| Title: Enigmatic Nexus Author: DM E-Mail: [email protected] Distribution: I would be honored. (I would love to know where so I can visit!) Spoiler Warning: This Is Not Happening Rating: PG Classification: SRA Key Words: Mulder/Scully Romance Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. They belong to CC, 1013 Productions and 20th Century FOX� I just borrowed 'em. Summary: �Despite the man holding her gently to his chest, I sense she is still very much everything I was not too long ago.� Notes: Thanks once again, Carol� What would I do without you?? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I can�t sleep. I feel restless and uneasy. I wish I knew why. Tossing and turning has only disturbed you. Perhaps that�s the reason I continue. I really want you to wake up. I need to talk. Can�t you sense that? You always did before. I fight the urge to cry, to sob until you are forced to wake up. However, my pride will not permit me to resort to such tactics. I eye my shoes across the room. I need to get out, take a walk. I need to think. If I can�t talk, I need to think. In one final effort I roll over and whisper in your ear. �I need some fresh air.� Your eyes are closed; I know you�re sleeping. �Mmmhmm�� �I�ll be back soon.� I want to hit you, make you wake up, but instead I kiss you. How could I hit such a beautiful and innocent face? The air is chilly, windy but not damp. It�s raining back home; I�m not sorry I left. I test my breath against the cold air outside room number 13 as I look back to where I left you. Are you going to follow? Do you miss me yet? You always did before. On the lawn across from the parking lot sits a table and chair. It�s cracked and peeling paint draw my attention away from the white puffs my breath is creating. They�re old and have probably given a good splinter or two in their time. Nevertheless, I find them inviting. The ground crunches beneath my feet as I step on the crumbling asphalt. I�ve never heard a louder noise. I feel very alone. Quickening my stride I make it to the chair and table just in time to escape� what? Myself? My heart is pounding and my lungs are gasping for air. I rest a shaking hand on the wooden armrest. Panting and flushed I ease my weary body into the confines of the chair. I�m so tired. I need to rest. I glance up and am in immediate awe of the millions upon millions of stars above me. They�re so clear, so bright. I feel cheated; look at what I�ve missed. Leaning back, I feel the tension release its hold on my shoulders. What�s wrong with me? I turn to look to see if you�ve followed. No such luck The air is fresh tonight, cold and clean. I take several deep breaths and watch my breath against the backdrop of stars. It reminds me of cigarette smoke so I stop. What is it that�s bothering me so? Why am I sitting out here in the cold winter air, while you�re warm and sleeping peacefully back in our room? The deafening silence is broken as a door opens from across the way. What took you so long? I turn just in time to see it�s not you. Somehow I already knew. It�s a woman. At first all I can see is a flash of red. She has red hair. Just like me. She stops outside the door next to hers, stands there for a moment then turns away. She walks a few steps in my direction and I try to sink into the shadows. It�s silly, but I don�t want to be seen, and I have a feeling she doesn�t want to see me either. I watch as she inhales and looks toward the heavens. Maybe she�s admiring the stars as well. She wraps her arms around her shrinking frame and holds herself fiercely. She�s also alone. Moments pass before she does anything. I almost begin to wonder if she�s really there at all. Her shoulders stiffen and I can hear her intake of breath. She�s preparing herself. I know this from experience. She turns and takes several steps, then stands straight and rigid at the doorstep of room 13. Her knock is soft. If I hadn�t seen the movement in the distance, I wouldn�t have noticed a thing. She waits, growing stiff as the seconds pass. The door opens. I can�t see the person standing on the other side, but I know it�s a man from the way she looks up at him. From the way her head drops in defeat, but he remains still, not reaching to take her in his arms to comfort her. Call it personal experience. Not all men are like that. You aren�t. Maybe it�s not his place to do so. Lost in thought, I hear the door close before I notice she has turned to face me once again. Her eyes glance upward and she slowly walks toward me. I know she hasn�t seen me yet. I hesitate to get up, to walk away. I don�t want to startle her, but mostly I want to see what will happen next. Will he follow her? Like you were supposed to follow me? I look past her at our room and the door is still closed. My eyes turn to number 13. Closed. It�s just us. She and I. Soon my presence will be known. It�s impossible not to feel another when they are so near. There�s electricity in the air that sounds an alarm. Her head jerks down from its thoughtful reflection and her eyes focus fully on me. I�m embarrassed. I feel as though I�ve been caught watching something I wasn�t meant to see. Something she didn�t want anyone to see. I look away, unable to remain the subject of her focus any longer. I know all to well how she feels. Violated. Threatened. Hesitant. But, also embarrassed. �I was just, um� I�m going so you can, um� sit.� I hear my voice but I didn�t mean to speak. It probably would�ve been better if I hadn�t. I don�t seem to be able to form a clear thought. Her eyes lower just slightly and she is no longer looking directly at me. I don�t like to be scrutinized. She speaks. �Oh, no. I�m sorry. I didn�t see you; I�ll wait over there.� She smiles. A forced smile, but she smiles nonetheless. Her voice is throaty and soft, but it also has a roughness to it. That edge is almost unnoticeable, but I hear it. It�s meant to go undetected, but I�ve used the same trick many times myself. I decide not to let her know that. I know, and that�s enough. �Please, I was just leaving anyway. I, uh, have someone waiting for me.� If only that were true. Where are you? Haven�t you noticed my absence yet? Her eyes turn soft as she looks at me once more. I think she understands the deceit behind my words as well. We both hurt. We�re both alone. I feel an instant connection between this woman and I. Almost as though I understand without knowing a single detail. I don�t need to know. Specifics aren�t important. I smile back, using the same trick she used on me only moments before, and rise to my feet. I glance back up at the star lit, early morning sky and breathe in its beauty before turning back to her. �It�s beautiful�� She nods her head as I step past her on my way to the building across the way. On my way to you. I don�t glance back, but I don�t need to. Number 15. This is where I get off. You�ve disappointed me tonight. Do you know that? You know I�ll forgive you. However, it doesn�t mean I�m not hurting. I reach for the key in my left coat pocket and let my eyes wander to number 13. Is she waiting for him? I was waiting for you. Will he go to her? I hope so. My fingers brush over the smooth fabric of my pocket. No key. I try the other side and with a stab of disappointment visualize my key still lying on the bedside table. Right next to your watch. Right next to that stupid Mad Lib book you made me buy at the gas station back in Nowheresville. Now that I�m alone I can smile freely over the memory. Despite my groaning and moaning, I actually had fun doing something so simple with you. Something so mundane, so frivolous. I miss that. I suppose I can let you off the hook for not following me this time, for not sensing that I need you. Maybe you don�t know because I don�t tell you. Not often enough, at least. That will have to change. The door to his room opens and a yellow glow spills out onto the cold, gray walk. He steps out and I look anywhere but his eyes. I feel a deep blush creep up my neck in the cool, misty, pre-dawn air. I�ve been caught again. He nods his head in my direction, a slight acknowledgement of my existence. He sees the person he seeks and takes large steps toward her. He covers the distance in half the time it took me to run there. Sometimes I wish I weren�t so small. I turn back to our door. I don�t want to knock. For the first time tonight I truly don�t want to wake you. Turning, I lean against the wall next to the doorframe. I can still see them. They�re standing close, but there�s a sizeable space between them. They�re both looking upward toward the heavens. Both admiring the same picture perfect panorama that I had only minutes before. She turns her head to him and says something I can�t hear. He says something back to her, but I can�t hear that either. Maybe I shouldn�t be watching. Maybe this quiet exchange is meant to be private, only to be observed by God and themselves. Maybe I should turn, maybe I should walk away and not look back. I move closer instead. I make sure to keep in the shadows, being careful not to be caught again. I don�t know why these people fascinate me so. Why I�ve become so involved in something I know nothing about. Yet, at the same time, I do know. Or at least I can guess�perhaps the woman has lost something or, maybe someone. She�s scared, terrified that he or she will not come back to her. That she�s lost them forever. Perhaps she knows it would be easier to give up, to let fate run its course, but she can�t. She needs to hold on to hope. It�s all she has. It�s all I had. Yes, I think I know her well. I know what it�s like to be comforted by the arms of someone who just isn�t good enough. I know what it�s like to feel guilty for feeling such a thing, to be held by someone while wishing that person were you. I know these things. I hate that I know them, but I do know them. I feel you now. Your arms have made their way around my waist and your lips to my neck. I didn�t hear the door open, but that doesn�t surprise me. Although I�ve been missing you all night, needing you all night, somehow you knew the right moment to come. A moment earlier wouldn�t have had the same impact as your presence does now. �Megan�?� I turn in your embrace and smile up at you. �Hi.� �Hi.� Your voice is sleepy. �Whatch �ya doin�?� �Just thinking.� I let my arms wander around your waist as well and lean my cheek against your chest. You�re so warm. �It�s chilly tonight, isn�t it?� I sigh in agreement, in contentment. �What do ya say we head back in?� I pull away slightly and smile. �Okay.� You take my hand and I glance back at the woman and man standing in the distance. In the mist. In the cold. I feel the enigmatic nexus between the woman and I weaken. I am warm, safe, and not alone. Despite the man holding her gently to his chest, I sense she is still very much everything I was not too long ago. I close my eyes as I step toward our room and pray a silent prayer that she will find who she is looking for. It�s only fair� I found you. The day is clear and the sun is bright. I feel good. Having you next to me doesn�t hurt either. There�s a faint throb in the base of my spine, but one quick glance at my swollen abdomen erases all complaints of discomfort. Our child, yours and mine. She is our little miracle, but so much more than that. She is the bond that will tie us together through all eternity. No matter what happens, we, both of us, will always have her. It might appear depressing to think of such things, to think that something could ever separate us for an indefinite amount of time, but it�s not. We�re both comforted by this knowledge. It�s like we�ve finally found the last piece of the puzzle and when she�s born the picture will be complete. Each piece will be where it ought. That pleases me. So I smile. Your eyes remain on the road, but I know you know I�m happy by the way you glance over, by the way you place your right hand on my tummy. You rub small circles around my belly button and I smile all over again. It tickles but I like it. So does she, our daughter. She�s kicking a �hello� to her daddy. You feel her and a soft laugh escapes your lips. Have I mentioned how happy I am? Have I mentioned how happy you make me? Ever since you returned, I�ve wanted to come back here. I�ve wanted to face my demons. Last time I was here, I was in a dark, dark place. I want to rectify that. I lay my hand on top of yours and gently play with your fingers. Your hand is so much larger than mine. We�re such an unlikely pair, you and I. Yet there�s no one else I could ever see myself with. There�s no one I want to be with more. �Penny for your thoughts?� You break the silence. �Just a penny? I�ve got a couple bucks worth.� I pick your hand up and hold it with both of my own. You glance over quickly and I smile to reassure you my thoughts are all pleasant ones. �How much longer?� �About an hour.� �Good, cause I�m hungry.� You look at me and smile. It�s a wicked smile, one that you�ve perfected over the years. I don�t even need to hear the words to know what you�re thinking. �I�m eating for two, you know.� You say nothing� but this time I get a toothy grin. �So, this is how it�s gonna be, huh? Does it make you feel like more of a man to mock the mother of your child?� My tone is light. He knows he hasn�t hurt me. It�s just a game we play. �Mock you? Well, I�m offended� How could you even suggest such a thing?� �Oh, hush up. Enjoy the scenery.� It�s quarter to 5 when we finally arrive. I never told you why I wanted to come back here. I think you already know though. As you check in I stand next to you and request the same room I stayed in four months ago. Four months. It seems like four years. As fate would have it, room 12 is available. The hotel resides in the middle of nowhere. However, they do have a small diner next to the only gas station in town. I wasn�t very hungry last time I was here. I remember sitting there, just staring at my food rather than eating it. We order and like a gentleman you ask for diet soda instead of coffee. You know how much I miss the bitter taste of that caffeinated brew. I hope this baby knows what I do for her. We smile a lot during dinner. I�m happy, content just to be sitting here with you. I know you feel the same. Partly from a feeling and partly because you tell me every opportunity you get. We�re much more open with each other now, aren�t we? We walked to the diner, so we walk back. The sun is just beginning to set and the sky is full of oranges and pinks and purples. Some people prefer sunrise. I prefer sunset. You take my hand and squeeze it gently. I step closer and enjoy your nearness. �This is nice. I�m glad we came here.� �Me too,� you agree. �Thank you for dinner. I feel much better now. So does Megan.� �Ahh, so it�s Megan again today, is it?� I smile. Naming your child is a big responsibility. �Don�t you like Megan?� �I dunno� it�s alright�� �Well, have *you* thought of any names?� �Actually�� �And don�t say Batman. I don�t care if he *is* the �caped crusader�.� I try to look serious but it�s a hard thing to do when you start laughing like that. I still remember the first time you laid that one on me. You were so serious, really had me going there for a second� Then after several moments you burst out laughing much like you are now. We stayed up until dawn that day� lying in bed, throwing names back and forth. Life is never boring with you. We arrive back at the motel just as the sun sinks into the mountains. Soon darkness will fall. I excuse myself to use the restroom, and you can�t help but make another remark about my condition. Teasing is one of the many ways you show affection and that�s the only reason I let you get a way with it. I step from the bathroom and turn off the light. It�s dark out now, but the moon filters blue light into our small room. I don�t see you, but I think I know where to look. The drapes are open and I can see you standing in the distance. You�re looking up at the stars, much like I did four months ago. You�re standing alone just like I was. Not for long though. I come to stand beside you and you take my hand in yours. It feels good to stand here with you. Four months ago I stood in this very spot, right next to this table and chair and thought I�d never see you again. I prepared myself for the worst� but you came back. You came back and glued my shattered world back together. I squeeze your hand; I need to make sure you�re real. You look down at me and smile. Releasing my hand you pull me close and I feel warm, safe and loved. You�ve always made feel that way. �Have I told you about the last time I was here?� You shake your head and pull me closer. �I was about ready to give up. You had been gone for so long�� Tears threaten my eyes so I close them. I can�t cry. Not yet. �I stood out here with� and he told me� he said not to give up.� My voice is quivering and I feel as though I may lose it altogether any minute now. This subject is still very raw and painful for me. I usually don�t allow myself to think about it. But, somehow, I feel he needs to know. Needs to know how much I need him. �I met a woman that night. Briefly. Did I tell you that?� �No,� you whisper. Tears are beginning to form in your own eyes. �She was sitting right there.� I motion toward the wooden chair to the left of us. �We didn�t say much, she left after she saw me. Just commented on the starlight and went on her way.� You look at me. Waiting. I�m not quite sure what I�m trying to say either. �The way she looked at me� like she understood. Like she knew how I felt. I needed that. I kept hearing those words, �I understand�� I heard them from everyone. It irritated me. They didn�t understand; no one did� not until her. And even then I couldn�t explain it.� �I�m sorry. I�m so sorry.� �Don�t be sorry.� I smile up at you. The moon casts a glow on your face. �You�re back now. That�s all that matters.� �What was her name?� It doesn�t really matter, but you ask anyway. �I don�t know. We barely spoke.� You nod your head and pull me against you, resting your chin on the top of my head. �So, you really like the name Megan, huh?� A soft laugh plays in my throat. You always know just when to change the subject. Thank you. �Yes. I dunno; I just have this feeling. The name keeps popping to mind.� �You know, it�s not half bad.� �No?� �Nah� I actually kinda like it the more you say it.� �We still have to think of a middle name�� Your eyebrows waggle and I groan knowing I�ve just gotten myself into hot water. Again. Megan�ll be a soccer player. I�m sure of it. She�s restless tonight. Your hand is in its usual spot, resting over my belly. I�m surprised you haven�t felt her� she hasn�t been still since we laid down about an hour ago. You fell asleep quickly. I�m glad. Hopefully I�ll be able to join you soon, but I enjoy these quiet moments, having you near, feeling our daughter demonstrate her strength� there�s nothing quite like this feeling. Nothing in all the world. I turn my head to admire the stars through the window. They�re the same stars that looked down upon me all those months ago. The same ones that watched me cry in pain and sorrow, and watch me now as tears trail down my cheeks in pure happiness, in joy. My thoughts fade from consciousness as I close my eyes and simply live in the moment, letting the past remain in the past. Fin Feedback?? Of course!! Thank you for asking�. [email protected] |