One minute he was sitting across the table from Hercules, enjoying a tankard of ale and the view of the barmaid bending over to serve the customers at the next table; a blink of an eye later, and Iolaus found himself dangling upside down in the gloomy confines of one of Ares' temples, with the God of War himself grinning evilly at him from about two feet away, the business end of a dagger pointed right at the Golden Hunter's throat.

"Long time, no see, Sunshine," Ares purred throatily, gently caressing Iolaus' throat with the dagger.

"Not long enough!" the hunter snapped, a bit taken aback by the sudden change in surroundings. Generally speaking, a smiling, purring Ares was an Ares with evil on his mind. In other words, like usual.

"Let us go, you fiend!" snapped a very familiar voice to Iolaus' far right. Twisting his neck in that direction in an attempt to confirm the speaker, the blonde hero found himself facing a clueless-as-usual Joxer, who was also dangling from the temple ceiling.

"Hey," Joxer greeted him with his trademark goofy smile, " How's it hanging?"

Scowling and ignoring the inquiry, the hunter craned his neck to peer around the dangling would-be hero. Sure enough, there was Gabrielle at the far end of the temple, looking royally pissed. Iolaus couldn't fathom the reason for her annoyance; unlike the men, she was strapped to one of Ares' torture racks, not hanging like a side of beef from the ceiling.

"Don't get your knickers in knot, Blondie. You'll get your turn," Ares promised before turning his attention back to Iolaus.

"You lot have been a collective pain in my backside for years," he purred to Iolaus, caressing the hunter's cheek with the dagger point, "I've decided I just don't need the grief anymore. Plus, I've finally found a way to make your pitiful demises benefit me."

Iolaus replied by snarling, "Herc will be here any moment to kick your evil a�"

"An' just what will ye be doin' wi' the likes of these?" purred a whole new voice, a deeply feminine contralto, as a red sparkle condensed into a tall, voluptuous redhead to Ares' right.

She cleared six feet easy, and her mass of tight, cascading sun-red curls, held in place by a golden circlet around her brow, made her seem even taller. She was fair-skinned, well muscled, and tightly packed in all the right places, with large green eyes that sparkled with malevolent curiosity as she avidly regarded the captives. She was clad in a very short black leather kilt, black copper-decorated thigh-high boots, with a matching, copper-studded neckguard that extended over the top of her shoulders, topped by a cloak of some sort of long, rich fox-red fur. A wide variety of richly jeweled but still nasty looking weapons completed her ensemble.

For his part, Iolaus was avidly regarding her right back, and mentally thanking Ares' for his new position, which was allowing him a clear, close-up view of the redhead's generous, barely contained, bosom. The coppery chain-mail corset she wore frankly didn't seem up to the strain that bosom was putting on it, and Iolaus could easily picture it flying across the temple if she took a deep breath.

He dearly hoped she would take a deep breath. Soon.

Ares interrupted this happy train of thought by answering the redhead's question. Handing her the dagger, he purred, "Their fates, my dear, I leave up to you."

She accepted it with her own version of Ares' evil smile.

"Oh, an' would ye be tryin' to buy me favors, Ares?" she asked archly, caressing her own cheek with the dagger, the other hand resting on her outthrust hip. She batted those sparkling green eyes coquettishly.

"Who wouldn't be trying, m'dear?" Ares purred back.

Iolaus and Gabrielle made matching retching sounds at this by-play.

"Oh, for Zeus' sake, just let us go, Ares, and maybe Xena won't kick your butt for this!" Gabrielle growled as she writhed on the rack in a vain attempt to free herself.

Ares snorted. "And you call yourself a bard?" he taunted, "Not very original, are you? Curly over there already tried that. Anyway, there's no way Xena or Baby Brother is coming to the rescue this time, kiddos. They have no idea where you are, and I intend to keep it that way. "

Turning his attention back to the redhead, he indicated his captives with a sweeping wave of his hand.

"I thought your daughters might have some fun with these two first," he nodded at the dangling men, "Then, when they're done, they can take the girl home to ...play with later."

"Fun?" Iolaus echoed hopefully, perking up at the thought of younger versions of the beauty before him.

"My kind of fun, not yours, Bright-eyes," Ares chuckled wickedly

"True, me girls have been off men since that unfortunate incident with that Roman Legion," the redhead said thoughtfully, eyeing Iolaus, "Still, this one seems too good to be wastin'." She reached out to slowly and appreciatively stroke the hunter's exposed chest, with the air of one appraising a fine race horse.

Strolling over to gaze down at the still-struggling Gabrielle, she continued, "Now, this lass would be more to their likin', 'tis true. She'll make a fine bit of diversion for me li'l darlin's." Turning back towards Ares, who was leaning nonchalantly against the wall, buffing his nails on his leather vest, she asked, "An' just what would ye be gettin' outta this deal, Luv?"

The God of War's grin grew even more lecherous.

"No deal, my sweet, charming Bodicea, just call it a gift, from an...admirer. One who hopes to to be allowed to admire all your many charms. From a very... close perspective."

"Ah, na' we're gettin' to it," Bodicea purred, cupping Ares' chin in one hand and bodily wrenching his gaze up from her generous cleavage to meet her in the eye. "An' what if I decide not to be givin' these fine lads to me girls? What if I decide to be keepin' for me own pleasure? What then, War God?"

"Can I watch?" Ares asked simply.

Bodicea threw back her tawny head and laughed, the full-throated, deep-chested, holding-back-nothing laugh of a man.

"Tha's what I like about you, War God," she roared, "No bloody sense of decorum at all!"

"Excuse me, but shouldn't we get a say in all this?" Gabrielle demanded.

"No!" God and Goddess chorused, not taking their eyes off each other.

Smiling, caressing her thigh with Ares' dagger, Bodicea sidled up to the dark god and proceded to run the dagger point lightly along his collarbone, head tilted as she watched his expression. Ares sighed deeply, lips pouting, eyes hooded.

"Ye needn't have gone beatin' 'round the bush so, Ares. All ye had to do was ask" she murmured.

"Oh, this is just great," Iolaus snarled bitterly, "Not only are we gonna get left dangling here like fish on the line, but now we gotta watch Ares get la-"

"Lucky?" Joxer interrupted brightly, managing to earn twin dirty looks from Iolaus and Gabby.

"Hey, get a room, you two!" Gabrielle griped, going back to struggling uselessly at her bonds, "Nobody here wants to see this, you know!"

"Well..." Iolaus hedged as he thought the matter over. Bodicea shot him an intrigued glance over her shoulder. Iolaus smiled back, cranking up the old Iolausian Charm. Hey, it couldn't hurt.

"Take notes, girl, you just might learn something," Ares growled, grabbing Bodicea roughly by the waist and yanking her close for a passionate kiss. Coming up for air minutes later, he added hoarsely, "If you're good and quiet, maybe we'll let Curly give you a pop quiz before turning you over to the girls."

Bodicea pulled away, turning towards the sword strewn altar to clear it with a single sweep of her arm. Grinning, she unhooked her fur cloak and flung it onto the altar top, and then flung Ares on top of the cloak. Licking her lips slowly, back to the dangling men, she gyrated before his appreciative gaze, purring, "I hope your sword is ready for action, War God."

"Yuck,' Gabby commented. Iolaus was too mesmerized by Bodicea's gyrations to comment, and Joxer was too light-headed from hanging upside down so long. Unlike Iolaus, he wasn't used to it.

"I could write better erotic dialogue in my sleep," the bard went on to complain to no-one in particular.

Iolaus heard. "I gotta start readin' those scrolls of hers more closely," he muttered under his breath. Aloud, he said, "Forget what they're saying, I just wanna see how she gets outta that steel whatisit."

"Like this, laddie!" Bodicea sang out gaily, reaching behind her back. Seconds later the chain-mail top flew past Ares' head to ricochet off the temple wall and land just beneath Iolaus' golden locks.

The God of War's eyes got as big as saucers. "Hubba-hubba!" he panted, "I gotta travel North more often!"

"North?" Gabrille asked, managing to distracted herself from the action on the altar by averting her gaze to examine, as best she could, the workmanship of Bodicea's discarded corset.

"Bodicea the Bodacious, who really lives up to her name, is from Hyboria to the north," Ares said absently as he tried to rise and reach for the red-headed goddess. She shoved him flat on his back with one well-muscled leg, planting her copper- studded boot right in the middle of his chest.

"Ah, no, luv, you're not goin' anywhere," she growled.

"Wasn't planning to," Ares countered, grinning, "Don't bother to undress, m'dear. I just love the feel of leather against the skin, don't you?".

"So you're the Hyborian goddess of War?" Gabby asked, eyes still determinedly diverted.

"Aye, and now of Bloody Vengeance, too," Bodciea informed her amiably, "'T'was a truly nasty time those damned Romans gave me girls." Grinning wickedly, she added, "Not that that should worry you, girl. They'll not be doin' that ever again!" She laughed, a soft, very nasty laugh that raised the fine hairs on the back of Gabby's neck.

Bodicea reached into her boot, and withdrew a dagger nearly as long as Iolaus' forearm. Dropping it to the floor, she purred to the still-prone Ares, "We wouldna want ye gettin' cut in any...sensitive spots, luv."

"Not yet," Ares panted, "That comes later."

Bodicea chuckled, "Aye, it does."

"Hey, if we gotta hang here, could you at least turn around?" Iolaus asked, "I can't see a damned thing from this angle. Except Ares, and I've seen way too much of him already!"

"I can!" Gabbrielle complained, "Wayyyy too much!"

"No such thing," Iolaus demurred, twisting in a vain attempt to secure a better view.

"Don't you think we've got more important things to worry about right now, Iolaus?" Gabby demanded.

"Hey, I'm just saying if we're gonna be stuck here anyway, we might as well make the best of the situation! That's what Herc's always telling me!"

Gabby wasn't buying it. "Well, I certainly don't want to see this!" she snarled, giving her bonds another futile yank.

"Excitable wee thing, is she?" Bodicea commented, divesting herself of her sword, her battle-axe, three more daggers of varying lengths, and her studded leather neckguard, "Aye, me girls will be havin' a fine bit o'fun wi' her!"

She grinned lecherously at the god sprawled on the altar.

"Your turn, studly. Time to be showin' the Pride of Greece!"

"The 'Pride of Greece'?!" Iolaus snorted, "Phul-leeze!"

Nodding towards the dangling hunter, Ares asked, "Are you sure you wouldn't like to indulge in a little bloodshed first, m'dear? Just to get us in the mood?"

"I am in the mood!" Bodicea growled throatily, slipping one last remaining dagger from her other boot. Leaning forward to caress the god's chest with its shining blade, she purred, "Anyway, shouldn't we be savin' a little somethin' for later?"

"Oh, I've got plenty planned for later," Ares promised her.

"Gods, Xena, what is taking you so long!" Gabby snarled, yanking viciously at her bonds again.

"Hush, now, lass, ye'll be doin' yerself a harm," Bodicea commanded. Turning back to Ares, she went on, " Enough wi' the foreplay, luv. Time ta show me how much of a man ye are!" So saying, she reached down, took a good, firm grip on his waistband, and yanked, ripping the leather trousers apart like they were thin paper.

Joxer let out a low, impressed whistle.

"That's it, I'm blinded for life!" Gabby moaned.

"Big deal. Herc's got more," Iolaus snickered.

Ares shot him a filthy look.

"If you don't mind, and even if you do, shut the hell up!" he snapped at the hanging hunter, who replied with another snicker.

"Ohhhh, touchy-touchy, aren't we? Hit a sore spot, did I?" Iolaus taunted, "I'll have to remember to tell Herc this when he gets here. He should be arriving any minute, y'know. He always does; good ol' dependable Herc."

"I'll damned well touch-" Ares began, only to be halted in mid-threat by the temple door flying passed.

"Dammit, Ares, where is he-errrk!" Hercules skidded to halt, just inside the temple door, cheeks flaming, jaw dropping in shock as his brain registered the bizarre scene before him.

"Oh, gods!" the flustered demigod gasped, gulping and doing his best to look anywhere but the altar, where a bare-breasted redhead loomed over his half-brother who was naked from the waist down, shredded leather pants around his ankles. Blushing furiously, it took Hercules a second or two to remember just why he was there.

Oh, yeah. Iolaus.

"So, ahhh, you guys alright?" he stuttered faintly, trying to focus on his dangling friend at the exclusion of the other activity around him.

"Yeah, yeah, haven't laid a hand on them yet," Ares growled sullenly, sitting up, "Didn't your mother ever teach you to knock? For that matter, haven't you heard 'if the temple is a rockin', don't come a knockin'?" He glared at the flustered demigod.

Bodicea was regarding the hero with open curiosity as he sidled further into the temple, angling towards his dangling partner while keeping as much distance as possible between himself and the pair at the altar. The arm she held across her chest doing little to hide her ample charms, she asked brightly, "Who's this, then? Friend o' your, Ares?"

"Hiya, Herc!" Iolaus chirped, "Took a while to find us, huh?"

"Herc?" Bodicea purred, "As in 'got more' Herc?"

"Huh?!" Startled, Hercules stared right at her for second. She dropped her arm; he dropped his gaze, gulped again, and suddenly found the ceiling absolutely fascinating.

"Hey, where's Xena?" Gabrielle asked, sounding very disappointed the Warrior Princess was not in evidence.

"I'm here, Gabrielle!" Xena shouted, running through the gaping doorway to skid to an abrupt halt just like Hercules. Taking in the scene at a glance, she snapped irritably, "Training yet another 'prot�g�', Ares?"

"Oh, I'm needin' na trainin', girl!" Bodicea assured her cheerfully, "An' who would ye be?"

"Old girlfriend!" Ares grumbled, mounting frustration showing on his handsome features.

"Ahhh, really, now?" Bodicea grinned. "An' just how friendly an old girlfriend are ye?"

Ares blinked, a lecherous grin slowly spreading across his face as the implication of the question sunk in.

"Oh, I love the way your mind works!" he crooned, glancing hopefully at Xena.

"Not that damned friendly!" the Warrior Princess snapped, nonetheless looking a tad intrigued herself.

Hercules who had by now reached Iolaus and Joxer, was in the process of snapping the chain supporting the hunter when he happened to glance towards the temple front, just as the very friendly redhead sidled up to Xena, purring, "Good, strong thighs ye've got there, luv." She then demonstrated her admiration of said thighs.

Gabby squawked, Joxer gaped, Xena snarled, and Hercules dropped Iolaus on his head.

"Damnit, Herc!" Iolaus growled from the floor, where he lay in an awkward jumble.

"Oops! Sorry!"Hercules mumbled, tearing his gaze away to scoop the still cussing hunter up under his left arm just as Xena somersaulted away from Bodicea to land on the altar, just behind Ares, and launched her chakram at the redhead with a piercing war whoop.

The chakram bounced harmlessly off the goddess's ample bosom, shot across the temple, and sliced through Joxer's support chain, ricocheted off the wall behind him, and ended up flying back towards Xena, who neatly caught it just as Ares tilted his head backwards, leered up, and observed, "Nice view from here, Xena." He smirked.

Hercules caught Joxer's chain with his right hand just before the would-be warrior made contact with the floor and sprinted towards the door.

"Hey!" Iolaus protested as they sped across the temple, "Where ya goin' Herc?! Show's not over!"

"Ye, got that right, me darlin'," Bodicea drawled, materializing just in front of the demigod, blocking the exit.

"Ares' old girlfriend is na very friendly," she went on, stalking the nervous hero with a predatory gleam in her eye, "How about it, luv? Are ye more of a friendly sort, Herc?"

"Hey, is that Bodicea? Turn around, Herc! I can't see!" Iolaus begged, craning his neck.

"Ahhh, have we met before?" Hercules stalled, backing away with his burdens, trying valiantly to tear his gaze off the goddess' ample charms and find another escape route.

Bodicea grinned, "Na, luv, but I'm hopin' we'll get better acquainted!" Taking full advantage of the situation, she grabbed the demigod's waistband and let rip.

Leather tore, Bodicea grinned, Ares cursed, and Hercules' cheeks turned even redder just as Xena's chakram smacked into the side of the goddess red head.

"Now, damnit, girl, why would ye want to be doin' that just as I was enjoyin' the view?!" Bodicea demanded, snatching the chakram from mid-air and spinning to send it flying back at the Warrior Princess, who had leaped off the altar and was somersaulting towards the rack where Gabby lay bound.

"I'm not enjoying it!" Joxer griped from his upside-down position as he dangled from Hercules' fist.

"What'd I tell you? Bigger, right?" Iolaus chortled.

"Yeah, well now I know why you call him 'Big Guy'," Joxer said, "And I thought it was because he was so tall."

"Get real! You wouldn't believe how many bar bets we've won!" the hunter bragged, giggling.

The demigod looked down, abruptly realized the up-close-and-personal view Joxer was getting, and promptly dropped the young warrior to make a frantic grab for his pants, shyly half-turning towards the wall in a bid for some privacy.

Iolaus chirped happily, finally getting his longed-for view just as Xena flipped over Gabby's rack, chopping through her leather bonds with the chakram on her way, landed and immediately flipped back over to high-kick the Goddess of Bloody Vengeance full in the face as the young bard pulled her wrists free, sat up, and started yanking at the leather binding her ankles.

"MOVE it, Gabrielle!" Xena barked, flowing the high kick with another. Only this time, Bodicea caught her by the ankle, leaving the fuming Warrior Princess balanced on one leg, the other hoisted high in the air.

"Hmm, ye be right about the view, Ares," Bodicea commented, causing the god to chuckle as Xena's face grew even grimmer.

"I'll view you!" she snapped, somehow managing the gravity-defying maneuver of kicking the goddess in the face with her other boot, then twisting and flipping in mid-air to land solidly on both feet when Bodicea grunted and released her ankle.

Having managed to free her ankles, Gabrielle dashed past Hercules, who was still fumbling and yanking at his pants. Hopping over the bound warrior struggling on the floor as she made for the door, the young bard snapped, "Quit fooling around, Joxer!"

"I'm not fooling around!" Joxer whined, "I can't get loose-and I can still see you!" This last was addressed at Hercules.

"Then quit looking!" the flustered demigod snapped, just about at the end of his rope as he continued to divide his attention between trying to get his pants up and hang onto the still struggling hunter. Silently, he swore to forgo leather the next time he went for new clothes, even though he loved the feel of leather against his skin.

"Leggo, Herc!" Iolaus growled, wriggling, "I still can't see Bodicea very well from here!"

"I think we've all seen quite enough of Bodicea!" Hercules growled right back, managing to get his pants over his knees.

"Speak for yourself!" Iolaus grumbled, wriggling voilently in a bid for freedom, "All I can see from here is your butt!"

"Well, you don't need to be seeing Ares', too!" Hercules snarled, viciously yanking at his waistband, "And if you do that again I'm throwing you all the way back to Athens!"

"Who the hell's lookin' at Ares?!" the hunter demanded.

"Really, I'm hurt, Blondie," Ares smirked, never taking his eyes off the Xena/Bodicea catfight. He was lounging on the fur-strewn altar, leaning back on a couple of large, fluffy, tassled pillows and nibbling a bunch of grapes, wine goblet at his elbow; one corner of the fur was flipped over his hips, but it did little to conceal the fact that he was obviously enjoying the show.

And show was just what it was, Iolaus abruptly realized. Bodicea was putting on a 'show' for Ares' benefit- and the god was enjoying every blessed second.

"Hey, you could help, y'know!" Hercules snapped, jiggling his partner irritably.

Iolaus grinned. "Still chained, remember, Big Guy?" he asked teasingly as his chains clanked as he wriggled once more.

Teeth gritted, Hercules gave a mighty yank and managed to drag the reluctant leather up. Waistband gripped firmly, Hercules stepped over the still prone and struggling Joxer and bolted out the door.

"Hey, Herc, what about Jacka-Joxer?" Iolaus managed to ask between gritted teeth as he bumped along under the demigod's arm.

"Xena will get him!" Hercules grunted, and kept right on making tracks away from the temple, which quickly vanished in the distance.

"Hiiyaaa!" Xena cried triumphantly, flipping over the goddess and dashing out after the departing demigod. Seconds later she was astride Argo, with Gabrielle behind her, and the golden horse was flying towards the nearest village at full, glorious gallop.

"Joxer?!" Gabby gasped, clinging to Xena's waist.

The Warrior Princess frowned slightly. "Hercules has him," she decided with a shrug.

Inside the now-peaceful temple, Ares purred, "Want them back, Snookums?"

"Na!" Bodicea proclaimed, "I've got me juices flowing now, Ares, an' from tha looks o'things, so do ye!" She leapt onto his lap, spilling the remaining grapes and wine.

"Got that right, gal!" Ares agreed, going flat on his back.

"Hey! "Joxer protested from the floor near the door.

And that was when two more red sparkles appeared, turning into twin statuesque redheads, each a slightly younger version of Bodicea.

"Maaww," one whined, "We're gettin' bored!"

"Yeah, when do we get to be havin' some fun?" her twin asked, leering hopefully in Ares' direction.

Bodicea grinned over her shoulder, and gestured towards Joxer.

"I'm sorry, me darlin's, but ye'll have to share," she told them.

Ares favored the girls with a fatherly smile.

"Be sure to ask him why he's called 'Joxer the Mighty'," he suggested, making shooing motions as he added, "But do it outside!"

Joxer smiled weakly up at the redhead who bent to grab his collar as her sister grabbed his ankles. Together, they easily hoisted him up and carted him out the temple door.

"Hi," he tried hopefully, "You and your sister seem like nice girls."

"Na yet, luv, but we'll see how 'nice' we'll be bein'," she answered cheerfully, as they lugged the bound hero around the side of the temple. There, just behind it, was a regal campaign tent set up, the sort traveling kings favored. Flipping aside the doorflap, they carried Joxer inside and dumped him on a pile of furs. Reaching down, the girl who had spoken ripped Joxer's chains off with one dainty hand.

The daughters of Bodicea stepped back, took a long, appraising look, and wolf-whistled in unison.

"'Mighty', indeed, ye are, boyo," one of the redheads murmured admiringly as she drooped to her knees beside him.

The first redhead also dropped to her knees, grabbing Joxer's arms and stretching them over his head. At the alarmed look that crossed his face, she grinned and cooed, "Don' you worry your wee self, Luv, we plan on bein' verra nice, don' we, Morgana?"

"Aye, verra, verra nice, Magana," her twin sighed.

Three days later Joxer staggered into the pub at the nearest village, blurrily ordered a drink, vaguely rooted into his money-pouch, and slapped some coins on the counter before thirstily draining the tankard in a single long draught. He looked glassy-eyed, disheveled, and his clothing was torn, but otherwise the young hero appeared unhurt.

He also had a huge grin plastered across his face.

"See, I told you he'd turn up," Xena said flatly, palm out. With a small frown, Gabby slapped a dinar into the out-stretched hand, then rose to cross to the bar, where Joxer was attacking a second tankard of ale.

From the table in the back corner came a soft growl as Iolaus took in the scene through narrowed eyes. Across the table, Hercules squirmed at the receiving end of the hunter's baleful glare.

"You've spent the last three days doing what?! " Gabrielle snarled, "With who?!"

"'Whom', Gabrielle," Xena corrected, a smile quirking the corners of her mouth.

The young bard ignored her in favor of glaring at a slightly discomforted Joxer; not that he was losing that dopy grin.

"But, Gabby, they were such nice girls-" he protested.

"I'll just bet, you...you...sex maniac!" Fuming, the petite blonde grabbed up the fresh tankard the bar-tender had just placed in front of Joxer and dumped it over his head. Then she spun on her heel and stalked out the door, a wet, bedraggled, (but still grinning) Joxer following behind.

Hercules yelped as Iolaus delivered a sharp kick to the semi-divine shin under the table.

"Hey!" he protested in hurt tones.

"Hey, hell!" the hunter snarled, "Damnit, Herc, that coulda been me! But noooo, you hadda go and 'rescue' me!" He glared.

Xena, left alone at her table, smothered snicker at the exchange, and leaned back in her chair as Iolaus jumped to his feet and stormed to the door, cussing softly under his breath with every step.

From the shadows at Xena's left came a deep chuckle. She turned her head slightly, and wasn't surprised to find she was no longer alone. Ares, resplendent in his traditional black leather, lounged in Gabby's abandoned chair.

"Been having fun?" Xena drawled, sipping her ale.

"What do you think?" Ares drawled back, finishing off Gabrielle's ale in one long swallow.

"Damnit, Iolaus, be reasonable!" Hercules was complaining as he followed the fuming hunter out the door, "I thought he was going to kill you!"

"Yeah, sure you did!" Iolaus snapped, not even looking back., "But think of the fun I woulda had first!"

"Isn't love grand?" Ares sneered, chuckling again.

"Were you going to kill them?" Xena asked laconically.

"Nah, they're too much fun alive," Ares replied, motioning the barmaid over. She reluctantly tore her gaze from the departing hunter to hand the god a fresh tankard.

"I figured I'd make the gesture to get Bodicea's attention, and by the time we were done, she'd have forgotten all about them. Worse that could have happened was that her girls would have gotten their paws on Curly there-as he was no doubt praying they would, from the way he's carrying on. No harm done, and everybody's happy," he continued, leering, "Especially me."

"Seems like a lot of work for a roll in the hay," Xena commented.

Ares smiled, one of his patented slow, I-know-more-than-you-and-I'm-not-going-to-let-you-forget-it smiles. "Would you believe I was brokering a peace treaty?" he purred.

"Does this have anything to do with a Roman Legion and Bodicea's 'girls'?" Xena asked slowly.

"Those damned bloody Romans don't know a good thing when it strolls into camp carrying a jug of ale and a copy of the Karma Sutra," Ares growled, "They're good girls, Xena. Bodicea's devoted to them. They serve as her 'ambassadors', greeting any invaders who enter Hyboria. One's the Demi-goddess of Sex, the other's the Demi-goddess of Brewing." He grinned wolfishly. "They're both very...friendly. Strangely enough, after a visit from the girls, all those invading soldiers suddenly don't feel much like making war anymore. It's a good system as far as it goes; it's worked for years."

"But?" Xena prompted.

Ares sighed. "But, that idiot Roman High Commander thought he'd play cute and 'blackmail' Bodicea into turning over her country to the Roman Empire by taking the twins hostage. Damned fool somehow got his greasy little hands on a couple of sets of handcuffs forged by Heph that temporarily rob a divine being of his or her divine power, and slapped 'em on the girls. The cuffs have a fail-safe forged in: any attempt to kill or seriously hurt the wearer, and they open on their own. So, he settled on stripping the girls and leading them around camp behind his chariot. Moron thought that as long as he had her daughters, Bodicea wouldn't dare attack."

Xena snorted.

Ares grinned again. "Only one warrior didn't take the opportunity to make shall we say rude comments. Bodicea let him take back a message to the Roman emperor: 'Try this again, and next time, Bodicea will be bring back what's left of the invading force in person'. The rest of the army was in no condition to talk. They were far too busy gritting their teeth and walking funny." Ares' smile turned postively wolfish as he added I don't think they're stupid enough to try it again. Let's just say none of them are going to be telling their sons this story."

Xena frowned. Speaking slowly, she said," And Bodicea figured out the cuffs came from Greece, so-"

"We hit #1 on her 'Places to Kick Arse' List," Ares finished for her, "She showed up fit to kill, and I mean that literally, waving these things around and demanding to know what we were going to do to make amends for her girl's humiliation." He jiggled the ornate silver handcuffs that had appeared dangling from the fingers of his left hand.

Xena's eyes narrowed thoughtfully as she examined them. They were very ornate, adorned with flourishes, and swirls galore.and tiny little engraved skulls

"These are yours," she accused him, tapping the cuffs lightly with one fingertip, "Meant for pleasure, not punishment."

"Punishment can be pleasure, if it's done right," Ares purred, confirming her suspicion with his slow, smoldering smile.

"So, we were about to be invaded by a pissed-off, bloodthirsty goddess, and her no doubt equally bloodthirsty followers. Sounds like your idea of a good time, so why try to 'broker a peace treaty'?" Xena asked.

"Zeus can be a pain in the butt, is why. Since, according to him, I caused the problem, I had to solve it-or else." Ares paused, expression darkening, then added brightly," but now thanks to me, Bodicea's decided Greece isn't such a bad little country after all. So, no war with Hyboria, and trust me, we do not want a war with Hyboria. I had to agree with the old fart on that-those people up there are just plain crazy." He chuckled, shaking his head.

"And why would the Hyborians be any crazier than us?" Xena drawled, brow raised.

Ares' smile turned into a smirk. "You've never been that far north, Xena. It's damned cold up there, so damned cold the Hyborians have found only three ways to stay warm: fighting-"

"Hmm, I've been in a fight recently," Xena noted absently.

"Drinking," Ares went on.

Xena raised her tankard and took a long, slow swallow, licking her lips slowly as she lowered the vessel.

"And...."Ares trailed off suggestively, daring to rub his thighagainst hers under the table.

Xena didn't protest, noting instead, "It's been awhile since I've last 'anded'. A good long while."

They exchanged lingering, smoldering gazes.

"So, the Hyborians are perpetually drunk, lust-crazed berserker warriors. They sound like your kind of people," Xena purred, taking another slow draught from the mug.

"Oh, they are," Ares assured her, "But they're a little weak on the...planning for the future aspect of things. By the time Bodiciea and her gang had gotten done with us, there wouldn't have been much of Greece left standing, and that would have been busily burning. That notion didn't go over well with the rest of the family. They are fond of their pretty little temples, you know.

"Unlike a war god I could name?" Xena snickered, watching Ares trace a pattern on the back of her free hand. The cuffs that had caused all the problems still dangled from the fingers of his other hand. He ignored the comment.

"The Hyborians have some wonderful traditions, Xena, downright breathtaking ones. Why don't we celebrate this treaty with the traditional Hyborian rites?" Ares suggested huskily.

"Gabrielle," Xena murmured.

Ares grinned. "I can guarantee she's going to be busy for the next couple of hours proving she's twice the woman as a certain set of twins," he purred happily.

Xena grinned, and grabbed the cuffs from him. "Race you," she growled.

"Amateur," Ares chuckled, "Meet you there." He vanished.

Xena chuckled herself, and headed for the stairs, grabbing a jug of ale on her way past the bar.

"Rites," she explained to the startled barmaid as she breezed past and mounted the stairs two at a time.

Iolaus, meanwhile, was half-way across town, just stalking past the modest temple to Aphrodite, still grumbling to himself.

"Twins, I could had twins!" he muttered, "and not just any twins, either, twin demigoddesses! Gods, it would have been something to tell my grandchildren!" He paused in mid-thought, then amended, "Okay, maybe just my grandsons, but still-! "

"An' here I was led to believe ye were a lad of more discernin' tastes," drawled a familiar contralto. The doors to Aphrodite's temple swung open before the hunter's startled eyes. Inside, the tiny altar was no longer strewn with the traditional offerings of flowers. They had been swept to the floor. Now the altar was covered with a rich fur cloak. On top of the cloak lounged Bodicea, wearing even less than the last time the hero had seen her, meaning she wore nothing at all but a smile. A very wide, inviting smile.

Iolaus blinked and backed up a step. "What do you want, Bodicea?' he demanded, glancing nervously down the street. Hercules was back there, somewhere, sulking, he knew. In point of fact, Iolaus had been rather looking forward to the demigod's make-up attempts, which was sure to follow once they had reached their own lodgings across town.

Bodicea was a goddess who believed in getting right to the point. "Ye, lad," she purred, arching her back and extending her long, long legs, giving the golden hunter quite a view to enjoy. She also was a goddess who appreciated a good view herself.

"I don't trust you," Iolaus told her bluntly, even though she was making no move to leave the altar, and even though he was thoroughly enjoying the view she was giving him.

"Ach, your Aphrodite warned me of tha', lad. Tha's why I'm here, in her temple. She's made me promise to, how did the lass phrase it?, to 'play nice' with ye." She stroked the fur, slowly.

"No rough stuff?" Iolaus asked slowly, eyes following her stroking fingers as they moved languidly up and down across the fur.

"No rougher than ye want, lad," she promised throatily. "An' I've got, what would ye call it?, insurance o'tha'." She lifted her hand and a pair of ornate silver handcuffs appeared dangling from her fingertips.

"What the heck are those for?" Iolaus demanded suspicously, backing up a step.

"Me, luv," she purred, "Do ye know what these are?"

Iolaus shook his curls.

"Ah, there's a story there, too long to be tellin' now, though. Let's just cut to th' marrow, then. These take away a god's power, for as long as they're on."" She clicked the cuff shut over one wrist, leaving the other half dangling, "Now I'm only half as strong as I was."

"So....you're only as strong as a demi-god now, is that it?" Iolaus asked slowly.

"Aye. Would ye like me to...?" She raised the other half to her other wrist.

"Nah, demigod I can handle. But what about Herc? He'll be looking for me," he pointed out.

The buxom goddess smiled. "Th' lad will be well entertained," she promised.

"Well, in that case," Iolaus grinned back, and kicked the door shut behind him.

Two blocks further down the street, and following the fuming hunter at a safe distance, Hercules was just strolling past the town livery stable when the doors opened and two slender arms thrust out to grab hold of his jerkin and haul him bodily inside. Confronting the twin redheaded visions before him, he asked, "Excuse me, ladies, but have we met?"

"Na' yet, lad," one purred, draping herself across his chest.

When he twitched back, the other smiled, and purred, "Here, luv, have a wee drink to relax ye."

Hercules carefully sniffed at the tankard she handed him, then not wanting to be impolite, took a tentative sip.

"That's good ale," he admitted, taking a longer drink, "Very good ale."

"Tha's na all we're good at," she assured him.

Ten minutes and two tankards later, the stable was filled with gasps of girlish glee.

"Ahhh, will ye look at that, now?" one sister cried joyfully.

"Ohh, I'm thinkin' I'm likin' Greece!" her twin replied happily.

"Gee, these sort of things usually only happen to Iolaus," Hercules observed dreamily, vaguely wondering where the hunter was. Oh well, he could apologize in the morning!

the end?

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