Note: The dialogue at the beginning is from the episode and belongs to RenPic, along with the characters. 'Falling on your sword' was an acceptable way for warriors to commit suicide if faced with a helpless situation, likewise, 'Warrior's Death' means dying in battle to assure yourself passage into the Elysium Fields.
This story takes place at the end of the Golden Hind trilogy. Hercules has given up his demi-god status and strength to marry Serena, the Gold Hind, who gave up her shape-changing ability to become mortal. Hercules woke to find Serena stabbed to death next to him in their bed after Hercules suffered a series of nightmares in which he dreamed he was assaulting Serena. Hercules thinks he may have gone mad and killed Serena; Iolaus doesn't know what to think, and Xena believes Herc has been set up by Ares.
"Gabrielle, where's Hercules?"
"He was here...I just went to get water..."
"He's gone now."
"Xena, he took your sword," Gabrielle held up the empty sheath.
"To fall on?" Xena questioned.
"No," Iolaus corrected, near tears. "He wouldn't do that, but he might do the next best thing. Go off into overwhelming odds..."
"To die a Warrior's Death." Xena finished grimly.
'Such a beautiful day,' Hercules noted absently as he headed towards the village, concentrating on the movement of his legs, trying not to stagger. He hurt all over, but it was the slight dizziness that worried him most. He didn't want to pass out on the road. Gods! His dislocated shoulder hurt so much it brought tears to his eyes; the same with the arrow wound in his chest. At least, that's what he told himself was bringing the tears.
'Concentrate, Hercules,' he scolded himself, and he could almost hear Iolaus echo 'Concentrate, Herc,' in that at-the-end-of-my-rope-here-Big Guy scold of his.
Iolaus. Iolaus had known, hadn't he? 'Don't do this.' 'I have a bad feeling.' 'Please don't break up our partnership, Hercules. Please.'
'I didn't break up our partnership,' Hercules thought defensively. 'I didn't know the Gods would take away my strength, Iolaus. I didn't know.'
It shouldn't have mattered. Iolaus got along very well without Godly strength. Iolaus managed to deal with dislocated joints and broken bones and arrow wounds all the time without Godly healing or endurance. If Iolaus could do it, could help others so much while being 'merely mortal', then Hercules should have been able to do it too, shouldn't he?
'Never know now, will we?' Hercules thought sadly. He would never know if he could have adjusted to mortal strength, mortal health, a mortal lifespan. He would never know if Iolaus would have caved in eventually and let that extra room be built onto the cottage. He would never know what his and Serena's children would have looked like; he would never get to see Iolaus smiling radiantly at a baby in his arms, so happy to be an uncle again. He would never know what it would be like to grow old and face that coming sunset with Serena in his arms and Iolaus by his side. So many things he would never know, now.
Hercules stopped dead and dragged his free hand over his face to rid himself of the blinding tears. Why? Why wasn't he allowed to have a wife, a family, a life? Why?
"DAMNIT, WAS IT SO MUCH TO ASK?!" he roared, throwing his head back to direct the scream of grief straight to the heavens.
"No," came the quiet reply in a too-familiar voice that was far too close.
Hercules whirled, staggering slightly from the motion.
"Whoa, there, Herc," Iolaus said, reaching out to steady his friend. Hercules snatched his arm from Iolaus' gentle grip.
"You shouldn't be here, Iolaus. Don't follow me," was all Hercules said as he turned away.
"Going to get yourself killed?" Iolaus asked conversationally, following anyway.
"Go back."
"Warrior's Death? Elysium Fields? Get to see the family again?"
Hercules closed his eyes briefly. The thought of his murdered family brought pain, even now. He kept walking.
"Go back, Iolaus."
"I've got family there too, remember?"
"Go back."
"You don't have to do this, Hercules. You could stick around and find out who really killed Serena."
"I KILLED HER!" Hercules roared, Spinning around and grabbing Iolaus' arm, he yanked his friend close.
"Don't you get it, Iolaus? I killed her just like I killed Deianeira, just like I killed my children, just like I've killed you! I killed them just because I loved them! Callisto was right- my love is a curse that kills!"
He shoved Iolaus away and sobbed, hugging himself, ignoring Xena's sword clutched in his hand.
"They loved you, too, Herc. I love you. Can't help it. You're a pretty lovable guy."
Hercules sobbed again, head down, hair shielding his face.
"I tried," he whimpered, so softly Iolaus could barely hear him. "I tried not to love, I tried so hard not to care, but I can't do it, Iolaus, I just can't."
Hercules raised his head to reveal the tears streaming from his eyes. Voice hoarse, he whispered," As long as I'm alive I'll love. I can't stop myself. And all the people I love will die because I love them. You'll die." Hercules shook his head violently. "I can't live with that. Can't you understand, Iolaus? Better to die than live knowing that as long as I live I'm a danger to everyone I love."
"So you're just gonna go charging off by yourself to get killed and put us all out of our misery, that's it?" Iolaus demanded.
"YES!" Hercules glared defiantly at his best friend, his heart's brother.
"You self-centered selfish bastard!"
Hercules flinched as though Iolaus had slapped him. He stared, shocked at Iolaus' use of the word 'bastard'.
Iolaus glared at him, his gaze burning the way it did when the hunter was really, truly, furious beyond words. They just stood, breathing heavily and glaring at each other for a long moment.
Finally, Hercules swallowed the lump in his throat. "Iolaus..."
"Shut up! Just shut up!" Iolaus panted, trying to get his anger under control. Lynch mob be damned; Iolaus was just about ready to do the job for them. Eyes narrowed, he managed to force the words out.
"Back to back heroes, remember, Hercules?"
"I won't have you die again because of me."
"Not your choice, Herc. Mine. Just like it was my choice to become your friend. My choice to fight by your side. My choice to love you. Just like it was Deianeira's choice, just like it was Serena's choice."
"Iolaus..."
"Shut up! I'm not done!" Iolaus grabbed Hercules be the gauntlets, shaking the bigger man. "My choice! Mine! Not yours! Don't go telling me who to love and when to die, Hercules! Don't you even try pulling that Godly crap on me, damnit!" Iolaus took a couple of deep, steadying breaths. Not calming ones, he was far beyond calm.
"Alright, then, let's go do this," he decided, letting go of Hercules' forearms.
"What? No!" Hercules blocked him.
Iolaus just looked at him. "Mob's that way, Herc," he pointed out, gesturing around his friend.
"I'm not going to let you die because of me again," Hercules repeated stubbornly.
"Well, then, we have a problem," Iolaus replied, folding his arms across his chest. "Because if you go into town to face that mob, then I'm coming with you whether you like it or not, and you know damned well there's not a thing you can do to stop me."
"Iolaus, don't. Please don't. Just go back. Please?" Hercules pleaded.
"Why?"
"So you'll live. Please?"
"Why would I want to live, Herc? Think I'm looking forward to, what, ten, twenty years of loneliness? Twenty years of hearing my best friend referred to as 'an insane wife-murderer'? Twenty years of watching all our deeds being dismissed as a madman's fantasy? If you think you're 'saving' me, Mister Big Bad Demi-God, by leaving me behind then you can think again!"
"I'm not leaving you behind!"
"Damn right you're not!"
More glaring.
"Do you have to win every damned argument?" Hercules asked, dropping Xena's sword in the dust.
Iolaus smiled, his fury swept away by the wave of pure love that swelled up within him.
"Not all of them, Herc," he corrected gently. "Just the important ones."
Hercules pulled him into a bearhug, Iolaus hugging back fiercely. Without breaking the embrace, Herc whispered into Iolaus' ear, "So, what do we do now?"
Iolaus let his cheek brush Herc's as he whispered back, "Now we go find the son of a bitch who murdered Serena."
Gently breaking the hug, Iolaus stooped to pick up Xena's sword. Patting Herc's arm, he said, "Don't worry, Xena's got a plan. She's really good at the sneaky crap."
"Xena's not here," Hercules protested mildly, looking around.
"Sure she is," Iolaus answered, putting two fingers to his mouth and whistling shrilly.
Many yards away, Xena and Gabrielle stepped out of the bushes. Gabrielle looked a little awed.
"They were there the whole time?" Hercules asked, wide-eyed.
"Uh-uh," Iolaus confirmed, grinning. "Gabrielle just got to see me blast your butt, buddy." He giggled softly. "Kiss your big, bad, demi-god reputation goodbye."
"I think you've got me confused with Ares," Herc said.
"Nope, though he is the son of a bitch I was referring to," Iolaus replied smugly.
Xena and Gabrielle reached them.
"You ok?" Xena asked, watching Hercules closely.
"No," he replied simply and honestly.
Xena smiled slightly. "Good answer," she told him. "If you had said 'yes' I would have known for sure you were mad."
As Hercules frowned over that, Xena dug into the pouch hanging from her waist and handed him a filled goat's bladder.
"Here's what we do..." she said.
Later that night
Hours later, Hercules sat staring at the campfire. Iolaus stirred behind him.
"Come to bed, Herc," he said softly.
"I'm not sleepy," Hercules replied, equally softly.
Iolaus sighed. "Don't sleep, then. Come lie down," he urged.
Hercules just shook his head, gazing into the fire.
"Please? Snuggle?"
Hercules looked over his shoulder. Iolaus lay on his side, looking pleadingly at his friend.
"Snuggle?" Hercules questioned, not sure that he had heard correctly.
Iolaus nodded, lifting the blanket edge. "Please? For me?"
After a moment, Hercules crawled over. Iolaus laid back, lifting the blanket edge higher.
"Here," he offered. "Put your head on my shoulder, Herc."
Hercules snuggled against Iolaus, head on his right shoulder, and the hunter drew the blanket around them. Herc shivered and Iolaus began gently stroking his hair. "Why don't you try closing your eyes?" he suggested softly.
Hercules shifted, twining his arms around Iolaus, clinging to him, nestling his cheek into the hunter's ragged vest. After staring in the fire's direction for a moment, he let his eyes slide shut.
Iolaus continued quietly stroking his hair.
"I wasn't trying to break up our partnership," Herc murmered into the vest.
"I know, Herc," Iolaus whispered, staring at the stars.
"I wasn't taking myself out of your life, I was adding Serena in," Herc murmered. Iolaus hadn't seemed to understand that, before. It was important that Iolaus understand.
Iolaus gazed at the top of Herc's head and sighed again.
"Like after Ania and the baby, Herc? When you wanted me to come live with your family?"
"Yes," Herc angled his head to look into Iolaus' gentle blue eyes. "Serena lost her sisters, Iolaus. She was looking forward to having a brother, a friend. She wanted it, too."
Iolaus smiled slightly, gazing into Herc's innocent eyes. Gods and Hinds don't think like mortals; Iolaus had no doubt that Serena had wanted him there, a part of the family, a brother. He would have done it, too, he knew. He had been so very tempted before, after Ania. Then he had fled from the temptation and the fear of losing his own identity, of becoming only an extension of Hercules. He had fled to the East, to the loneliest, most miserable time of his life. He wouldn't have made that mistake again. He pictured himself in a forge, surounded by little Hercs and Serenas running about, crawling all over him, calling him 'Uncle'. It wouldn't have been a bad life, he decided. Not a bad life at all.
"It would have been nice to have another sister," he whispered brushing Herc's bangs out of his eyes. Leaning down a little, he whispered in Herc's ear, "I'm sorry I was such a jerk, Hercules. I should never have left."
"You came back. That was the important part, Iolaus. You came back." Herc sighed, dropping his head back to snuggle his cheek deeper into the vest. He could feel Iolaus' warmth around him, feel the soft pulse of the hunter's heart through the ragged material. He shivered again.
Iolaus snuggled his cheek against the top of Herc's head, dropping his hand to rest it on Herc's forearm.
"It's alright. I'll miss her, too," he whispered.
"I miss her so much already, Iolaus. So much."
"It's alright."
"You don't mind?"
"No."
Across the campfire, Gabrielle stirred, rolling over to meet Xena's concerned gaze.
"Xena," the young bard whispered, "Is that Hercules...?"
"Crying? Yes. Shush." Xena murmered. They lay side by side, silently listening to the demi-god's soft sobbing. After a while, the sobs died down and Iolaus started softly singing, his voice nearly a whisper.
"Go to sleep, little one.
Rise again with the sun.
Close your eyes, time to rest.
You're the one I love best."
Gabrielle smiled. "My Mom used to sing that to my sister and me when we were little, only she sang 'you're the two I love best'," she whispered, blinking back tears. Sometimes, just sometimes, she missed her family and her village.
Xena saw the near tears. She slipped her arm around Gabrielle's waist and the girl turned, back to Xena, pillowing her cheek on the warrior's upper arm, her left arm resting over Xena's around her. Softly, Xena sang along with Iolaus. After a while, the hunter's voice faded as he slipped into sleep, leaving only Xena awake and gazing at the night-sky as she sang.
"Go to sleep, little ones
Rise again with the sun.
Close your eyes, time to rest.
You're the three I love best."
The End
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