jokes

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS...

Did you hear the one about...
    AFTER QUASIMODO'S DEATH, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
     After observing several appliants demonstrate their skills, the bishop decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
     The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" he said.
     "No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
     The man began to strike the bells with his face and produced a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment. He was convinced that he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
     But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
     By the time he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure. They had already been drawn to the spot by the beautiful music heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
     "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

     THE FOLLOWING DAY, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless companologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
     The bishop agreed to give the man an audition. As the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot. The bishop was shocked.
     Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the belfry stairs to his side. "What has happened?" asked the first monk breathlessly. "Who is this man?" inquired the other monk, doubled over.
     "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop. "But he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

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                                    A Director's Limerick
          "When I give you a cue
          You just haven't a clue!
          Am I going crazy
          Or are you just lazy?"
          They answered, "Both are probably true!"

                                     A Ringer's Limerick
          An audience member said: "Say,
          How do you ring those handbells that way?"
          The ringer said, "Listen you,
          There are three things that I do...
          I grab, and I swing, and I pray!"

The Classic "...Walks into a Bar..." ala Handbells!!
     Three belles (C, E-flat and G) walk into a bar for a rest. The bartender bellows, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors here." Rather than chime in and create further dischord, E-flat drops out of earshot and C and G decide to share an open fifth without their pal. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat on the table!
     Then another belle, F, who quietly listened to the trio, cozies up to the bar. She tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. The bartender refuses to change his earlier handling of E-flat. "What does she play me for, an idiot?" he complains to F.
     The front door opens and D, a belle with real flair, waltzes in. Taking measured steps to the ladies' room, her voice sweetly rings out, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then another one, A, attempts to follow the lead of D. The bartender, however, doesn't miss a beat. He is not fooled into thinking that this relative of C is not a minor too. He directs her out of the bar with a wave of his hand.
     Then the bartender swings around and sees B-flat hiding at the end of the bar. With a crescendo in his voice, he shouts, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've caught in this bar tonight!"
     One hour later, E-flat reenters the bar solo and is dressed in black and white concert wear. The bartender flicks his wrist at her and says in a sing-song voice, "You're looking rather sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development."
     Making herself comfortable, E-flat peals off her white gloves. To the surprise of the bartender, she proceeds to remove everything and becomes au natural! He decides she must really be playing him.
     Another belle, C, shuffling cards at the bar, is striken in horror at this risque sight! She does not want to be under a rest for playing in the wrong place at the wrong time. She tries to run out of the bar, but is caught by a policeman who places her in a hold. The cop has a bird's-eye for spotting dissonance like her.
     After hearing that C has a record in another state, the prosecutor won't listen to C's side of the story. Poor C is brought to trial and found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor. She is sentenced to ten years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
     But this tale ends on a positive note! After a resounding appeal, C is cleared by the court of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all of the State's motions in the case are bass-less and urges C to stay out of treble by avoiding bars!