FROM THE PARENTS SIDE
by Heather & Michael
SubTitled: WHAT THE JUDGE IGNORED
My husband never thought he'd see the day that his own parents would take him to court. February 2, 1999 we were served with papers from the EGP's indicating they were petitioning the court for visitation with our daughter. Neither of us wanted it to turn out this way...but after years of turmoil, hurt, frustration and crying myself to sleep at night, we were left with no alternative.
In September of 1998 my husband and I made a JOINT decision that we would no longer associate with his parents, which would also mean keeping our daughter away as well. This was the most difficult and troubling decision we've ever made. But two weeks later we initiated family counseling with the EGP. For the most part, the sessions continually revolved around the EGP wanting to see our daughter. The issues that we felt needed considerable discussion usually never made it on the agenda.
One of the most painful memories we have...The EGP offered us a cruise for our honeymoon. Wow, what a generous gift for any newlywed couple! Later, we learned that they expected to baby-sit our daughter for the four days we would be gone. Arrangements were already in place to have the other grandparents baby-sit but, we were willing to compromise. We proposed that the EGP could baby-sit for two of the four days. They refused to accept this compromise, stating that since they "spent all this money" they should be able to baby-sit the entire time. Between Jan. and July, 1996, the EGP threatened to cancel the cruise if we didn't comply with their every demand. One week before our wedding they said they cancelled the cruise. A few days later they reinstated their offer and accepted our initial compromise of baby-sitting two days. We no longer considered this a "gift" because there were "strings attached" and it was NOT given out of the goodness of their hearts. Therefore, we said, "no thanks." The next thing we knew, the EGP said they canceled the rehearsal dinner.
Holidays were the worst of all. The first X-mas with our daughter is not particular a happy memory. We had a time conflict between families but thought the EGP would be happy if we spent X-mas morning with them. My family rearranged plans so that we could avoid trouble with the EGP. When we arrived, my SIL immediately informed us that if we didn't return later in the day at the scheduled time, she would return all our gifts. The EGP took the opportunity to give us a lecture on family and THEIR feelings rather than embracing the spirit of the holiday. We attempted to persuade them that this wasn't the time for a quarrel but they refused to listen and refused to acknowledge OUR feelings. We chose to leave. Before the following X-mas we introduced the idea of rotating Thanksgiving and X-mas but they would have no part in that discussion! They thought we should just be like they were when their children were younger; running from one family home to another. However, we felt this didn't allow for any quality family time. And, we were hoping to start our own family tradition.
Mother's Day, 1997...My MIL made arrangements for the family to see a movie while she was to stay at home with our daughter. My mother made a cake for her, as a favor to us. My husband's work schedule caused him to run late so we left our daughter with my parents, went to the movies and then to the EGP house for dessert. Instead of being grateful for spending time with ther children on Mother's Day, she pouted over not being able to see our daughter.
Mother's Day, 1998...We were having a nice visit, watching MIL open her gifts. No knowing what to give her, we placed a gift certificate in side the card; or so we thought. Apparently we left the gift certificate at home. Later that day, we received phone call after phone call about how upset she was that we didn't get her a gift. We tried to explain that we misplaced it. A couple of days later we found the gift certificate, delivered it to her along with flowers and our sincerest apologies. She was neither gracious, appreciative or forgiving. Instead, she attempted to manipulate Michael into feeling guilty.
EGP Anniversary, 1998...We delivered their card a day late (Michael's sister had given us the wrong date) and the usual harassing began again. The EGP phoned Michael and when I got on the extension his mother said, "I'm talking to my son" and promptly hung up. Other family members used this as yet another opportunity to make harassing phone calls and to let us know we were rude and selfish. Go figure! That same weekend was also my MIL's birthday. Originally we helped plan a surprise party for her but after the anniversary fiasco, I couldn't handle another confrontation so I stayed home with our daughter. Mike felt obligated to attend. Upon his arrival he was greeted with "Where is my granddaughter?" She became angry and was ungrateful that her son came empty-handed. She continued to cause a scene in front of the other family members, including her two other young grandchildren. So Michael left.
We have always felt the EGP were acting like parents, not grandparents. There is a room at their house dedicated to our daughter with enough toys and clothing for several children. In the earlier days, we were not allowed to take any of the toys/clothing to our home. In the first year of our daughter's life they took away many "firsts" that parents anticipate with excitement. They bought her 1st pair of shoes, her 1st winter coat, took her for her 1st Santa visit--all without our knowledge until after the fact. After we thanked them for these gestures we asked that they refrain from doing those kinds of things with her. They were once in a lifetime moments that WE wanted to share with our daughter. They were instantly offended and insisted they had a right to do anything they wanted with her! Many of these "firsts" were captured in photos but we never saw them until we got to court. We don't understand why they didn't want to share those with us.
