void that Diana had left in my life. I tried as hard as I could to scare her away, make her ask for a reassignment, but she held her ground. Gradually I began to respect her, and finally trust her. Although the majority of the time we disagreed and argued our beliefs, she was just what I needed. Someone to keep me grounded someone to keep me honest. With out her I don't think that I would be here today. Our relationship grew, and I reached the point where I needed her in order to keep going. Diana became a distant memory; I remembered her fondly, but she was merely a piece of my past. Once I was confident with the trust I bestowed in Scully, I began to love her. I, however, was not in love with her. She was my friend, my best friend. She gave up so much to follow me on my wild chases. Chases that she didn't even believe were authentic or reliable. Then she was abducted, and I knew it was my fault. I didn't warn her of the dangers I knew existed. I could barely live with myself; I couldn't stand the fact that I caused her pain, caused her family pain. How could I help but love someone who sacrificed so much for my beliefs, for myself? It was then, however, that I realized I would do the same for her. It wasn�t until Scully was diagnosed with cancer that I began to understand how my feelings for her had morphed into something a little bit more complex. Somewhere along the way I had reached the point where I technically knew I could never live with out her. Her survival, alone, was the only thing that I fought for. And for the first time, my search for my sister, Samantha, was not the most important thing in my life. It hasn't been since. While Scully was sick, in the hospital, I was forced to take a serious look into my heart and that is when I understood. I had fallen in love with her. Nothing changed; she was still Scully. The only difference was that my love for her ran on several different levels, but somehow, I realized, it always had. The happiest moment of my life would be the day I found out that we won our fight against her cancer. The intruder had gone into remission and all I could do was cry. My Scully was back; she would remain with me. I never felt the need to speak of Diana to Scully. After all, Diana was my past and Scully was my future. I wasn't trying to hide my relationship with Diana from her, if she had asked, I would have told her the truth. But, she never asked and Diana returned. I was a little bit more than surprised to see Diana Fowley when I walked into the boardroom that morning. I was so preoccupied with getting under Agent Spender's skin that I didn't bother to scan the room to see who all was in attendance, an act that normally keeps me busy during such meetings. I can honestly say that the thought of replacing Scully with Diana, now that she had returned, never entered my mind. Although it has now come to my attention that it indeed did cross my partner's mind. When I realized how she felt, I was floored. Diana was my friend; I still cared for her but would never dream of giving her the space in my heart that belonged to Scully. I realize that my actions towards my old friend, Diana, contradict what I say, but I am a man. A man who has normal weaknesses, as I mentioned before. I honestly did not forget Scully when I let Diana kiss me. I was confused, torn. But if it came down to a choice, my loyalty and love remained fully with Scully. I had a past with Diana and she was easier to be with than Scully. Scully and I have a complicated yet wonderful relationship. I am not proud, especially now, of what I did. At the time I did not understand all that Scully did about my supposed "friend". Diana was not the woman I thought her to be; she was not the woman she used to be. Scully knew that. I suppose that I was upset with Scully, when she told me of Diana, because of some "normal" male macho pride. I don't really know, and I can't even try to explain why I said what I did to her after all we had been through together. The same pride has kept me from apologizing to her, until now. As Scully stood crying on my doorstep telling me of Diana's death, I realized that this woman was the single most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. Despite her utter dislike for Diana, there she was, crying for me, crying for the pain she thought I was going through due to the loss of my "friend". I don't think she will ever know how much I loved her that very moment. As she stood there, hugging me, I realized to what extent she cared about me. It was close to how I felt about her, but not quite. I don't think she will ever be able to match the feelings of love and respect I hold for her, no matter how hard she tries. I told her that she was my "constant, my touchstone," but that barely describes how I truly feel. I don't believe there is a word in the English language that could do my feelings justice. I have been contemplating what to do ever since that afternoon, and just recently, on New Years Eve, I tested my faith in her and in myself. We passed our first test. Tonight, however, is the test that will determine our future, determine the rest of our lives. ~ The End So, should I go on, or leave the rest to our over active imaginations? Feed back is most definitely welcome! "A dream is an answer to a question we haven't yet learned how to ask." ~ Mulder |