The Worst Movies...Ever

Not all movies are good. Some are downright horrific. And for those I save a special place in my heart...and on this website. Some are unwatchable and should be avoided like the plague. Some have provided a sick pleasure for me that only a truly horrible movie can bring. All are bad. So, without further ado, here is my personal movie dis-honor roll.

DoppleGanger

An early 90's Drew Barrymore movie that defies logic...over and over again. I also wanted to let this off the hook just because it's a B-Movie, but it was just too horrible. Me and my brother found some strange fun in watching and making fun of this "epic". I think they just kept changing the script as they were filming. And they were on crack. Definitely large doses of crack.

Unbreakable

Ouch. I actually considered trying to get a refund after renting this "movie". What's truly impressive is that they were able to make a film with two of the best actors out there (Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis) and make the worst film of either of there careers in one movie. Bravo. One of me and my brother's favorite derisive comments is now the ultra-sarcastic, "But I bet it's no 'Unbreakable'".

Titanic

I don't even have to see it to make this judgement.

The Great White Hype

This was one of those movies that I was really hype up to see and was greatly disappointed. The cast is a good one, especially for a comedy (Samuel L. Jackson, Damon Wayans, Jeff Goldblum, Jamie Foxx). The plot sounds very promising: a Don King-like (Jackson, of course) promoter has a champion (Wayans) that is running through opponents so easily that people don't care about his matches and don't buy them. So, Jackson builds up a smokescreen of hype around a little-known white guy who beat Wayans once and promotes it like mad. To be fair, Jackson isn't bad in this, though he still doesn't steal the show like he should given the character. Damn near everything else, though, sucks. Horribly boring and extremely unfunny (the premise sounds a gazillion times funnier than anything that actually happens in the movie). Just overall suckfest that disappointed royally.

Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom

How could they have gone any more wrong on this one. This movie demonstrates the cash-in-while-it's-hot principle as well as any movie and displays all that's wrong with it. First of all, horrible script for anybody not named Harrison Ford. The "hot chick" in this one (who reall wasn't all that hot), is especially horrible in a comic relief role. I don't think I could have wrote worse and cheesier lines if I tried. Oh and she big-time over acted everything. The only memorable thing about this was the beating heart scenes and they are the only reasons I can think of why anyone would remember this fondly. Thankfully, I don't.

Any Given Sunday

Oh god, where do I start. This movie tries to be a million things and sucks at them all with gusto. It tries to show what "really goes on" in the life of the aging coach played by Pacino. Then it completely bursts the reality aspect with a mind-numbingly stupid sequence on the field where a player gets his eye knocked out on the ground. What's wrong with this picture? Pacino's character's also not all that tremendously interesting as he fumbles to regain control over his personal and professional life. Really the only bright spot is Jamie Foxx, who plays a Deion Sanders-style primadonna, and actually shows he can act. I didn't really expect that and he did a great job considering the absolute shit around him. The rest, though, yikes. The eyeball popping out on the field really is a definitive moment, and not in a good way.

Office Space

Once again we have a movie that benefitted (in the worst rankings anyways) by being a grand disappointment that I had very much looked forward to. I was a fan of Beavis & Butthead and liked Mike Judge's first full length movie (which was a B&B cartoon), so I'm not at all turned off by his humor. The previews for this movie made it seem like a must-see with some good quotable stuff. Once again, the premise sounded really good: A guy who just stops caring about work (this time through hypnosis if I remember the (horrible) plot correctly) and fucks with everyone. Somehow a somewhat serious movie like American Beauty pulls this off thousands of times funnier than this "comedy". Really the only funny parts in the movie are the ones I saw in the trailers. The movie moved so soooo slowly with nothing funny coming along except for said preview material. The first time I watched this with my cousin we got bored and stopped watching it midway through to surf the net. To tell the truth I'd have done damn near anything at that point just to keep from falling asleep. Walk the dog. Check! Clean up the house. Check! Listen to Vanilla Ice...well I did eventually go back to see the movie later (just to give it a fair shot), so it's safe to say even I wouldn't go as far as to give Mr. Rob Van Winkle an extra listen or two. Oh, in case you were wondering, the movie sucked even more the second time through. If I were faced with a 3rd time I might just hook myself up with the Ice Man.

Soul Survivors

Oh god was this one horrible movie. From the opening scene where the lead character is stalked and "killed" by guys in what i guess are supposed to be "scary" masks, I knew this was going to be bad. I was only watching it because the night before I had heard on the Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back commentary track that Eliza Dushku had a lesbian scene in this one. With my head running wild with thoughts of Eliza, I figured what the hell. I mean it's got Casey Affleck, so it can't be that bad. Scratch that, it can be and it is. For the longest time the only reason that I kept watching this was for the Eliza les scene. When it finally came and went unspectacularly, I decided I had to see just how bad this movie could be. It didn't dissapoint. With fifteen minutes left I finally figured out the movie's "surprise ending"; the only way they could possibly get out of the mess they had gotten themselves in was to pull the "it was all a dream" ending out of the bag (with a slight variation in this case). Awful awful movie and only recommended to watch it if you wanna see how bad it is.

Jurassic Park 3

Oh how the mighty have fallen. At least I had fun making fun of it.

Down to You

Just too strange of a movie. If the director hadn't been on acid this probably would've rated a letter grade or so higher. Not a horrible story, but way to many weird back and forth effects (kinda like Pulp Fiction or Jackie Brown only without any real reason).