HADES!!!

"What the hell…" Hades muttered, and then decided to pretend he didn't hear the summons. He hunched closer to his desk concentrating on the square of parchment he was clutching in one hand while tapping his quill on the surface of the desk with the other. To his left a towering stack of parchments threatened to topple over, and two bins, one overflowing with parchments and labeled Tartarus, and another, half-full, marked Elysian Fields, sat on the desk to his right. He scowled and threw the parchment he was holding into the Tartarus bin and picked another off the pile, scanned it quickly, scribbled a few words on it, and then threw it also into Tartarus. "Damned Ares and his damned wars." he muttered. "Brings out all the riff-raff and then I get all these problems with people who don't think they deserve to be sent to Tartarus and then…."

HAAADDDEEESSSS!!!!

Persephone, sitting nearby thumbing through the latest issue of Better Homes and Castles, looked up. "Isn't that Hercules? Dah-ling." Her tone was decidedly frosty.

Hades gritted his teeth. "Yes it is. Bunnykins."

Persephone flipped through a few more pages before looking over at her husband again. "Well, aren't you going to answer him? Dear heart."

"No, I am not. Love muffin."

HADES!!! DAMN IT!!!!! HADEESS!!!!!!

Hades bore down on his quill so hard the nib broke off. He threw it on the floor with a curse, picked up a fresh one and continued with his paperwork, ignoring the insistent demands of his nephew.

DAMN YOU, HADES. I WANT TO SEE YOU!! NOW!!!!!

"If you don't answer him pretty soon, sweetie pie, he'll be down here knocking us up." The words were barely out of her mouth when there was a tremendous thumping at the door. "See?" she smirked.

Hades threw down his pen, got up out of his chair, and stomped across the room to yank open the door, fully intending to blister his sometimes favorite nephew's ears for disturbing him on a day when the paperwork, thanks to yet another war hosted by Ares, had piled high on his desk while he had been spending the morning putting down yet another riot in Tartarus, and to top it all off, Persephone was as pissed as hell at him because he had totally rejected her latest plan to redecorate the Underworld.

But the words died in his throat leaving his mouth gaping at the sight of the two men standing on his doorstep. Charon, an aggrieved look on his face, had just raised his hand to knock again, and right next to him, grinning sheepishly, was Hercules' aggravating little mortal pal, Iolaus. For the first time Hades noticed that the two looked amazingly alike, except that Iolaus wasn't blue and there was no arrow sticking out of Charon's chest. Persephone appeared at his side, wreathed in smiles. "Iolaus!"

"Oh gods." Hades groaned. "Not you again."

"Me?" squeaked Charon.

"Not you, dummy. Him."

"Uh, yeah," Iolaus, looking a bit shame-faced, grinned at Persephone. "Hi Persephone. Hades, I'm…uh…sorry about this, but…uh…"

"Looks like you zigged when you should have zagged." Hades smiled grimly. Persephone cooed with sympathy.

"Yeah, I guess I did, and I…uh…"

"I'm not sending you back this time."

"No…uh…I didn't expect you…"

"And take that damned thing out of your chest. You don't need it any more, and it makes people nervous."

Charon's face split into a grin. "Oh, I dunno. Gives him a sorta je ne sais quoi."

"If you mean me, I'm not nervous, I'm upset." Persephone sniffed, "and this is what I'm upset about." And she flapped the crisp pages of her parchment magazine under her husband's nose.

"Later, Persephone." Hades glared at the boatman. "Why isn't he at the Meadow like everybody else. Just because he's my nephew's best friend doesn't mean he's going to get special treatment down here. He'll go to his final resting place when it's his turn."

"Well, it's like this, boss…" Charon began, not the least bit intimidated by the fearsome Lord of the Underworld.

"What's that, Persephone?" Iolaus asked politely, nodding toward her parchment while stepping out of the line of fire between Hades and Charon. He wiggled the shaft of the arrow experimentally, surprised to find that it no longer hurt and then gave it a quick tug. It came out easily with only a few drops of dried blood on the tip.

Persephone held out the magazine for him to see. "It's my favorite. Look, this month's issue is all about gardens. All kinds." The cover boasted a white marble gazebo, elegantly carved with flowers, birds, grapevines and chubby-cheeked cherubs.

"Cool," Iolaus said admiringly.

"Wouldn't this look splendid in the Asphodel Meadows? I mean that's where everybody coming across the Styx has to wait until they are judged and sent on. I think it should look nicer, don't you?"

"Well, it is a bit dreary."

"It supposed to be dreary." Hades growled.

"I don't see why," Persephone insisted, making a face at him, "Just because someone is dead doesn't mean that they can't enjoy beautiful things any more."

"She's got a point," Iolaus said to Hades.

Hades just growled again.

HAADDDEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"That's Herc." Iolaus observed.

"Tell me something I don't know." Hades snarled.

"The poor thing," said Persephone.

"He sounds real upset." Iolaus looked at Hades hopefully

"He'll have to get over it. You're not going back."

Iolaus looked a bit crestfallen, but all he said was, "Okay, then can you loan me a dinar for the fare?"

"You brought him across the Styx without his fare?" Hades looked at Charon accusingly.

"Huh, what d'ya 'spect me t'do? That deadbeat partner of his wouldn't give the poor guy a dinar. 'Spected me to put it on his tab, I guess, but he ain't paid me for the last coupla times. I want my dinar, and I want it now."

"Then you should have left him on the other side of the Styx to wait like everybody else."

"Wait for what?" Iolaus asked, puzzled.

"For some bozo to come along who ain't heard you can't take it with you. We lift the boodle, share it out. Happens two, three times a month. How else d'you think all them broke guys get across the Styx? If we left 'em standin' at the landin', hee hee, little joke there, we'd be ass deep in their sorry souls, havin' to listen to 'em gripin' forever and ever and…"

"Shut up, Charon!" Hades yelled. "I'll give him the blasted dinar to give to you. Just take him back to the Meadow, and I'll be along to sort things out just as soon as I get this batch processed." He dug into his pocket for a coin, which he slapped into Iolaus' outstretched palm and started to shut the door, but Persephone ducked under his arm, preventing him from doing so.

"Wait! Wait! I want to go with them. I have all these great ideas for the Meadow I want to show Iolaus."

"Persephone!"

"Well," Persephone said haughtily, "at least Iolaus will listen. I want to show him where I had planned to hang the paper lanterns and ask him where's the best place for the wishing well. And look, Iolaus," she flipped a page and leaned into him as they started down the path to the Meadow, "here's a list of all the flowers that will grow without sunlight, and there's a botanist in the Fields who says he can grow trees anywhere and…"

Persephone!" But she wasn't listening. Sighing irritably, Hades threw his pen into the air and followed them, slamming the door behind him.

They arrived at the boat landing with Charon in the lead, Persephone and Iolaus next, heads together, chattering happily, and a fuming Hades bringing up the rear to find a very wet and unhappy demigod leaning against a piling.

"How'd you get here?" Charon asked in surprise.

"I swam."

"You swam? Across the Styx?" Charon looked alarmed. "Nobody swims across the Styx. It's too dangerous."

"D'uh, Charon." Hercules said. "Everybody here is dead. What more can possibly happen to them?"

Charon scratched his head. "Gee, I never thought of it that way."

"I just came to get Iolaus." Hercules looked at his uncle. "Give him back his life and we'll be on our way."

"No way, Hercules, not this time."

"Come on, Uncle Hades. You told me yourself you didn't want him here, that he's a disruptive influence on the other souls. So just zap him back to life, and I'll get him out of your way."

"Sorry, Hercules, but I do have rules, you know. Word has been getting out about Iolaus' comings and goings and now I get a dozen or more 'back to life' petitions every week. Very bad for business, not to mention all the hassle with the Fates. No. This time he stays."

"If that's all settled," Persephone interrupted, "then Iolaus can be my garden consultant. It'll give him something to occupy his mind while he's adjusting. So what do you think, Iolaus, full-sized trees, shrubs, flowering or non-flowering, or should we just go for bonsai?"

"I like flowers." Iolaus offered.

"Umm, so do I. Flowering shrubs, it is. Big trees might not grow well down here and bonsai is such a chore. All that pruning." Persephone tilted her head and surveyed the Meadow, "but the lack of sunlight will limit our choices. We'll have to get the botanist down here for input."

"What are they talking about?" Hercules asked Hades.

"Persephone wants to redo the Meadow." Hades answered glumly.

"Well, it is a bit dreary." Hercules said, mildly. "Listen, Hades, I've done you a lot of favors and while I hate to get pushy about it, you do owe me."

"Who doesn't? But no go, Hercules. Sorry, but Iolaus has to stay. And it's supposed to be dreary, damn it!"

"Isn't there some kind of night-blooming viney flowery thing that we could plant around the gazebo? That would look really nice."

"I don't know, Persephone, I'm no expert on flowers. I just like them." Iolaus shrugged.

"Well, we can ask the botanist. I think the gazebo would look nice sitting beside an ornamental pond, don't you? We could get some swans and goldfish."

"Dead ones or live ones?"

"Live ones can't live down here, silly."

"So… swans and goldfish have souls?"

"Of course," Persephone giggled, "every living thing has a soul; didn't you know that?"

"Huh, no. Guess I never thought about it."

"Anything, Hades, I'll do anything, but please, don't do this. I need Iolaus." Hercules' voice broke on a sob.

"Ah Herc, don't." Iolaus gave his partner a quick squeeze. "If he can't, he can't. I'll be okay, honestly. And I'm sure Hades will let you visit now and then."

"Anytime." Hades muttered unenthusiastically.

"Iolaus," Hercules took his partner by the shoulders and gazed into his eyes, his own filling with tears. "I can't do this without you. I need you up there. You mean more to me than anything else in the world."

"If he means so much to you, why'nt you give the little sod a dinar, you cheapskate?" Charon put in.

"I didn't think he'd be staying," Hercules told the boatman hotly, "and I don't like what you're implying."

"So sue me."

"I'll do better than that, you twerp. I'll…"

"Hercules!" Iolaus and Hades both shouted at once.

"Yeah, last thing we need at this dramatic juncture is one o' your tantrums," Charon snickered.

"I think we need poles." Persephone tapped her finger against her cheek while looking up the path from the landing to the top of the Meadow.

"What?" Hercules and Hades looked at her, startled.

"Poles. You know." She gestured impatiently. "For the paper lanterns? I know, I know, they would look much nicer hanging from bushes, but it will take so long for them to grow. So for now, poles." She pulled a piece of charcoal from the pocket of her gown and scribbled briefly on the parchment. "Now let's see. Where to put the wishing well."

"How about right down here near the landing?" Iolaus suggested with a giggle. "There'll be plenty of souls passing through in need of a wish or two. You know, for a good judgment?" He looked up at Hades with a grin.

"Oh, Iolaus! What an fabulous idea, I never would have thought of that. What fun." Persephone jiggled with excitement. "Now, have you any thoughts about the entertainment."

"Entertainment?" Hades croaked, still a bit stunned by the sight of a jiggling Persephone. The other three men wisely pretended they hadn't noticed.

"Of course. Let's see, bards and minstrels for every day, and maybe a play once or twice a week, if we can find some actors in the Fields; do you think you can get some of the men together to build a small stage? But we should have something fun and original for Saturday nights."

"We could hire a marimba band." Iolaus suggested brightly.

And that's where the Lord of the Underworld lost it.

"No! No! No! There will be no wishing well," he shouted, "no gazebo, no stage, no trees, no flowers, no paper lanterns, no bloody marimba band, no pond, no swans, no frogs and no…"

"Goldfish," Iolaus interrupted, "that was swans and goldfish."

"Shut! Up! Not another word out of you. You are a dead soul! Get it? You are not supposed to be talking to me or anybody else. You are supposed to be in the Meadow with the rest of the dead souls, shaking in your boots, waiting for the Lord of the Underworld, THAT'S ME, to come and pass judgment on you. DO YOU GET IT?"

"Yes sir," Iolaus said meekly.

"Hey, you can't talk to him like that," Hercules said, frowning at his uncle.

"Says who."

"Says me."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Here we go again," Charon rolled his eyes at Persephone.

"But Hades, dear," Persephone said, pleadingly, "I think…"

"Oh, spare me." Hades shouted wildly, raising his arms dramatically. "Puh-leeze! Don't think! Just do what you women usually do. Buy a new dress, try out a new perfume, polish your toenails, fuss with your hair. But don't, don't under any circumstances…THINK!" Hades' thunderous voice rolled across the Styx, ruffling the black waters, strange loathsome creatures that had come to the surface to see what all the commotion was about dived back into the depths, and Persephone burst into tears.

"How can you say things like that to me," she sobbed, "after everything I've d…d…done for you, everything we…we…shared…and…and…coming down here to live in this h…h…horrid place just because I l…l…love yoooou…." Her words died away in a howl of anguish, and she began to cry loudly, tears cascading down her cheeks.

"Uh, oh, now you've gone and done it, boss." Charon chuckled maliciously.

Iolaus patted her shoulder, comfortingly "There, there, I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it sounded."

Hercules stared at his uncle aghast. "Are you in the habit of treating her like this?" he asked, raising his voice to be heard over Persephone's wails. "Because, if you are, I'm taking her back to Demeter right now. I arranged this marriage and I can unarranged it."

"No. I…I…I…" The Lord of the Underworld gaped at his distraught wife, appalled by what he had done. "Oh gods," he cried, "Please, lambypie, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said, really I didn't."

"Cad." Iolaus muttered just loudly enough for Hades to hear. The god shot him a murderous glare and Hercules nudged him into silence.

Persephone dabbed at her eyes with the hem of her gown showing a great deal of shapely leg in the process. "Then I can redo the Meadow?" she hiccupped.

"No! I mean, yes. I…well, okay, maybe a couple of shrubs, and a gazebo, I guess souls should have a place to sit down while they wait, but just a plain one. No cherubs. Okay pumpkin?"

"But sweetheart…" Persephone whimpered..

"No buts, my love. This is an underworld, after all, not a Roman pleasure palace."

"But Hades, dear…"

"No Persephone, my pet, and that's final."

"Uncle Hades, if we could get back onto the subject…"

"There is no subject, Hercules, Iolaus stays here and that's final."

Charon smirked at the demigod, "Face it, musclehead, your little pet pup's gone belly up. Guess you'll hafta go to the doggie pound and get yourself another one."

Hercules lunged at the boatman. "You…you…little runt. I'll wring your scrawny neck. I'll…I'll…"

"Hercules!" Hades shouted and Hercules stopped in his tracks. "If you damage him, by the gods, I will go to Zeus, and you'll be taking his place. You want to spend eternity poling a boat back and forth across the Styx?"

"At least, I'll be here near Iolaus." Hercules muttered brokenly.

"This isn't like you Hercules." Hades said. "You're likable, mild-mannered, sweet-natured…what's happened to you?"

"It's been a really bad day," Hercules choked back a sob. "First we hit the battlefield at dawn without any breakfast, and then it got really hot, and there was this thunderstorm and everything turned to mud, and then Iolaus got that arrow straight through the heart and died in my arms again, and...and..."

"And you shook me again, Herc." Iolaus complained. "How many times do I hafta tell you that doesn't help?"

"Boat!" Persephone shrieked and everybody else jumped. "That's it. Iolaus! Charon's boat. Hades won't let me redecorate the Meadow, but I know he won't mind if we fix up Charon's boat a little."

"NO! NO! NO! I mind! Boss, tell them. Make them leave my boat alone." The ferryman looked pleadingly at Hades.

"Oh pooh, Charon." Persephone scoffed. "Look at that old thing. Come on, Iolaus." She seized the hunter's wrist and pulled him to the edge of the dock where the ancient ferry bumped gently against a piling. "What do you think we should do first, Iolaus? A paint job?"

"Paint would be good."

"Um, I like pink and purple. My favorite colors."

"Purple's my favorite, too. But I don't know about pink. It looks real nice on Dite, but for a boat? How about blue and gold? Sort of regal-looking."

"Oh yes, that's nice, too. Oh I know! We could use all four colors. Blue and gold outside and pink and purple on the inside."

"Hades!" Charon wailed.

Hades folded his arms and grinned.

"And look!" Persephone jumped into the ferry pulling Iolaus along with her. "These seats. Horrible. We'll upholster them in pink plush and get some of ladies in the Fields to sew up some cute little heart-shaped cushions."

"Dead souls don't need cushions!" Charon howled.

"Well, of course, they don't need them," Persephone giggled. "They are just for pretty."

Iolaus was looking the boat over from stem to stern. "You know, Seph," he said slowly, "if we nail a couple of uprights in the bow and again in the stern and tied some lengths of rope between them, we could string those paper lanterns of yours along both side of the boat."

"Oooo, Iolaus. How clever. Think how nice that would look coming across the river in the dark."

"Real festive."

"HADES!"

"We should have something decorative on the bowsprit, too. A figurehead, maybe."

"Like a mermaid? You know, with long golden hair and great big…."

"Oh, you men! You're all alike. That's all you think about" Persephone tittered. "I was thinking more along the lines of a…a…dragon. That's it! A dragon's head."

"Dragons are cool. A purple one."

"With shiny emerald eyes. Do you think you could make him breath fire?"

"I have all eternity. I'll work something out. And in the stern, a big swishy tail."

"Oh yes, yes!"

"HADES! DO SOMETHING!"

Hades shrugged, "Sorry Charon, you're on your own."

"Close your eyes, Iolaus, and try to visualize what the boat will look like when it's done."

Iolaus squeezed his eyes shut. "Okay, I see it," he said, after a pause. "It looks…terrific."

Persephone own eyes were closed. "Um, it looks good, but there's something missing."

"It looks fine to me. What's missing?"

"Flowers. You can open your eyes now, Iolaus."

Iolaus popped open his eyes and blinked at her. "Flowers?"

"Yes flowers. Lots and lots of them. Cascading from the top of the uprights to the bottom."

"But how…?"

"Iolaus," Persephone grinned at him. "Did you know you can make flowers out of paper that actually look better than the real thing?"

"No, I didn't know that."

"Well, you can. And I know some ladies in the Fields who would jump at the chance to do something like that. It does get rather dull there sometimes, all those lawn parties and social teas. And there's a great little shop in Athens that sells the loveliest colored paper."

"Sounds like a plan."

Charon buried his face in his hands and began to sob.

Persephone gazed at the hunter adoringly. "Oh Iolaus, it is wonderful to have you here. Most men just don't understand about these things. You're one in a million, you know that?"

"Well, I don't know about a million, but it's nice of you to say so." Iolaus blushed self-consciously.

"Don't be so modest. You're a breath of fresh air down here, and the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time."

Hades sputtered. "I thought I was the best…"

Persephone ignored him. "I'm so glad you're here." She said to Iolaus, and then shot an apologetic glance at Hercules who was looking decidedly pained. "Er…I don't mean I'm glad you're dead. But if you have to be dead, I'm glad you're here." She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him, pressing him tightly against her ample bosom.

Hades went purple "Persephone!"

"I have so many things I want to do to make the Underworld a nicer place to be dead in and now I have you to help me." Persephone cooed into Iolaus' ear. "Forever and ever and always."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Hades face was suffused with rage. "Persephone! Let go of that…that…dead thing right now. And as for you." As Persephone, startled, stepped back, the Lord of the Underworld got into the hunter's face. "YOU!" Iolaus gulped. "Did you give that coin I gave you to Charon?"

"Uh…no, sir. I…I forgot. I'm s…s…sorry. Sir." Iolaus' voice shook. The sight of an enraged God of the Dead can strike fear into the heart of the most intrepid of warriors. Especially if that heart had been recently pierced by an arrow.

"Good! Give it back to me."

"Give it back…to you?" Iolaus stared at Hades stupidly.

"Do your ears lap over? That's what I said. Give!"

Iolaus pulled the coin out from under his belt and dropped it into the god's hand. "But…?"

"Shut up! Now you haven't paid your fare. You're not here. So scram."

"Scram?"

"That's what I said. Scram."

"You…you're sending me back?" Iolaus' eyes widened in surprise.

"You're sending him back?" Hercules face brightened as hope blossomed in his eyes.

"Actually I'm throwing him out. But there are three conditions. Number one. Does anybody know he's dead yet?"

"I don't think so," Hercules answered, "We were alone on the battlefield when it happened and we both came straight here."

"Good. That'll save me from having to kill anybody or, worse, wiping out memories. That's always so chancey with the living. No one is ever to know about this. Understand? The last thing I need is for a whole bunch of yahoos showing up here whining about Iolaus being sent back, so why can't they. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"Number two. Don't let me catch him down here again for a very long time. That means you look after him better."

"I do try my best, but he's so impulsive sometimes."

"That's your problem, not mine. If I find him here hanging around my wife before he's wrinkled and toothless, I'll send him straight to Limbo, and I mean it. It'll be your job to keep him topside. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"Now, Persephone…"

"Uh, Uncle Hades?"

Hades sighed patiently. "Yes, Hercules?"

"Uh…you said three? Three conditions?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You owe Charon two dinars for past trips. Pay up so I won't have to listen to his everlasting whining about it. If you don't have two dinars, I could make you a loan, but I want it back with interest."

"I've got two dinars." Hercules pulled a limp money pouch out of his belt and shook its contents into his hand. There were just two coins lying in his palm. Charon snatched them up, pulled out his own bulging money pouch and dropped the coins into it; then shook it under the demigod's nose.

"See, this is what having a real job will getcha, loser. Try using all that muscle to set up a nice protection racket in some rich burg. Shorty, here, could be your legman. Or, if you gotta do it the honest way, hang a leash on monkey boy, get yourself a lute and a kiosk on a street corner in Athens. Lotsa coin and no overhead."

"Charon!" Hades shouted. "Stop gassing with Hercules and get back to work. Souls are piling up on the shore."

Charon shook the purse under Hercules' nose one more time, and laughing maniacally, hopped with surprising agility into his boat and was soon poling away into the darkness.

"Nasty little toad." Hercules muttered.

"Okay, that does it, " Iolaus said. "I'm not going. I'm going to stay right here and help Seph redecorate."

"Like fun you are." Hades snarled. "Besides you don't have the fare. You don't have any dinars and neither does Hercules."

"Then call back Charon. I'll go back to the other side and wait for someone to come along and make me a loan."

"Iolaus!" Hercules cried, "you can't mean that."

"Yes I can, Herc."

"No you can't," Hades reminded him. "This is my underworld and I get to say who stays and who doesn't. And you doesn't…er…don't."

"But Iolaus," Hercules looked as if he were about to burst into tears, "why don't you want to go home with me?"

Iolaus folded his arms across his chest and glared at his partner. "Because of what you said. To Charon."

"What…what…I said?" Hercules stammered.

"Yeah, first you called him a twerp and then a runt, and then you used the 'l' word…twice, and he's the same size as me. Exactly."

"But, I didn't mean…"

"Just what did you mean, Herc?"

"I meant, you know, Charon's so little…nasty…on the inside. But you…it's all about heart, and you've got the biggest heart of anyone I know. At least it will be when Hades gets it put back together. I never think about you being sma…sma…not big."

"Yeah?" Iolaus scratched his ear and grinned, pleased. "Well, I guess when you're as big as an ox, everybody looks kind of not big, huh?"

"That's true. It's easy to act big when you are big." Hercules paused, vaguely aware that that sentence didn't make much sense, but went on gamely. "I mean, size doesn't matter, it's what you are inside that matters."

"Yeah, yeah, Herc, I guess you're right. So you think I'm…what…pretty cool?"

"The coolest." Hercules knew when he was on a roll. "You're the finest warrior there ever was, big or not big. The bravest, the noblest, and the best person I've ever known. Well, besides Mom, maybe…but…I'm proud to be your partner, proud that you're my friend. I don't know what I would do without you, and I want you to come home with me now. Please?"

"Well…"

"Please?"

"As soon as I leave the Underworld, I'm going to be very hungry. You dragged me off this morning without any breakfast, remember?"

"I'm sorry about that. We'll eat as soon as we get back."

"Okay, you're buying."

"Uh…I don't have any more dinars."

"Here," Hades stepped forward, pulling a handful of coins out of his pocket. "Take this. Consider it a gift. Take him home and feed him."

"Thanks, Unc."

"Now go."

"Um…won't we have to wait for Charon to come back? I mean, I suppose we could swim, but…" he eyed the black water with repugnance, "it was pretty grody coming over. And I had to battle three sea monsters."

"Oh hell, you can take the shortcut." Hades raised one hand and a blaze of white energy surged forth enveloping the two heroes. There was a brilliant flash of light and when it died away, they were gone.

Hades sighed with relief and turned to Persephone and held out his elbow. "There, that's done. Alone at last, my sweet. Shall we return to the palace?"

She linked her arm with his, nestling up close to him as they started toward home, "That was so sweet of you, darling. You made Hercules and Iolaus so happy."

"It was the least I could do, my love."

"No really, people think you're so fierce, the Lord of the Underworld and all that, but you're really a great big soft marshmallow inside."

"Well, I…"

"You know, sweetheart? I think you were right."

Hades looked down at his wife. Her pretty, plump face was creased in thought. "Right about what, my precious?"

"About the Meadow, dearest."

"How so, my dumpling?"

"Well, it is just a retaining center, after all. Souls don't stay around there long. There are other places in the Underworld more in need of attention."

"What do you mean, my dear?" Hades asked nervously.

"Well, the Elysian Fields are fine just the way they are, and Tartarus is…well…Tartarus. The souls there aren't likely to appreciate the finer things in life…er…death."

"And…?" Hades wasn't sure he liked where this conversation was going.

"Well, I was thinking about Lethe."

"Lethe?"

"Yes, dear. All those poor souls, their memories gone, wandering around in that place. It's so…so…swampy."

"It is not swampy. I admit it's a little damp, but it is not swampy. And nobody has to go to Lethe. It's a choice. Those souls wanted their memories erased."

"But, still, they're not bad souls like those in Tartarus. Just poor, unhappy souls who didn't have a very nice life. All the more reason why they should have a beautiful place to spend eternity."

"But they don't know bad souls from good souls. They don't know where they are, they don't even know that they are. They don't know a garden from a swamp. They don't know a rock from a tree."

"A garden. That's perfect, my love. Oh, I knew you'd come up something absolutely wonderful. We'll turn that old swamp into a beautiful garden. We can channel the water into pools, plant willow trees along the banks to soak up the excess moisture, and some of those big vines with purple flowers as big as dinner plates, and we can…"

"No, Persephone, damn it. No!"

"What? You don't like purple flowers. Okay, how about blue? And we can fill the pools with goldfish. I do so love goldfish. And we can…"

"Persephone!"

"And oh, I just had the most marvelous idea. Bridges. Pretty little wooden bridges arching gracefully over the pools where the souls can stroll in the evenings. And oh yes, singing birds. Oh Hades, can't you just hear them now. I just love singing birds."

"AARRGGGHHH!!!!"

The End

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