Weather Report 28th May 2001

Ja Boet, what a Saturday hey? All that expectancy tension for the Sharks

against the Brumbies. The tension must have got to me, I had to scream

Shaaaarks! down the big white Australian telephone early in the morning just

to let them know one supporter was awake. Could have been the Italian food

and copious quantities of Chardonnay the previous evening though? Brumbies

are what those sheep-shaggers who live near the plug call wild horses, so

what chance were our fish out of water going to have against them on dry

land? Now when it comes to the waterpolo game later in the year...?

The planned celebrations must have turned into a sorrow drowning exercise as

only 20 riders were at the Shark's Board for a dirt road rumble. It was an

afternoon where the MTB gods missed a single skin sacrifice - riders 1 MTB

gods 0 - also George Halekas finally joined the Club, welcome George! and

'Never Debbie' Deborah christened her new Tassajarra on the dirt. I must

confess to not having enjoyed any procreation thrill when first getting my

excited leg over Sugar last year, but an innocently coincidental gestation

period has certainly has seen a proliferation of junior Gary Fishers

appearing around the Club. And there I was thinking osmosis was a Moslem!

Sunday was the KZNMBA Classic at Hilton with its stunning views from the

cliffs of Otto's Bluff across the Albert Fall's plain where the dam's

surface and that of Peattie's Lake and one or two others shimmered in the

low light of an overcast sky, resembling the puddles of aim errors in a

gents public urinal. Dwelling on the nethers for a while, I wonder why there

was only one portaloo? Those early morning starts do tend to coincide with

necessary body functions and one loo always results in two certainties - a

long queue and only enough loo paper for the first ten in the line. This

results in that desperate debate between whether to clench tight like its a

two hour downhill race, or not being able to bite your finger nails for a

long while! Of course if you've been through Boy Scout training you always

have that little square of paper and its precious torn off corner safely

stored your pocket.

The morning also reintroduced us all to the joys of Winter's breath, as it

was cold enough for a few passing brass monkeys to be chattering in high

pitched voices. The Club had a large turn out - Keith Bennett, Shellton

Smit, Bev 'the Babe' King, Chris Jourdan, Paul Melville, Andy 'The Educator'

Clemmow, Les Warr, Geoff 'The Environmentalist' and brother Chris Purnell,

Johan and Aletta Wykerd, Dave Hamliton, the good doctors Myron and Natalie

Schultz and Rob Montgomery (was Erica doing her Comrades training?) - were

those I saw gathered at the start.

Aletta Wykerd won the Vets Ladies and came third in the Open Women's

section. Paul Melville won the Men's Vets section with Andy Clemmow in third

place. The rest of us rode our ?'s off, finished, drank heavily and ate

tartare hamburgers.

Paul Melville also joins Aletta Wykerd as Club members who have been

selected to represent our fine land at the World Master's Mountainbike

Championships in Bromont, Canada at the end of August this year. Our

congratulations to them both. A fundraising event to assist them and

hopefully build the Club's development fund is being planned. More details

on this will be released shortly after all the necessary permissions have

been granted.

Here's the lighter part of the Weather Report:

To everyone who has kids you will enjoy this especially the last bit of

advice....

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,

grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students....

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the

thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first

thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve we have forbidden

fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He

hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said,

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve

should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has

never changed!

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and

lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be

hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think

it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the

aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Pity they only tell us now.

>A young family moved into a house next door to a

>vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to

>start building a house on the empty lot. The young

>family's six year old daughter naturally took an

>interest in all the activity going on next door and

>started talking with the workers. She hung around and

>eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough,

>all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of

>project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit

>with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and

>gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her

>feel important. At the end of the first week they even

>presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

>The little girl took this home to her mother who said

>all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested

>that they take the dollar pay she had received to the

>bank the next day to start a savings account. When

>they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed

>with the story and asked the little girl how she had

>come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

>The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working

>with a crew building a house all week."

>"My goodness gracious," said the teller. "And will you

>be working on the house again this week, too?"

>"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber

>yard ever bring us the f..king wood," replied the

>little girl.

>A first grade teacher in New Zealand explains to her

>class that she is an All Blacks Rugby fan.

>She asks her students to raise their hands if they,

>too, are All Blacks fans.

>Everyone in the class raises their hand except one

>little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with

>surprise and says, "Lynn, why didn't you raise

>your hand?"

>"Because I'm not an All Blacks fan," she replied.

>The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are

>not an All Blacks fan, then who are you a fan of?"

>"I am a Springboks fan, and proud of it," Lynn

>replied.

>The teacher could not believe her ears. "Lynn, why are

>you a Springboks fan?"

>"Because my mom and dad are both Springboks fans, so

>I'm a Springboks fan too!"

>"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone,

>"That is no reason for you to be a Springboks fan. You

>don't have to be just like your parents

>all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and

>your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

>"Then," Lynn smiled, "I'd be a All Blacks fan."

Reproduced from Rugby Forum:

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they

conceal is vital. Aaron Levenstein

On trying to stop Phil Horrocks-Taylor - Every time I went to tackle him,

Horrocks went one way, Taylor went the other, and all I got was the bloody

hyphen. Nick England

The Holy Writ of Gloucester Rugby Club demands: first, that the forwards

shall win the ball; second, that the forwards shall keep the ball; and

third, the backs shall buy the beer. Doug Ibbotson

Dean Richards is nicknamed Warren, as in warren ugly bastard! Jason

Leonard

We've lost seven of our last eight matches. Only team that we've beaten was

Western Samoa. Good job we didn't play the whole of Samoa. Gareth Davies

bemoaning Wales' fortunes in 1989

Heard this and thought it appropriate to our sport:

'Don't spend your life putting off happiness.' (So tell all your friends

sitting on their couches over the weekend to dust off their bikes and join

us having happiness!)