PARAGON CITY - From afar they look to be a normal adult and boy sidekick super team. Who hasn't heard of the enigmatic duo Dr. Chernobyl and Lightning Kid? But their fellow teammates in the Paragon Defense Authority share with us their hidden secrets regarding their ongoing public scandals and court battles.

Investigative work by the Tattler has revealed a flurry of court settlements and plea bargains concerning the nature of their 'relationship', as well as shocking information about how the supergroup Paragon Defense Authority is incompetently run.

"Look, it really isn't hard to understand. They're family. However dysfunctional it may appear to outsiders." - Street Fire, fellow member of the Paragon Defense Authority.

Allegations of improper sidekick usage have flown from hero to hero. When asked about this, Dr. Chernobyl himself was quoted as saying, "Those records were sealed by the courts!" For the most part, Dr. Chernobyl and Lightning Kid's teammates have tried to back them up.

"The Doc and Kid? Never known a pair as close as them. You can see it when they work together-you don't get that kind of action without a real kind of intimacy. Er. In the family kinda way, of course! The Doc, he's like a dad more than anything. Always being worried when Lightning Kid's looking at girls, and never shying away from giving his nephew a hug when the boy needs it! Yeah, the Doc's all about physical reinforcement of affection, yessir. Lots of dads could learn from that example. The two are a real inspiration, and I'm proud to serve with them! As long as we're not around bus stops. That's just messy. Um. That last part was off the record, right? Y-you stopped writing... I-i just assumed..." - Captain Ghoul, fellow member of the Paragon Defense Authority. "Dr. Chernobyl? Well, he said he had dreams about Statesboy... He wouldn't say about what, but I think he mentioned it while we were fighting hydra tentacles. I'm sure it isn't anything weird, Dr. Chernobyl is a great man!" - Sewa, robot member of the Paragon Defense Authority.

While records on any charges against Dr. Chernobyl have been sealed by the courts, people are beginning to wonder. "They, uh... they have a real chemistry, those two..." said Major Leaf, a powerful tanker for the PDA. The Major declined further comment, instead muttering about how 'this probably wouldn't even be allowed in Canada'.

Allegations aside, Lightning Kid may seem like a normal young hero, but underneath all his flash beats the heart of a complete moron. Witnesses have come forward detailing how time after time Lightning Kid would be trapped in a pit in Faultline, unable to get out, having apparently forgotten that he could fly.

"I once saw Lightning Kid get beaten up by a bus stop. I'm not kidding! A real honest to goodness bus stop!" - Mister Glacier, fellow PDA member. Some have suggested that the constant radiation being emitted from Dr. Chernobyl is what's caused Lightning Kid's slower mind. Dr. Chernobyl has repeatedly rejected these claims as 'mind-bogglingly stupid'. "Some people aren't as stupid as they appear. It's a clever trick to make people let their guards down. It usually works. In Lightning Kid's case, he never has to worry about people discovering he's tricking them." - Street Fire.

The Tattler has also uncovered evidence that Lightning Kid was nearly coerced into joining the terrifying organization known as the 5th Colu organization that formerly existed before the Council appeared. Only due to Dr. Chernobyl's neglect and incompetence did the child come so close to being subverted to their horrible cause. Lightning Kid even went so far as to using a specialized uniform for them. "The pitiful FOOL will soon learn his place within the 5th Co- uh, I mean, 'the organization that the Council recently took over'..." - Raserei Shultz, one of the last remaining hold-outs in that former villain group. The one we don't talk about anymore.

Finally, the Tattler has uncovered evidence involving the shoddy management of the team's leader, Dr. Chernobyl. "He's more corrupt than the Liberals during an adscam campaign!" said the Canuck. He quickly added, "Uh, I guess you have to be Canadian to get that..." Rumours about funding going down the drain, and the sheer uncaring attitude of Dr. Chernobyl regarding he safety of his teammates have flown back and forth. The Canuck's nemesis on the team, the Separatist, said, "No comment. But vive Quebec!"

In response to these serious charges, Dr. Chernobyl said, "Those people are just a big bunch of whiners. I swear. When those pukes finally get killed by the Hellions, or Skulls, or whoever, it's going to be ME laughing!" "The Doc's not SO bad. If you work with him, he really does seem dedicated to helping people, even despite all the secrets, and the lies, and the total jerkishness, and the pedo-AGHGHOULGETOFF!" - Spiritcaller, member of the Paragon Defense Authority. The comment was interrupted by Captain Ghoul for unknown reasons.

Not all PDA members spoke well of the Doctor. "What in the h--- was I thinking agreeing to help this a--hat? I'm getting a bad reputation from hanging out with him. But I keep getting kicked out of other supergroups because of all the deaths. It's not my fault civilians don't know how to duck when I autofire." - Lawgiver, co-leader of the Paragon Defense Authority.

Nevertheless, both experts and team members agree that despite their internal differences, the Paragon Defense Authority is strong and vibrant, and will continue to be so just so long as they don't kill each other

The Tattler attempted to interview Lightning Kid, however was stymied when the young lad saw something shiny and flew away.