| Marty's Rules of Dating Our Daughter |
| 1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up! 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 3. I am aware that it is fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. No offense, but you and your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this, so I propose a compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely to your waist. 4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some sort of barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. 5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early". 6. I have no doubt you're a popular guy, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you go out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 7. As you stand in my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose-down parka---zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain-saws are ok. Hockey games are ok; old folks homes are better. 9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 75 acres behind the house....DO NOT mess with me. 10. Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands up and in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely & early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside---the camouflaged face in the window is mine. |
| Yeah I know, we've got a few years to go, but you can't blame the guy for being prepared, lmao |
| Note: Since I received this in an e-mail last year, a tv show has been developed starring John Ritter called "8 Simple Rules" and having read these 8 rules, it definitely looks to me as if they were taken from this list (this is just my opinion though), although reworded somewhat, so i wasn't the only one who thought it was funny, lol. |